AIBU to think this is a fair split?

[Yourcatisnotsorry]

Person A works Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, various shifts totaling 25 hours per week. No commute time, no out of hours work, low stress job.

Person B works Monday - Friday 9-6. No regular commute but some business trips with 14 hour days at least a couple of times a month. Regular out of hours/late night work and high pressure/stressful job.

3 primary-age children and some pets.

Person A does all the ironing, cleaning, gardening and 70% of the school runs plus after school childcare/taking kids to hobbies 3.30-6pm three days a week.

Person B does all the life admin, pays bills, sorts birthdays and play dates, Christmas, kids hobbies, appointments and holidays etc. All shopping (weekly food shop and anything needed for the house, pets and kids), meal planning and looks after the children after school 2 days a week from 6pm until they go to bed and all day Sunday.

Everything else such as looking after the kids on Saturday, general tidying up, DIY, laundry, cooking, kids homework and pet care are shared fairly equally. Both parents get time to do their hobbies/gym/socialize occasionally.

yanbu to think this is a fair split of chores and both parties should be able to manage their obligations.

yabu if you think one partner has it much tougher than the other.

Maybe you need to make a list with all the jobs you both do and how long they take. Then you can see which of you has more/any time out. Swap things around so that you both do stuff you enjoy as much as possible. Maybe you could also colour code things to show whether they're high stress, boring etc. I think there is a mental load, that is often not equally shared, when one parent has to be the person who remembers everything (or feels they have to remember everything) for the whole family. Do you have to think about and plan cleaning, even if A is actually doing it?

The more information you add, the more in seems that A has a great deal. Are you saying that you have two parents around for most of the week all through the Summer holiday? That's jolly good compared to most families.

Hire. Another. Cleaner.

So A is complaining about the cleaning, but stopped the cleaner because it conflicted with one of his days at home ? I would answer any further complaints with “Feel free to organise a new cleaner”.

In general when DCs are young, if both DPs are feeling a bit frazzled and hard done by, then the split is generally about right. Here all the DF needs to do is organise a blinking cleaner and he would have the life of riley, but bizarrely given as it doesn’t improve your half of the chores in any way, that also sits with you OP.

I’m intrigued to know what you do for a career that pays 8x your husband and you take the summer hols off (presumably unpaid?!) in addition to your leave! Sorry I think A is having a great deal here, x3 days to themselves each week and you get nothing. You need a cleaner back and then he takes on some admin

Senior or Head Teacher (or academic) and husband works in a coffee shop or stacking shelves in Boots style job? ie Just above NMW for 25 hours ...

Except I wasn't sure if the husband also works from home - so maybe low paid computer stuff? (I know nottthing about WFH jobs)

Person B definitely has the greater burden.

So you have the whole of summer off and complaining that person A doesn’t do enough. If person A was like this before kids, it will never change. What job is this that you do?

A sounds like a lazy arse, only wanting to work 25 hours a week before kids. Not very attractive. A should stop whingeing about having to clean their own bloody house, and should pick up more of the life admin.

So you work many more hours than your h, you do more childcare than your h, you do all the life admin, your h has 3 days to himself per week … yet he’s moaning about having to do the cleaning??

He is a massive spoiled man baby.

I think you need to tell your partner that they need to work more hours to support the financial side or they take on more of the life admin. It is absolutely not acceptable that they do so little compared to you when they only work 3 days a week. All housework, all life admin, all weekday childcare, everything home related should be their SOLE responsibility.

We are very lucky and I know that. I’m not complaining :-)

Sounds like you probably work a similar number of hours over 12 months tbh.

You think because he does three days a week and she does five he should then do everything domestic? I think that's absolute bullshit, just as I do in the (much more common) situation where the woman works three days and the man works five.

I think Op meant the DHs do nothing not the SAHMs!

Senior Finance role on a London salary (though I agreed a wfh contract). OH is in sports. Finance is particularly well paid relative to what we actually do for society imo but my role is high pressure.

Summer off is unpaid leave for a month (nothing happens in the division in August anyway since it’s Europe focused and most of them have long summer breaks so it works well for my employer and our family)

I’ve only got as far as this in your posts OP but honestly neither of us iron and are life is no worse off for it. We also eat ready meals when life gets stressful, fortunately this is infrequently but they’re there for a reason. It’s fine.

You can also outsource ironing. Find someone who can both clean and iron for you! Well, ask person A to.

I would be completely rethinking the distribution of tasks here. You are doing far too much, as well as being the main breadwinner and have no free time to yourself while you husband has plenty. And on top of all that he has the cheek to complain! I would have totally lost respect for him after that!

But I’d have to find someone who does it, drop off/collect, remember when stuff is needed by, correspond with them, remember when their holidays are, pay them etc. I’d rather do the actual ironing than admin around it. I actually like ironing, you can do it while watching tv so it’s a treat to me. We mostly live in gym kits anyway so not much to iron.

OP it sounds like you’ve worked incredibly hard to negotiate great pay and a wfh / holidays off situation that works for your family and means lots of family time. The thing that struck me about your posts is when you said you were considering dropping a whole day (approx £55/ hour day rate I think on eg 120k salary) to clean your house, when your husband has x3 whole days available to do it OR you could hire a cleaner at £20/ hour max. Obviously there are tax implications on your day rate but as you said this would be a huge drop in salary to get cleaning done (and I presume have an impact on your ability to get your workload done). If this is something you are seriously considering then I think a big conversation with your husband is needed as your system / setup isn’t working

Your husband has a pretty cushy life @Yourcatisnotsorry

I agree with this and I think he really needs to take care of you more. Partly as he’s your partner but also because if you burn-out and are unable to work at your current level, your whole household’s finances are in jeapardy.

He doesn’t seem to appreciate this reality. And your current load doesn’t feel particularly sustainable (or enjoyable for you)

You sound really busy OP. Great you have the summer off but the rest of the year sounds too much. 3 young DC is a lot with a high pressure job and I think your DP should do more for the family to relieve the burden on you. Working only 3 days a week, he should do more.

I think it sounds about fair. Person B has a longer list but those tasks don't take as long as cleaning and gardening (depends on size if garden!). Person B could cut time spent on shopping by getting it delivered.

I like ironing too, but in your case it's the other person who does it. Is that your choice or his? Shouldn't optional jobs be done by the person who believes it's important?