To be terrified of being a MIL one day?!

[ChronicallyOnLime]

this is relatively lighthearted by my god.. there seems to be a trend of MIL-hate everywhere I look.

I have a DS and the thought of his future partner not liking me makes my stomach drop. The stories I’ve read make me think I’d probably be one of the nicer ones.. I wouldn’t feel the need to have an opinion on everything in their own-together lives. But I fear that just being a MIL is seen as a total shit-show regardless of what you do.

Does anyone else with a son worry about being a hated MIL?! 🤣 DS is only 3 though.. so I have a long time to worry.

He is still passing blame and causing ill feeling between his mum and you which isn't fair really.

@MellowCritic was just thinking exactly the same response.

As usual, first post nails it 😂👏🏼

My mother in law is a peach. She is lovely, kind and reasonable. I had to back off the relationship a little because my DH, her son, was getting jealous!

I agree - he stopped when I pointed it out. That was about 17 years ago when dd was little. Now he just doesn’t phone her 🙄… but she doesn’t call him either. I stand by my initial comment. Don’t blame dil if ds stops calling.

I love my MIL and SIL. They re very easy going and great company. Even tho I'm close to my own family, I find the ILs easier to be around. We re going away with them for 5 days in July.

Both DM and MIL were great down through the years. We met up with both regularly but they never interfered. For example when kids were little they never voiced opinions much about parenting (like I've seen some friends parents do), they just let us find out own way.

Oh God, if only it were.🙁

I absolutely adore my MIL. She is one of my favourite people in the world. She’s quite elderly, and not in the best of health, and it makes me very teary when I think she might not be here for much longer. She is very, very wise, has never interfered but has given me some excellent advice over the years.

I love both my DDILs too. We get on very well. They are both lovely, kind young women who make my sons incredibly happy. Why wouldn’t I like them?

My ex MIL and ex FIL were/are absolutely lovely and I still have a good relationship with them now after I split up with ex DP. They were never a problem.

If it helps balance out your worries a bit, I am low/no contact with my mum and adore my MIL.

I have a 3year old DS and feel the same way! My MIL and I do not get on , and she doesn’t get on with her MIL either.

But I adored my ex boyfriend’s mum, would happily spend time with her one on one for shopping or whatever and think the world of her. I think it’s just a personality thing. Son in laws/father in laws don’t have this problem and I think it’s because they’re more hands off and more likely to to not try to cross boundaries with grandchildren etc - at least that’s my personal experience

I have a great relationship with my MiL and I get on very well with my kids partners.

Sometimes but not always. Sometimes they DIL is the unreasonable one.

Basically I think be nice to your MIL (unless she is actually unreasonable and trying to snatch baby off you etc.) as you might well be a MIL one day!

It's not always bad, honestly! My DIL is lovely and so is my MIL.

I remember my MIL and remember how I felt.

I try to copy the things I liked about her relationship with me, and change the kinds of things I didn't.

@Allswellthatendswelll unfortunately it's usually mil she has the power and is the queen Bee, very rarely it's a dil but of course can be one but on here there is definitely a pattern

So far I've been fine with all 3 of my eldest son's gfs. But then, I generally like most 20-somethings, they're just fun to be around. I don't tend to have dramas with my friends, work colleagues, brothers and sisters or their partners, so I don't really anticipate having issues with a DIL. I tend to be a live-and-let-live type, I'd definitely want to be involved with grandkids, so maintaining a good relationship with a DIL would be a priority. My own kids seem to like me being an involved parent, we have a strong bond, but I also respect their independence from me too.

I think that issues happen between MIL-DIL when one or both compete for influence or importance over the other, usually because they are insecure in personal relationships. Sometimes (more dangerously), because they seek control and manipulation. If I saw that my DIL was insecure, I'd do my best to build her up and give her confidence, and not be interfering or undermining. If I saw that she was controlling or manipulative, I'd call her out in a very direct and undramatic way - the rest would have to me down to my son.

I’m not a MIL but I have a young adult son whose gf is regularly here.
I get along with her (phew!) We don’t annoy each other and are respectful of each other. In time I think that we could be friends because we have the qualities that the other is looking for in a friend.
Her work is in a public place and I have seen her interacting with her colleagues without her knowing I was there and she seems as lovely as she is when hanging around here so I’m pretty confident that I’m getting the real her rather than the polite version who is sucking up to her bf’s mum which is great news.

I have to admit OP that I am a little wary! Being completely honest, this is one I am warier of as a mother of a son than I am as a mother of a daughter.

I unfortunately never got to meet my MIL as she’d died when my DH was a child, and his Dad never remarried (I had a great relationship with my FIL until he died).

So my wariness comes from hearing from friends. It seems to very much go either way- I have some friends who have a very positive relationship with their MILs, but others where it is horrendous! Truthfully, some of their grievances are justified, but others are not, and I think with 2 in particular they just dislike them, so they can’t do right for doing wrong and are then treated unequally (e.g. not being prioritised over Christmas).

So yes, I share your fear! 😂

I think what is often missing in these threads is that it could easily be a husband problem, and not a spouse or in-law issue.

Not sure why they aren’t seen as the issue more. There’s only so much a parent can do once their children reach adulthood.

My SIL , whose dear mum died a few years ago, says he always thinks of me as his Mum. Aaah..! From the minute I saw him I knew we’d get on, thankfully!

I have cold politeness with my mil I only wish she could extend the same rather than snark.

Her daughter doesn’t like her mil either. I can see her being a mil from hell as well to her gaggle of mummies princes who run riot yet never don’t wrong.

The best marriage in my friendship circle married an orphan his such a lovely chap too would give you the shirt off his back.

A lot of mil issues are also husband issues where he either won’t stand up for his wife or actively lets his wife take the blame for his shitness.

This was 100% me. Then the bad relationship ended and I adore his g/f that he has now. Happy MiL all round!

I think the fact you are even thinking about this op means you won't be a nightmare MIL

It’s this, in a nutshell and is true of many issues that crop up on here. Blended families, partners being crap etc. People post when there’s a problem.

It is people’s real experiences, but we tend to only see the negative ones because at heart, MN is somewhere posters come for support. No need for support if everything is going swimmingly.

My DH got on very well with my mother.
I get on really well with my DiL, she is really a lovely, kind and caring woman and it was lovely to welcome her into the family. She makes my son very happy and loves him. What more can I ask for?