AIBU to think this is a fair split?

[Yourcatisnotsorry]

Person A works Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, various shifts totaling 25 hours per week. No commute time, no out of hours work, low stress job.

Person B works Monday - Friday 9-6. No regular commute but some business trips with 14 hour days at least a couple of times a month. Regular out of hours/late night work and high pressure/stressful job.

3 primary-age children and some pets.

Person A does all the ironing, cleaning, gardening and 70% of the school runs plus after school childcare/taking kids to hobbies 3.30-6pm three days a week.

Person B does all the life admin, pays bills, sorts birthdays and play dates, Christmas, kids hobbies, appointments and holidays etc. All shopping (weekly food shop and anything needed for the house, pets and kids), meal planning and looks after the children after school 2 days a week from 6pm until they go to bed and all day Sunday.

Everything else such as looking after the kids on Saturday, general tidying up, DIY, laundry, cooking, kids homework and pet care are shared fairly equally. Both parents get time to do their hobbies/gym/socialize occasionally.

yanbu to think this is a fair split of chores and both parties should be able to manage their obligations.

yabu if you think one partner has it much tougher than the other.

You have totally exaggerated Person A's responsibilities and made several up!

Person B has too much on their plate.

Of course OP is doing too much. Get the cleaner back in and get person A in charge of life admin and meal prep and grocery shopping instead!!!!

I think with 3 primary DC and several pets it's bound to be knackering and both parties will feel like they're doing loads and don't have any time for themselves. If you can't outsource or streamline more (I'm boggled that ironing still needs to be done - years since I've bothered!), then you can redistribute a bit between A & B but realistically it's how it is being responsible for so many humans and animals on top of your own lives and it's just gonna be this way until they're older.

Maybe it’s projecting but I’m like OP in that I work full time 7-5/5 days do all the admin and the meal prep/cooking /groceries and half the school runs and when I’m stressed from work I have zero emotional rope for anything left. I don’t even feel like I have the energy to meet my friends after work and do something other than just read a book or watch telly in the spare hour I have .
so yea B is doing too much

I think this is it, Person B needs some rest! We all massively benefit from time in the week away from children AND work and without that (and 3 children) it’s easy to head towards burnout.

My partner has the high stress job with long hours and big salary but I’m a SAHM so do all the rest, school runs, admin, finances, cleaning etc. some tasks he does, and are left to the weekend such as lawn mowing but they are optional and dependent on how much of a break he needs. He gets a lie-in normally both mornings. I don’t think he could cope with his job and then all the things that person B does too. What screams to me here is person B is drowning in work and everything else and they need some headspace (edited to add, he does help with the children in the evenings as soon as he finishes work and he does some cooking as he enjoys this, but once they are in bed he can have down time without other jobs to do)

Alot of the "life admin" is unnecessary - handmade cards, checking availability to volunteer, costumes, replying to 100s of what's apps?? Other tasks like booking into clubs, diarising events are done what 4 times a year and take about 5 minute each it's a bit different to all the cleaning. I'm not saying A has an easy time but B doesn't need to be a martyr single parents have to do both sets of these tasks...

Life admin birthdays etc are tough when difficult to do but much shorter times than anything else, a is doing ironing, cleaning school runs and gardening? I think they’re both fairly equal but b could throw in a bit of cleaning tbh. A lot of families shop together so it’s b’s choice really. I am so on a different planet to most mners!!!!!!

Edited to add b could definitely change jobs if it’s getting to them, they’re highly qualified but if they don’t like the travel and late nights I’d assume there’s options out there for them. Dh goes away for days/ weeks a few times a year, it’s tough at home with children especially when you have to juggle work)

I can't imagine a man earning 8 x his wife's salary doing anything at home. She'd be expected to pick up the lot.

I actually think your tasks OP are not as time consuming - ie, bills generally are paid by direct debits etc, Christmas tasks happen once a year, as do birthdays. Shopping - online? Play dates arranging doesn’t take up much time, especially if the play dates are arranged for visits to other peoples homes,where minimal needed - ie, “does Oliver want to come and play Tuesday.” “Yes, he’d love to” “ok, will pick up after school with mine”. Job done. Person A has every day daily tasks.

