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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to hear from DH during the day?

112 replies

whitth · 03/04/2025 18:07

He isn’t a surgeon or pilot or anything, but he is away most of the day (7am - 7pm) and sometimes stays overnight. Last night he stayed over and he rang briefly but then all today I’ve heard nothing; no idea when he’s back, even if he’s back.

AIBU to feel he could send me the odd message, just to let me know he’s thinking of me?

OP posts:
Original poster
whitth · 03/04/2025 18:45

And I guess what I’d like him to say is how are you, how’s DS, how’s DD, how was work, did you manage OK this morning, did DD sleep OK, those sorts of things.

A few weeks ago we had to go to hospital and it was horrible not having any contact from him at all when we were there. The nurses kept asking why no one could drop off the things we needed!

OP posts:
Moonnstars · 03/04/2025 18:47

If you know he works 7-7 I wouldn't expect to hear from him during that time unless something came up/he knew something was happening to check in on. I would expect him to message or call to say if he wasn't coming home. I would assume (and probably ask on the call if he said he wasn't coming home whether he would then be home at the usual time of 7/8 the next day or if he would be earlier). I don't think it's unreasonable for him to not be in contact throughout the day. What do you do when at home? You say the children go to nursery? Do you then work or are you at home?

Xmasbaby11 · 03/04/2025 18:47

You need to just say you’d like to hear from him even if it’s just details about when he’s coming back. It’s nice to have some communication and 12 hours is a long day with preschoolers.

I I don’t think either of you is wrong, just different, but you can certainly expect more - if you ask him - since he’s not flat out.

Mingenious · 03/04/2025 18:47

Dh and I barely speak to each other in the work day or if either of us is doing something else. We tend to send each other pictures of our food and communicate about the kids but nothing else really

Mrsttcno1 · 03/04/2025 18:48

It depends really. I don’t message my husband during my work day unless I have something time sensitive to tell him & vice versa, we both have busy jobs which can be quite stressful, I’m not particularly thinking of him when I’m at work and nor do I imagine he is thinking of me- we’re busy!

Original poster
whitth · 03/04/2025 18:49

I work but part time @Moonnstars . So he went to work yesterday morning and he’s supposed to be back tonight. I was at work yesterday but off today. Although being at home is harder work at the moment!

OP posts:
AluckyEllie · 03/04/2025 18:49

I think you are being a bit needy tbh. My husband works away two nights a week and we also have two preschoolers. I know what day he’ll be home and I don’t expect to hear from him. He’s busy travelling/working and then socialising in the evening. Those two evenings are his break from the kids and unless I need him I don’t contact him. If I did he would very quickly reply so it’s not him being irresponsible. And yes he does then give me an evening off when he’s home!

TabloidFootprints · 03/04/2025 18:49

whitth · 03/04/2025 18:45

And I guess what I’d like him to say is how are you, how’s DS, how’s DD, how was work, did you manage OK this morning, did DD sleep OK, those sorts of things.

A few weeks ago we had to go to hospital and it was horrible not having any contact from him at all when we were there. The nurses kept asking why no one could drop off the things we needed!

Ok, well that's clearly different isn't it. Obviously he should be in contact if you are in hospital, which I assume he knew

Rosie8880 · 03/04/2025 18:52

whitth · 03/04/2025 18:21

I guess because it’s hard work on my own (we have two preschoolers and that is an unintentional drip feed!) So when he’s not here I’m getting them up and sorted and to nursery myself and then the same end of the day or have them all day which as anyone who’s gone the same knows is pretty gruelling! So when I don’t hear from him at all I feel very much like a single parent rather than a parent with a partner who is working away, if that makes sense.

It really makes sense. You are doing the heavy lifting at home as he is in his employment. I tend to feel if my partner tells me and shares that they would like to hear a little more from me during the day at work, and if I can, I don’t feel this is unreasonable. You are at home all alone as an adult and I am sure your partner has pressures of work and is also the sole earner which is also a heavy load to bear, alone. It sounds like, when the two of you are able to, face to face, when you are relaxed just have a chat about how things are. Let him know how you are feeling and how a little message once or twice across the 12 hours he is away from you would make the difference to you. If he’s feelng stressed he may get defensive so take it easy. FWIW, when I commute I am out at 6am back often at 8/9pm. At times when too much I stay overnight too. On the commute back I love to message and talk on WhatsApp to my other half - it’s a pleasure. But. We are all different X

Moonnstars · 03/04/2025 18:52

whitth · 03/04/2025 18:49

I work but part time @Moonnstars . So he went to work yesterday morning and he’s supposed to be back tonight. I was at work yesterday but off today. Although being at home is harder work at the moment!

Are the children at nursery when you are at home? What does your day look like? I am guessing it's when you are feeling lonely you would like him to message, but as he's at work he isn't really going to be thinking of you and the kids. Do you have friends to meet up with and take the children out? Playgroups?

Also regarding the hospital did you not ring him when there? I assume this wasn't a routine appointment. This I do find strange that if your child was rushed to hospital he didn't tell work so he could at least come and take the other child home (as I assume you would have had to have taken the well child with you along with the poorly child which is not ideal for you or the hospital).

Keepgettingolder81 · 03/04/2025 18:54

I work 13 hour shift as a nurse. I don’t text my husband to say I’m thinking about him, because I’m usually too busy!

I would definitely find it an ick if he turned around and asked me to stop my working day to tell him I was thinking about him. It’s a bit clingy…..

