Behaviour issues Fortnite

[NiftyShaker]

Son plays a lot of Fortnite and behaviour around that time is awful.

It’s either fights with friends, or sad he has to come off it.

On the evenings he plays, we know there will be an issue afterwards and it’s very draining for everyone, including him I’m sure.

We also have general behaviour issues and meltdowns, more than the average boy his age.

He has gotten better during the game, letting more things go etc.

He already has limited time on it compared to his friends. He gets to play every other day and comes off at 7 to wind down. Most of his other friends play whenever they want, until late in the evening past his bedtime.

We are considering reducing his gameplay to once a week because these meltdowns really do take over the evening and we’ve had enough, and it’s clear this is not a healthy game for young boys to play. The issue is that all these friends chat online through mics when they are playing, so we are worried about isolating him from friends by reducing his gameplay time so drastically.

AIBU?

Has anyone else experienced similar and have advice of what worked for them?

So to the person who said he may physically attack me when he’s older - this will never happen. He may have an attitude and be shouty/grumpy but he would never attack me. He is a very kind boy at heart. I’m surprised no one has mentioned the hormonal issues that come in at this age, a lot of the boys struggling to control their emotions and temper etc

I’m probably going to completely out myself here but we have a baby, so I can’t always go in 20 mins, 10 mins, 5 mins before if I’m feeding to or tending to the baby. This is why things have become more relaxed and we have to limit to 2 clubs per week. My partner isn’t home until late so it is me dealing with both the kids from the time they wake up until they go to bed so I can’t always attend to things immediately.

Of course it would be ideal to always have him be out and active but that’s not possible now, so he gets more screen time.

I do try and involve him more with what I need to do say you can help me make dinner, feed the baby, walk the dog, if I’m feeding the baby I suggest we watch a show together but a lot of the time it’s an argument and he doesn’t want to. He’s got to that age where he’d rather play with friends than he with me. I do think I will force this more though. Now it’s warmer we can go to the park go for walks more together.

He has play dates usually 3 or 4 a month, but they all always want to play Fortnite. It’s the thing they all love.

We held off getting Fortnite a year longer than his friends, and he was made fun of. We also have repeatedly banned him from it for a few days or weeks at a time and he gets fun of because they all become better at it as they are on it more

Once banned his behaviour improves (but is this just because he is trying to get it back?) so we agree he can go back on and the cycle repeats. We haven’t done a ban longer than a few days for a while though so I think this is worth trying.

We will try the long ban (3+ weeks)

When he’s back on we will drastically reduce the time he’s on it and be stricter with behaviour

If that doesn’t work the last option is delete the game for good.

We also think we should get him a different game to play such as FIFA to perhaps catch his interest.

Me and my partner have agreed that if doing the steps above and him eventually not being allowed back on does cause issues in his friendships, then he may move on and make other friends and that may be hard at the time but ultimately is what’s best for him at the moment

Sounds like a good approach for the minute - I think a PP made an excellent point when they said the kids who have been allowed to sit on Fortnite for hours each day from 7 years old are probably NOT the friends you would ideally like for your son in 3 years time. They are almost certainly going to be the kids with very loose parenting, and their path is likely to be a lot less positive. If you need to remove it when life settles, he will make new friends if needed. My 13yr old DS has managed to keep friends, even though we are strict around screens. He went to high school and his new best friend isn’t even allowed a dumb phone, so I think in some circles, reduced tech is catching on!

You need to get him involved in an outside activity, having a young baby isn't an excuse for extra gaming and not having time.

I'd rather not stand in a muddy field 3 times a week, however it is important.

3/4 play-dates gaming a month won't help build up social skills.

EmeraldShamrock000 - This is an unfair response.

Unless you’ve been in the same situation, you can’t say what I do or don’t have time for.

I work, I take my older child to 2 after school clubs, have play dates for him every week, and we get out every day to walk the dog and he can bike scoot whatever

On top of the baby, my work, my studying, exercising myself a couple of times a week and keeping the house going and keeping everyone alive clean and fed I have not got any extra time left. If you have lots of spare time for you, that’s wonderful, but I’m stretched thin and doing my best.

Gaming is invariably the result of poor parenting. You can pretend otherwise if it makes you feel better but that’s the truth.

There is so much more to life than sitting playing online games for hours on end.

Not sure I agree with this

I enjoyed playing computer/console games when I was in primary and young secondary school a lot and it wasn’t poor parenting at all, just something I enjoyed

You are right about the hormones OP! We are in the beginnings of those hormone changes and dear god those hormone swings are be brutal!!

I also wanted to add that just because you can't go out anywhere extra because of your situation doesn't mean it has to be extra screen time. It took a while after we implemented our week day screentime back but my DS will now play in the house, he reads alot too and now it is warmer he goes out into the garden to kick a ball around. It did take a few months of constant 'I'm bored' conversations though.

If he's friends make fun of him over not having something or not as much time, I would be inclined to move him away from those friends anyway. They arent really friends if they are doing that.

