AIBU to think this is a fair split?

[Yourcatisnotsorry]

Person A works Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, various shifts totaling 25 hours per week. No commute time, no out of hours work, low stress job.

Person B works Monday - Friday 9-6. No regular commute but some business trips with 14 hour days at least a couple of times a month. Regular out of hours/late night work and high pressure/stressful job.

3 primary-age children and some pets.

Person A does all the ironing, cleaning, gardening and 70% of the school runs plus after school childcare/taking kids to hobbies 3.30-6pm three days a week.

Person B does all the life admin, pays bills, sorts birthdays and play dates, Christmas, kids hobbies, appointments and holidays etc. All shopping (weekly food shop and anything needed for the house, pets and kids), meal planning and looks after the children after school 2 days a week from 6pm until they go to bed and all day Sunday.

Everything else such as looking after the kids on Saturday, general tidying up, DIY, laundry, cooking, kids homework and pet care are shared fairly equally. Both parents get time to do their hobbies/gym/socialize occasionally.

yanbu to think this is a fair split of chores and both parties should be able to manage their obligations.

yabu if you think one partner has it much tougher than the other.

I’d prefer to be person B!

It really depends if both people are happy about the spilt really, not what’s ‘fair’.

There is not enough information on Person As tasks or how long the tasks take!

Does 'cleaning' include cleaning up after breakfast and dinner everyday, vacuuming several times a week, cleaning 1 or 2 bathrooms, changing all the bedding weekly, mopping floors, dusting, cleaning windows, cleaning the fridge, cooker, cleaning up after pets...

Then include the time taken to complete all Person A and Person B tasks each week. Only then will it be a fair comparison.

I don't think there's enough info to say if it's fair.

Is person A's low stress job a low stress, low reward and low prospects job? What are the shifts like? Is this a job they enjoy and wanted to pursue or one they do because it's what they could get that works for the family?

How long does all the ironing, cleaning and gardening take? Could be a huge task or could be very little depending on house, standards and behaviour of those living there.

Is person B's job one they wanted to pursue or one they feel they have to do to fund the family (or was the former but now the latter)?

Is person B's "looks after the kids from 6pm to bedtime twice a week and all day Sunday" mostly a matter of them being in the house, while the kids play/watch/TV (so loss of freedom, but not necessarily loss of time to do their chores, for instance, or to read/game/chat with friends) or do they actively parent most of that time?

How happy is each parent with the sorts of jobs/chores they've ended up doing compared with the sorts of jobs/chores the other parent is doing?

There are all sorts of ways it could be fair or unfair that aren't really related to the amount of stress or the hours it takes. Ideally, both parent's personal goals will be given equal weight once the family's needs are met. That could look quite uneven in different ways if the parents have very different goals in life but still love each other enough to try and make things work for each other.

I’d much rather be person B in this scenario - so clearly it depends on your preference.

Talk to each other!

Person A should pick up some of the cooking esp if they are not working Tuesday to sat

I personally think life admin with small children is a lot. School admin sometimes feels like a full time job.

I’m person B, this week I’ve got to sort a present and supervise kids making homemade cards for a birthday party, arrange a play date to cover one child to attend an afterschool event while another child has a hobby with person A and I’m 300 miles away for work, arrange holiday cover for Mondays and Tuesday next week as it’s school hols, re-register the kids for childcare places, return some parcels, arrange some pet care for an upcoming trip, reschedule some train tickets, try to get a refund from the bank for something, arrange some friend meetups in the school holidays, arrange plans with both sides of the family for Easter etc.

For school I’ve got to pay for a trip and fill in all the consent forms, check if we can parent volunteer for the trip, order/make costumes for a special event they have after Easter, read the new letter and diarise all the special events, try to book clubs for next term, remember to pay for the school lunches, find and return each of the kids school library books, respond to 100s of school parent WhatsApp’s, find and buy and remember to bring in end of term raffle prizes etc.

But of course 😂 I’m B and I’m frazzled. I didn’t put it in the op but I earn about 8x as much as B and I don’t think they grasp how difficult the work side is. They don’t need to think about work once they are clocked off.

Eh? You’re B but you earn 8x as much as B?

Did yoh mean 8x as much as A?

Fair point! Life admin with small kids feels like enormous burden to me which is why I’ve tried to list it out but most of it can be done online/phone. Cleaning feels more self explanatory and that I wouldn’t need to explain what it entails (bathrooms, hovering, dusting etc.).

