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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dad allowed daughter to pierce her nose without my knowledge.

140 replies

ByGladCat · 03/04/2025 23:02

Please help. My 17 year old daughter had her nose pierced without telling me. She knew I wouldn't like it and she said I would have talked her out of having it done. However, I have now discovered that my husband, her Dad, knew she was going to get it done and he didn't tell me. Should I be upset with both of them or just try and forget it. She is nearly an adult I know. I am just so upset that this has all happened behind my back.... AIBU?

OP posts:
Bobbybobbins · 03/04/2025 23:21

I think given she is 17, you need to let it go.

TomatoSandwiches · 03/04/2025 23:22

You need to learn to let go, she's 17, this is her body, you don't have any control over it at this point, which is only right.
You only have yourself to blame for being kept out of the loop.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 03/04/2025 23:24

It happened behind your back because she knew you'd try and control what she did with her own body. She's 17 and it's her nose, I wouldn't be keen on my child doing this but I also wouldn't try and control it because its not my body. Her dad did the right thing and I would have done the same in his position.

FoxFaceRabbitFish · 03/04/2025 23:25

If you want her in to be able to come to you with actual problems then you might want to take some time to reflect on why she and her dad didn’t tell you her plan, and why it upsets you so much that she’s making this very normal choice about something which doesn’t affect anyone else.

faerietales · 03/04/2025 23:29

She’s 17 - it’s nothing to do with you.

RightOnTheEdge · 03/04/2025 23:33

YABU. Is she right, would you have tried to talk her out if it?
She's old enough to decide for herself and a nose piercing isn't a big deal.

Ilovecakey · 03/04/2025 23:34

She is 17 it should be her choice it's her body!

MarketSt · 03/04/2025 23:36

I assumed this was going to be about a 12 year old.

She’s almost an adult. It’s just a nose piercing. Really not a big deal. Your reaction is why she didn’t tell you.

RedToothBrush · 03/04/2025 23:36

Age 14. Fair argument.

Age 17. YABU.

Wait till she comes home with a tattoo. Because she will.

Icanttakethisanymore · 03/04/2025 23:39

It’s fine. She’s 17.

Elunajeya · 03/04/2025 23:42

She went to him because she knew you’d say no. She’s 17, it’s fine.

PenneyFouryourthoughts · 03/04/2025 23:43

I don't the tattoo my DD got five minutes past her 18th birthday but what can I do? She tried nose piercings which actually looked quite nice but they closed up. Anything past the age of 16 I've bit my tongue as regards her appearance because it's her body, her choice. At 17, your DD can do what she likes unless it's illegal!

Blowingastorm · 03/04/2025 23:44

My son got his nose pierced at 17. I was horrified he would do that to his lovely, perfect nose. I told him it looked amazing and super cool. A few months later he took it out.actually, I’d forgotten all about it until I read your post. He’s now 20 - I guess he must have a tiny mark from the old piercing but I don’t notice it, it’s history!

mydogfarts · 04/04/2025 00:00

FoxFaceRabbitFish · 03/04/2025 23:25

If you want her in to be able to come to you with actual problems then you might want to take some time to reflect on why she and her dad didn’t tell you her plan, and why it upsets you so much that she’s making this very normal choice about something which doesn’t affect anyone else.

Agree. I'd be reflecting on my parenting style tbh. I have always wanted my children to feel they can tell me anything.

SalmonAndHorseradish · 04/04/2025 00:23

'Nearly 18' doesn't really come into it if in England, at 16 she is already old enough not to need parental permission - there is no legal minimum age for most piercings, but local authorities usually set 16+ as a condition of the licence; under 16s require parental permission, but 16+ do not.

I can see why you might prefer she didn't have it done, but it's her body, it's a fairly common socially acceptable piercing so not one that should cause her issues with employmemt etc, and if she changes her mind it's easily removeable and basically reversible - the hole fades away to almost nothing or closes completely. My sister and I both had our lips pierced at that age, she took hers out a few years later and the hole closed up and isn't visible anymore, I still have my piercing 20 years on and still really like it. Neither of us regret having it done. Don't make it a bigger deal than it is.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/04/2025 00:26

I had mine done at 16.

You know why she didn’t tell you and it’s good she can talk to her dad and know he’ll be reasonable.

If you carry on making a fuss about stuff like this she won’t tell you anything!

Samora · 04/04/2025 00:30

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steff13 · 04/04/2025 00:35

I'd be more concerned that she felt she had to hide it from you.

Throwingpots · 04/04/2025 00:39

Basically, so what? If this is the most challenging thing she's done I really wouldn't give it a second thought.

Catsandcannedbeans · 04/04/2025 00:44

I know you’re not happy and I get that, but she can take it out and it doesn’t leave a mark. If she has a job interview she needs it out for, they won’t know any different. It really isn’t the end of the world. I got mine done at 14, my mum let me on the condition “poke whatever holes in yourself you want but please, no tattoos”. It had not impacted my life at all, and it can be undone with no noticeable physical marks.

crazzynut · 04/04/2025 00:48

My dad let me get my nose done at 14.
By the time i was 16 my ears were done 7 times still have them in.
I had loads of piercings done the thing you should be thinking is thank god she can take them out if she dont like them cant do that with ink.
My dad told me pierce what you want but you will not have tattoos until your 21 or any piercings that make see through holes his words not mine.
I took his word ive never had any ink done not my thing over the years i have took most studs out only my ears and nono and nipple left.
My ears were first done at 2 weeks old by my nan this was way back in the day.

crazzynut · 04/04/2025 00:53

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Good lord you people really exist.
Im the trash of the trash then lol.

TheaBrandt1 · 04/04/2025 01:01

She’s 17 that ship has sailed. She’s Gillick competent and can now make her own choices. Interested as to how you would have “stopped” a near adult doing something they were perfectly entitled to do? Screaming and shouting probably hence why they didn’t tell you. Agree with pp I would be concerned that she won’t come to you with problems. Your relationship doesn’t sound great that the two of them had to hide it.

I made it very clear to dd1 that I hated tummy button piercings and would prefer she didn’t do that but of course it was up to her. I put my reasoning to her we had a chat but she decided she wanted it anyway and got it. No drama.

2JFDIYOLO · 04/04/2025 01:04

You couldn't have stopped her. She was old enough to choose what to do with her own body. Seems she trusts her father more than she trusts you. Maybe focus on why that was instead of wasting your anger on the piercing.

2JFDIYOLO · 04/04/2025 01:05

You couldn't have stopped her. She was old enough to choose what to do with her own body. Seems she trusts her father more than she trusts you. Maybe focus on why that was instead of wasting your anger on the piercing.