To be terrified of being a MIL one day?!

[ChronicallyOnLime]

this is relatively lighthearted by my god.. there seems to be a trend of MIL-hate everywhere I look.

I have a DS and the thought of his future partner not liking me makes my stomach drop. The stories I’ve read make me think I’d probably be one of the nicer ones.. I wouldn’t feel the need to have an opinion on everything in their own-together lives. But I fear that just being a MIL is seen as a total shit-show regardless of what you do.

Does anyone else with a son worry about being a hated MIL?! 🤣 DS is only 3 though.. so I have a long time to worry.

@ChronicallyOnLime

In my quieter moments yes I do worry about the relationship between any future daughter in law.
I adopted my son when he was 8, he's my only child and we have overcome lots of challenges together. We have also had lots of wonderful adventures together. We are exceptionally close and I have probably at times been a bit over protective of him and he of me.
He will however be 21 soon, and is away at uni. Over the last two years I have stepped back a lot because I can see he has become the young man I wanted him to be, which is independent, hard working, aspirational. He will still come to me for advice but he makes his own decisions.

In my family, I have watched my three brothers marry perfectly nice women who get on well with my mum. But because they come from fairly typical scouse Irish families with lots of sisters, aunts, cousins etc who are lively and energetic, my brothers have become absorbed into their wives families, there has been no falling out, just a lack of time given to my family. Interestingly the grandchildren, all grown up now with their own young families make much more of an effort with my mum. Maybe it's because they are the only set of grandparents left.
Who knows?
I'd like to think I would be a good MiL. I won't be banging at the door of the delivery room, I can understand why a woman would want their own mum around when they have just given birth.
And quite frankly as I've never had a baby I'm in no position to offer advice on babies so I wouldnt even try. I'm not in the market for full time childcare, or demanding baby sleepovers, but more than happy to help out on a regular basis and emergencies. I'd like to be the sort of nan who sends kids back home covered in flour and carrying a cake or with sand in their shoes because we've been to the beach for the day. I'd like to take them to my allotment and have sunflower competitions. When they are old enough I'd like to take them on bucket and spade holidays and show them where I took their dad.
I would be terribly hurt to be excluded from my son and his families life, because they couldn't make a bit of an effort.

Exactly.

Don’t be a dickhead and you’ll be fine.

These threads are so odd

Everyday on Mn people post countless threads about not getting on with their DHs, their friends, their colleagues, their parents, siblings and yes their ILs. Sometimes it's the poster who's U, sometimes not

For some reason people with sons take personal offense to MIL threads. As if MILs aren't just one of the wide range of people posted about.

Is there a chance your son could marry someone who doesn't get on with you? Yes. But no more chance than your daughter. There's no additional risk there providing your son too isn't a knob head

No one is going to post about how they get on reasonably well with their MIL. It's a predominatly female site so it's going to be mostly DHs and their family.

When DIL/MIL relationships break down its often blamed on the women, but actually I think it's mostly the son. Either being lazy or not communicating with parties involved. Raise your son well, to be an equal partner who pulls his weight and your relationship will likely be fine

If the grandchildren make lots of effort with your mum then they obviously weren't that absorbed into their wives families. They make an effort with your mum because she's their grandma? I think there is also a lot of confirmation bias

My own ILs complain frequently that we see my family more than them, but in actual fact we see ILs about twice as much as my family.

I have 2 lovely MILs. One is step-MIL but we are all a close-knit so I don’t differentiate. I’m very lucky.

You have to hope they don't get a wife that is jealous of her husbands love for his family, Chances are they won’t.

I don't 'take offence' as a mother of sons to MiL threads, my DiL is anazing, so they dont resonate with my life. But they do touch a nerve in the way threads about other interpersonal relationships don't.
I strongly dislike the way they pit women against women, the ageist and sexist stereotypes that have MiLs always in the role of villain. The insulting pop pyscology that invariably has older mums of boys accused of jealousy, bitterness, wanting to have another go at being a mother via their GC, being controlling, demanding, you name it, often for little more than wanting to be more involved in their sons life than his wife deems convenient.
The othering of older mums of boys as these difficult creatures that young women must fight against. The underlying possessiveness and competition over a man that turns women against each other.
The assumption, there in your last paragraph that it's the MiLs own fault by default, as any problems could be avoided if she'd raised her son right. Like no one raised well ever ends up with a partner who turns out to be controlling, unpleasant or otherwise difficult.
I can well understand why young mums of boys see these threads and worry, if often all that stands between them and being forced into this despised role, is their DiLs subjective judgement.

Oh and just to add, the risk is much greater than any caused by your son in law. Unless he is down right abusive, its highly unlikely your son in law will excercise any control or restrictions or otherwise have any problem with your relationship with your daughter. He won't see you as a competitor.