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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Always my sister…

93 replies

Pamalarrr · 05/04/2025 18:38

I need some perspective!

I don’t have a close relationship with my parents despite trying. For context, I am 1 of 3 - a sister and a brother.

Before having DD, I used to think my brother was in the wrong for hardly taking his boys to see our parents. He favoured his in laws and was always out and about with them. However, since having DD (6) I understand now.

Our mum always seems to favour our sister and her 2 girls. Whenever I tell her anything about DD, she will compare or provide a story about my sisters girls. She is always there for my sister. Will often provide childcare (sister also married) and will always be out and about with them. If I ever invite them anywhere there’s a million reasons why they can’t.

We invited them to DDs first nativity play. They said no as it was too early. The next day they were out early with my sister to watch the girls in a dance show.

Over the years my resentment has grown. I was hospitalised when pregnant with DD. I needed a scan at another hospital. DH was on his way home from Portugal. I asked if they could take me to the other hospital for the scan, but they said no as it was too far for them - the hospital is 25 mins from their house.

Sister and I both work for the NHS. Recently my sister (a nurse) was talking about the pay increase and neither of them could understand why I get paid more than my sister. I felt like a failure and my job didn’t mean anything.

My husband is up in Scotland this weekend for a family funeral and I had a security issue with the house. I asked if one of them would be able to pop over to help and have a look. My Dad flat out refused and my mum of course was out for the day with my sister.

DD cries when she has to visit as she doesn’t know them. There is little interest shown in her which I think she’s picked up on.

i don’t know if I’m just being super sensitive or unreasonable (?)but I feel so sad that I don’t feel I have a relationship with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pamalarrr · 05/04/2025 18:52

It just saddens me when I see friends having days out with their mums and kids. I don’t know if it’s me that is the problem?

OP posts:
SSHandWC · 05/04/2025 18:54

You are being neither super sensitive or unreasonable, but from bitter , long experience of the same thing, I can tell you that speaking to any of them about it will do you no good.
They will either deny it completely or tell you that you are making a fuss for no reason. If you are really unfortunate they will revel in your unhappiness.
It's not fair on your daughter to make her cry and spend time with strangers.
There is an excellent writer called Anne Lamont who says something like "if family members wanted to be better spoken about/ remembered they should have acted better"
You should look up the stately homes thread on here, I think you would find kinship there.
You are not alone.

springbringshope · 05/04/2025 18:57

OP was your sister always the favourite one? Even before you all had dc?

Original poster
Pamalarrr · 05/04/2025 18:58

I did unravel a bit yesterday on the phone and referenced something my mum had said evict had hurt me. She couldn’t even remember saying it.

thank you. I will look up stately home ls thread.

OP posts:
CoffeeBeansGalore · 05/04/2025 18:58

You are neither super sensitive or unreasonable. I've been there.
Distance yourself. It's easier when you don't allow the inequality to be shoved in your face on a regular basis.

Original poster
Pamalarrr · 05/04/2025 18:59

springbringshope · 05/04/2025 18:57

OP was your sister always the favourite one? Even before you all had dc?

I think they’ve always been closer, yes. When we were teenagers (there’s 18 months between me and my sister), my mum suggested I go and live with my nan. I lived with her for about a year. The reason being my sister and I are like chalk and cheese. Interestingly it was MIL who said my mum and sister are peas in a pod.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pamalarrr · 05/04/2025 19:00

CoffeeBeansGalore · 05/04/2025 18:58

You are neither super sensitive or unreasonable. I've been there.
Distance yourself. It's easier when you don't allow the inequality to be shoved in your face on a regular basis.

Sorry you’re encountered this. Do you have much of a relationship now?

OP posts:
sunshineandshowers40 · 05/04/2025 19:01

You are not being sensitive. Speaking to your parents won't make a difference as I imagine they have always favoured your sister but would never admit. Is your sister the youngest?

I think you need to adjust your expectations, they unfortunately won't change. X

Flamingoknees · 05/04/2025 19:01

Can you spend time with DB and his family, and foster those family relationships instead? Do you get on with DSis? I'd go minimal contact with DPs and look at wider family contacts for your DD.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 05/04/2025 19:02

You are not unreasonable. I get it. The sun shines out of my sisters arse and thus her DC. It’s tiring being the black sheep.

lovemycbf · 05/04/2025 19:03

Echoing what others have said I’d distance myself and let them get on with it.
if they bring nothing positive to your life then they don’t deserve your attention or to know your child

Original poster
Pamalarrr · 05/04/2025 19:08

sunshineandshowers40 · 05/04/2025 19:01

You are not being sensitive. Speaking to your parents won't make a difference as I imagine they have always favoured your sister but would never admit. Is your sister the youngest?

I think you need to adjust your expectations, they unfortunately won't change. X

No the middle one.

OP posts:
CoffeeBeansGalore · 05/04/2025 19:24

@Pamalarrr No real relationship. It's hard at times tbh but I try not to think too much about it. She's the best mum in the world to my sibling. They are very similar. It's harder knowing she can be that mother, just not to me.

I'm fine. I have a lovely supportive DH & my (now adult) kids know they are loved & will always have me behind them.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 05/04/2025 19:38

@Pamalarrr been there done that and wore the tee shirt right out!! golden child has golden grandchildren! you will never be able to compete!! I just went no contact. far better for my own self esteem! I was the middle child of 3 sisters! the golden daughter was the first born!

Frenzi · 05/04/2025 20:01

Its just not worth the energy you give it.

