Always my sister…

[Pamalarrr]

I need some perspective!

I don’t have a close relationship with my parents despite trying. For context, I am 1 of 3 - a sister and a brother.

Before having DD, I used to think my brother was in the wrong for hardly taking his boys to see our parents. He favoured his in laws and was always out and about with them. However, since having DD (6) I understand now.

Our mum always seems to favour our sister and her 2 girls. Whenever I tell her anything about DD, she will compare or provide a story about my sisters girls. She is always there for my sister. Will often provide childcare (sister also married) and will always be out and about with them. If I ever invite them anywhere there’s a million reasons why they can’t.

We invited them to DDs first nativity play. They said no as it was too early. The next day they were out early with my sister to watch the girls in a dance show.

Over the years my resentment has grown. I was hospitalised when pregnant with DD. I needed a scan at another hospital. DH was on his way home from Portugal. I asked if they could take me to the other hospital for the scan, but they said no as it was too far for them - the hospital is 25 mins from their house.

Sister and I both work for the NHS. Recently my sister (a nurse) was talking about the pay increase and neither of them could understand why I get paid more than my sister. I felt like a failure and my job didn’t mean anything.

My husband is up in Scotland this weekend for a family funeral and I had a security issue with the house. I asked if one of them would be able to pop over to help and have a look. My Dad flat out refused and my mum of course was out for the day with my sister.

DD cries when she has to visit as she doesn’t know them. There is little interest shown in her which I think she’s picked up on.

i don’t know if I’m just being super sensitive or unreasonable (?)but I feel so sad that I don’t feel I have a relationship with them.

And DD cries when she has to visit as she doesn’t know them. why subject you DD to this

all very odd

If you have to beg someone to look out for and care for you, they just don’t.
Stop putting so much of your energy (physical and emotional) their way. Forge your own life with friends and people who really matter.

I find it interesting you weee so quick to judge your brother for being in the wrong, rather than just… you know, having a chat with him about why

I am sorry you dont have the parents you deserve. I will never understand why parents do this- its so cruel.

My advice is: grieve the parents you wish you had and then drop all expectations from them because it is the expectation that they will suddenly do something different that causes this unending cycle of disappointment and feeling let down. They wont change and if you bring it up you'll be accused of jealousy and resentment.

Radical acceptance is the way to go here - let them fawn over your sister and her kids and then you can decide how you want to manage it. I personally would be distancing myself and not putting myself out for them ever again. Spend time with people who DO care about you and make sure to value your worth from within yourself and your family. Your parents unreasonable behaviour is their issue and it has nothing to do with your inherent value as a person or a parent. It's them, not you.

You cant fix them, you cant change them, so accept them for who they are now rather than wishing they would be different and adjust your life accordingly.

The let them theory by Mel Robbins is a great read for this principle.

Ive matured and grown up a lot since then - talking nearly 20 years ago.

So you have anything constructive to share other than criticise me?

Thank you. Will look up the book. Yes it’s the disappointment part and the comparison with other mother daughter relationships.

How old is your daughter?

My advice?

don’t judge people without talking to them

and don’t subject your DD to people that make her cry

Your daughter is 6

you said “before having DD” you thought your brother was wrong to…

I'm sorry op it's absolutely shit and there's no excuse for it on their part. We've had similar but to a lesser extent, DHs dad will constantly compare my daughter to her cousin who is a week younger; DD will do something and he will say "x did that last week" and then blab on about her for ages, not even acknowledging our daughter. DD is also not one for forced affection and he will constantly say things like "well x gives me a kiss whenever I ask for one" 🤢

Drop the rope OP. They will never change no matter how you try to get through to them. Never ask them for a thing, and likewise don't do anything out of your way for them. "The village" works both ways. Don't feel guilty in the slightest to redirect them to golden sister for any help required. Stop trying to include them. How are your in laws? If they are good, redirect your energy into nurturing that relationship.

My mother always favoured my rapist brother - as an adult I was largely NC with both of them & let them get on with it.

Fretting about it & focussing on how unfair it is won't really benefit you.
Sounds as if you have a good relationship with in laws, and as a PP has suggested, focus and build on the relationship with your brother.
Let your sister handle all their cate needs when they're older..

It must be hurtful for you. But put in the same effort they have with you. None at all. Now you understand why your brother did this. You can’t change them

I think you’re idealising ‘other mother-daughter relationships’ (which are often far more difficult than what you describe). You have the one you have. Your mother has always preferred your sister. I get that this is painful, but you seem to be continually testing whether this is still true, and getting hurt all over again when it is. You’re only damaging yourself. I would have some therapy and work on accepting it. And don’t see every request for help of nativity play as a chance for redemption. Build your own ‘village’.

It’s sad that things are the way they are but it doesn’t seem like your mum’s going to change and your dad just goes along with it probably to have a quiet life.
Like other posters have suggested can you foster a relationship with your brother and his children so your daughter does have cousins to play with.
What about your in-laws are they involved grandparents and does your husband have siblings who have children the same age as your daughter.

Sounds like your MIL is supportive and has the measure of the situation - I’d invest in your relationship with her and drop the rope with your DM.

My parents are like this with my brother and his girls, talking to me about how great my nieces are, helping with endless childcare and favours, they even live with my parents now so they could rent their house out and save money.
My kids and my sisters kids never got half as much support and attention. I love my brother and we’re fairly close but he is the golden boy for sure

It’s not you it’s them. There’s a theory that this can sometimes be a result of dynamics at the time of conception/birth, for example the older child came along at a time the parent was inexperienced and wasn’t really ready or because they got pregnant because having a child was just the expectation when you married beck then, and they just didn’t bond in the same way that they did with a subsequent child that by then they were ready for, really wanted at that time and possibly even planned to have. The problem is they will never see your point of view or acknowledge your hurt so you really need to find acceptance that they are not able to be who you want them to be and be more like your brother. He seems to have accepted they aren’t going to be the parents he wants them to be and found a better relationship elsewhere.

Please make a Plan in your head to NOT be available when your parents need care in later life.
Prepare a way of saying ‘ too busy Mum and Dad, can’t golden balls sister do it, isnt she free ? So sorry, I have Plans.’
even if the plans are eating a whole packet of biscuits and drinking coffee in your own garden.
You need to ditch any guilt about this, now, so you can just give them as much help as they are giving you.
look up Out of the Fog, as it is liberating

Sorry you're going through this OP. I can never understand parents/grandparents who behave this way. Like others have said, I would focus on relatives who do care and ease off on your contact with parents. Is your dad more receptive to a discussion about this situation than your mum perhaps?

@Beancoffee

well that was judgey of you

don’t judge people without talking to them

I find it interesting you weee so quick to judge your brother for being in the wrong, rather than just… you know, having a chat with him about why

....and yet here you are doing just what you've accused the OP of! 🤷

This. They are very similar so get on. It's not your fault and awful that she makes you feel like this. Distance and low contact might help.

That’s a fair point actually. The sisters family will probably be far more important and it won’t be fair to expect her to do the caring because she’s so busy and has so much going on so OP will be expected to do all the work.

cut them off OP. They won't change and sound horrible.