Is this an overreaction or reasonable?

[SamuelDJackson]

Need opinions to settle a bit of a disagreement with DH.
We have some builders doing work on the soffits of the house: they were round this morning and have found an unexpected problem which requires that they remove/replace some wood and a metal beam that supports the balcony
So they need access to the balcony, which is through our bedroom. They are contractors from another company and we haven't met them before today.

We were planning to go out (teen DS is home and can keep an eye on things/lock up) however I'm not entirely comfortable with the builders having access to the bedrooms without supervision. In particular, I am wary of men I don't know being able to access clothes drawers and wardrobes, after an incident in a shared house where a flatmate caught a workman (that the landlord had arranged) rifling through our washing, and we then realized/noticed signs that he had probably been in all our rooms and drawers.

So I went up and emptied my underwear drawer (and various other private things, meds and so on) into a bag and took that to an area of the basement which wont be accessed during the renovations. DH thinks I am a paranoid, overly suspicious psychopath who is overreacting. I think he doesn't have a clue what men can be like and no idea how violating and disturbing it is to be unwillingly involved in their behavior and fantasies, through voyeurism, boundary violation, stealing clothes, photos, up skirting, and so on, even if you don't come to physical harm or know about it.
My clothes are in the basement now. Any thrillseeking builder can have a ball rifling through DHs boxers and mismatched socks for a trophy.

But; am I being unresonable to be suspicious or clear the room?

I did try to explain it in one of my last posts
Next time I will hide my son in the basement instead, and leave my underwear/personal items in charge

Your logic just makes no sense to me. You trust them to be alone and unsupervised with your 17 year old but not your underwear?

I mean, at the end of the day you can move your pants if you like, but it just feels a bit odd that you'd take massive steps to protect them but not your child.

I can understand your feelings and moving private stuff away just in case but I do think YABU starting to talk about upskirting issues and the like. Not sure why you need to start talking about all that, maybe that's why your husband gets fed up.

I do think it's a bit excessive, removing your underwear and hiding it in the basement! But you're not harming anyone else so if it makes you feel better crack on 😊

faerietales - Your logic makes no sense to me either, given that you somehow magically know which builders to employ that are 100% trustworthy, but cant see the difference between the potential issues posed to a 17 year old boy and uncontrolled access to personal items

The threat the builders pose to my DS is pretty much non existent. There is minimal motivation for bad behavior (unless gormless teens are your bag), very little likely gain and plenty of consequences if anything was to happen while DS was in charge of the house. I wouldnt have left him in charge as a younger teen, or as a female at the same age, because the threat level and likely ability to deal with a disturbing situation would be different

The possibility of covert and opportunistic activities (rifling through drawers, personal items, petty stealing of items or meds, voyeuristic behavior, trophy stealing) is much more likely than my DS coming to harm from contact with the builders. Its also pretty much preventable, hence moving stuff around, or if I had been able to stay at home, supervising the situation myself.

To me, this would be an overreaction. I’ve left tradesmen alone in our house loads of times. If any of them have ever had a look at my underwear or looked in the drawer where I keep my vibrator then I don’t know about it and it’s therefore not bothering me 🤷🏻‍♀️ Obviously it’s possible, but I don’t think it’s sufficiently likely for me to worry about and certainly not to put my knickers under lock and key.

However - you’re absolutely entitled to feel differently and I certainly don’t think you’re doing anything wrong by taking the precautions you’ve taken. It’s a relatively small thing to do and it’s made you feel happier and safer, so it’s fine, and not really any of your DH’s business. It’s not like you’ve gone to insanely elaborate lengths and buried a land mine under the linen basket, is it?

@SamuelDJackson I never said I magically knew who was trustworthy - if we were having building work done, one of us would be there to supervise. I wouldn't be putting my 17 year old in the position of supervising a gang of grown men - it's not approrpriate.

It's not about them being a threat to your DS, it's about your child being left in the role of an adult. He's unlikely to be comfortable enough to stand up to them or to intervene if they did something wrong, for starters.

faerietales: thanks for the reply, I understand what you mean a bit better now

I was happy leaving DS in the role of an adult for a short period in this situation, knowing and trusting him and his capabilities, and that he could and would contact us for support. Thats very individual though, I wouldn't have done it when he was 15.

