Always my sister…

[Pamalarrr]

I need some perspective!

I don’t have a close relationship with my parents despite trying. For context, I am 1 of 3 - a sister and a brother.

Before having DD, I used to think my brother was in the wrong for hardly taking his boys to see our parents. He favoured his in laws and was always out and about with them. However, since having DD (6) I understand now.

Our mum always seems to favour our sister and her 2 girls. Whenever I tell her anything about DD, she will compare or provide a story about my sisters girls. She is always there for my sister. Will often provide childcare (sister also married) and will always be out and about with them. If I ever invite them anywhere there’s a million reasons why they can’t.

We invited them to DDs first nativity play. They said no as it was too early. The next day they were out early with my sister to watch the girls in a dance show.

Over the years my resentment has grown. I was hospitalised when pregnant with DD. I needed a scan at another hospital. DH was on his way home from Portugal. I asked if they could take me to the other hospital for the scan, but they said no as it was too far for them - the hospital is 25 mins from their house.

Sister and I both work for the NHS. Recently my sister (a nurse) was talking about the pay increase and neither of them could understand why I get paid more than my sister. I felt like a failure and my job didn’t mean anything.

My husband is up in Scotland this weekend for a family funeral and I had a security issue with the house. I asked if one of them would be able to pop over to help and have a look. My Dad flat out refused and my mum of course was out for the day with my sister.

DD cries when she has to visit as she doesn’t know them. There is little interest shown in her which I think she’s picked up on.

i don’t know if I’m just being super sensitive or unreasonable (?)but I feel so sad that I don’t feel I have a relationship with them.

But then OP later said that she only judged her brother for not visiting their parents “20 years ago” however in the Op it was “before my daughter was born”…. So the op was judging her brother negatively without it would seem bothering to talk to him as to why he was reluctant to visit his parents

Why on earth would you want your child around these people?

I wouldn’t want my children within a 5 mile radius of your parents

You left your daughter alone with these people overnight?

you judged your brother for being in the wrong for not exposing these people to his children despite your father having spoken to you like this as a child?

I was going to suggest this. The one person who might really get it is possibly your DB.

could you reach out to him?

It’s hard for a child victim of abuse to see their family life as anything but normal. They have nothing to measure it against, and grew up with cruelty that was totally acceptable in their lives.

It’s only as we age and gain life experience do we start to question other’s behaviour. Having your own child is often a catalyst.

I think it's time to cut them off completely. For your sake and your daughter's.

I never had parents after 15 months. She still tries and can't understand why I won't talk to her, forgive her, while then immediately criticising me. My now ex MIL gave her my address so had a shit show from both potential mothers.

This 💯

I know it's easy for me to say, but I wouldn't take it personally, I bet your DM doesn't even know she is doing it. I have watched my MIL objectively for 20 years with her 4 kids (of which my DH is one). Who is in favour seems to rotate round the family over the years, but generally her eldest DD is in favour, even when she has massively kicked off and upset MIL. My DH moved away 25 years ago from living near MIL so we've never been deeply involved and it's therefore easier to be objective and not be caught up in her drama. So my advice is don't keep trying to engage, never go along with anything or DM says in relation to you DB or DS unless it's nice, slacken off the contact and do other stuff without DM, never talk about your business with your siblings or DM (e.g. don't mention your salary), concentrate on your own DH and DC, not on your DM. Perhaps follow the example of your DB and build your relationship with you MIL if she is still around.

My brother has his children young. I was 42 when I had my DD.

When they did have her overnight a few months ago, I got a call at 7 saying I needed to pick her up as she wouldn’t settle

but just common sense would tell you that a child who hardly sees her grandparents, and when she does she actually cries because she doesn’t want to see them…. Would have difficult settling OP?

how old are your sister’s children?

You said you thought your brother was “wrong” before you had DD. But actually it was more than a decade previous to you having children that you realised he wasn’t “wrong”.., what was the catalyst for that change of mind? I’m surprised you’re surprised given you’ve understood your brother’s reasoning for many years before you had your DD

Thanks for the constructive advice. I came here for advice not to be judged over my parenting.

Thank you for all of the other constructive posts. I’ll sit and look at the suggestions and links.

I won’t post again as I thought mumsnet was a safe space for people to share things. Not to be pulled down or made to feel like a terrible parent by other women.

Your brother probably distanced his children from your parents not because your parents weren’t interested in his children, but because he actively didn’t want his children around such unpleasant people

I hope you leave the thread realising that your parents being hands off is truly in your daughter’s best interest

Is your MIL nice - foster the relationship with her - go out for lunch/trips with her and yoour DD

Yes we get on, but she lives the opposite end of the country.

@Pamalarrr I'm sorry to hear that xx

@Pamalarrr

Ignore the negative, waspish comments OP. Sadly, on every Mumsnet thread you will find those who take pleasure in being hurtful and unnecessarily unpleasant towards those who were just hoping for some kind advice and understanding.
As the saying goes, it says far more about them than it does about you.