Is this an overreaction or reasonable?

[SamuelDJackson]

Need opinions to settle a bit of a disagreement with DH.
We have some builders doing work on the soffits of the house: they were round this morning and have found an unexpected problem which requires that they remove/replace some wood and a metal beam that supports the balcony
So they need access to the balcony, which is through our bedroom. They are contractors from another company and we haven't met them before today.

We were planning to go out (teen DS is home and can keep an eye on things/lock up) however I'm not entirely comfortable with the builders having access to the bedrooms without supervision. In particular, I am wary of men I don't know being able to access clothes drawers and wardrobes, after an incident in a shared house where a flatmate caught a workman (that the landlord had arranged) rifling through our washing, and we then realized/noticed signs that he had probably been in all our rooms and drawers.

So I went up and emptied my underwear drawer (and various other private things, meds and so on) into a bag and took that to an area of the basement which wont be accessed during the renovations. DH thinks I am a paranoid, overly suspicious psychopath who is overreacting. I think he doesn't have a clue what men can be like and no idea how violating and disturbing it is to be unwillingly involved in their behavior and fantasies, through voyeurism, boundary violation, stealing clothes, photos, up skirting, and so on, even if you don't come to physical harm or know about it.
My clothes are in the basement now. Any thrillseeking builder can have a ball rifling through DHs boxers and mismatched socks for a trophy.

But; am I being unresonable to be suspicious or clear the room?

You're worried about your underwear but not worried about the fact you don't trust your builders?
Very OTT and a tiny bit big headed off you think that every man is interested in you that way! FFS!

I think the underwear is an overreaction and your husband using the word "psychopath", while probably in jest, is annoying.

I actually think those saying "if you don't trust them with your knickers why do you trust them with your son" are acting more paranoid than OP, and overreacting far more. Let's apply a little logic - is it more likely a group of men are a group of rapists (as let's be real, you're not going to find that one of them sneaked off, overpowered an almost adult teenager to assault him without anyone noticing his absence) or is it more likely one of them lifts a pair of knickers out your drawer as they walk past, or a pot of prescription medication?

So yeah, I think about 99% of people on your thread are overreacting @SamuelDJackson - you are too, but in a less manic way.

I don’t think people are concerned about the teenager being attacked - more that he’s in a vulnerable position as a 17 year old surrounded by grown men.

Would he be comfortable standing up for himself or objecting to what was happening?

I voted YANBU because we once had builders in who actually told my then DH that he’d looked through my underwear drawer and looked at everything and had found my sex toys. Sort of in a bantery ‘all blokes together’ jovial ‘this is perfectly normal’ tone. Said he did it in every house he worked in, like that was ok then. My then H obviously went ballistic and the builder tried to make out it was all a big joke. We fired that lot and I had to throw it all out, I’ll never trust a workman alone in my house again.

FFS, he’s 17. In a few weeks or months he’ll be able to get married, vote, leave home, leave education… in what world is he going to be terrified at being alone in the house with a builder?

What’s he going to do if, in six months’ time, he’s in student accommodation and repairs need doing? Are OP and her husband going to drive to the university to supervise the builders?

Well - if they want to rifle through my greying, saggy, granny pants then go for it!

What will he do when he legally becomes an adult not long from now?

If it makes you feel safer, then fine. It wouldn’t have crossed my mind!

Why would she do that when she’s already moved the items, which proved perfectly simple?

I’d love to say you’re overreacting, and maybe you are, BUT….when I was late teens, early twenties, I worked In a few pubs and was included in a LOT of boozey, coked up, after work conservations between tradies who I got to know quite well. This was early 2000s when camera phones were just becoming a common thing. I saw MANY, MANY “hilarious” pictures of plasterers (usually), chippies, labourers etc - trying on women’s underwear, posing with their vibrators, sniffing them, etc. Bants. I was young and bored and didn’t unleash hell on them as I would now, in the clarity of my crone era.

I don’t hide anything when there’s contractors in my house, mainly because I think this behaviour is definitely not the norm, but also because anyone who can get the horn from my saggy underwear draw deserves only compassion.

He’s unlikely to own his own house and become responsible for home repairs the moment he turns 18 so I don’t think he needs to panic yet

👆

i think you’re overreacting. I always leave tradesmen in the house. Nothing has happened and if they went through my underwear I wouldn’t know anyway but I seriously doubt it would happen anyway. I don’t think every man is a deviant

No, but he could move into student housing (very likely) or a house share (less likely at 18, but certainly not impossible). What’s he going to do if he’s in a property in need of repairs, or there’s a plumbing emergency? Tell the university accommodation service or the student landlord that he can’t be alone with a plumber or electrician because he’s only a boy?

You’d leave your teen (I’d do the same) with these guys but not your knickers safely in your knicker drawer? You’re being OTT

Well for one thing he wouldn’t need to be alone if he lives with other people, and it’s more the decision making that people were referring to which wouldn’t be necessary when he’s renting. Plus nobody is saying he wouldn’t be safe or feel safe, the suggestion was generally why is Op not worrying about that when she’s scared for her underwear.

If you are taking small measures to keep your peace, I’m not sure why that bothers him.

Also why does he think it’s acceptable to call you a psychopath. Is he really immature ?

I wouldn’t leave unknown workmen alone in my house or bedroom, no.

He lives with other people now. Guess what - sometimes people go out!

And what “decision making”? Do you think these builders are going to try to make a 17 year old approve a new extension or a loft conversion the minute his parents leave the house?

Plus nobody is saying he wouldn’t be safe or feel safe

And actually more than one poster has said this.

The conversation you were quoting and referring to wasn’t, it specifically said they didn’t feel he was unsafe. Although by OPs logic of evil men searching for her underwear you could argue he could be at risk if he hears them searching around in her drawers and confronts them.

He clearly isn’t at risk, and it’s very likely OPs underwear was either, hence her being OTT.

The conversation you were quoting and referring to wasn’t, it specifically said they didn’t feel he was unsafe.

But you’re saying “nobody is saying this”. That clearly isn’t true. Surely you understand the definition of “nobody”?

I’d have said you were OTT until the time when I came home from work while a plumber had been in my house fitting a new bathroom, and found that all my medication had been stolen from a cupboard in my kitchen. I’m belt and braces these days!

He's virtually an adult, not a toddler

What are they likely to do to him?

Do you understand not every written word is to be taken literally? I think you do, but that you’ve run out of intelligent conversation and so have now resorted to the child like arguments ‘yeah but youuuuuu said’. Time for us both to move on