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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think ghosting a friend is cruel and actually quite narcissistic?

111 replies

SnugShaker · 06/04/2025 14:48

Being ghosted by a friend is honestly one of the most hurtful things I’ve experienced. It leaves you questioning everything: Did I do something wrong? Were they ever really my friend? Am I overreacting?

I’ve read that people who ghost, especially in close friendships, are more likely to have narcissistic traits because they avoid discomfort, take no accountability, and rewrite the story in their own favour.

AIBU to think that unless there’s abuse or something extreme involved, ghosting someone you were close to is emotional cowardice, not “protecting your peace?”

OP posts:
OutandAboutMum1821 · 06/04/2025 18:36

FKAT · 06/04/2025 15:29

If it turns out a friend / acquaintance is an arsehole or you no longer enjoy their company, what are you supposed to do? Meet them and give them a performance appraisal? If they were the kind of people who take feedback on board and change, then I wouldn't be ending the relationship.

Also it's just friends. Not all friends are best friends / friends for life / ride or die. Some friends are just people you know and go for a coffee with... Are you supposed to have a catch up and say 'Sandra, I know we've had a great number of chats and lunches since meeting at NCT but what with your kid moving to another school and me getting uncomfortable with your firm views on cross-stitching, I've decided to draw a line under our mild acquaintance. I wish you well with future relationships."

This! 👌🏻😂

graceinspace999 · 06/04/2025 18:38

Berlinlover · 06/04/2025 14:51

I’ve had a couple of friends ghost me since my cancer diagnosis, apparently it’s quite common.

Yes I had two friends gradually vanish after my cancer diagnosis.

I won’t ever bother with them again.

Enigma53 · 06/04/2025 18:39

Berlinlover · 06/04/2025 14:51

I’ve had a couple of friends ghost me since my cancer diagnosis, apparently it’s quite common.

Me too! It’s incredibly hurtful.

Enigma53 · 06/04/2025 18:51

Here’s one for you OP.

Said “ friend” of over 40 years. I tell her I’ve been diagnosed with a uterine cancer (over a year ago now) I tell her it’s tough on the mind, body and soul. That I needed a full hysterectomy.

Her response ( I quote)
” Oh dear”
” I’m going on holiday with x soon, I cant wait”.

Next, they find a new cancer at the same time. This time, incurable BC. I’m distraught.

Her response “ Oh dear. Can’t they remove your lung?”

Next, my bastard uterine cancer is back, in a different part of my body. I’m
now undergoing gruelling ( yes gruelling fucking chemo!)

I tell her it’s hard. I’m trying to stay alive for my kids, partner and parents. That my hair is gone, my mouth hurts, my eyes hurt, my bones ache and I don’t know who I am any longer.

Her response “Oh I thought you’d gone quiet!”

I have ghosted her to the fucking moon!!!!!’

Mummyratbag · 06/04/2025 18:55

@Enigma53 I'm so sorry for all you are going through - your friend is a dick, no one has the energy for that least of all someone going through all you are.

Sorry for the other poster who lost friends after a cancer diagnosis.. not my favourite saying but "the rubbish took itself out"

Riaanna · 06/04/2025 19:01

SnugShaker · 06/04/2025 15:17

That’s kind of the point - ghosting leaves you in the dark with no explanation. It’s not always about something someone did. Sometimes people just don’t have the emotional maturity to handle a conversation and the other person is left trying to piece it all together.

Or they aren’t wasting their effort on someone they don’t want in their life?

LindorDoubleChoc · 06/04/2025 19:03

Fading out a friend is OK, I think most people do it.

Ignoring an ex friend if they keep going on and on about what have they done and trying to arrange meetups when you've already made your position crystal clear is OK too.

Cutting off contact and never giving an explanation if your ex friend asks for it, one time, is cuntiness of the highest order.

Riaanna · 06/04/2025 19:05

MrsPinkSky · 06/04/2025 15:24

Nah, it's not narcissistic, it's just cowardly.

But given how many people seem unwilling to use their words lately, it doesn't surprise me.

Cowardly based on what?

Serendipetty · 06/04/2025 19:06

Calliopespa · 06/04/2025 17:42

Blocking is a step further than ghosting though.

You clearly did something wrong😬😱😲!!

No idea what! I thought ghosting someone was going no contact? Which is what he did.

A few people said he'd have been expecting sex. But I'm gay and had a girlfriend at the time and he hadn't suggested anything like that ever before. I just don't know.

Riaanna · 06/04/2025 19:10

LindorDoubleChoc · 06/04/2025 19:03

Fading out a friend is OK, I think most people do it.