Rosie8880 · 03/04/2025 18:56

It sounds like you need of support too. As well as your other half, have you pals in your area or that you can chat to you on the regular to share and download how you feel? My pal when she had her first child a lil while ago really felt alone and needed to have adult conversations - to share the daily ups and downs, the little things. After all it is the little things that actually are the glue of the relationship. As pals we chatted with her and let her blow off steam, shared what was happening wtc. Also, it sounds like if you don’t - maybe schedule in a date night once a month with your other half - to keep that connection going btw the two of you X

RisingSunn · 03/04/2025 18:58

YANBU…A simple text of “I hope you and the children are having a good day?” Costs nothing and goes a long way.

I’m sure all of those who say they are so busy - make time out to scroll on their phones in their lunch break.

Beebeedoo · 03/04/2025 18:59

Wouldnt bother me at all

Yourmywifenow · 03/04/2025 19:03

If I talked or even texted my DH during the day, we would have nothing to tell each other when home🫣.
But I always had a rough idea when he was due home.
When I’m at work I get irritated by texts unless is important.
But if it’s important to you he should make an effort especially for someone you love.

Jeezitneverends · 03/04/2025 19:03

DearBee · 03/04/2025 18:32

What a sad marriage that sounds.

DH and I like talking to each other, just because.

YANBU, OP.

Show quote history

Why sad? We started our working lives pre mobile phones..when I’m at work, I work…we have our breaks at different times.We chat plenty in the evenings

PullTheBricksDown · 03/04/2025 19:10

whitth · 03/04/2025 18:45

And I guess what I’d like him to say is how are you, how’s DS, how’s DD, how was work, did you manage OK this morning, did DD sleep OK, those sorts of things.

A few weeks ago we had to go to hospital and it was horrible not having any contact from him at all when we were there. The nurses kept asking why no one could drop off the things we needed!

I don't think this is unreasonable. Most people can actually use their phones at work so intermittent messages would be nice. DH text quite a lot during the day with jokes, photos etc though if one of us is super busy we'll say so and crack on.

The hospital situation is very different though. Did you message to tell him you'd had to go to hospital and just got no reply? I'd have been ringing his work land line and saying I needed to speak to him in that case.

Jabberwok · 03/04/2025 19:10

Christ when did feel they had to talk even if they have nothing to say. How did your grandparents manage...and yer great grandparents with grandad in Burma cut off from the world for 5 years?

MferMonsterSearchingForRedemption · 03/04/2025 19:13

I don't think it matters much what other posters think.

It's important to you, and that's ok. If your husband knows that it means something to you then I think he should make every effort to send you a brief message occasionally.

There is always a few seconds to send a message- I manage it when I need to and my work is full on with back to back appointments, but there is always a free minute to send a message at some point in the day.

It's not needy to want a brief message from your husband who works long hours and travels a lot. It just lets you know that they are thinking of you.

On MN you will get people telling you that they go days without messaging their partners, and if it works for them, great. It's not wrong to want different.

JoyousEagle · 03/04/2025 19:22

I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable to want to know if he’s going to come home that night.

saraclara · 03/04/2025 19:26

It would never have occurred to me to message my late husband during the working day. Work is work and that's what you focus on. If he'd asked me to message just so he knew I was thinking of him, I'd have wondered what was the matter with him. I'd find that incredibly needy.

The only thing I find unreasonable from your husband is that he doesn't bother telling you if he's going to be home or not. That's basic consideration. You need a conversation about that. When you message him to ask that, does he just not bother answering?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 03/04/2025 19:31

whitth · 03/04/2025 18:45

And I guess what I’d like him to say is how are you, how’s DS, how’s DD, how was work, did you manage OK this morning, did DD sleep OK, those sorts of things.

A few weeks ago we had to go to hospital and it was horrible not having any contact from him at all when we were there. The nurses kept asking why no one could drop off the things we needed!

Did he know you were in hospital??

Lots of patients don't have people on hand to bring stuff!

faerietales · 03/04/2025 19:35

It would honestly never occur to me to text DH during the day unless I had to tell him something, lol.

AngryBookworm · 03/04/2025 19:39

Two factors that made me click YANBU: two small children and the fact he doesn't ever reply. You can bet he has breaks - he should use those to reply to practical stuff for sure. Same with telling you when he'll be home if that isn't certain. I expect that from my partner and we don't have kids.

In terms of the more emotional stuff, is it that he just doesn't show affection through that kind of thing? This is both harder to change, and more of a case for compromise. If you're lonely during the day (totally fair!) are there other people you could text or perhaps see? Or could you get comfortable with him not initiating messages but agreeing to reply on one of his breaks?

It also sounds like you're taking on the bulk of the child-rearing, which is a very different kind of imbalance and one you may want to renegotiate or get some more help with, if you have the resources to. If not, maybe he can have a limit on overnight stays or do more at weekends?

Zanzara · 03/04/2025 19:44

whitth · 03/04/2025 18:21

I guess because it’s hard work on my own (we have two preschoolers and that is an unintentional drip feed!) So when he’s not here I’m getting them up and sorted and to nursery myself and then the same end of the day or have them all day which as anyone who’s gone the same knows is pretty gruelling! So when I don’t hear from him at all I feel very much like a single parent rather than a parent with a partner who is working away, if that makes sense.

As somebody whose husband was abroad all week every week for thirty years, and where I sometimes couldn't keep up with what country he was in day to day, this sounds ridiculously self indulgent. I worked full time in a professional career.

I appreciate I am an extreme case, but you presumably chose to have these children. It gets easier, get a grip.