Sorry I did mean I earn much more than A. Told you I’m frazzled 😂

Cleaning up after breakfast and dinner, wiping kitchen, hoovering a spill, dishwasher etc. is shared. Proper cleaning like bathrooms, dusting, changing beds etc. is all A. Tidying is shared. We used to have cleaners 2 hour a week for 2 so 4 hours worth of work a week though they didn’t do the bedsheets (though neither does A regularly).

“All the cleaning” is the key here. It is vague and how long it takes depends on the house, exactly what it entails, personal standards, and physical ability.

The personality of the children also matters. Are they kids who need constant attention and supervision or can parents multitask with reasonable ease.

if I were A, given my own physical issues and the fact that we had a SN child, I would default to B has an easy life.

Thank you. Person A is not career-focused and has not stepped down or anything for childcare reasons. Person B would love to be a stay at home parent but earns far more so works for financial reasons. Neither love or hate their jobs.

Both are active parents, home cooked meals eaten together at the table, do crafts and games with the kids etc.

A does the child care… 3 kids is a lots of work

I’m coming from a place of oblivious entitlement sorry. We all healthy no disabilities, physically fit and no SEN (well I have adhd but it’s not hugely relevant to the childcare).

the kids squabble and are still little enough to need near constant supervision.

Tbf half of the life admin stuff can be done from a phone whilst you are sat on the toilet. I genuinely don't get the angst about it that seems prevalent on here. I have met many people irl who have complained abut partners being untiday/lazy not pulling their weight with housework or childcare but never have I met anyone who has complained about life admin

It really is! Though I’m not complaining about the childcare aspect at all, they are fun to be around and we signed up for it with 3.

I think B does more alone time with them as A has them alone 3-30-6 3 days a week with several hours of this time where one or all kids are in a hobby. B has them alone 6-9 (though bedtimes staggered so not all are up til 9) twice a week and pretty much all day Saturday (A will see them for a few hours before work usually but be back after bedtime).

I hate the life admin the most! I’d much rather clean toilets than sit on one organising stuff 😂

Does person A do all day Saturday? Or every other Sunday? I don’t see much down time for person B, and I wonder how much family time they have together with so many activities. Otherwise most of person B’s stiff seems to be life admin, which i’d normally expect would go to the person working part time - but person B seems like a person who might naturally be an organiser/leader.

Replying to 100 messages on parents what’s app? Well I’d knock that off your list for a start. Also the handmade birthday cards, just buy cards. The days when you’re not working over I would leave your partner to sort out play dates and clubs.

Person a is into a good thing and taking the mickey. I’d consider my future as the longer you’re in the relationship, bye bye pension and assets.

Person B can automate most of those tasks online.
For example paying bills can be by standing order / direct debit so isn’t really a job. As for renewals they can auto-renew but diarise shopping around. It’s usually an annual event. Same for birthdays, moonpig will literally remind you as will most florists.
Meal planning, can also be done using AI with the right prompt. From there it will also generate a shopping list for you. And you can even get your shopping delivered. Booking holidays can also be managed by a travel agent, but I personally enjoy doing this so it’s not really a job imo.

I think Person A does a lot that’s physical, but they also have more time spent not working to do it. I think largely this is quite a fair split.

Life admin never takes as long as you think - the thought of it is often worse than the reality! Most of those tasks you list can be done in 30 mins a week if you sit down and crack on with it. I hate it too - I find it very overwhelming (& mine are teens - it doesn’t get any easier!) but if I just apportion half an hour a week and literally work through it in one go I can get it done. More headspace, less stress!

managing household life is tough - perhaps person A could take on the food shop / meal planning? That’s another massive headache IMO - I also think that’s easier for the person at home more.

Do an online foodshop OP.

I agree with others that you have really glossed over the 'all the cleaning', the mess from 3 kids compared to 30 mins on your phone a day filing in forms will be huge, I know which I would pick. But I understand that using your brain can be the last thing you want to do if you have done a long days work so maybe try and get it out the way in the morning.

cleaning, ironing and gardening are all fairly straightforward, little thinking ahead or planning and once they are done for that week / day you are sorted. All the life admin stuff, bday presents, Xmas etc can be a time consuming nightmare with loads to think about and way more faff and hassle plus there’s the pressure of ‘x likes this’, ‘I want x to have a special bday etc’. Depending on who you are it Takes up way more headspace..weekly good shopping and meal planning is also a horrible job. Poor person B! (Ironing is really unnecessary unless work shirts, just double spin them hang everything up straight away!)