To be terrified of being a MIL one day?!

[ChronicallyOnLime]

this is relatively lighthearted by my god.. there seems to be a trend of MIL-hate everywhere I look.

I have a DS and the thought of his future partner not liking me makes my stomach drop. The stories I’ve read make me think I’d probably be one of the nicer ones.. I wouldn’t feel the need to have an opinion on everything in their own-together lives. But I fear that just being a MIL is seen as a total shit-show regardless of what you do.

Does anyone else with a son worry about being a hated MIL?! 🤣 DS is only 3 though.. so I have a long time to worry.

First MIL was a real gem. Current MIL total opposite in every way possible. She’s in my life to teach me something I believe…

I worry a bit more about being MIL to my daughter’s partner because of the general standard of what women accept in men. He will have to be an absolute top notch human or I will dislike him!

I’m not worried. As a mum of 2 boys I have brought them up to be respectful of women and we have had the conversation that if/ when they get married or have long term partners and kids that will be their primary family and their priority. We have also spoken about controlling behaviour and abusive relationships as their dad is very controlling and has unfortunately been abusive to several women. So they hopefully know the signs of an abusive controlling relationship both as the abuser and the person being abused. If they end up in a non abusive relationship they know that I am more than happy to not be their priority in that situation.
I will go out of my way to be kind and thoughtful to their partners. If they choose to keep me at a distance then I will respect that and see my friends/ other family etc. My boys are my priority but I also have a life as I am aware that it isn’t healthy for me to be their priority.
who knows if this will actually work but it’s what I believe at the moment…

Two sons. But I get on really well with my MIL.

I think my mother law is wonderful, kind, caring and loves our child. She lives close by but doesn't 'drop in' we get invites for family events a few times of year and we can instagate other things on our schedule.

I regularly encourage partner to invite them to things and also take a step back so they can have some time alone with him and DD.

Nice people make nice MILs. I loved mine (she passed some years ago now, and is still a big loss in my life).

Just remember, if ds doesn’t call you, that’s his choice. His wife isn’t banning him from speaking to you. Dh always used to use me as an excuse to end the conversation - better go as dw needs me to do x, y, z…. It was just his way to end the call but mil got upset as I “always made him end the call early”. Nope ds was done and trying to be polite!

I don’t hate mil at all but all our issues would be solved if she spoke to dh and didn’t make up scenarios in her head.

Our son in law is lovely. He likes us very much (we’re told 😁). We’re ourselves with him. We don’t poke our noses into their business or comment on the upbringing of their child (they’re far better parents than we were anyway).
We see the family at least once a week and all get along really well.

I wouldn’t normally come on MN to talk about him. I suspect the only people who do do so because they’re complaining about their in laws.

Don’t worry. Welcome the girlfriend/wife. Be friendly, open to offer advice/opinions when you’re asked for them, but not otherwise, and keep a respectful distance.

I love my MIL, she is non-judgemental and helpful, the opposite of my own mum.

I dunno, maybe once you find yourself in the MIL category:

• Be kind and welcoming to your new DIL, without utterly smothering her and getting unreasonably upset if she and DS have their own lives and don't want to visit you 3-4 times a week, particularly when they've been at work all day and are exhausted.

• Don't call DS 4-6 times a day no matter what time of day or night it is and don't keep calling and calling until he picks up.

• Accept that your DIL doesn't want your old shoes and clothes and don't get insulted when she politely declines them.

• Accept DIL can cook perfectly well and don't get offended when she and DS decline your 3rd offer of food this week, especially when it's food DIL is allergic to.

• Don't have screaming and crying tantrums when DS and DIL don't want to go with your vision of how their wedding should be.

• Don't cry and manipulate DS and claim DIL is taking him away from you because he's told you to stop calling about non-important matters more than once a day and not at all outside the hours of 8am-8pm unless it's an emergency.

• Don't use the emergency key DS has given you just to let yourself in whenever you feel like it.

• Definitely don't let yourself in at 7am, realise no-one's awake and then go into DS and DIL's bedroom to wake them up.

• Don't get upset and start screaming and shouting and calling DIL an arrogant snob because DIL says she won't take all of the the 6 boxes of DS's baby clothes you'd saved for 35 years just because she a) dares to want to buy her own child her baby clothes herself, and b) because most of the clothes aren't suitable for the time of year baby will be born anyhow, and c) a bunch of them are stained and torn.

• Don't refuse to give newborn baby granddaughter back to DIL when she asks. Don't do this multiple times. Don't do this when grandson is born, either.

• Don't try to destroy DS and DIL'S marriage by trying to provoke arguments between them and when this ploy fails, constantly complain and belittle and accuse DIL of all sorts.

• Definitely don't cause such arguments when DIL is pregnant, causing so much prolonged distress to her that DIL miscarries.

• Don't be cruel to DIL when she and DS are going back and forth to the doctors to discover if she really is miscarrying or not and have to ask you to babysit baby granddaughter while they're gone. Definitely don't be cruel once the miscarriage is confirmed.

