Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dad allowed daughter to pierce her nose without my knowledge.

140 replies

ByGladCat · 03/04/2025 23:02

Please help. My 17 year old daughter had her nose pierced without telling me. She knew I wouldn't like it and she said I would have talked her out of having it done. However, I have now discovered that my husband, her Dad, knew she was going to get it done and he didn't tell me. Should I be upset with both of them or just try and forget it. She is nearly an adult I know. I am just so upset that this has all happened behind my back.... AIBU?

OP posts:
Jimmyneutronsforehead · 04/04/2025 01:17

YABU.

It doesn't matter if you don't like it. She does and she's almost an adult.

Remaker · 04/04/2025 01:20

In the past two years my 18yo DD has had her nose pierced, a tattoo and a belly button piercing.

The only one I didn’t know about in advance was the tattoo. I was a bit upset because she was drunk and I didn’t think it was a well considered decision. She confessed she regretted it and was embarrassed so I didn’t give her a hard time. There’s a standing offer that I’ll pay for laser removal if she wants it.

I used to think I’d be the kind of mum who cared about these things but I credit DH with encouraging me not to police her body and to view it as self expression. She’s an amazing person, insanely intelligent, kind, funny and with a fantastic work ethic (full time Uni studies doing law plus 2 PT jobs). That’s all so much more important than piercings and tattoos.

TheSilentSister · 04/04/2025 01:31

There's more at stake here than a nose piercing. I mean it kindly but maybe Dad is more in tune with your DD than you are. Teens are all about exploring and on the verge of independence. Let her go and learn. It will be so much easier if you embrace this period of her life and encourage it.

lunar1 · 04/04/2025 01:45

Be relieved that she has a relationship with her dad where she’s more likely to come to him if she’s in trouble than try and cope alone.

this age is such a vulnerable time, we need them to run to us, not from us in life.

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 04/04/2025 06:14

At least you've got a heads up to prepare for the tattoo

littledawnkey · 04/04/2025 06:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Be careful making statements like this, nose piercings can hold cultural meanings. I’d like to see you tell my Indian grandmother that she’s trashy!

OP, you’d have a leg to stand on if she was 13, but sadly for you, she’s above the legal age to get piercings without parental consent.
Perhaps the real problem here is you feel that she trusts your husband more than you?
My mum tried to “stop” me getting a tattoo at 21! She followed me to the tattoo studio and scolded me like I was a child. Humiliating, and it made the tattoo artist question whether I had provided a fake ID 😐

Agix · 04/04/2025 06:51

Nose piercings are beautiful.

I got a lip ring without my parents knowledge or permission when I was 16. Maybe a different situation though, my parents barely acknowledged my existence so didn't care.

Get over it. It's not the end of the world.

Littleburdie · 04/04/2025 06:56

She didn’t go behind your back. What she does with her nose is nothing to do with you so there was no need to tell you. Leave her to express herself

Zanatdy · 04/04/2025 06:58

not up to either parent at 17. Her choice.

CaptainMyCaptain · 04/04/2025 07:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

What nonsense. I think they look nice and, in any case, It's OP's daughter's nose and she can do what she likes with it.

TheMauveBeaker · 04/04/2025 07:13

I will never understand people objecting to their adult ‘children’ having piercings and/or tattoos. I’ve only got ear piercings, no tattoos (can’t stand them) but my daughter has multiple of both (including a nose ring). Has a great job, getting married this year - the piercings and the tattoos haven’t hindered her at all in life. What’s the point in getting hysterical about it? YABU.

FrenchandSaunders · 04/04/2025 07:16

Christ if this is the worse she’s done at 17 then you’ve been very lucky.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 04/04/2025 07:17

There’s no ‘allowing’ here - it’s her body. My mum went nuts when I had mine done behind her back. No-one died, and as it happens I stopped wearing it years and years ago.

In your shoes, I’d be reflecting on why your DH decided not to tell you. Because of how you would react?

Sevenamcoffee · 04/04/2025 07:18

I had my nose pierced when younger. It fell out and healed, no obvious scar. She’s nearly an adult, you need to move on. I’ve a 17 yo and I’d only intervene in situations I thought were dangerous to her. Anything else is up to her.

Pricelessadvice · 04/04/2025 07:18

I thought she was going to be about 14 or something!

Shes 17… she can have a piercing without her parents being there.

RancidRuby · 04/04/2025 07:23

She's over 16 so doesn't need yours, or her Dad's, permission. Her body her choice, she's practically an adult and it's just piercing so completely reversible. It's not like she got a face tattoo!

autisticbookworm · 04/04/2025 07:28

She’s old enough to get a piercing. She didn’t tell you because you would have forced her not to do it. She told her dad because he doesn’t react thet way. You might need to rethink your parenting style as your dd is becoming an adult. You need to respect her choices and give her space to screw up and learn. Otherwise she will push you away.

Username197 · 04/04/2025 07:59

She’s 17 not a child. I had mine done at 9 or 10 because I wanted it and my mum was of the view if she didn’t take me somewhere safe to have it done I’d probably do a needle job myself (she did as a kid). I’ve still got it in at 36! The “horrendous” nose piercing has never affected my life chances.

hairymotherplucker · 04/04/2025 07:59

I think this is a 'you' problem rather than a 'them' problem.

Let it go. It's her face. We can influence but not control what they do at this age. At least she could talk to her dad.

It is so hard, I know, but it is how it is now. We have to guide as best we can and

🎶 Let. It. Go. 🎶

User5274959 · 04/04/2025 08:03

Don't be silly. She's 17.

Largestlegocollectionever · 04/04/2025 08:06

I’d say they didn’t tell you because they knew how you’d react - perhaps change your mindset and they’ll trust you more - you don’t own your children and you can’t control them

MistressoftheDarkSide · 04/04/2025 08:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Careful. There are cultures around the world where nose piercings are de rigeur.

56 year old tramp speaking, widow of a professional body piercer of 30 years standing. Happy to slug it out with you if you really want to flaunt your bigotry, narrow mindedness and prejudice. Not to mention misogyny.

SparkyBlue · 04/04/2025 08:27

She is 17. No wonder she didn't tell you because of how she knew you'd react. My 12 year old has said she'd like one and I've no big issue with it.

Pigeonqueen · 04/04/2025 08:29

You are completely unreasonable.

Nose piercings are one of the easiest things to remove if she wants to as she gets older and no one will ever know she even had one. And if she likes it then that’s fair enough! My dd now aged 22 is absolutely covered in piercings - septum, side of her nose, about 7 in each ear etc etc. Really not worth getting bothered about.

TheaBrandt1 · 04/04/2025 08:32

Piercings are now so common, ubiquitous and unremarkable amongst the youth it’s almost more interesting not to have them.