Is this an overreaction or reasonable?

[SamuelDJackson]

Need opinions to settle a bit of a disagreement with DH.
We have some builders doing work on the soffits of the house: they were round this morning and have found an unexpected problem which requires that they remove/replace some wood and a metal beam that supports the balcony
So they need access to the balcony, which is through our bedroom. They are contractors from another company and we haven't met them before today.

We were planning to go out (teen DS is home and can keep an eye on things/lock up) however I'm not entirely comfortable with the builders having access to the bedrooms without supervision. In particular, I am wary of men I don't know being able to access clothes drawers and wardrobes, after an incident in a shared house where a flatmate caught a workman (that the landlord had arranged) rifling through our washing, and we then realized/noticed signs that he had probably been in all our rooms and drawers.

So I went up and emptied my underwear drawer (and various other private things, meds and so on) into a bag and took that to an area of the basement which wont be accessed during the renovations. DH thinks I am a paranoid, overly suspicious psychopath who is overreacting. I think he doesn't have a clue what men can be like and no idea how violating and disturbing it is to be unwillingly involved in their behavior and fantasies, through voyeurism, boundary violation, stealing clothes, photos, up skirting, and so on, even if you don't come to physical harm or know about it.
My clothes are in the basement now. Any thrillseeking builder can have a ball rifling through DHs boxers and mismatched socks for a trophy.

But; am I being unresonable to be suspicious or clear the room?

Do you understand not every written word is to be taken literally?

Do YOU understand that if you say the exact opposite of what you mean, people are going to pick up on this?

I haven’t “resorted” to anything. I’ve stated fact. And you are REALLY not in a position to suggest I’m the one who’s run out of intelligent conversation.

Given the experience it's reasonable if it makes you feel better. Who does it hurt?

I think personally it's OTT. But I wouldn't clean my house before a cleaner comes so it takes all sorts.

I have much more of a problem with your husband's language about it towards you. That's an over reaction to your over reaction and not nice at all.

I wouldn’t do it but it’s your choice!

It wouldn’t be something that would occur to me to be honest but you do you

My mum had a friend's husband who was a workman going through drawers he shouldn't have been in. My sister caught him. Yanbu there are lots of nosey perverts.

I'll start saying I don't find it funny, it is a violation. However, the men doing this do it for a laugh, not for sexual gratification. It doesn't mean they are going to pose a risk to a young man being left in the home, a young man who could very soon have his own home and need to manage people coming in for repairs alone.

It's not that I think the 17 year old would be at risk of an attack or anything, more that a group of grown men could easily be quite intimidating and could pressure him into agreeing to things he may not be entirely comfortable with.

Many companies won't allow children to be home unattended while they work anyway - I'm surprised it was even allowed lol.

I didn't say they would do anything - I'm not for one minute saying he's going to be attacked or beaten up.

I just know when I was that age, I'd have been pretty uncomfortable being alone in my house with a bunch of strange adults, especially if I was expected to "supervise" them while my parents were out. Teens can be easily intimidated in situations like that. It's different when it's your own home.

Personally I wouldn’t leave workmen that I haven’t used before in my home without me anyway. But it’s your house, you can do what you like, it doesn’t affect anyone else. Even your husband.

If you're that worried I'd have stayed in myself rather than expect a teenager to.

We had a houseful of different trades at one point, as the house was undergoing major renovations. The project manager had a key so they could come and go as they pleased as I still had to work. My eldest son was as often home before me with them all still working on the house and didn’t worry at all.
I didn’t remove anything from anywhere, if someone had gone rifling through my stuff they would have found fairly boring pants and bra sets and socks, I doubt I would even have noticed if a pair of pants had been taken. It didn’t even enter my head that there would have been anyone on site remotely interested in my underwear!

We had extensive renovations done when I was at secondary school

I would get home, make the builders tea and then they would sit and chat with me while they drank it.

Nothing to be intimidated by

I’m not sure. If it makes you feel more comfortable do as you wish and OH doesn’t really have much say in it what you do with your personal items does he?
I do think it’s a little bit of a reach to think they would be rifling through your private things, but then maybe I’m naive/too trusting. Surely they are professionals and wouldnt be risking getting caught and almost certainly losing their jobs just for a fumble with someone’s undies?

I voted YANBU. While it’s probably unlikely that the workmen would rifle through your drawers, you’ve experienced firsthand that these kinds of boundary violations do happen and they can leave a lasting emotional impact. Taking proactive steps to protect your privacy, in a way that’s neither confrontational nor obstructive to the work being done, is simply setting a healthy boundary. You’re absolutely within your rights to do so.

I also think it’s a false equivalence to question why you’re comfortable leaving DS at home. He’s almost an adult, with the agency and maturity to recognise and report inappropriate behaviour if it were directed at him. That’s a very different context than having your personal belongings potentially exposed without your knowledge.

And did your DH actually call you a "psychopath"? Because to me, that’s the truly unreasonable behaviour here. Throwing out a label like that is not only wildly disproportionate; it’s dismissive and invalidating. You don’t have to justify wanting to feel safe in your own home.

I think it’s a bit bonkers-but if it makes you feel happier and safer then why not. The proper bonkers responses are the ones suggesting that a NT 17 year old isn’t safe left with workmen in the house. Now that is truly weird.

A man who was removing old furniture from my 17 year old's bedroom, stole all her knickers that were in a see through packing box. So, definitely not paranoid imo.

That's an over reaction and a half!

The consensus seems to be I was unreasonable... I am a bit surprised given that there are many others on the thread who have experienced or know of similar issues with private items being stolen or rooms searched.

I am under no illusions about my attractiveness as a previous poster suggested, (even as a young student at the time of the original incident), but AFAIK things like stealing underwear, personal items isn't entirely about personal attraction, it is often a paraphilia or sexual fetish about the object itself, divorced from its owner and there can be an element of enjoying the violation, power and deceit - part of the psychological payoff is the thrill of boundary breaking. Like other paraphilias, age and perceived attractiveness of the target don't always come into it. And though its often regarded as a minor nuisance, a joke (like the ' all lads together' attitudes described by previous posters) I dont find it very amusing, and dont want to be even passively involved in it.

DP and I had a good chat where he apologized for his overreaction to what he felt was my overreaction. He had thought about it, and could see my point - and had never heard me mention the previous workman incident (it was before I met him, and its not the sort of thing that you really bring up) - his first reaction had been ' that's ridiculous, who would think about going through drawers?' which probably says something nice about him. So we had a chat about why it mattered to me - and I mentioned a few other incidents that have shaped my perception which I think shocked him somewhat. On reflection he could see why I felt better moving my personal stuff, and appreciated that removing stuff like tablet, meds and sentimental jewelry before giving access to a private space was just common sense.

The work has been done to a good standard, the builders were very competent and tidy. We will probably try and get them back to do a small related project later in the year. My hulking, technically minor DS is unphased by his recent endangerment experience. I will continue to hide my personal items in future.

I think nice men—like your dh and mine—are just really unaware of the world women live in.