Good point. Seems like Person B has all their non work time taken up with other stuff. Not to say gardening etc are easy tasks but you can get on with them on your own and some people find that rewarding. B gets a lot of the things dealing with people. That can be exhausting in itself.

Feeling sorry for person B.

100% agree.

What is Partner A doing with all the free time whilst the children are at school? Partner B is getting minimal non-work and non-child time whereas Partner A has the full school-day to themselves Wed-Fri.

Who is doing the school run on the 2 days a week you’re both working? Why is Partner B doing the childcare in the evening when both have worked similar hours (Partner A in a much easier job)?

I wouldn’t like this at all, OP. I think you’re getting a hard time in some comments as I don’t think many women would enjoy this - you are definitely carrying the heavier burden

Person A has far more time to themselves due to only working 25 hours. Person B works during all the school hours so has less time.

Maybe then a mix up of chores needs to be done

sit down and communicate look at hours work and split the rest accordingly and maybe do a rethink of tasks recognising that the ball cannot be dropped

Maybe your ADHD is why you find the life admin so hard? What if you and A swapped life admin and cleaning - would that be better for you?

Then OP will earn 90% of the household income (and all the stress that comes from that) AND do all the cleaning (and the meal-planning).

I don’t think this is fair and I think the bar is ludicrously low for men if this is what we are suggesting.

Life admin IS less work than cleaning - BUT OP is earning 8 x her spouse’s salary. She will be under a lot of pressure at work.

Why is A working at all if B is earning 8 x his salary? It would arguably be worth it to have A as a SAHP doing all the gardening cooking and so on while the kids are at school. A would probably have to accept at least some of the life admin then though.

I think this is actually the answer! I’m B and I actually like ironing and hate organising. The logistical challenge is that I have zero time at home that’s not with the kids (my choice as I love being with my kids) whereas A has 3 days a week off when they are at school. Ideally A would work 3 weekdays but can’t seem to make that happen :-/

I am thinking to drop to 4 days at work to get the cleaning/meal prep done in the 6 hours they are all school. Doing this means we lose more than A’s full wage which on paper just doesn’t make sense which is why I’ve resisted so far.

I actually think our split is reasonably fair. A has been complaining they have a much tougher deal. I just wanted to get a sense check. We are generally happy and have been together decades. We have reversed typical gender roles as I’m female and A is male and so our lives are set up quite differently to our friends and family and it’s difficult to know whether it’s really fair. I have male colleagues with sahm wives who do literally nothing at home and never have their kids alone so I feel like I do relatively loads but maybe that is not the best benchmark!

I agree I could do a lot of the stuff I do quicker. I like the kids to make homemade cards to express their creative sides and and practice their handwriting and choose presents thinking about what their friends like. I could just buy multipacks and write/wrap them myself, but what good is that doing my kids? I’m not about the easy life when it comes to my babies and I don’t need to be :-) I enjoy this stuff.

We lost the cleaner as A changed their days at work and so would be at home when the cleaner was here.

this is very true. Neither of us are good at it!

I can't believe that A is complaining when they clearly have a far easier deal than B. Why would they think that when they work part time in a less stressful role and have regular free time to themselves with B does not have? B is doing far more than is fair and A should be supporting them as their job is far more demanding and essential to family finances.

Your male colleagues who have SAHM wives who do nothing should get rid of the dead weight. They aren't SAHM is they don't care for their children or run things at home. They are very selfish ladies of leisure.

Perhaps you should show A this thread.

Money isn't everything OP and it sounds as if you dropping a day's work would reduce your stress and make the home environment nicer for everyone. I hope you can make that work out. And ideally that DH decides to earn a bit more to make up for it.

A changed days so would be home when the cleaner could do it. Finding another cleaner fell to B…

You are a genius. Please take my money!

A works in paid employment 24 hours a week
B works in paid employment 45 hours a week.