My SIL, BIL and nephew live in NZ. I know for a fact that MIL and FIL give nephew at least £500 a month for no reason.

We live 10 minutes away from them. I go round every other day. Once a month I batch cook for them for the month.

I neither like nor dislike my inlaws but i know they feel very differently about my kids (adopted) to their (blood) grandchild that they have no contact with.

It is how it is!! They will always favor my SIL and nephew.

thepariscrimefiles · 05/04/2025 20:18

Pamalarrr · 05/04/2025 18:59

I think they’ve always been closer, yes. When we were teenagers (there’s 18 months between me and my sister), my mum suggested I go and live with my nan. I lived with her for about a year. The reason being my sister and I are like chalk and cheese. Interestingly it was MIL who said my mum and sister are peas in a pod.

Show quote history

So your mum basically threw you out when you were a teenager and you had to go and live with your gran while your sister lived at home.

You mum is horrible OP. Back right off and don't let her make your DD feel like you do, i.e. not even second best or an afterthought. Take a leaf out of your brother's book and stop seeing her.

Knittedfairies2 · 05/04/2025 20:25

Just drop the rope OP. It's unlikely your mum is going to change so, for your sanity, you'll have to. Don't put yourself out to see her, and build up your relationship with your brother; your daughter doesn't want to visit her but may enjoy visiting her uncle and cousins.

healthybychristmas · 05/04/2025 23:11

Frenzi · 05/04/2025 20:01

Its just not worth the energy you give it.

My SIL, BIL and nephew live in NZ. I know for a fact that MIL and FIL give nephew at least £500 a month for no reason.

We live 10 minutes away from them. I go round every other day. Once a month I batch cook for them for the month.

I neither like nor dislike my inlaws but i know they feel very differently about my kids (adopted) to their (blood) grandchild that they have no contact with.

It is how it is!! They will always favor my SIL and nephew.

I think you should drop the rope with them. Why are you doing all the cooking when they have made it clear they don't care for your family? Do you think they would do the same for you?

Contentment1628 · 05/04/2025 23:24

I’ve had precisely the same situation. I had my DS quite late in life and was treated entirely different to how my siblings were. Siblings had unlimited childcare, financial support, indeed one DGC pretty much lives FT with my DM. If I asked for even an hour of childcare it would be refused. The excuse given is always that we are older parents and therefore should be established enough to not need family support.

The end result is that DH and I have distanced ourselves from parents and as a result our DS doesn’t have a huge relationship with them either. He never spends a night with them or goes on a day out with them or anything like that.

He starts school in September and we are having to juggle work commitments to arrange drop offs and pick ups. Our parents have made it clear that they won’t be helping as they’ve already done their bit with DGC. That’s true, it just happened not to apply to our DS for some reason. There is over a 15 year gap between our DS and their other DGC so I guess they think they’ve moved on from that phase of their life.

We just ignore it all now and sort ourselves out and have very little to do with them.

Original poster
Pamalarrr · 06/04/2025 09:34

Contentment1628 · 05/04/2025 23:24

I’ve had precisely the same situation. I had my DS quite late in life and was treated entirely different to how my siblings were. Siblings had unlimited childcare, financial support, indeed one DGC pretty much lives FT with my DM. If I asked for even an hour of childcare it would be refused. The excuse given is always that we are older parents and therefore should be established enough to not need family support.

The end result is that DH and I have distanced ourselves from parents and as a result our DS doesn’t have a huge relationship with them either. He never spends a night with them or goes on a day out with them or anything like that.

He starts school in September and we are having to juggle work commitments to arrange drop offs and pick ups. Our parents have made it clear that they won’t be helping as they’ve already done their bit with DGC. That’s true, it just happened not to apply to our DS for some reason. There is over a 15 year gap between our DS and their other DGC so I guess they think they’ve moved on from that phase of their life.

We just ignore it all now and sort ourselves out and have very little to do with them.

Sounds similar. DD never gets taken out for a day. When they did have her overnight a few months ago, I got a call at 7 saying I needed to pick her up as she wouldn’t settle. It’s very hard not having that “village.” School holidays we use holiday clubs and annual leave as it’s easier not to ask as there is always a problem. I really don’t get understand the distance when my mums mum used to have us over loads for sleepovers etc. I’m trying not to feel too upset by it.

I also found a message between my mum and sister to say the only reason I had invited both my mum and sister over (this was a few years ago) was because it was evident I couldn’t cope with DD. I called them out on that and the response was I had misinterpreted. Even my Dad, who usually says nothing, just shook his head at my mum.

I think what further compounds things is my sister had a DD who is the sane age as DD and her relationship with our parents couldn’t be more different.

of course you then start to wonder if you’re creating a problem over something you feel you’ve imagined or made up!

OP posts:
Original poster
Pamalarrr · 06/04/2025 09:35

*has a DD also 6

OP posts:
Penguinmouse · 06/04/2025 09:40

I wouldn’t waste a second more energy on these people. They don’t respect you or your brother.

Beancoffee · 06/04/2025 09:41

Before having DD, I used to think my brother was in the wrong for hardly taking his boys to see our parents.

well that was judgey of you

Beancoffee · 06/04/2025 09:42

I also found a message between my mum and sister to say the only reason I had invited both my mum and sister over (this was a few years ago) was because it was evident I couldn’t cope with DD

how did you “find” this message?

Pleasegodgotosleep · 06/04/2025 09:45

Why do you keep going round and cooking for them then? They're not even your parents but you in-laws? Are they ill/infirm?

Even if they are if they can send £500 a month to someone they could pay for the services you're providing for free.