To be terrified of being a MIL one day?!

[ChronicallyOnLime]

this is relatively lighthearted by my god.. there seems to be a trend of MIL-hate everywhere I look.

I have a DS and the thought of his future partner not liking me makes my stomach drop. The stories I’ve read make me think I’d probably be one of the nicer ones.. I wouldn’t feel the need to have an opinion on everything in their own-together lives. But I fear that just being a MIL is seen as a total shit-show regardless of what you do.

Does anyone else with a son worry about being a hated MIL?! 🤣 DS is only 3 though.. so I have a long time to worry.

I am too, and am just getting a taste of the role! DS currently lives with us, and has a girlfriend who he stays with. I’m not really bothered but do prefer to know the schedule for meals etc!

It’s disconcerting when they make plans and don’t share them, as when we come to make plans they no longer work out as we imagined- we’d been intending a family trip to a big attraction and I suggested she join us, but it turns out they’re already booked.

She’s also not ready to meet us, which means he does all the running/driving based on where she lives. Sometimes it would be more practical for them to start from here. Of course she’s a huge part of his life, and it feels weird to not know her.

I’m also panic stricken as she is very brand conscious and quality conscious. I’m feeling totally insecure and at risk of judgment for my distinctly unbranded lifestyle 🤣 I feel the need to totally redecorate and scrub from top to bottom 😱😅!

I am resolutely repeating, ‘don’t be like that, Myplace, get a grip!’.

I am self aware and hope to goodness I manage to get my grip firmly in place in plenty of time!

These boards aren’t representative of MILs I don’t think - it’s disproportionately people coming on to complain about them, it would be odd for me to create a new thread just to state how great my MIL is.

My MIL is amazing. For the first time in nearly 30 years we live within a couple of hours of her. My in laws and my parents holiday together and both sides of the family celebrate big holidays together.

I wouldn't worry at all , if you are a normal , decent , self aware and kind person I think you should be absolutely fine. It's these manipulative, self serving , jealous, controlling one's that I think most people who can't stand their MILs are on about.

I have a teen DS and yes I worry about it.

I've not had great experiences with ILs. My exMIL insisted on having a key for our house, would walk into our bedroom without knocking at 6am, demanded to choose our crockery and curtains and wanted to come on holiday with us. She kept helping herself to my clothes. She even had a shared bank account with her son. She eventually drove us apart.

Years later I had DS with my then partner. His 23yo daughter took an instant dislike to me and made my life hell.

Since then DS & I have lived perfectly happily, just the two of us. We get on fine. He's now a teen and will head off to university soon. I will miss him terribly but he needs to 'fly the nest'.

I've avoided relationships since the last shit show. People are just too nasty and complicated to make it worthwhile.

I dread him choosing someone who tries to isolate him from me. But he's entitled to make his own choice. I'd hate to lose contact completely. 🙁

I'm nowhere near MiL times, but my 16yo has a girlfriend, and she talks to me more than my son does 😂

It's doesn't have to be a horrible relationship.

I like my MIL, she has her bonkers moments but don't we all!

I think it's really important to develop a family culture where it's not all about seeing the maternal side of the family. But women are usually more proactive so some men just don't make enough effort with their side of the family. You also get people coming on mumsnet to say "oh I don't want my mother in law to visit for a month after the baby is born" but their mum is there every day. You wonder how they might feel in thirty years being the mother in law in this situation. So model to your son both sides being important!

Hi op we get a post like this every few months.do you ever read the posts because ,usually it comes down to a man who has a unreasonable usually unhinged jealous demanding mum, he cant say no too. So his wife starts to suffer with mils in reach and her husband can't defend her abs stop mum. She's stuck between wanting too defend herself and yet being polite she not wanting to upset her husband.
Where as husband and mum don't seem to care

Not worried at all.

I’m pretty laidback and don’t expect to be the centre of my children’s universe or a matriarch. When they need me, I’m here when able and that goes for whomever they choose as a partner. I’m also not bothered about being a grandparent so won’t be asking about children and definitely no guilt tripping about how they spend their time.

I get on with my MIL. Are we close, no, but we have a level of respect that I’m content with. Would I have liked a mil that I was close to, yes, but that simply didn’t happen and that’s ok.

@Allswellthatendswelll usually a back story of wanting to be waited on, being disrespectful and rude and snatching babies out of arms whilst simultaneously saying breast feeding is bad because no one else can bond with baby.

Unless her son marries a woman who is manipulative, self serving, jealous and controlling. Then OP can be as normal and decent as can be and her DiL could still make her life a misery. MiL and DiL are not seperate species, with one being the problem and the other the victim. They are simply women at different life stages and with different relationships to the man they have in common. Most of us will be both DiL and MiL, and those who are MiL from hell now would have been making some poor MiLs life a misery back in the day. The OP can try her best to make the relationship work from her side, but she can't guarantee she will have a DiL who reciprocates. In fairness, in real life I don't see the negativity towards MiLs that appears on here. My Ddil is a delight and our relationship is lovely and my friends get on very well with their DiLs too.

