Page 5 | Dad allowed daughter to pierce her nose without my knowledge.

ByGladCat · 2025-04-03T22:02:39+00:00

Please help. My 17 year old daughter had her nose pierced without telling me. She knew I wouldn't like it and she said I would have talked her out of having it done. However, I have now discovered that my husband, her Dad, knew she was going to get it done and he didn't tell me. Should I be upset with both of them or just try and forget it. She is nearly an adult I know. I am just so upset that this has all happened behind my back.... AIBU?

Gymmum82 · 04/04/2025 11:07

She’s happy to talk about things with her dad over you. Think about the reasons for that.

As for the piercing she’s entitled to do whatever she wants with her own body

FrozenFeathers · 04/04/2025 11:27

It's her face and she is old enough to make that decision. It's not like a piercing is permanent. She can always take it out if she gets sick of it.

But most importantly, it's her decision and not for either parent to approve or disapprove of.

ItGhoul · 04/04/2025 11:42

A 17-year-old doesn't need the permission of either parent to get their nose pierced. They can walk into any piercing shop and get it done any time they want. There's no law against piercing someone's nose when they're under 18, and most piercers won't require parental permission to pierce someone of 16 or over.

Her dad didn't need to 'allow' her and you need to accept that you can't do anything about this.

Sugargliderwombat · 04/04/2025 11:44

Gosh you must be very controlling, she's 17!!! I'd have a think about whether you want her to feel she can talk to you as an equal now she is pretty much an adult.

randomchap · 04/04/2025 11:48

@ByGladCat

You've had 5 pages of mostly intelligent and helpful responses. Have they helped you at all? Are you going to take note of the advice given?

ItGhoul · 04/04/2025 11:55

5foot5 · 04/04/2025 08:45

She’s 17. She can already join the forces
@theunbreakablecleopatrajones With a nose piercing? Don't the army have views on that kind of thing?

Sadly I think you probably have no say but I understand. This will mark me out as old but I think most piercings are awful. I do understand adults having ear piercings as ear rings can be lovely, though I have always been to squeamish to have them myself. But anywhere else on the face? Eww!

It's irrelevant whether you or the OP think piercings look nice, though, because it's not your face. If you don't like piercings, don't have any yourself. It doesn't mean you're entitled to be annoyed about anyone else having them. People don't exist to aesthetically please you.

You can have a nose piercing in the Army, yes. You just can't wear any jewellery in it while you're on duty/in uniform. A piercing is simply a hole in the flesh. A nose stud is a piece of jewellery you wear in a piercing. Just like a wedding ring is not your finger, but a piece of jewellery you wear on your finger.

CaptainMyCaptain · 04/04/2025 12:02

5foot5 · 04/04/2025 08:45

She’s 17. She can already join the forces
@theunbreakablecleopatrajones With a nose piercing? Don't the army have views on that kind of thing?

Sadly I think you probably have no say but I understand. This will mark me out as old but I think most piercings are awful. I do understand adults having ear piercings as ear rings can be lovely, though I have always been to squeamish to have them myself. But anywhere else on the face? Eww!

Re the Army - You can remove a nose piecing for anything active and put it back in on your time off.

FateReset · 04/04/2025 12:07

I'd be upset too, but at 17 she's nearly old enough to go without an adult. Personally I think nose piercings rarely suit anyone, and the fashion for nose rings and septum piercings is worring, I struggle to look at people who have a ring through their nostrils. It makes me squeamish. As a clinician I've seen hundreds of piercings infected or torn because they've been badly done, or allergic reactions to metals. Sometimes the wound won't heal or leaves ugly keloid scars.

But as parents we can only educate our children about the downsides, raise them to feel confident about their looks, and able to express themselves in ways that don't involve putting needles through their faces. Then it's up to them to choose.

Most of my friends had their noses pierced in their teens or 20s, some had eyebrows pierced, but none kept their piercings longer than a decade, if that comforts you

Allthegoodusernamesareused · 04/04/2025 12:13

FateReset · 04/04/2025 12:07

I'd be upset too, but at 17 she's nearly old enough to go without an adult. Personally I think nose piercings rarely suit anyone, and the fashion for nose rings and septum piercings is worring, I struggle to look at people who have a ring through their nostrils. It makes me squeamish. As a clinician I've seen hundreds of piercings infected or torn because they've been badly done, or allergic reactions to metals. Sometimes the wound won't heal or leaves ugly keloid scars.

