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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that this father who hasn't taken paternity leave is a selfish *$&**$&*?

118 replies

GordontheGopher · 15/05/2008 11:23

Sorry but I am hormonal and this is my friend I'm talking about and I'm very cross on her behalf.

She had her baby Friday evening. Her dh had Saturday and Sunday with her and was back to work on the Monday.

May I add that she had an emergency c-section.

She also has a 2 year old with severe ezcema.

His MIL is staying with her to help.

His excuse? He's self-employed so doesn't get statutory paternity pay. They are not hard up by any means.

(DISCLAIMER: I understand some fathers may have to work to pay the bills, but this is certainly not the case here)

OP posts:

motherinferior · 15/05/2008 11:53

I think we are being overly speculative here, tbh. From my pov, I did turn down work in the fortnight before my baby was due, and could in theory have lost (more) money as a result: it did suddenly strike me I could have been an additional month out of pocket. (As it happened, I went into labour before both due dates.)

MsSparkle · 15/05/2008 11:53

I may be wrong but i thought it was illigal to go back to work a week after the birth for mothers? I thought they had to take a certain amount of time off?

cestlavie · 15/05/2008 11:54

GG, as many people have said on this thread, he may have no choice about going back to work. It may very well not be a case of putting money before his wife or shirking his responsibility. Having been self employed and knowing many people who are you have clients and commitments that only you can fulfil. What do you say to clients? "The baby's due in mid May so I can't take on any work for that month and I'll have to stop any work that's happening at that time if the baby arrives early"? Do you think those clients and customers wait around for you?

To be honest, it sounds like you're pissed off as much because you're having to help out as anything else. I doubt he's thrilled about the situation either.

belgo · 15/05/2008 11:55

MsSparkle I'm talking about people who are not in the UK.

But if someone is self employed, how can the law stop them from working?

motherinferior · 15/05/2008 11:55

Cestlavie, pregnant women say to their clients and customers that they will be on leave for a specific period!

UnquietDad · 15/05/2008 11:56

Exactly - the assumption that he is glad to get away is a harsh one if nothing else. I doubt he feels totally happy about it, but it's work.

SheikYerbouti · 15/05/2008 11:56

DP didn';t take paternity leave when I had DS2 - he had about 3 or 4 days off as holiday, and I had no help and I had a CS and a 20 month old toddler to look after

it#s the way of the world.

If he had taken PL, we would have liost several hundreds of pounds, if not 1000s.

It's not ideal no, but I think your anger is wrongly directed tbh.

fryalot · 15/05/2008 11:56

When I had dd2, we were both self-employed.

Not only did dp go back to work immediately, but I worked a full shift whilst in labour, and I was back working the day after I came out of hospital.

It's not just that you don't get paid when you don't work, but you lose customers who go to your rivals and never come back. It takes a bloody long time to recoup that business, so even if it looks from the outside that they can afford to take some time off, in reality, if he did stay at home for a few weeks, he would have lost so much work that he may not have a business to go back to.

MsSparkle · 15/05/2008 11:56

I don't know, i doubt they can?

motherinferior · 15/05/2008 11:56

I'm not saying, btw, that this particular bloke either could or should have done this. I am trying to make the point that this is what women do. Speaking as someone who has funded two - set, clear and stated - periods of maternity leave.

MsSparkle · 15/05/2008 11:59

motherinferior, i imagine it's a lot easier for a woman to tell clients etc that she is taking leave on X dates because she is the one giving birth. For a man it's a different ball game all together.

VictorianSqualor · 15/05/2008 11:59

I came hoem from hospital three weeks ago with my new baby, my third child, I also have a7yr old and a 3yr old.
I left hospital on the friday, dp was back at work by monday, he is employed, he could have got stat paternity pay (Which is still shit and unaffordable but that's a dfferent matter)
He went back to work because he has clients to deal with on a daily basis, he has three deadlines a week he has to meet and have things checked over by these clients, if he doesn;t do it, no-one does, and he then loses his clients, or things fuck up with their business.
Not all jobs lend themselves to having two weeks off after a birth. Thankfully he took a week of half days, but as this wasn't covered under pat leave he had to use his holiday, so had to book it in advance and actually had one week of half days the week I was due, I had the baby at 41 weeks so that was a waste of time being off.

