Always my sister…

[Pamalarrr]

I need some perspective!

I don’t have a close relationship with my parents despite trying. For context, I am 1 of 3 - a sister and a brother.

Before having DD, I used to think my brother was in the wrong for hardly taking his boys to see our parents. He favoured his in laws and was always out and about with them. However, since having DD (6) I understand now.

Our mum always seems to favour our sister and her 2 girls. Whenever I tell her anything about DD, she will compare or provide a story about my sisters girls. She is always there for my sister. Will often provide childcare (sister also married) and will always be out and about with them. If I ever invite them anywhere there’s a million reasons why they can’t.

We invited them to DDs first nativity play. They said no as it was too early. The next day they were out early with my sister to watch the girls in a dance show.

Over the years my resentment has grown. I was hospitalised when pregnant with DD. I needed a scan at another hospital. DH was on his way home from Portugal. I asked if they could take me to the other hospital for the scan, but they said no as it was too far for them - the hospital is 25 mins from their house.

Sister and I both work for the NHS. Recently my sister (a nurse) was talking about the pay increase and neither of them could understand why I get paid more than my sister. I felt like a failure and my job didn’t mean anything.

My husband is up in Scotland this weekend for a family funeral and I had a security issue with the house. I asked if one of them would be able to pop over to help and have a look. My Dad flat out refused and my mum of course was out for the day with my sister.

DD cries when she has to visit as she doesn’t know them. There is little interest shown in her which I think she’s picked up on.

i don’t know if I’m just being super sensitive or unreasonable (?)but I feel so sad that I don’t feel I have a relationship with them.

What about your dad? Could you build up a relationship with him? Even he shook his head at one of the comments. Does he secretly your mum & sister are wrong but says nothing to keep the peace?

@Pamalarrr I feel for you. I am
in a similar position in that my mum and sister are like two peas in a pod. Always together. The best of friends. Mum justifies it as that I was always the independent one and DSis always needed more of her time. I could go on and on but I won’t bore you!

I am a few years on from you with certain realisations. My dc are teenagers and I have made it my biggest priority to treat them fairly. To have a close and supportive relationship with both which doesn’t suffocate. But having no “village” when they were young was very tough.

All I can advise @Pamalarrris to stop asking for their time and support. Stop inviting them. Drop the rope. Expect nothing from them and you won’t be disappointed.

Six. She’s said this. And it’s right there in the OP.

I'm experiencing something similar with my sister and her very different effort with our other sister's two children. She used distance as an excuse recently and expensive travel, DH offered to pay for her travel and she didn't even acknowledge. She rings me when she's bored and bangs on about the other children non-stop. It's just hurtful tbh and I feel so sad for my son.
So I know how you feel OP. I'm trying to distance myself now, I don't want to have to explain to my son in the future why he doesn't even recognise his Auntie when she's clearly so close to his cousins.

Have seen this scenario many a times on Mumsnet. Favourite child's children become the favourite grandchildren, and OP is struggling watch their children get ignored.

It's not you. It's your parents. Terrible behaviour on their part.

Protect yourself. Be more like your brother. And don't get roped into being their carer as they age (because favourite child may be considered too busy and important for that drudgery).

Your sister is going to have a great time caring for your mum when she reaches old age.

Distance yourself, you really don't deserve this treatment. Focus on other relationships and your in laws if you can.

Your dad is probably silently realising how unfair your mum is behaving , so maybe leave the door open for him but bugger the rest of them.

@Beancoffee my advice - read the op!

I wonder if this happens
I’m married to a golden child
mil passed now , bit bil did a lot of ‘unnecessary’ running around for her.
even when it interfered with his job …

You need to grieve the relationship you should have had, but ultimately your mother is just one person in a whole spectrum of your life. You and your dd can have the loving relationship you don’t share with your own mother. Not all is lost. It took me decades to realise this, I was pining for her so much, but I could find other meaningful relationships in other people that more than made up for her failure in the end. And it is your mother’s failure, not yours.

Your mother must not be allowed to hurt your dd, that needs to stop immediately. Your dd is better off not having a relationship with her gps at all, than one that is actively damaging her. The cycle continues if you allow this op. Pull right back and protect your child.

Low to virtually no contact is best op. You can keep it civil but extremely distant.

You are fortunate to have a brother in this scenario, I would start to put some serious effort into this relationship, and explain you can now see his point of view, it will be very validating for him to hear.
If this bond strengthens it will give you a whole new dimension of family.

I would also put a 100% into your in laws, they can provide the love and support your dd needs. This will make up for your mother’s lack of interest. We never had either of these options, as all deceased sadly.

What I would say is I am free, and so are you. Your sister is in the worst position here, she is tethered now indefinitely, but you are not!

You can live anywhere, do anything, develop your own chosen family and enjoy a life of your choosing. The time you would have wasted pleading for a breadcrumb of their attention and trying to please can now be used to pursue your dreams, ambitions and interests. You will come to see this as a blessing in time.

Your mother is not the be and end all. As an adult you no longer need her. So stop asking. Call others in emergencies from now on. Your expectations of them should be zero going forward and then you can do the same in return.

Your sister will be the ready made carer in the future, whilst you and your brother enjoy life overseas or family parties at your house. See it for what it is op. Both long and short term. Get some counselling to process the loss, and then let it go and focus on the people that really love you and dd.