But as parents we can only educate our children about the downsides, raise them to feel confident about their looks, and able to express themselves in ways that don't involve putting needles through their faces. Then it's up to them to choose.

Most of my friends had their noses pierced in their teens or 20s, some had eyebrows pierced, but none kept their piercings longer than a decade, if that comforts you

There's no legal minimum age for piercings, most piercers won't peirce under 16's without an adult present, but at 17 she can absolutely choose to have a piercing in her own nose without needing anyone's consent.

carcassonne1 · 04/04/2025 12:18

17 is fine. Also, in some cultures it is absolutely normal for girls to have their nose pierced, just like their ears. It wouldn't bother me at all. Why do you care so much? She is nearly an adult!

Imbusytodaysorry · 04/04/2025 12:23

@ByGladCat you really need to look at yourself and why they both felt they couldn’t tell you.
She is far to old to be told she isn’t allowed the piercing .

Corvido · 04/04/2025 12:31

My 17 year old phoned me a while ago to tell me she’d just got a piercing, no drama? She’s old enough to drive, and do allsorts, and basically an adult now. She might ask what I think of certain things and I’ll give my honest opinion and any pros/cons I can see, but then it’s up to her and she knows it. She makes generally good mature decisions. She’s allowed to also make her own mistakes and learn from them. I get the feeling you’re maybe a bit overbearing, if they both felt the need to keep it from you.

DwarfPalmetto · 04/04/2025 13:08

YANBU to feel the way you do. I didn't like it when my daughter got her nose pierced.

YABU to make a fuss about it. She anticipated you would be that way which is why she didn't tell you.

Try and forget about it and move on. I got used to my dd's piercing and hardly notice it now.

Original poster

ByGladCat · 04/04/2025 13:08

Thank you to all of those people that took the time to respond with kind, thoughtful, intelligent, and compassionate comments.

It appears some replies have imagined elements to my relationship with my daughter and husband that perhaps reflects more on their life experience, than the details in my post. For example, there was no mention of me shouting and screaming, coercion or refusing permission, or there being a lack of trust, in my post.

Suggestions that I am controlling or overbearing are rather unkind and without foundation.

I am thankful that my daughter values my opinion on many issues and we have a great relationship. We trust each other. She simply said on this occasion that she knows we have different views on a nose piercing and thought I would advise against it on medical grounds and convince her of that if she had informed me of her intention.

My upset was as a result of the fact it was done before I knew about it. If she decided that she was going to have it done then I would like to have been sure it was done somewhere reputable and safe. As it happens she did go somewhere safe and she is pleased with the result. She is a very mature woman with a mind of her own and is confident and capable.

My faith in this section of Mumsnet is a little shaken because of some of the more extreme comments. However, as I said before, I am grateful to those that have taken the time to respond with useful and considered replies.

OP posts:

AlanShore · 04/04/2025 13:11

But you are being controlling. How do you know that she didn't research where she was going to get it done?

She is a very mature woman with a mind of her own and is confident and capable.
So let her be one

Coffeeishot · 04/04/2025 13:15

I don't think any poster replied because of "their own life experience " at all but replying as women and mothers who could see this wasn't the biggest deal and I see no "unkind" posts, bottom line though your daughter in this instance trusted her dad more than you that is why she told him and not you.

Acedth · 04/04/2025 13:21

bringonyourwreckingball · 03/04/2025 23:21

Oh ffs she is 17. And she already doesn’t think you support her life choices if she didn’t tell you (not ask you) first. My dd had hers done at 16. I wasn’t keen but it was her choice, it’s eminently reversible and we looked up a reputable place together and I went with her. She is now 19, I can’t actually imagine her without the piercing but more importantly she knows she can tell me anything and I won’t freak out. And when I found out her father was cheating on me I had mine done too and she held my hand.

This just made me well up ❤️ what a lovely bond the two of you clearly have. Sorry you had to deal with that though

CaptainMyCaptain · 04/04/2025 13:21

AlanShore · 04/04/2025 13:11

But you are being controlling. How do you know that she didn't research where she was going to get it done?