My MIL lives on another continent but she's great- she always takes my side and tells DH off if she feels he's being unfair. Its wonderful 😁

My MIL is lovely, she expresses her opinions but not in a pushy way and we genuinely get along great. My mother on the other hand I've no doubt she will be the kind of MIL that gets written on mumsnet, my 3 brothers will need to be prepared to deal with her or their partners will be in for a rough ride. She's pushy, opinionated and if you don't agree with her she becomes arsey.

She tends to leave me and my youngest brother alone as we've never particularly bowed down to her demands but the 2 in the middle just go along with her for a quiet life.

This is where I see MN as being unhelpful sometimes- people largely post the bad stuff and the bad stuff is so varied- MILs who are too distant and uninvolved, MILs who are too close and over-involved, MILs who buy unsuitable gifts, MILs who ask for gift suggestions and hence add to the mental load of other people, MILs who tell their DGC off, MILs who just sit there while the DGC run riot…if you relied on MN you’d think being a good MIL was impossible, and yet lots of us have them 🤷‍♀️

My tips- your main influence on your son is how you behave yourself towards your MIL, if you have one. Do you try to nurture a good relationship? Are you someone who tries to accept difference and see the best in people? Or do you behave like you’re in Eastenders any time you perceive a slight? A lot of MIL posts on here seem to stem from a place of outrage on the part of both MIL and DIL that another woman might dare to know and love her son/husband. Cultivate a mentality of plenty- the more love the better, and if you and her see your son differently that’s because he’s more than just a son or just a husband. Don’t fall into a scarcity mindset where his love for her means less love for you. Be slow to take offence.

I don't worry so much about being a mother in law, more about my son having a parter that is good for him and they are happy.

I know they will be adukts capable of naking thier own choices, but people do make the wrong choice. Some men are awful to thier partners and everyone is sympathetic, but some women are awful too and people seem less sympathetic to men in that scenario.

I think it's very hard being the mum of a son or daughter in a toxic relationship and getting that right.

Absolutely this! I thought I was a kind, generous and pretty laid back person until I met my DIL! I could do nothing right. Ever. Luckily my son recognised her controlling, jealous and manipulative behaviour and she’s now my ex DIL, and he has a new partner who thinks I’m kind, generous and laid back. It’s not always the MILs at fault but we suffered years of heartache because of this

I worry more about becoming one of these MILs!

True , equally there could be a nasty DIL . I've had 2 experiences, first marriage, my in-laws were amazing my MIL was an angel and we treated eachother with love and respect. Second marriage no matter how nice I was to my MIL , she was just super sneaky, controlling had this unhealthy attachment towards grandchild and caused major arguments between myself and husband, but she'd do it on purpose, but he'd have no idea. We ended up getting a divorce.
I think it's true in any relationship, if you are both kind , respectful and loving it will be successful. Any negative behavior from either person it will not be a good relationship.

But yo answer OP question , she said she was scared to be a MIL as s lot of hatred, so simple to that is , be a decent MIL and she will be ok

Yes, I agree with this. It's out of your control to a certain extent. You can only control your own behaviour and sometimes that's not enough.

Your version of real life & mine sound very different then. I know a good few people with very challenging MiLs (myself included) and unfortunately for some of my friends there seems to be plenty of the useless husbands/dps about too!

OP the fact you're worrying about it though means you're already on the right track & will likely make an effort to be kind and welcoming to any potential future DiL. Like PP have said, nobody is starting a thread about unproblematic & lovely MiL but there's plenty out there.

My parents in law are lovely. They are elderly now but i’ve had no issues at all. Not everyone hates their in-laws.

The thing is, OP, that people only write about bad behaviour.

I am sure that I am not alone in having had the most wonderful MIL and PIL in the world. Unlike my DParents, they were kind, treated me as an adult, couldn’t do enough for my DC when they came along, came on holiday with us and were generally adored and supported by all of their DC and their partners until the day they died.

My DParents, on the other hand, were snobs, looked down on my DH and PILs, bad-mouthed my DH because of his profession and were reluctant to help (but needed help themselves, which, due to his work pattern, as they got older, my DH gladly ferried them around to hospital appointments, took them on days out with the DC while I was working and generally displayed all the traits he’d inherited from his DParents to become such a wonderful human being)

My PILs showed me how to be when my DC started bringing friends, then boy/girlfriends around - all the friends wanted to spend time at our house, especially when they needed support for whatever phase of growing up they were going through. Now I will be the same kind of MIL that mine was - and this is confirmed by my first affianced DC, so Thank you, MIL, for the fantastic example of in-law-hood that you gave me!

I got on with DS ex GF really well, that’s one thing you don’t realise is that when their relationship is over so is yours. Especially if like DS no children and still very young. His new GF is lovely but only met her once so far. He apparently warned her that we were like Jackie and Martin on Friday Night Dinner and she has agreed. I must admit we are a bit, I mean they aren’t awful people are they just a little eccentric. DH does eat out of date food in spectacular fashion like Martin to prove a point.

My mum is similar to yours. My sister is her golden child and bestie and the way she talks about my sister’s partner and his family is not great. Ramped up after my sister had a baby.

With my DH, she gets along very well. Completely different person with him.

Sorry, to add to my long post- I think it helps to keep your own life interesting and full with work, hobbies, friends etc.