Ignoring an ex friend if they keep going on and on about what have they done and trying to arrange meetups when you've already made your position crystal clear is OK too.

Cutting off contact and never giving an explanation if your ex friend asks for it, one time, is cuntiness of the highest order.

It doesn’t happen. They’ve been told. They’ve been told. They choose to not listen.

Calliopespa · 06/04/2025 19:10

Serendipetty · 06/04/2025 19:06

No idea what! I thought ghosting someone was going no contact? Which is what he did.

A few people said he'd have been expecting sex. But I'm gay and had a girlfriend at the time and he hadn't suggested anything like that ever before. I just don't know.

Well you are better off with a block really. At least you know it’s goodbye and aren’t wondering if they have lost your details or something.

Enigma53 · 06/04/2025 19:12

Mummyratbag · 06/04/2025 18:55

@Enigma53 I'm so sorry for all you are going through - your friend is a dick, no one has the energy for that least of all someone going through all you are.

Sorry for the other poster who lost friends after a cancer diagnosis.. not my favourite saying but "the rubbish took itself out"

Thanks. Yes I feel quite angry. At first opportunity she would talk about her holidays with her new man and her amazing new life. Whilst I did not begrudge her that, when a person is about to undergo major surgery, for cancer, knowing there is more treatment to come, I really didn’t want to hear how amazing her life was ( at that time) But it was either that, or she ghosted me. So I phased it out myself ( too hurtful otherwise) .

Mummyratbag · 06/04/2025 19:20

Geez @Enigma53 some people are just on broadcast and not receive! Not an ounce of humanity (or self awareness). Absolutely 100% reason to kick someone to the kerb. Sending you good wishes.

LindorDoubleChoc · 06/04/2025 19:58

"It doesn’t happen. They’ve been told. They’ve been told. They choose to not listen."

What is this ^ comment @Riaanna? What is it supposed to mean? Can you explain it?

Slalomsfathoms · 06/04/2025 20:40

A mutual friend has mentioned being ghosted by another couple who are renowned for being serial ghosters. They think that no one knows but everyone talks. They like the free holidays and perks of their 'current' friends then move on. My friend was very hurt and shocked, I have told her and she feels a bit better about her situation now.

Errors · 06/04/2025 20:49

LindorDoubleChoc · 06/04/2025 19:58

"It doesn’t happen. They’ve been told. They’ve been told. They choose to not listen."

What is this ^ comment @Riaanna? What is it supposed to mean? Can you explain it?

I read it as though that poster thinks that in every case of ghosting, the person on the receiving end has always been told about their behaviour and chooses not to listen. Which of course isn’t true

Cabbagefamily · 06/04/2025 21:02

I ghosted someone after being diagnosed with cancer. She just avoided me and didn’t come to see me. I told her how hurt I was and we made up. Then the cancer came back and she avoided me again! Now I can’t be bothered. I thought she was narcissistic, avoiding discomfort, took no accountability, and rewrote the story in their own favour. I was extremely distressed by it all and decided I couldn’t have the stress in my life again. I’m still upset about the friendship, though.

BatchCookBabe · 06/04/2025 21:03

IDGAF if it's narcissistic, or cowardly, or cruel. Sometimes it's the only way to get rid of someone who is bringing nothing to your life but negativity, stress, and toxicity. How the hell are you supposed to get rid of someone you don't want in your life anymore? Say 'I'm fucked off with you now, you annoying toxic twat, please never contact me again.' NO-ONE is going to say that. No-one is going to 'use their words' (as a pp said,) to tell someone to fuck off. (Where did this tedious saying spring from?!)🙄

I ghosted a 'friend' around 6-7 years ago. I met her at a hobby group. She was OK for the first few months, but showed her true colours fairly quickly. She was obsessive, possessive, unhinged, rude, obnoxious, spiteful, nosey, intrusive, and catty about other people. She was a Churchgoer too - well she went once every 3 weeks or so, and was very judgy of women having babies at a young age, women having babies out of wedlock, and same sex relationships.

She was gossipy and nasty, and talked about me and DH behind our back(s) too. After a couple of years of tolerating her, I stopped contacting her, and didn't return her calls, and avoided her like the plague. I stopped going to 2 social/hobby groups because she went to them. She hounded me for about 11-12 MONTHS, after I ghosted her, and I was afraid to open my front door. (She lived about half a mile from me/still does!)

I blocked her on the phone but she kept calling from different numbers! (For a good 3-4 months she kept ringing,) and she also popped around occasionally, and asked DH if I was in, or walk past my house on the offchance she could see me. She even rang my fucking WORKplace a few times! (Hoping to catch me answering the phone!)

