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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to hear from DH during the day?

112 replies

whitth · 03/04/2025 18:07

He isn’t a surgeon or pilot or anything, but he is away most of the day (7am - 7pm) and sometimes stays overnight. Last night he stayed over and he rang briefly but then all today I’ve heard nothing; no idea when he’s back, even if he’s back.

AIBU to feel he could send me the odd message, just to let me know he’s thinking of me?

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 03/04/2025 19:46

It sounds like it isn’t the check-in’s that are the issue, it’s the lack on consideration for you and his failure to let you plan properly.

I don’t really care whether I speak to DP or not in the day, we do a bit and it’s a mixture of odd jokes and logistical discussion. But if he didn’t I wouldn’t really mind. We love one another and I don’t need constant reassurance of this.

But if he was failing to keep me in the loop about things which have an impact on me I would be pretty cheesed off.

ARichtGoodDram · 03/04/2025 19:49

Not letting you know if he will be home or not is simply appallingly bad manners.

Same with not having any contact when you were in the hospital.

I don't expect DH to message multiple times a day when he's working as it's not practical in his line of work, but I expect basic manners. That is not asking too much.

jambunny · 03/04/2025 19:50

I think it’s perfectly normal to have chit chat through the day between partners - not exactly “how are you/is your day going” but more along the lines of “what do you fancy for dinner” or discussing the kids/dog. There’s rarely a day when we don’t have some inane text chat about something.

outerspacepotato · 03/04/2025 19:51

He's working. You want him to interrupt his work to send you messages. About what, the work he's not doing because you're bored or needy? He's not thinking of you, he's at work. Let the poor guy do his work in peace without having to pacify you while he's supposed to be working.

As a single parent myself, you may feel like one but you are not. Stop with the pity party.

Original poster
whitth · 03/04/2025 19:53

It’s funny how people see things differently. There’s definitely a consensus here and fair enough.

Re the hospital, I had to take DS, we ended up being admitted and I was trying to get hold of him but I couldn’t. In the end they let us go. It was very frustrating and scary though.

OP posts:
Original poster
whitth · 03/04/2025 19:53

That was unnecessarily nasty to be honest @outerspacepotato . And he’s definitely not working all day, all evening, all night and the next morning.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 03/04/2025 20:13

Flutterbyby · 03/04/2025 18:45

It's not like people dont think about other things during their work data, not to mention you have the commute and breaks as well...

Show quote history

Depends upon the role, I guess. I figure that the commute is when people are driving or sardined up in a bus or train carriage, so can't use a phone and the last time anybody I know or work with had an hour's lunchbreak with somewhere to sit undisturbed and start texting was about 2007.

In any case, if you text or call during the day, what on earth do you have to talk about when you get home? It's all been said by then.

outerspacepotato · 03/04/2025 20:16

OP is an adult and understands working. Her husband is working long shifts plus OT and she's bored stuck at home. But her boredom isn't his problem and he shouldn't have to soothe her when he's working. She needs to address her feelings with her husband when he's off. In some jobs, it just isn't possible to chat or he might not be in the headspace for chatting.

I have worked 18 hours on and 6 off to sleep and back on more than once and I know a lot of people who pull a ton of overtime for the money. I know a lot of people who get called in before their shift and asked to stay after.

This almost sounds like the thread where the husband was calling the wife at work frequently about nothingburgers like the dog farted.

Ablondiebutagoody · 03/04/2025 20:17

Myself and partner just do our stuff during the day and then catch up when we see each other. "Checking in" throughout the day would annoy me. Very needy.

Moonnstars · 03/04/2025 20:20

whitth · 03/04/2025 19:53

It’s funny how people see things differently. There’s definitely a consensus here and fair enough.

Re the hospital, I had to take DS, we ended up being admitted and I was trying to get hold of him but I couldn’t. In the end they let us go. It was very frustrating and scary though.

See this would be an issue. Why couldn't you get hold of him? If you couldn't contact his mobile can you not call an office number?
What did you do with your other child?
I get him not wanting general chit chat while at work, which is why I wouldn't be calling and messaging him without good reason, therefore if he did spot a message and multiple missed calls from you he would then know it's something serious (and not just a I miss you call).

Reversetail · 03/04/2025 20:25

I think he should be in touch more to support and check in with you, especially while you have such young kids, especially if it’s important to you.

Crazycatlady79 · 03/04/2025 20:25

whitth · 03/04/2025 18:21

I guess because it’s hard work on my own (we have two preschoolers and that is an unintentional drip feed!) So when he’s not here I’m getting them up and sorted and to nursery myself and then the same end of the day or have them all day which as anyone who’s gone the same knows is pretty gruelling! So when I don’t hear from him at all I feel very much like a single parent rather than a parent with a partner who is working away, if that makes sense.