I get you, OP. It can be hard for some people to understand when women worry about men in their bedrooms etc but I understand why you don’t like it. Rather than removing individual items, can you get some of those big dust sheets for furniture, drape them over your drawers and keep them covered and inaccessible that way? You can always pretend you’re having other work done / about to paint etc should the sheets be mentioned.

Another thing i thought of once when I left workers alone in my house all day was to make a passing comment that I had cctv cams in the house but not mention where they are. I ended up not doing this but it crossed my mind. Just puts that element of doubt in their mind not being sure if they are being recorded.

What is there to question about this, it makes perfect sense

I meant ' how does she know they are safe with her underwear?'

the whole thing is that there are many minor behaviors that are perhaps not exactly crimes or treated as crimes, but that are violations and overstepping of boundaries. By their nature these are often covert, opportunistic and fetishistic acts - such as the trophy hunting described upthread, stealing of underwear or other personal items, voyeuristic or peeping tom behaviour. And these behaviours are overwhelmingly perpetrated by males and very often are not known about or suspected unless their behaviour escalates.

So she may have a trust in and feel comfortable with the people she chooses lets into her home but I question how well she can really know them or their motivations, or whether they would not exploit an opportunity if it arose?
Shes already stated that she would never leave workmen unsupervised in her home, suggesting that her trust in them is fairly limited anyway.

I can see why you'd do this.
It's really fucking horrible that this occurred to you and that this shit actually happens.

Personally I wouldn't bother moving my stuff out my bedroom, but if you want to I don't think it's unreasonable at all. However, no way would I let a bunch of builders work on my house whilst I was out: especially if I hadn't met them before! Obviously, I'd want them to get on with the job but removing a metal beam from a balcony implies it would interfere with its structural integrity and I'd want to see what they are doing, not leave it to DS.

Shes already stated that she would never leave workmen unsupervised in her home, suggesting that her trust in them is fairly limited anyway.

It's not really due to a lack of trust, but more that I want to be on-hand to answer any questions, or deal with any emergencies or issues that may arise. I would much rather be able to show someone where X is, or how to use Y in person, than do it over the phone.

I wouldn't want to leave a 17 year old in a position of responsibility like that. They could easily get flustered, get it wrong etc.

I think this is bonkers.

Absolutely over the top reaction.

It does happen, I've heard of them having games and getting points for finding sex toys and guessing on what kind of underwear they would find. Have you asked your DH? Several people on this thread have heard similar stories so I'd be surprised if your DH hasn't heard of it happening

I laughed out loud at the thought of someone hiding their underwear - bloody ridiculous 😂

I never said it didn't happen, I just think it's pretty offensive that people assume tradies would be any more interested in your underpants than anyone else.

I mean, if you really think Dave the plumber is going to rifle through your underwear the first chance he gets, you'd surely never leave him unattended in your home with a 17yo, like OP did?

I had assumed that teen DS was of an age to look after himself, so no judgement there from me.

My husband used to be a foreman in the building repairs business. He had stories of finding workers going through clients underwear drawers, and on one memorable occasion finding a worker, um, having a good time with a clients knickers (boak).

Obviously he sacked those men immediately, but my point is that OP is not being unreasonable. I've always locked my bedroom door if workers are going to be alone in the house.

I had assumed that teen DS was of an age to look after himself, so no judgement there from me.

To me, it's not about whether he can look after himself, it's about the fact that most 17 year old boys won't feel as though they can stand up to a group of grown men. It puts him in a vulnerable position where he may not feel like he can call out anything that makes him uncomfortable.

Put a camera up visible in your room, they cost £35 online. It’s not that you want to watch them, but they’ll do nothing if they see a camera. It has an app. I would move any jewellery and I would never leave workman alone in the house without cameras. I would only really leave them alone if I had no choice/emergency actually, it could be the rest of the house and valuables or them looking around at stuff. I have pricey stuff though.

My ds at 17 no prob leaving him temporarily as he has my phone number but I won’t let him make decisions about the house, you can’t contract with a 17 year old anyway.

So you are happy to leave these unknown male builders in the house ALONE with your teenage son but don't trust them with your knickers. I think your priorities are a bit fked up to be honest.

You do you - if it puts your mind at ease, then go for it.

YANBU. We had builders go through our drawers and steal from us so it definitely happens.