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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this father who hasn't taken paternity leave is a selfish *$&**$&*?

118 replies

GordontheGopher · 15/05/2008 11:23

Sorry but I am hormonal and this is my friend I'm talking about and I'm very cross on her behalf.

She had her baby Friday evening. Her dh had Saturday and Sunday with her and was back to work on the Monday.

May I add that she had an emergency c-section.

She also has a 2 year old with severe ezcema.

His MIL is staying with her to help.

His excuse? He's self-employed so doesn't get statutory paternity pay. They are not hard up by any means.

(DISCLAIMER: I understand some fathers may have to work to pay the bills, but this is certainly not the case here)

OP posts:
cupsoftea · 15/05/2008 11:36

He might need to work to pay the bills & will take time off when mil isn't there.

UnquietDad · 15/05/2008 11:38

We don't know, though - maybe he has contracts to finish and he will be having some time off later. If he can have a couple of weeks off at some point, is it less useful to have it when the baby is 3 weeks or 3 months, rather than 3 days? I don't think so.

Let's be honest, most dads feel guilty about this and are caught in the trap of having to work. If someone seems "well-off" it may well be that this is because they have always worked sensibly and they can't just stop when they choose.

themildmanneredjanitor · 15/05/2008 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eidsvold · 15/05/2008 11:38

my dh went back to work the day after dd2 was born - even though we had a 2 yo with sn and I was in hospital for five days after a c-section. Thankfully my SIL was able to come and look after my dd1 and her dd1 and newborn dd2 at my mother's house whilst I was in hospital BUT after that - I was on my own.

I came home after 5 days - he still had no time off. I had an almost 2 1/2 sn child who was not walking who needed to get to therapy and have therapy done at home, carried places. I also had a newborn AND no one to help me - no MIL nobody and you know what - I just got on with it.

Sometimes life is tough - choices are made and people just get on with it.

I do not see why you are so bothered by it - she has another adult to help and her husband is able to continue keeping his business going.

MsSparkle · 15/05/2008 11:38

RubyRioja, my dp runs a small bakery. He shuts the shop for a week at Easter, a week at Christmas and two weeks in the summer. If he didn't close the shop he wouldn't get a holiday. Not all selp-employed people can just take time off.

VacantlyPretty · 15/05/2008 11:40

Message withdrawn

Uriel · 15/05/2008 11:41

The type of contract's dh has and the phase of the contract, dictates when he can take holidays.

NOT in the end phase, NOT during testing, NOT during a factory shutdown etc, etc.

Uriel · 15/05/2008 11:41

Yuck - contracts, ffs.

Original poster
GordontheGopher · 15/05/2008 11:41

No she's not happy that he has gone back. She had a c-section and her scar is rupturing and cannot do anything. We are helping her out as much as possible - taking the son for her etc, but surely this is her dh's responsibility?

OP posts:
RubyRioja · 15/05/2008 11:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

belgo · 15/05/2008 11:42

I think it's unfair to say that's he's putting money before his wife. After all, he is earning money for his family presumably. And he may not want to let customers down by taking unplanned time off - after all you can't plan when the birth is going to be - you can't even plan it to the nearest month sometimes!

MsSparkle · 15/05/2008 11:44

GordontheGopher, what is her dp's job?

2point4kids · 15/05/2008 11:44

YABU unless you see their bank statements you do not know that they are 'well off'
When you are self employed and take 2 weeks off work it is not always 'just' the case of losing 2 weeks pay. He could lose out a lot more long term if he messes clents around or cancels jobs etc.

I was in hospital with ds1 from monday and he was finally born on the thursday. we cam home from hosp fri night and dh had to go back to work on the monday as he'd already had his week paternity leave through the long labour!
Such is life.

Anna8888 · 15/05/2008 11:44

Why are you cross on your friend's behalf? The point is: is she cross?

If not, it really is no business of yours.

Uriel · 15/05/2008 11:45

On one contract dh's boss was very pleased I had the baby on a Sunday! Dh was back at work the next day.

If he hadn't gone back then, he wouldn't have been paid, may have lost the contract - no money coming in and NO chance of benefits - and the company he worked for would have lost a LOT of money for not completing their contract on time.

It's not as easy as you think Ruby.

Original poster
GordontheGopher · 15/05/2008 11:45

I've just said that she's not happy. I'd rather not disclose his job - have given away too much info already.

OP posts:
MsSparkle · 15/05/2008 11:46

When my dd was born, we had a selfish baker who went off "sick" for two weeks out of spite (long story.) So not only did my dp have to do his own work but he had to fill in and do the bakers jobs as well. It was a really hard time for us.

UnquietDad · 15/05/2008 11:47

without knowing her DH's work circumstances it is very hard to judge. My assumption would be that he can't take time off now but may be able to do so in the future.

e.g.
if he's a roofer he can't leave someone with a hole in their roof for a couple of weeks

if he's an accountant people may need their accounts NOW, not in 2 weeks

if he runs a shop he may not have anyone to mind it

etc.

motherinferior · 15/05/2008 11:50

Yes, UD, but he could have calculated this into his plans and saved for it, I think.

Which is what I did, for both my maternity leaves, as a self-employed parent. (I paid for them fully myself, too, with no financial assistance from my partner. Cost me several grand for each four-month leave.)

MsSparkle · 15/05/2008 11:50

Being self-employed isn't always just about the money. A small business could break down if the boss took two weeks off.

VacantlyPretty · 15/05/2008 11:50

Message withdrawn

UnquietDad · 15/05/2008 11:51

Well, not if he didn't know for sure when the baby was coming. And even if he did, he wouldn't have turned down work in the 2 weeks before just in case.

UnquietDad · 15/05/2008 11:51

sorry that was answer to motherinferior's point

MsSparkle · 15/05/2008 11:51

I know my dp wanted to spend time with me and the baby at home but sadly he didn't have the choice.

belgo · 15/05/2008 11:51

I knwo some self employed women who have been working again within a week of giving birth. If they don't want to loss business, they don't have much choice.

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