@NiftyShaker who do you get your broadband through op?
I’m with Sky and pay a couple of £ extra a month for Sky WiFi max. This means I can set time limits on their devices. I also have the power to disconnect their console with the click of a button.
I give DC a 5 minute warning that it’s time to turn it off. If they don’t then I disconnect it, whether they are half way through a game or not.

They know the rules and quite frankly, I’m in charge.
If they don’t like it then they lose access altogether.

My dc are teenage age and I wouldn’t have allowed it at the age of 9 tbh.

Wi-Fi max is a good suggestion thank you, we also have sky so I will look into this.

Definitely look in to it, it’s been 100% worth it.
Especially if you’re busy with the baby, you can just use your phone to get him off it! 😆
They soon get used to the rules and realise they don’t have a choice in the matter. If the bad behaviour continues after boundaries have been set then they don’t get the things they want.

Yes I think definitely we will be going with less screen time even if I can’t entertain him at that point because I’m getting the baby down for a nap for example

We need to go back to being firmer

I’m sure most people who have had a second child will agree, the rules become a bit more relaxed once the new baby arrives for a while

I’m afraid I agree. I have a 10 year old and wouldn’t allow him to play Fortnite at all. From what I’ve heard it’s hard to stop playing and this thread backs this up. Look how so many adults are addicted to games and smartphones - it’s even harder for a child to self regulate.

OP everyone is busy but if you don’t allow him to play it or restrict it heavily then he’ll have to find something else to do. It’s good for kids to be bored, they don’t need the constant stimulation that comes with gaming.

Ridiculous thing to say. It’s a hobby just like any other activity, it just needs to be policed a bit more.

There are plenty of adults who have good jobs in tech, many initially found an interest through gaming!

@CheesePleaseCheese couldnt have said it better myself.

Not all gaming is equal. The games we all played - things like Mario and sonic the hedgehog were nowhere near as addictive and didn’t have the online element. My DS7 enjoys playing a bit of sonic now and then but gets bored of it fairly quickly. There’s another old 90s platform style game that he and I play together sometimes. Again, not an online game and it’s always in the living room when I am there and playing with him.

That’s worlds apart from Fortnite or Roblox or any of the other shite that kids play now.

OP does he not play out with his friends locally? It's getting into better weather, lighter nights, could you encourage him to go and call for a friend to play out?

Justifying gaming because it may lead to a job in tech is one of the more desperate lines of defence I’ve heard.

You only have to read the comments on here to see that most people would rather their kids weren’t into gaming.

Get out of the house, get them involved in a sports team, take them hill walking, go camping, do literally anything other than sitting like a zombie playing pointless games.

We haven’t got the stage where he would go and call for a friend and there is no where to play out except for the park which is a 5 minute walk away and I wouldn’t let him go without me at the moment

I used to go and play in the streets with friends when I was his age but there were kids my age on my street and it was a quiet small culdesac. We live on more of a main road with no kids close by so it’s not possible.

I always find it interesting when people say they don’t want to remove the problematic issue (in this case, the game) because it’ll impact friendships. So inevitably you prioritise the friendships over emotional wellbeing - because that’s what it is, the game is clearly impacting his (and everyone else’s!) emotional wellbeing. I think it’s absolutely right to remove the game for a while, until he demonstrates that he has resilience and ability to self regulate. Sometimes certain games can help build that emotional regulation, but where it clearly doesn’t I think removing and trying a different game (eg fifa) sounds reasonable. It’s not easy and it’s not as black and white as this I do completely appreciate that, and no parent wants to isolate their child or make them a target for unkind comments. But this is part of a wider consideration around his general development and growth - it’s ok and perfectly normal that he’s struggling to self regulate, because he’s just learning. But letting him continue simply to fit in isn’t good enough, in my view. I read OP that you’re thinking of removing the game for a few weeks and I think that’s a great idea, and the removal of one game doesn’t mean the removal of all. Tough love now to benefit him down the line.

I also enjoy some of these pointless games!

Just because it’s not something you like doesn’t mean it’s pointless. I agree it comes with big challenges but it is the world we live in and there is enjoyment to be found it in.

Not everyone wants to go camping, including me!

That doesn’t make me a lesser parent, just a different one.

I’m sorry and I will get flamed for this but this is part of the issue. We are underprotecting kids online and overprotecting them in the real world. At 9 he should be able to go and call for a friend and play out. I’m starting this summer to gradually allow my 7 year old to play out. Granted, there is a park that I can see from my house and there are always kids of all ages playing on it in nice weather but I think it’s important that he starts to get some age appropriate independence

I agree. I couldn’t think of anything more mind numbingly boring than camping.

The world is full of different people who have different interests. And that’s ok.

Ok I appreciate if there's no kids nearby that's a no go - I just generally think parents tend to see playing out as more of a risk, but actually letting them online is just as dangerous and clearly not good for their mental health.

Reading these threads about Fortnite / Roblox etc are eye-opening.
My kids are only 5, so I haven't encountered this yet. But thanks to these threads, it makes me determined to be extra-strict about gaming - following the age-guidance for games, implementing very tight time and access controls, encouraging other activities, perhaps not allowing the games at all, etc.