VictorianSqualor · 15/05/2008 12:00

Oh btw, I too had had a CS, so it wasnt as if I was really up and about.

SheikYerbouti · 15/05/2008 12:02

The birth of a new baby doesn't stop red bills dropping onto the mat or customers getting what they need elsewhere.

FunkyGlassSlipper · 15/05/2008 12:03

I'm with UQD on this.

We dont know enough to judge here. Just because you say they have no worries doesnt mean its the case. He may have work committments he cant get out of and without know his job it is impossible to say.

She had an emergency c section so it may be sooner than anticipated. Perhaps he plans to take time off in 6 weeks time when the exhaustion will really be hitting.

He has got his mother over to help too.

If your friend is unhappy about this then they need to sort it out.

handlemecarefully · 15/05/2008 12:04

Same thing with my dh - only 2 days off and then back to work. He is self employed too. And we are definitely "by no means hard up" either. In my case my mum came to help. I didn't mind really given that mum was around to assist - does you friend not get along with her MIL?

MsSparkle · 15/05/2008 12:07

If you were an outsider of our family, you would look at us and think "they aren't hard up."

We are not hard up no but only because we work as hard as we do. If we didn't work like we do, we would be in deep shit and fast.

mumof2teenboys · 15/05/2008 12:10

When I had my eldest, I came home on wednesday afternoon, whilst ex-p was at work, he was back at work on thursday morning.
With my 2nd, I had him on wednesday, came home thursday afternoon, ex-pwas back at work friday morning. (he only worked 1/2 day on friday!)
Both times, my mum helped out for a few days. Didn't bother any of us, I don't think you got paternity pay back then

soopermum1 · 15/05/2008 12:15

think DH was off for a week, maybe 2. i was glad to see him out the door, to be honest. he was just getting in the way and faffing a lot. MIL will probably be more help to your friend if her DH is anything like mine.

sitdownpleasegeorge · 15/05/2008 12:18

When your family are dependent on just one person's self employment earnings you can wind up in financial trouble very quickly if work dried up and there is a distinct likelihood of a recession on the way so don't jump in criticising unless you've tried the roller coaster of self-employment yourself.

I wouldn't judge harshly I'd be grateful for my own financial security.

I would guess that his drive to keep the business operating fairly normally is underpinned by the knowledge that he may have lean times ahead and he is the sole earner so he can't afford to annoy customers/clients with a "Sorry, nothing happening for the next 2 weeks, I've become a father for the second time".

It's not about earning the money now, it's about trying to ensure that there is a steady stream of income in the future.

nametaken · 15/05/2008 12:19

If she had had a normal birth I would say that YABU - but as you say she had an emergency c-section that I think he should have taken at least another week off.

People forget that c-sections are major abdominal surgery.

lucykate · 15/05/2008 12:20

my dh is self employed and didn't take paternity leave when either of our dc's were born. nothing to do with money, he had deadlines to meet and a reputation to maintain.

suey2 · 15/05/2008 12:32

my self employed dh booked off 4 weeks from my due date: it ran in to christmas/ new year so was easier to do than at another time of year. DD arrived by emCS 15 days late. 2 weeks of possible work wasted, which few people can afford. He ceratinly won't do the same thing if we have another child.

YABU IMHO. You cannot predict when babies arrive or how they will arrive. At least they organised a contingency plan with the MIL being around to help.

Original poster

GordontheGopher · 15/05/2008 12:40

Thanks nametaken you seem to be the only one who's recognised that!

OP posts:

FunkyGlassSlipper · 15/05/2008 12:44

I recently had surgery and had to rely on MIL and friends as DH couldnt take time off.

If he hadnt arranged for MIL to help then you may have a point but as it stands then I still think YABU

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