• Don't accuse DIL of blocking you from seeing the grandchildren because she and DS have asked their best friends to babysit a few times when you've repeatedly refused to babysit and in any case see the children twice a week anyway.

• Don't delay DIL's visit to DS after he has had a heart attack and is now in hospital after being blue-lit there. Definitely don't insist the medical staff call you, rather than her, if anything goes wrong. And most definitely don't accuse HER of causing DS to have a heart attack when in actual fact he had it because of genetics.

• Finally, if DIL then decides to then be civil to you when she really must be in your presence, be civil back, don't be rude to her in her own home.

If you're friendly, accept that DIL already has her own mum and that she might want to build a relationship gradually and organically, respect her and accept there should be healthy boundaries between you, treat her as you'd like to be treated and, rather crucially, don't subject your rather unwilling son to an insane level of emotional incest, you should be fine!

Just be nice, and raise your son to have the confidence and self respect to choose a life partner who does not trample all over them. My MIL is absolutely wonderful and like a second mum to me, I love her to bits.

I love my MIL! There are plenty of lovely ones out there!

My FIL on the other hand…

Honestly I think you have a husband issue, throwing you under the bus like that isn't "polite " at all.

Agree. Im not over the thread where the MIL
lost her DH 6 months ago and DIL is moaning about her phoning up crying because it’s causing “harm” to the DCs. She lives in another country ffs.

I think the difficulty is that it's different rules for women and different for men. It's not necessarily a bad thing it's just how it is. So the MIL expecting son to visit every week is seen as interfering annoying etc. If its the DIL or her mum it's more acceptable. It's how it is. As mums of boys we have to accept and understand the differences and nuances of the relationships.

I still refer to my xh's mother as my MIL because she's a lovely person who only ever has our dcs best interests at heart. She never interfered, although would give great advice when asked, and has always been kind, generous and supportive. None of my friends have awful MILs, I think most are just lovely, nice women

Mumsnetters hate MILs, along with dogs and Health Visitors. In real life it’s fine to be a MIL.

The way he was saying it wasn’t in a nasty way at all and sometimes it was “I need to get this stuff to the tip before it closes” or “dinner is ready” so I was blamed by fact I’d timed dinner for then. But I did point out to dh how he was putting on me and he instantly stopped. It’s just really hard to end calls with her. We used to make an effort to see them, driving 4 hours to see them every school holiday with 3 small dc but they’d moan it’s too far for them to drive to us. After a while the effort was too one sided and we just stopped. We see them twice a year now. They’re not horrible people just hard work.

bring your DS up to have a good relationship with you, keep up contact off his own bat, and not to be a dick and leave everything to his wife, and you're golden.

Don't interfere in his private life with his wife, and don't get into escalating and stupid "granny one-upmanship". Don't expect your DIL to have the same relationship with you, especially post partum, as she does with her own mother.

if you’re not a dick and are aware of appropriate boundaries you should
be fine - unless of course your future dil turns out to be a dick….

My son is 16 and has his first girlfriend, been together a year, and they have a lovely trusting relationship, not suggesting it will last forever but I'm glad this is blueprint they are setting for each other of what a relationship should be. I realised the other day that it's also thier and our first experience dealing with the in-law dynamic, I adore the girl and we have a good laugh, she has actually come to me for advice a few times (she also has an amazing Mum who she spoke to as well but wanted another opinion) she often tells me DS (jokingly) that she only comes to our house to see us it him!
I don't have a great relationship with my in-laws but I'm not scared of being a MIL, it is what you make it.

I think we only hear the bad stories and MILs are like any other cross section of society - mainly great but some horrendous . That said, thanks to MN tales of awful MILs, I find myself double and triple thinking everything I say or do towards my lovely DIL!

I honestly think MN is a bit of an echo chambercl when it comes to MILs, so dont base your fear from what you read on here. I have many acquaintances and friends with mils, and all have a decent relationship with them. Obviously there might be the odd blip, which tbh happens in most family dynamics anyway. But I think things flagged on here are at the extreme end. Just mutual respect and communication is the key.

I’ve got three boys and I’m terrified of being a shit mother in law. The rules I’ve learned from Mumsnet.

1. Never criticise girlfriend/wife
2. do everything you can to get along with her.
3. Don’t interfere in their lives
4. never turn up at their home unless invited ( who does this???)

I’ve learned from my husband that men will almost always choose their sexual partner over their mum, don’t even ask. Raise your sons to do this, don’t expect them not to choose the (potential) mother of their children.

A lot of MIL stuff online is probably made up.

Its another way of degrading women, especially later middle aged women who are often finding their feminism.

It's from the same stable of misogyny as the whole Karen business.

Yes of course there are some bad mother in laws out there but lots of good ones too. I think a lot of what you see on sites like Reddit is made up or hyperbole