To think ghosting a friend is cruel and actually quite narcissistic?

[SnugShaker]

Being ghosted by a friend is honestly one of the most hurtful things I’ve experienced. It leaves you questioning everything: Did I do something wrong? Were they ever really my friend? Am I overreacting?

I’ve read that people who ghost, especially in close friendships, are more likely to have narcissistic traits because they avoid discomfort, take no accountability, and rewrite the story in their own favour.

AIBU to think that unless there’s abuse or something extreme involved, ghosting someone you were close to is emotional cowardice, not “protecting your peace?”

They may have tried to tell you why you didn't listen, so they gave up.

If it turns out a friend / acquaintance is an arsehole or you no longer enjoy their company, what are you supposed to do? Meet them and give them a performance appraisal? If they were the kind of people who take feedback on board and change, then I wouldn't be ending the relationship.

Also it's just friends. Not all friends are best friends / friends for life / ride or die. Some friends are just people you know and go for a coffee with... Are you supposed to have a catch up and say 'Sandra, I know we've had a great number of chats and lunches since meeting at NCT but what with your kid moving to another school and me getting uncomfortable with your firm views on cross-stitching, I've decided to draw a line under our mild acquaintance. I wish you well with future relationships."

Narcissistics don’t ghost, they thrive off attention.

Ive ghosted someone before im not proud of it, but they constantly used any excuse slag her “friends” off to me and it made me feel very awkward. I don’t like people like that.
Ironically she started with the attention seeking Facebook quotes of people ingoring her the very next day…. I made the right choice.

If you mean them ghosting you to focus on themselves, then you're not wrong. Maybe take some time to work out why your friend needed to cut you out.

Then move on.

How do you know whether or not they would take feedback on board and change if you haven’t tried it? If you have tried it and got nowhere, then fair enough. But that’s often not what ghosting involves.

Friendships are supposed to be nice things. Not work. I'm not here to help people improve. I'm here for the laughs and connection.

A narcissist would tell you exactly how you’re not giving them attention and create a huge argument over silly because they like drama and their “friends” are their oxygen for that behaviour. Ghosting is the opposite of narcissistic behaviour because there’s no drama and a chance to milk sympathy from everyone.

Most people ghost because they don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings by telling them the truth and don’t want to end up in a situation where the other person insists that they should be heard and offered a chance to apologise/change their behaviour. The ghost wants to disappear with the drama of the other person begging etc which isn’t narcissistic behaviour.

Why do people always say “ Sandra” on here? Am I missing a movie reference?

I agree.

But if you’re cross with someone, bring out the “narc” insult !

I think in some situations yes the person ghosts to avoid being pulled up on their own behaviour or to put someone in their place (mean girl type behaviour of leaving people out and ghosting). On the other hand, I don’t always want to use my mental energy to correct other people’s behaviour and don’t feel it’s my place, especially when it’s obvious they are in the wrong and “no one told me they didn’t like it” is the excuse.

Sure, fair enough. But then that’s about you not wanting to put in work. It’s doesn’t necessarily prove that the other person wouldn’t be willing to change or apologise if they were given feedback.

Have to totally disagree here. So I recently ghosted my friend of about 20 years because throughout our entire relationship it was forever a take and take some more relationship. I supported her in her various domestic problems, breast cancer treatment and breaks from her husband and was pretty much at her beck and call as she needed me regardless of time of the day. I was happy to be there for her unconditionally as I thought she would be the same for me. However all our conversations would result in being all about her. If I ever raised anything about me she’d turn it around also to her. It was really difficult and demoralising. She would ask to drop by my home at all times of the night if she needed to trauma dump and I would just agree as otherwise she would sometimes go quiet on me as a sort of punishment I imagine. Anyway throughout our friendship as I have no other family or friends, I asked (she has grown up kids in early 20s now) if we could go out for the day and immediately she replied that she didn’t want to travel too far out. I couldn’t even get her to commit to an afternoon walking to the park or a meal round the corner from her home. Then I learnt from overhearing a call she answered during yet another later evening visit at my home to complain about her relationship and she was talking bout a trip to Italy with a new friend. I couldn’t believe my ears and she wasn’t even embarrassed I’d overheard her but just said “well also have to arrange something” just to keep me happy though we both knew this not to be true. It really affected me that all this time she likely was having an active social life with her other friends but preferred to keep me as the free counselling service only. The final straw was when she asked out the blue to come over late eve ing again and when she got here no hello just a straight into venting and when I dared to reference something about myself related to what she was saying she told me off and said she was only here for a short while and so ‘what should I do?’ Essentially she was telling me to shut tf up and focus just on her - literally all I’d been doing for the last 2 decades with absolutely nothing back. Eg I live alone and when I tore my shoulder and not long after fractured my metatarsal - injuries which made it extremely difficult for me to manger life’s usually activities - not once did she ever offer to help or even ask about me. So anyway after this last interaction which afterwards btw she doesn’t even say goodbye lol just says she needs to go and jumps up and lets herself out, well when she next messaged for a similar visit I had a cold and unwell so to make a few days later that same week. Well after that I think she was cross as she didn’t do that but instead sent a bit of a hurt message and went quiet for the next two months. No message at camas or even NYE and then reached out to me in Jan this year. I told her I wasn’t striggl8 g with something and would message when I felt able. Obviously she must have had another urgent trauma dumping session as she contacted me intermittently for the next few weeks but I just did t have the emotional energy to deal with it, starting new project at work and emerging problems with my home so I just decided to not respond anymore. The core traits I showed this friend have been nothing but accountability and empathy but there comes a time when what’s the point of corresponding further when you are just not heard and on the verge of emotional collapse. A lot of times it’s simply the last resort of a good but emotionally broken person - trust me.

