Is this an overreaction or reasonable?

[SamuelDJackson]

Need opinions to settle a bit of a disagreement with DH.
We have some builders doing work on the soffits of the house: they were round this morning and have found an unexpected problem which requires that they remove/replace some wood and a metal beam that supports the balcony
So they need access to the balcony, which is through our bedroom. They are contractors from another company and we haven't met them before today.

We were planning to go out (teen DS is home and can keep an eye on things/lock up) however I'm not entirely comfortable with the builders having access to the bedrooms without supervision. In particular, I am wary of men I don't know being able to access clothes drawers and wardrobes, after an incident in a shared house where a flatmate caught a workman (that the landlord had arranged) rifling through our washing, and we then realized/noticed signs that he had probably been in all our rooms and drawers.

So I went up and emptied my underwear drawer (and various other private things, meds and so on) into a bag and took that to an area of the basement which wont be accessed during the renovations. DH thinks I am a paranoid, overly suspicious psychopath who is overreacting. I think he doesn't have a clue what men can be like and no idea how violating and disturbing it is to be unwillingly involved in their behavior and fantasies, through voyeurism, boundary violation, stealing clothes, photos, up skirting, and so on, even if you don't come to physical harm or know about it.
My clothes are in the basement now. Any thrillseeking builder can have a ball rifling through DHs boxers and mismatched socks for a trophy.

But; am I being unresonable to be suspicious or clear the room?

Overreaction IMO, but I guess if that's what you want to do, why not.

I wouldn't do it myself so I voted YABU. But I don't see the harm if it makes you feel more comfortable.

YANBU. I have a friend who helped out a builder and told me he first chance he got, went rifling around for sex toys

I don't know that I would worry about workmen going through my underwear drawer but I wouldn't be particularly happy about them being there , especially if I wasn't at home. It's very much a feeling of an invasion of a private space.

I think it's entirely reasonable for you to move anything you want if it sets your mind at rest a bit whilst they are working there.

I think it’s more a case of what your comfortable with rather than us it right or wrong

personally I think it’s a bit OTT but as long as you don’t expect. anyone else to help you just crack on and move stuff for you own peace of mind

Will they even stay in the house alone with someone under 18? Our tradies where I work aren't allowed to be alone with minors.

I would never think of it but now you've said it I might do the same. Like you said, your DH obviously doesn't understand how disturbing and violating it would feel to have your things rifled through.

I think you’re wise to not trust people you don’t know.

It sounds easy to have removed your personal belongings, so why not?

I moved everything without asking for his help so it didnt even inconvenience DH

DS is 17 nearly 18, I never even thought to even check with them about that: but these guys seem like a pretty small local firm and I suspect dont have a huge HR/policy dept

It’s a little OTT but it’s your home and your underwear so why not. I think it’s stranger that you won’t leave your underwear unattended with them but are happy to leave your minor with them 🤷‍♀️ each to their own

If you are paranoid about the character of your contractors to the extent you would hide your underwear but happy to leave your child in their company no wonder your DH thinks you are nuts

Either they can be trusted or they can’t but being more concerned about your clothes than your child is just odd

Write 'Fuck Off' on a piece of paper and leave it in the empty drawer.
Men do go through underwear drawers. Had it happen to me.

My minor is a hulking adult sized teen who to a large extent can look after himself. I would not have left him in the situation if he was a year or two younger, and wouldnt leave a teen DD in the same situation

YANBU it's your home and you've had a previous bad experience.

But I'm another who thinks it's odd you're ok leaving your child but not your objects.

I wouldn't be keen on people I didn't know being in the house while I wasn't. So I would have stayed home if possible.

Moving my underwear would seem a bit extreme to me, but you have your personal reasons which is not for anyone else to judge, really.

And your underwear doesn’t even have feelings. I didn’t suggest you are putting him in danger, I was explaining I see it as OTT to be so cautious about these possessions that you need to hide them in the basement but not your minor. But as I said it’s your underwear and your home, you aren’t doing anyone any harm

I am not too worried about DS - hes nearly an adult and what specific threat could the builders pose to him in his own home? Hes technically a minor but we dont walk him to school anymore, or stay with him at parties - and see leaving him in charge of the house for a short period as no more dangerous than his normal activities and interactions. Would you not feel an nearly 18 year old would cope with this situation?

The privacy/violation/ moving personal stuff is a totally different kind of concern: of its nature it would be an opportunistic, covert act, unproveable and possibly undetectable (though preventable by removal of the opportunity) but in my assessment, much more likely to occur than the builders starting any issue with DS: although they are subcontractors we have a paper trail/know who they are and if faced with any threatening situation DS could fight/lock the door/run/contact police/neigbours.

I am aware that my underwear and private stuff is not that precious and has no feelings - although my feelings about the previous incident are coloring my reactions and making me be more cautious. But its like making sure that your wallet isn't on the side/laptop isn't unlocked and open - it seemed easier to remove any opportunity for issues

If I didn't trust workmen with my underwear, I wouldn't trust them to work on my house.

Really? How do you make that assessment?

I wouldn’t remove anything from the room but I would never go out and leave builders in the house.

I wouldn't need to make an assessment. If I didn't trust someone, they wouldn't be coming into my home, let alone being left there unattended with my 17 year old child.

It would genuinely never occur to me to remove my underwear from my drawers, but then DH is in the trades and I find the idea that he might snoop just because of his job to be pretty bloody offensive, frankly.

This absolutely happens and I (once) knew an arsehole who did this as sport in every house they worked in, so it all depends how comfortable you are with the possibility of this happening. I have put away my laundry basket for this reason.

Its nothing against tradies - my dads a tradesman, and there are many in the family, who I would trust without exception, knowing that they are good men, but even then, I remember my dad firing a man who had acted inappropriately/stolen something personal in a customers house.
I am very greatful to these chaps who have turned up on a sat morning to sort out an unexpected problem and have been pleasant, respectful and good at communicating the issues with us. I have made them a cup of tea and am even happy to let them use the bathroom (a controversial issue here on Mumsnet!) although admittedly the guest bathroom where there aren't any personal things.

Its more about strange men in my room unsupervised - I would feel the same no matter the role of the visitor.

@SamuelDJackson I just find it odd that you're more worried about your underwear than your son.

I mean, if I really didn't trust someone to the point of hiding my underwear, they definitely wouldn't be being left in my house alone with my child

YANBU. You are going from your actual lived experience.

Don’t let anyone shame you. It’s not hurting anyone you ensuring your private things are safe.