She told everyone she met that I had cut her loose/ghosted her, and consequently I had 3 other women (who I was also friends with,) stop talking to me. She poisoned them against me. I also had couple of other women ask me CONSTANTLY why I hadn't been in touch. Even 3 or 4 years later, they kept bringing up, because she pecked their head about me every time she saw them. As I said, even 3-4 years later! The woman was obsessed!

I had to 'ghost' her for the sake of my mental health. She was stressing me out and making me a nervous wreck. She is now BFFs with 2 of the women who now don't speak to me anymore. They're welcome to her. And tbh, losing them was a small price to pay to be rid of her. They were never friends in the first place if they believed her bullshit.

If ghosting her makes me cowardly, rude, and narcissistic, then I'll wear that badge. Tell you what though, it's put me off even making any more new friends. I have a couple of old friends from many years ago who live 10 and 15 miles away, and I have a couple of women in my road who I'm quite friendly with/can turn to in an emergency, (and class as friends,) and that's it.

If someone is ghosting you @SnugShaker (and anyone else who thinks it's 'wrong,') there is very likely a good reason for it. People don't do this for nothing.

Enigma53 · 06/04/2025 21:15

@Cabbagefamily yes, this happened to me too. I found it extremely hurtful, particularly after knowing each other since primary school ( early/mid fifties now). I decided she was emotionally immature and all her life was protected from real life by her parents. She hasn’t a fucking clue what I’ve been through over the years. I’ve been to hell and back and now face an uncertain future, while she offers me a weak “ oh dear” every so often! No thanks.

Best wishes with everything, it’s a tough road 🌺

GetMeOutOfMeta · 06/04/2025 21:18

There was a thread about this earlier this week and the week before...
It never is just ghosting. It is usually one party not seeing the other struggling and trying to change something and failing. The person I spoke to refused to apologise, I've a clear string of messaging calling her out for being super rude, she didn't think she had been then carried on being rude on the messages. That was that. Technically we ghosted each other, but I gave her the option to apologise and stay friends at least.

Thisshirtisonfire · 06/04/2025 21:24

This assumes everyone is a reasonable person on both sides.
Sometimes you literally have to ghost people because they think it's a conversation, an invitation to argue, if you enter into any kind of dialogue with them
End of the day no one owes anyone else friendship. I'd imagine there will have been alot going on before someone's resorted to ghosting..
I've had to ghost one person after repeatedly trying to have a conversation about how I couldn't cope with the level of contact she demanded. I'm not a narcissist I just could not deal with it.
My life has improved since cutting her out completely and it's sad because she was a very old friend.. but sometimes you have to prioritise your own mental health. Especially if someone is trampling all over your boundaries.
Doubtless on her side she would be saying how heartless I was but from my perspective I was left with literally no other option as any discussion I tried to have with her about it was a shitshow and made the problem worse.
You can't always explain yourself and be understood. Sometimes you just have to walk away and not explain.

GoldBeautifulHeart · 06/04/2025 21:42

user1494050295 · 06/04/2025 14:56

I have had two friends who are friends with each other (we all used to do a sport together) not respond to my requests to meet up. Although one does get in touch when she wants a lift to the annual sporting event. Anyway they don’t have time for me clearly. Saw one of them at an event recently and said hi but deliberately kept it short. Apparently she has recently been diagnosed with adhd. Not wishing to derail your thread but came on to say being ghosted isnt great tbh

What's the adhd part got to do with this thread?

SueSuddio · 06/04/2025 22:18

Have been ghosted in recent memory.

It's cruel, end of.

I mean if I'd done something terrible fair enough, but to ghost because my friend was annoyed / irritated or whatever with me? No. There's other ways to let someone down. Ghosting is a head fuck.

Errors · 06/04/2025 22:22

GoldBeautifulHeart · 06/04/2025 21:42

What's the adhd part got to do with this thread?

Edited

It’s MN. ADHD is brought up on nearly every thread

CiscoTS · 07/04/2025 01:42

justkeepswimingswiming · 06/04/2025 15:31

Narcissistics don’t ghost, they thrive off attention.

Ive ghosted someone before im not proud of it, but they constantly used any excuse slag her “friends” off to me and it made me feel very awkward. I don’t like people like that.
Ironically she started with the attention seeking Facebook quotes of people ingoring her the very next day…. I made the right choice.

They absolutely do ghost - once they get bored of the current “feeder” they’ll go and find a new supply, if they don’t have one already.

Then when they get bored of that one they come back and throw breadcrumbs.

Classic NARC behaviour.