To think ghosting a friend is cruel and actually quite narcissistic?

[SnugShaker]

Being ghosted by a friend is honestly one of the most hurtful things I’ve experienced. It leaves you questioning everything: Did I do something wrong? Were they ever really my friend? Am I overreacting?

I’ve read that people who ghost, especially in close friendships, are more likely to have narcissistic traits because they avoid discomfort, take no accountability, and rewrite the story in their own favour.

AIBU to think that unless there’s abuse or something extreme involved, ghosting someone you were close to is emotional cowardice, not “protecting your peace?”

Exactly.

💯- and play the wide eyed innocent ‘I did nothing wrong’ victim when they know they exactly why they’ve pushed the other person to breaking point

I have only ever once 'dropped' a so called friend because her passive aggressive behaviour towards me finally took its toll!
She actually has got through all our mutual friends with her behaviour, but I forgave her shit for too long!
Interestingly she never called at my house to ask what the problem was .So she obviously new she had pushed her luck when I blocked her on all means of contacting me!
So basically if someone truly ghosts another there probably is a very obvious reason or the ghoster is a shallow arsehole.

Oh I still get No Caller ID calls even now 4 years later. I tried desperately to set boundaries but they were completely ignored and smashed through. It was actually embarrassing on the part of the pest. Simply couldn’t see that I was trying to back away.

Did the boundaries you set involve telling the ghostee that you were trying to back away? Or did they mainly involve expecting the ghostee to read your mind?

IMO if you’ve had a close friendship where you are regularly in touch, and then you suddenly go silent - which is what some ghosters do - then of course the ghostee is going to be in touch for a while to try and figure out what has happened.

I agree 4 years is too long, but if it’s No Caller ID I don’t really see how you know whether it’s the ghostee or some random spammer.

I agree.

If you've been close friends for a while, then I think there should be at least an attempt at sorting issues that arise.

If this has happened, and it still can't be worked out then at least everyone knows what happened, and why.

I don't think people bother to try and work things out much anymore, the throw away society permeates every aspect of society.

I don’t think they do it without good reason.

For a friend to never talk to you ever again you must of done something seriously wrong to justify it.

Couldn't agree more, OP. Unless there are extreme circumstances of some kind, I think ghosting/blocking are childish and OTT.

I wouldn’t ghost, I would decrease the times I saw them or how long I spent with them or more likely just not have them as a friend to begin with. I like to let things out, so I’d probably be upfront and tell them what they’ve done to annoy me! Either work it out or call it a day, or agree to be friends but not besties.

My friendship group is small and tight knit. I have one very good friend, give her a kidney type of friend, more like a sister.

I think the general consensus on this topic seems to be that it is nuanced. In some situations, it’s the only way to deal with problematic behavior and in others it’s the cowards way out. Very personal I suppose.

What I don’t understand is when people openly talk about how much they vehemently dislike others but then carry on seeing them and acting as though they love them to bits. I’m watching one of my ‘friends’ do this to another friend at the moment and it’s so awkward as she has absolutely no idea. Every time I see ‘friend’ she is full of “ffs she won’t stop texting me” or “ugh I have to spend the whole day with her again this week” but other friend is lovely and also has no idea.

Sometimes it isn't 'wrong' as such, I've had friends who've been ghosted when they've supported a ghoster for a long time and then ghoster's situation gets better and the ghosted reminds them of painful memories.
Or the ghoster doesn't like something about the ghosted but not 'wrong', maybe they have a mutual friend they've fallen out with.

I was ghosted by a very old friend after we went on a minibreak together for the first time. I really can't think what I did wrong at alll. We spoke almost daily and supported one another and had plenty of laughs and good times. Same age, met at uni. Went to see him and stayed in some lovely places for a few days, had a few drinks and nice meals then when I got back I found myself blocked on everything. No idea why.

I had to ghost someone who was obsessively contacting me, it was a friendship gone wrong and I felt trapped. Every time I tried to distance myself and told them I was finding it too much they'd break down crying and refuse to leave my car (i used to drive them home after a shared hobby). So I just blocked and ghosted them.

They turned up on my street a few years ago and kept trying to say hello to me and started shouting and getting the neighbours involved so I had to involve the police!

