To want to hear from DH during the day?

[whitth]

He isn’t a surgeon or pilot or anything, but he is away most of the day (7am - 7pm) and sometimes stays overnight. Last night he stayed over and he rang briefly but then all today I’ve heard nothing; no idea when he’s back, even if he’s back.

AIBU to feel he could send me the odd message, just to let me know he’s thinking of me?

I am also out of the house from 7 to 7 on days I'm in the office. Am on train going home right now. I'll contact DH if I need to, eg today we have texted and emailed a few times about things the children need. But I wouldn't just to say I was thinking of him unless he was ill. To be honest I'm not thinking of him particularly. Doesn't mean I don't love him .

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP.

He is your life partner but it sounds as though you are out if sight out of mind as far as he is concerned.

When you say he " sometimes stays over night" is he actually staying at his place of work over night or does he travel and stay in hotels. You make it sound as though he stays away over night out of choice rather than necessity.

YABU. He's not thinking about you during the day - he's working.

It wouldn't bother me tbh.

Why are you being so needy? Dh and I never speak during the work day unless we need to pass information etc

So he has contacted you?
Have you messaged him?
When my DH is working in London, so out from 7-9 I wouldn’t really expect messages in the middle of the working day unless something massively exciting had happened or I’d contacted him. He’s working not just lying about in bed.
Presumably if he isn’t coming home he’ll let you know?

I don’t think YABU tbh. Me and DH text most days. He has a job in front a screen talking to people all day, so what’s one more? I do a hands-on-screen-free job and message him a couple times in the day if I look at my phone. That’s just normal life, my life and his are intertwined and we have 3 kids so therefore I’m always telling him stuff and asking stuff and sending him things that make me think of him. He has just got home from a. Week in the states so didn’t talk to him much, as I was either asleep or busy when he wasn’t and vice versa. So it’s not like we’re codependent.

When I working I only text if I have time-critical info to pass on and only call if someone’s in hospital.

If there’s uncertainty about whether he’s home tonight he should tell you but otherwise I think it’s normal not to be in contact.

I guess because it’s hard work on my own (we have two preschoolers and that is an unintentional drip feed!) So when he’s not here I’m getting them up and sorted and to nursery myself and then the same end of the day or have them all day which as anyone who’s gone the same knows is pretty gruelling! So when I don’t hear from him at all I feel very much like a single parent rather than a parent with a partner who is working away, if that makes sense.

He should let you know when he will be home but otherwise leave him in peace.

I was all ready to say YABU, until you said you don't even know if he's coming home tonight.
YADNBU

But have you checked in with him?? Have you messaged??
When I’m working, then I’m working. I don’t text anyone unless they message me. My DH would respond if I sent a message but otherwise we just get on with our day and catch up later.
We have been married nearly 20 years, and our children are teens now but I don’t remember it being different when the kids were little. DH was away for weeks at a time at that point as well.

You're not anything like a single parent when he sometimes has an overnight stay.

Being a single parent is, from the people I know who have done it, a case of knowing that there is never, ever going to be somebody coming back in twelve hours or tomorrow evening. It's all them, all their responsibility, all the pressure, all of the bills, nobody to tag team or bounce ideas off at 11pm or 6.35pm on Sunday, no respite and no end for the next 18 years.

When I’m in the office or away overnight I check in because I want to know how everyone is but also I know that being home with a 18mo and a 3yo is hard. I don’t think YABU but equally if he has a difficult and stressful job I also get it… could you gently raise it with him without it seeming like an attack? Something like - I know you’re busy but I’m home with the both the kids and even a quick message to check in really cheers me up and makes me feel less like I’m on my own.

eta - do you send him pictures and updates from your day? My DP does this (not loads but the odd picture etc) and I love it!

Sometime in the working day I realise it’s 3pm and I haven’t had time to eat or have a wee. Sometimes I’m in 6 hours of back to back meetings.

If DH wanted checkins for no reason other than to ask how they are I’d be unimpressed. Im at work. I feel like peoples expectations have gotten worse since lockdown when everyone was home.

What a sad marriage that sounds.

DH and I like talking to each other, just because.

YANBU, OP.

Very kindly, I think you are being unreasonable.

I know it’s hard when you’re at home with young DC - I’ve been there, but when you are at work, you are working. I work in an environment where I can’t have my phone with me. Very occasionally, if it’s super urgent, DH might email me but usually the only contact I have is on when we’re on our way home at 6pm to sort dinner.

Yabu with regards to him texting you during the day - he's at work. Regardless of whether or not you have young children.

Yanbu with regards to him not telling you if he is coming home this eve. That's very different.

What do you want him to say?

Unless it's logistics dh and I rarely text, we keep the general chit chat to actual face to face conversations.

I've been away for work since Monday. I did phone DH on Tuesday because the dog needed to go to the vet, otherwise I wouldn't have done.

Why do you need him to phone?

This just seems needy to me. I only message anyone when I have something to actually say - not "good morning" or "love you" or "miss you", that sort of insubstantial nothingy message just annoys me - so even when I'm away for work I can go days without messaging DP. Also because I'm busy working! There's no need to be in constant contact without an actual reason.

That's understandable, can you tell him this, that you just need a little pep text so you don't feel alone in caring for your shared children.
I remember when mine were little, knowing when DH would be home was helpful in managing my stress levels.

@NeverDropYourMooncup but I suppose that is the thing, you know.. And that’s the people who have literally no contact with the other parent which is very sad. But most do have some.

I don’t tend to message him now as he never replies. I used to send him photos of the children but I’ve stopped lately.

I went back to work when DS was one and DH looked after him- I did check in more then, but it was because I wanted to check on DS not DH!

It's not like people dont think about other things during their work data, not to mention you have the commute and breaks as well...