It is disgraceful she sent you away for a year and so cruel. Most people would have cut contact based on that alone btw. It makes me think this situation is far worse than even you are aware of 😕

Speaking from someone in a similar situation, I think if you say any thing you will only be disappointed when she flat out denies it and makes you feel worse.
I realised years ago you have two options in this situation you either distance yourself or keep a relationship with your mum but accept you will never be treated the same. I decided to accept it and not give her actions/words the power to invade my head any more. I have a wonderful husband, beautiful children and a good life and my mum is just one small part of that. I will say though that although my mum treats me and my sister very differently she does love my kids, if I felt that her treatment of my kids was going to affect them like it did me I would have gone either no contact or very limited contact. Another thing to think about if you decide to keep your mum in your life is not to fight for her love, I would often bend over backwards doing favours for her but I don’t any more and that definitely helps me to feel less bitter about the situation. I sometimes think that the one that is less loved/less helped ends up being the one that looks after their parents in their old age because they are still fighting for live and validation. I know I won’t be doing this.

My SiL does this with her DDs and their DC. She overindulges one and occasionally realises she takes the other for granted but nothing changes. It causes a lot of self-doubt, hurt and insecurity. In private she values them both equally but she benefits one far more and has a closer relationship with her.
Focus on your DB and MiL, OP. They have your back.
Why don’t you stop stirring it Beancoffee? Be understanding and supportive or STFU.

OP I am sorry you are going through this.
The going to stay with your nan really highlights how your mother favours your sister.
Can you 'develop' the relationship with your DB and his family and your MIL - who can see the situation.

You can't keep trying to win your mother's affection, and by what you have said your fathers too. That must be so exhausting. You deserve better. Go low contact and wait for her to reach out. If she doesn't so be it.

Remind them in their dotage and they need help they can ask The Golden One as you are too busy.
What goes around comes around imo.

Just to add after seeing your update, the childcare situation is a bitter pill to swallow. Probably the hardest thing for me to accept. Me and dh have had one child free night in over 8 years, my sister has help from my mum on a weekly basis and more if she or one of the kids is sick. The only way I could move on from this was to be proud of myself for not having to rely on anyone and know that this time will fly by and I really will have no regrets when they grow up in terms of how much time I’ve spent with them.

Karma came a knocking at my ils... Sil's dc were dc to be worshipped whilst they never knew mine. Sil had free childcare and free holidays for her 6 dc.. We all lived within 5 mins walk.. Once sil's dc grew up they stopped bothering with their dgps.. During Covid they never had texts or calls of concern... 1 of my dc sees them.. They have rewritten history and tell him tales of him as a small boy. They absolutely must be talking about sil's ds.. Of 9 dgc they see 1....
Time to reflect on their bad behaviour imo.

Just remember this when they’re elderly and calling you for lifts for hospital appointments. Their golden daughter can take this on - and the care and feeding when required.

I tuned in to your comment that you were sent to live with your grandmother for a year or so. That is just awful and says a lot. DP was in a similar situation as a child. He was sent to live with his grandparents for a period of time. Definitely more than a year, possibly two. He can’t remember exactly how long. But it really damaged him, even though he absolutely loved his grandparents. When he brought it up as an adult his mum just made some throwaway remark about him wanting to live with them and said sure wasn’t it great how close he had been to his granddad. DP thinks she couldn’t cope with all three of her children and sent the one boy away as that made sense to her in some twisted way. But what parent does that? DP has never stopped trying to please her. But honestly, it has come at great cost to our relationship and his relationship with our children. I can’t control what he does, but my objective view is that stepping away is often the best option. You can never win.

She wasn’t criticising you. She was saying it odd that you are forcing your crying daughter to see your parents when your parents want nothing to do with you or your daughter.

Why are you pushing this relationship?

Why not step back and see how long it takes for your family to notice your absence?

Your mum sent you away? Oh god OP. I’m so sorry. I don’t think you have fully appreciated the abuse your mother committed all your life.

It’s not wildly unusual in the fairly recent past in large families. I lived with my grandmother for a couple of years in my teens (80s) to free up space in our small, overcrowded house for my younger siblings. A friend of mine spent a few years living with an aunt and uncle when one parent was ill. And one of my neighbours in 2010-12 had her eldest granddaughter (late primary age) living with her Monday to Friday.

Certainly in the case of me and my friend, our relationship with our parents is good, all these years on (I’m early 50s).

My Dad has always been distant. Never asks questions about us and really his life is going to the pub and football. Growing up things were difficult. He would tell me I was a waste of space and needed my head testing as I’d likely wind up in a psychiatric unit.

I think it was unusual to be sent away for a whole year - but the crucial difference will be that you clearly felt loved and secure (and importantly not side lined for a ‘special’ child who didn’t like you) and that your perception of it was of love and care - not neglect and abandonment.

Oh op. That is unbelievably cruel. What a horrid thing to say to a child.
The hills are that way >>>>>>>
Hold your head high, and keep your distance.
As PP. have said , could you build a relationship with your brother ( who I bet had similar negative comments sent his way as a child)
Is he a ‘nice’ person , or has the earlier negativity rubbed off?

You need to accept they have a favourite. It hurts. I was the least favoured, my dc did not know their gp well, unlike the cousins.
Fast forward to their old age. I was living abroad, I felt no compunction to fly over to help.
The “golden boys” were their support. They & their kids had had all the good times (& a lot if money). I considered it perfectly reasonable