Not sure. But I've just looked up famous Sandras to get a clue and realised that I would love to be friends with a Sandra - Bullock /Oh / Bernhard especially and would never ghost them.

Absolutely it's about me not wanting to put in work.

Yeah it doesn’t strike me as the name of someone tricky.

And other times the person simply isn't listening or noticing their own behaviour and it becomes boring keep reiterating the same thing over and over and not being heard. A lot of people who have been "ghosted" simply weren't hearing what they were being told.

I’m not so sure that knowing why your friend is dumping you is better than ghosting.

I’ve read many posts on here by people who know why their friend has dumped them and they are often angry that their friend didn’t hear them out or they think that the friend should offer a chance for an apology or behaviour to be changed. Some deny that the last straw was a big deal or they list the times that the friend did stuff that they didn’t like too. By the time that somebody ghosts, there’s zero chance of the ghost changing their mind. They don’t want the friendship any more so listening to the last, excuses or pleas for forgiveness don’t mean anything.

There is someone on here who periodically posts about how cruel someone was for ghosting her. She posts as if she has no clue why she was dumped but her very first post on MN says why.

I’m not saying that the ghoster is good and ghosted is bad. Having read many stories on here, the ghoster should have distanced themselves earlier when the red flags started to appear rather than be polite and suck up the other person’s behaviour but it’s easy for an outsider to see that when they aren’t in the situation and don’t have to hurt any feelings.

Please don’t use narcissistic in the “other than clinical” sense.

These days it’s about the third word in every conversation and is reducing human conversation to a song with few words.

Agree with this. Friendships shouldn’t be about banging your head against a brick wall. Very few people ghost friends lightly
, it’s usually after the final straw has been reached.

Sometimes you have to cut free to save your sanity, those people are not going to take your explanation well. There again, I wouldn't want anyone giving me an explanation as to why I wasn't worthy of their friendship either (how excruiating)..

Sure and that’s your prerogative, but ghosters need to own that. I see so many posts on these ghosting threads about ‘oh I know the person I’m ghosting wouldn’t listen to feedback anyway’, yet the poster makes it clear they can’t possibly know that, as they have never actually given the person they’re ghosting an indication that there was a problem, prior to ghosting them.

If you want to ghost fine, but own it when it’s because you don’t like confrontation and you don’t want to communicate how you’re feeling. It’s not always just the other person’s problem.

I refuse to ghost but I'm slow fading someone I worked with who became a friend

She told the whole world my business when I was going through a rocky patch with dp-really personal things

I was pissed off but took it

Then I noticed I was paying for everything if we met for a coffee/lunch as she pleads poverty

She genuinely seemed to think that every single bloke fancied her and put us both in dangerous situations,more than once

Then ds pointed out the only time she ever bothered to get in touch was to talk about herself

She has no clue what's happening in my life,its all about her,I call it 'me,myself and i'

She turns everything back to herself-ds and his girlfriend had my first grandchild

Instead of 'congratulations',all I got was 'ill never be a grandma'

Ds got married
'I'll never marry'

I had to dash off to work
'Ive lost my job'

I found an amazing bargain on vinted
'I never find anything nice in the shops'

It's fucking draining-shes shagging a bloke who pays her for sex,he goes round,gets his sexual needs met and leaves her £50 each time-then he dumps her before changing his mind again-then the whole lovebombing starts up again

I get the tears and sobbing for hours each time,he goes back and I don't hear from her til next time and I've had enough so slow fade it is

I have tried talking to her but she's that self aborbed,she can't see it

If that makes me an awful person,then so be it

Yikes - I’m sorry to hear that

I disagree. I was up to my neck with a nut case. The only option was to go NC. To have engaged in any explanation would have been like setting off a bomb. This person was a selfish, coercive, controlling cunt. You cannot reason with a personality like that. I certainly do not lack self awareness. I had to protect my own sanity

It’s amazing how often people who claim to have been ghosted actually just mean that they essentially pestered someone endlessly until their friend realised that ignoring them was literally the only way to get some space. Or who actually know full well why their friend isn’t talking to them, but simply don’t accept it and think their friend should forgive them or provide them with closure.