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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this father who hasn't taken paternity leave is a selfish *$&**$&*?

118 replies

GordontheGopher · 15/05/2008 11:23

Sorry but I am hormonal and this is my friend I'm talking about and I'm very cross on her behalf.

She had her baby Friday evening. Her dh had Saturday and Sunday with her and was back to work on the Monday.

May I add that she had an emergency c-section.

She also has a 2 year old with severe ezcema.

His MIL is staying with her to help.

His excuse? He's self-employed so doesn't get statutory paternity pay. They are not hard up by any means.

(DISCLAIMER: I understand some fathers may have to work to pay the bills, but this is certainly not the case here)

OP posts:
GetOrfMoiLand · 15/05/2008 12:56

DP is self employed and I know that it is very difficult indeed for him to take time off; it is not the matter of money, but the fact that what he does is pretty specialised and his workers are simply not able to complete the work to a high standard in his absence (added to the fact he is a perfectionist and cannot delegate, but that's a whole other thread)

I honestly don't think the issue is that much of a problem, you friend has another adult to help, doesn't she? And as other have said, you really don't know their complete situation so it is unfair to judge.

theBOD · 15/05/2008 13:00

"He's self-employed so doesn't get statutory paternity pay. They are not hard up by any means. "
you say it yourself, it's not that he is not taking paternity leave, he is not even being offered it.
his business could be completely reliant on a customer satisfaction and repeat business and so being unavailable for work for weeks could cost him a lot of customers.

belgo · 15/05/2008 13:02

I think you'll find that most of us do appreciate that c-sections are major surgery.

I wouldn't be happy about being in your friend's situation, but I would have to accept that that's just the way life is.

LittleMyDancing · 15/05/2008 13:04

Is your friend upset about it? Cause if she isn't, then I think you probably ABU. My DH is self employed and he had to make superhuman efforts to take two weeks when DS was born, and it cost him a lot, financially.

and sometimes people look like they're doing well financially on the surface but aren't really as well off as they seem.

HereComeTheGirls · 15/05/2008 13:06

My DH couldn't afford to take unpaid paternity leave but fortunately his company offered to pay him and so he could.

We don't seem to have money worries but we couldn't afford to lose 2 weeks wages and maybe your friend's DH couldn't either!!

YABU.

expatinscotland · 15/05/2008 13:07

It's not a possibility for all fathers, financially or logistically.

I think it's a bit hypocritcal and hypercritical to expect one parent to shoulder the entire burden of breadwinning and still be expected to be as present and accommodating to the stay at home parent.

If it's going to be that much of a problem, then space your children out a bit more so the older one is in school or nursery or a bit more independent before having another one.

Running a family is the responsibility of BOTH - the earner and the stay at home parent.

fryalot · 15/05/2008 13:16

can I just ask, in a non-inflammatory way (if that is even possible on MN ) what has it got to do with you? Is your mate very upset about it, or is it you that is upset?

expatinscotland · 15/05/2008 13:26

And the MIL is staying to help, too.

She won't be on her own.

amner · 15/05/2008 13:29

He might be planning on having time off when MIL has gone. She wont be there for ever I presume ?

I'd be happy for my DH to do this if the circumstances were the same.

belgo · 15/05/2008 13:30

yes he may be desperate not to spend too much time with his mother

annoyingdevil · 15/05/2008 13:30

My dp is self employed and certainly can't afford to take paternity leave. Nor can we take holidays. Just be thankful you're not in that position

expatinscotland · 15/05/2008 13:32

He may have business debts people don't know about.

Or, as he is self-employed, he may be in the busiest season of the year and need to work to the max to increase profits to live on.

jcscot · 15/05/2008 13:33

In an ideal world, everyone would able to take the maternity/paternity leave they require, complete with whatever help/assistance they need.

It's not an ideal world.

When I had my first baby, I moved away from my husband for six months (the last three months of the pregnancy and the first three months after our son arrived) simply because my husband was in a stressful, busy, high-pressured job that could not guarantee paternity leave. Both of thought that I would be better off living with my mother and father, thus allowing my husband to concentrate on his work without worrying about me. As it happened, he managed to get paternity leave but that was due to luck rather than any sort of planning on our part!

I had an elective section for complex medical reasons and it was a hairy first few days. I can't say that either of us are disappointed or let down by what happened - mu husband was there as much as he could be and I had all the support and love from my family that a first-time Mum could wish for.

I'm expecting again and, once more, my husband's job might dictate that paternity leave is not available for us, at least not covering the birth (which he won't be present for anyway).

We made the decision for me to settle permanently near my parents and my husband now commutes on a weekly/fortnightly (depending on work committments) basis from his job. So, once more, I have lots of support around me as I face another difficult birth, this time with a toddler running around.

Without knowing the ins and outs of the OP's friend's situation, it's hard for me to say that her husband is being a selfish git or not. Yes, the friend may be a little disappointed that he's not taking paternity leave, given that she's having some complications, but perhaps their arrangements were made for the best considering what outside pressures the husband might be under.

However, I do think the OP is being a little unreasonable to judge so harshly.

Sunshine78 · 15/05/2008 13:35

My DH was straight back at work and I found it hurtful when people commented on this he is self employeed - we cant even take a holiday without mobile going. I know this isn't how everyone wants to live but we have made our choice and respect that others make theirs.

I agree with others people can seem to have no money worries but actualy have and dont want everyone knowing (money is a very private thing)

FunkyGlassSlipper · 15/05/2008 13:35

Squonk has a good point. If I were your friend I would be pissed off that you were posting about me.

meglet · 15/05/2008 13:38

If he's self employed then he really may have no choice, the economic climate is pretty scary and he is probably desperate to earn enough money for his family. I think if she has her MIL there then that's fair.

sophiewd · 15/05/2008 13:41

I ma having a c section in 5 weeks, we run a business, we have closed for a week but will have to start again 1 week after section, if we don't we can't eat pay bills etc.

TheHedgeWitch · 15/05/2008 13:42

This reply has been deleted

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Chequers · 15/05/2008 13:43

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expatinscotland · 15/05/2008 13:44

Also, if htis friend lives near you, perhaps offer to help her?

MsSparkle · 15/05/2008 16:02

GordontheGopher i think until either yourself or your partner have been self-employed, you wouldn't understand their predicament. It's probably not all about the money, although you don't know that for sure. But as my dp is self-employed i understand that it's not about money, it's about keeping your business alive and running which is what i'm sure this man is trying to do.

For men going back to work so soon because they are self-employed is not just "an excuse," it's very nessissary. If he did take two weeks off and the business suffered big time for it, i'm sure that would be far worse on their livelyhoods in the long run.

suey2 · 15/05/2008 17:14

agree mssparkle. Also, times may be tougher than even the new mum knows about and her DH is keeping it from her so she doesn't worry

Chequers · 15/05/2008 17:16

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clockwork · 15/05/2008 17:23

My dh is self employed and didn't take any time off for any of my dcs births. We can't afford to close down as we would still have to pay rent and all the wages which would come to about £4000 per week. Its not just about loss of income. My MIL came to help me every day. He is a wonderful husband and father and we are a very happy family is spite of never having a holiday and dh working 60-70 hours a week. Being self employed doesn't make you a selfish twat.

cory · 15/05/2008 18:36

Why the assumption that a CS is necessarily much worse than a vaginal birth? I was in much better shape after my emergency Caesarian than after "natural" birth (heavy blood loss and fanjo like a 4yo's cross-stitch sampler).

But this was in the days before extended paternity leave, so dh (working for the council) had his 2 days and that was it.