Ghosting is unfortunately sometimes necessary. However, this scenario was probably quite extreme and more akin to stalking in the end.

Yes I thought you’d say that. Trust me, I know. There was a proven history of harassment of others that had also had enough. You’ll have to take my word for it

Why narcissistic, OP? I know you say not NPD but it's still a stretch. Just not prioritising someone else's feelings in one situation or having a different version of events isn't narcissistic.

As in does it show grandiosity, entitlement, exploitation, arrogance, lack of empathy (apart from prioritising cutting someone off over their feelings), underlying self esteem issues etc etc?

Not saying it's a pleasant experience but the ghoster may genuinely feel at the end of their tether.

For instance, I cut off a friend who had behaved really badly when I was diagnosed with something shit. I really doubt she would recognise her extremely insensitive and flaky behaviour (she was like it before), and I gave her chances (and said something) but had enough. I had no interest in a row. The only thing I didn't do was have an argument or let her know I was signing off.

We sometimes come across quite differently to our own views of ourselves.

Blocking is a step further than ghosting though.

You clearly did something wrong😬😱😲!!

I’ve had 2 friends ghost me in the 18 months I’ve had severe Long Covid.

l’d known one for 24 years. It makes you feel disposeable. It’s horrible.

Narcissism is far too over used on here. It’s very rare but everyone seems to know one…

Yabu

i ghosted a “friend” who was utterly abusive. It’s not my responsibility to explain to her what she had done wrong - she bloody knew it was wrong and was a total CF.

It depends I know people that ghost "friends" on a regular basis.
Some were narcs, others were people that were damaged, narcs used it as a weapon those that were damaged were just joining different friendship groups in an effort to fit in and ended up damaging themselves more.

I also know people that have ghosted those that were damaging to them and brought nothing to the table but pain and wanted to use them.

It is not a requirement of friendship for one adult to attempt to parent another adult into being a better/decent person.

The only people I have ever met that bang on about ownership and confrontation in friendships are bullies that cannot stand it when they don’t get the opportunity for more conflict. Hence why they get ghosted.

You can always ghost this thread 🤣

I agree - and am surprised about the number of Ghosters on this thread. Thought maybe not as there does seem to be a tendency for Mumsnetters to go NC for the slightest infraction, or exhortations to LTB because he doesn’t put the lid back on the toothpaste. So I guess maybe its not surprising there are so many Ghosters on Mumsnet

I've ghosted two friends, several years apart. In both cases it was due to their behaviour.

The first was a male friend who I loved like a brother. We were really close and I thought we'd be friends forever but when I met my now DH his behaviour changed towards me. He started making comments that made me feel uncomfortable, touching me all the time and commenting on my body/looks in a way he'd never done before. I tried to talk to him about it and he got very upset and emotional, said he couldn't believe I was making him feel like some sort of sex pest and how could he possibly feel comfortable around me again, he'd have to watch everything he said etc. He actually had be convinced I was overreacting. Then I found out he'd told several mutual friends that he and I were having some sort of affair, a complete lie and one that could have wrecked my relationship, if anyone had actually believed him.

The second was a friend who had some Mental Health issues, which she was not willing to get professional help for but would lean on me heavily for emotional support. She would call me at all hours saying she was suicidal, then turn her phone off for hours and ignore messages. Then just as I was thinking I need to call the Police she'd respond with something like "sorry, was asleep/went out, feeling much better now!" If ever I wasn't available to her straight away she would take it very personally. Any time we met up she would monologue for hours about her problems with her work, family, or relationship. She never asked how I was or seemed interested in my life. The final straw was when one of my oldest and closest friends died. She phoned me to chat and I said "sorry it's not a great time, we've just had some terrible news, X died today" and she started wailing then hung up on me! She text me a little while later saying "sorry I had to hang up, I'm just so devestated about X" She had met them once, at a party years before and they barely spoke!

In both cases I knew from experience that any attempt to discuss their behaviour would be met with such an emotional, over the top response that I would most likely end up backing down, comforting them and possibly even apologising despite having done nothing wrong. I'm older and wiser now, and wouldn't be so susceptible to gaslighting and manipulation, so would feel more confident to have it out with them. But I honestly believe that it wouldn't have done any good in either case.

I don't think people usually cut friends out of their life for no reason.