I very much feel you very much do NOT feel like a single parent unless you are actually one! 🙄🤦🏼‍♀️

Iwannakeepondancing · 03/04/2025 20:28

If this isn’t new then not much you can do about it as this is clearly how he is! You can’t force him to think about you!

My DH usually calls at lunch and we text randomly in the day if we need to ask something. This is our normal and if I didn’t hear from him all day I would be worried.

TheoriginalMrsDarcy · 03/04/2025 20:29

When I'm at work or going to/on my way to work, I have my work hat on. Home life is left at the house door. Unless there's an emergency or something I need to tell DH, then I don't tend to message him. And he's the same with me.

You sound a little needy to me.

Beautifulweeds · 03/04/2025 20:35

Me and DH to keep in touch, mostly about how are DC bit also just to do it. Neither of is are needy, just an etiquette to know other is alive I guess. Xx

GooseberryBeret · 03/04/2025 20:40

Not everyone has a job where they get to 3pm and haven’t had time to wee or have lunch, as described by one poster. DH and I text each other pretty much every day about something - either checking in about something boring and practical or sharing something funny or some nice news about the kids or whatever. Exchanging one or two texts doesn’t make us needy or mean we haven’t got anything to talk about after work either!

Just guessing, but I think the lack of adult company might be the bigger issue for OP, and that sense of isolation is exacerbated by feeling that she doesn’t even have that thread of her partner there at the end of the phone to share frustrations or a joke occasionally by text.

Beautifulweeds · 03/04/2025 20:40

There have however been times when I was at work as a teacher so barely any time to message and having no phone signal inside the new building which seem to be made of inpenetrable phone reception. He knew he wouldn't be able to hear from me until I got outside, which could be as late as 8pm. Xx

Ddakji · 03/04/2025 20:44

NeverDropYourMooncup · 03/04/2025 20:13

Depends upon the role, I guess. I figure that the commute is when people are driving or sardined up in a bus or train carriage, so can't use a phone and the last time anybody I know or work with had an hour's lunchbreak with somewhere to sit undisturbed and start texting was about 2007.

In any case, if you text or call during the day, what on earth do you have to talk about when you get home? It's all been said by then.

Show quote history

How sad. I’m never interrupted on my lunch break, I always go out for a walk and ring DH for for a chat, nothing else. We both do it, every day. And still have plenty to talk about in the evening!

I don’t think not even having a lunch break to yourself is anything to be proud of.

Beautifulweeds · 03/04/2025 20:51

No, not everyone has a job where they can't pee/eat without someone to look after their class for a few minutes on wet days so all students stay inside and have to looked after by the teachers. It does happen though and when you have no reception within your building it really is impossible to contact the outside world.
Add on meetings, study classes and parents' evening, it can be 7pm before you've actually been able to see any messages so sat in your car being aware, replying to the most important ones then leaving the rest til you get home after an hour drive. Getting home, be with your own DC, have dinner, then start planning and marking. True story.

If lucky enough to be in a building where you are able to text and have proper breaks, then is no excuse not to keep I touch was my point. Xx

Newtrix · 03/04/2025 21:07

I'm surprised how many people think you're unreasonable @whitth . My Husband works from home and I work 8 hour shifts 4 days a week 9-5. We chat via text frequently throughout the day. Been together 12 years and always been the same.

mambojambodothetango · 03/04/2025 21:13

DH works same pattern and is away a lot. If a day goes by with no contact I'm not too bothered and definitely don't expect it during a working day when I'm going to see him in the evening.

Notmyrealname22 · 03/04/2025 21:14

To be honest, my DH is the contacter in our relationship. It would not occur to me to call or text him during the day if I am at work or out and about. He usually calls towards the end of the day to say hello and see when I will be home. He used to travel for work all the time and he was the one to call. In fact, it used to annoy me as he would call morning and night, usually in the middle of getting the kids ready for school or childcare or during dinner time. I could have easily gone days without calling him if it was up to me.

Some people like to be in touch a lot, others don’t.

Original poster
whitth · 03/04/2025 21:24

I’m definitely not looking for a constant stream of messages and I don’t want him to ‘keep me company in the day.’ But there is an enormous difference between a constant exchange of messages and absolute silence for 48 hours. And whether people like it or not, that DOES make me feel like a single parent.

OP posts:
Tiswa · 03/04/2025 21:27

why isn’t he coming home

Harrysmummy246 · 03/04/2025 21:29

whitth · 03/04/2025 18:07

He isn’t a surgeon or pilot or anything, but he is away most of the day (7am - 7pm) and sometimes stays overnight. Last night he stayed over and he rang briefly but then all today I’ve heard nothing; no idea when he’s back, even if he’s back.

AIBU to feel he could send me the odd message, just to let me know he’s thinking of me?

Presumably he is actually working, and if away, there's stuff to get done while there.
I never expected much from husband during day as he was sometimes in lab with no signal, on calls, in meetings or in the active lab where he couldn't take his phone. Call as he left for dinner prep was customary.