She is a very mature woman with a mind of her own and is confident and capable.
So let her be one

Agree.

WeeOrcadian · 04/04/2025 13:24

YABVU

I had my first TATTOO at 16

Get over yourself, she's 17, almost old enough to bloody vote

Dramatic · 04/04/2025 13:30

PenneyFouryourthoughts · 03/04/2025 23:43

I don't the tattoo my DD got five minutes past her 18th birthday but what can I do? She tried nose piercings which actually looked quite nice but they closed up. Anything past the age of 16 I've bit my tongue as regards her appearance because it's her body, her choice. At 17, your DD can do what she likes unless it's illegal!

This. My daughter is 17 and since being 16 she's had her nose done on each side, her belly button done and her tongue. I wouldn't have chosen for her to have any of them but she's old enough to make her own choices, she's getting a tattoo the weekend of her 18th and I'll probably end up going with her. I've only ever had my ears pierced so it's all new to me but who am I to tell her no when she's an adult?

Dramatic · 04/04/2025 13:33

ByGladCat · 04/04/2025 13:08

Thank you to all of those people that took the time to respond with kind, thoughtful, intelligent, and compassionate comments.

It appears some replies have imagined elements to my relationship with my daughter and husband that perhaps reflects more on their life experience, than the details in my post. For example, there was no mention of me shouting and screaming, coercion or refusing permission, or there being a lack of trust, in my post.

Suggestions that I am controlling or overbearing are rather unkind and without foundation.

I am thankful that my daughter values my opinion on many issues and we have a great relationship. We trust each other. She simply said on this occasion that she knows we have different views on a nose piercing and thought I would advise against it on medical grounds and convince her of that if she had informed me of her intention.

My upset was as a result of the fact it was done before I knew about it. If she decided that she was going to have it done then I would like to have been sure it was done somewhere reputable and safe. As it happens she did go somewhere safe and she is pleased with the result. She is a very mature woman with a mind of her own and is confident and capable.

My faith in this section of Mumsnet is a little shaken because of some of the more extreme comments. However, as I said before, I am grateful to those that have taken the time to respond with useful and considered replies.

But why do you need to know about it? My daughter came home with two of her piercings without telling me she was going to get them, all I said was "oh they're nice" and got on with my day

Staringatthestars · 04/04/2025 13:35

I'd be looking a little closer to home (you) and work out why your daughter can't talk to you.

She's clearly feeling more comfortable to talk with her dad. You need to ask yourself why.

Coffeeishot · 04/04/2025 13:41

Reading your reply to everyone you come over as a bit intense and over analyse things, maybe the kid just wanted to get it done without analysing it, just a thought.

MeliusMoriQuamServire · 04/04/2025 13:52

'I am thankful that my daughter values my opinion on many issues and we have a great relationship. We trust each other. She simply said on this occasion that she knows we have different views on a nose piercing and thought I would advise against it on medical grounds and convince her of that if she had informed me of her intention.
My upset was as a result of the fact it was done before I knew about it. If she decided that she was going to have it done then I would like to have been sure it was done somewhere reputable and safe. As it happens she did go somewhere safe and she is pleased with the result. She is a very mature woman with a mind of her own and is confident and capable.'

See, I'd have a problem with this. This young woman is almost an adult. Why does she have to 'discuss' her choices about her own appearance with you? I have some piercings and tattoos. You bet I didn't discuss them with my mother and/or informed her about it. First of all, it's not her business. Secondly, I don't care what she thinks, whether she likes tattoos or not. Thirdly, I want it. ME. On my body. I don't need to inform anyone or listen to anyone's views/reasons/them trying to talk me out of it. It's enough that I like it and want it done.

I got my nose piercing at 13. Mother didn't like it and went nuts. Dragged my dad to the room to show it to him. Dad looked at me, said 'nice', end of story. Guess which one of them knows more about my life now.

As for researching safe and not safe - she's 17 and as you say - not an idiot. She doesn't need mummy guide her by her hand. She's smart and capable as you say and can perfectly do it herself.

isthesolution · 04/04/2025 13:57

Let it go. Neither of them have done anything wrong. And it isn’t worth being annoyed over such a little thing.