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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that this father who hasn't taken paternity leave is a selfish *$&**$&*?

118 replies

GordontheGopher · 15/05/2008 11:23

Sorry but I am hormonal and this is my friend I'm talking about and I'm very cross on her behalf.

She had her baby Friday evening. Her dh had Saturday and Sunday with her and was back to work on the Monday.

May I add that she had an emergency c-section.

She also has a 2 year old with severe ezcema.

His MIL is staying with her to help.

His excuse? He's self-employed so doesn't get statutory paternity pay. They are not hard up by any means.

(DISCLAIMER: I understand some fathers may have to work to pay the bills, but this is certainly not the case here)

OP posts:

MsSparkle · 15/05/2008 19:35

Years ago men never took time off when the baby was born, they weren't even allowed in the birth!

I guess perternity leave is a new thing though that people think they can't live without, like M&T parking... i mean what on earth did people do without these things? They just got on with life that's what. We are too pampered too nowadays...

MsSparkle · 15/05/2008 19:36

Sorry we are too pampered nowadays...

That makes more sense

nannyjo · 15/05/2008 19:37

being self employed makes no difference. SPL is naff all. It's the same as being self employed i think. You still lose half a months wage and when that is the only bill coming in then thats a hell of a lot of money.

nickytwotimes · 15/05/2008 19:37

My friend's dh is self-employed and has no ttaken paternity leave because of the money and I totally understand! no work = no money.

nickytwotimes · 15/05/2008 19:38

and, yes, SPL is not much money at all.

Original poster

GordontheGopher · 15/05/2008 19:51

So let me get this straight. I am not allowed to care for my friend and post my worries on here? FFS.

OP posts:

Original poster

GordontheGopher · 15/05/2008 19:52

Sorry that should be care about my friend.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 15/05/2008 19:53

But you asked if he were being unreasonable.

People said no, considering he's self-employed and she's got her MIL to help.

LittleMyDancing · 15/05/2008 19:53

Well, you did put it in the AIBU topic, so if people thought you were being unreasonable, I think they are allowed to say so....

I do understand you feeling protective of your friend, but if she's ok with it and has MIL to help then surely it's her business?

do you like her DH normally?

funnypeculiar · 15/05/2008 19:54

The thread title is 'Am I Being Unreasonable?'. Unfortuntly sometimes you get an answer you don't want

nickytwotimes · 15/05/2008 19:54

Oh, you're perfectly reasonable to post your worries about her, but calling him a selfish beccause he doesn't want to lose out on money for his family is unreasonable, imho!

FunkyGlassSlipper · 15/05/2008 19:55

Of course you can care for your friend but you have come on here and called her DH a selfish $&$& which I think is a bit unfair.

expatinscotland · 15/05/2008 19:55

If she were my friend, I'd volunteer to help her rather than wonder why her husband wasn't able to take off work. I'd assume there were reasons why.

WestCountryLass · 15/05/2008 20:34

My DH went back to work the day after I had my DD. He is self employed too and we are not hard up BUT if he didn't work we would be as his custoerms would go elsewhere. If my DH took 2 weeks paternity leave we would be screwed! Of course it depends what industry you work in, my DH is in IT and primarily fixes things when things go wrong so if he didn't do that his custoemrs would be well peed off, baby or not.

edam · 15/05/2008 20:40

You can care about your friend without attacking her dh for trying to keep his business alive and a roof over their heads. People have explained again and again what it's like being self-employed but you are refusing to listen.

MadamePlatypus · 15/05/2008 20:55

If the MIL is the practical and helpful type, and he is self employed, I think its a pretty good option for him to take paternity leave when his work allows.

Obviously self employed women are not able to be as flexible about their maternity leave!

clockwork · 15/05/2008 23:10

'being self employed makes no difference. SPL is naff all. It's the same as being self employed i think. You still lose half a months wage and when that is the only bill coming in then thats a hell of a lot of money.'

Totally disagree with this. SPL is not good but even if you took 2 week unpaid then all you would be losing is 2 weeks wages. If you are self employed then you lose two weeks gross income. You lose the customers who go elsewhere and may never come back. You still have to pay (in our case) rent, rates, electricity, refuse collection and the wages of all the employees unless you want to piss them off by insisting that they take holiday at the totally random time that coincides with the birth rather than when they want to take it. You also lose money in the run up as you try to adjust stock and prevent wastage whilst you are closed. It costs thousands to close for 2 weeks.

If you take time off work then you don't get paid but when you get back they don't present you with a bill for the cleaning of the office that still happened when you were away and the secretary who wasn't as busy but still needed to be employed and the computer system that was still maintained and the subsidised canteen that lost a customer. All these things cost money and the employer absorbs the cost. If you are the employer then you may decide you can't afford it

UnquietDad · 16/05/2008 10:51

Yup, perfectly reasonable to ask the question and express the worry. But unreasonable not to take on board the alternative suggestions and points of view being made on here!

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