Brother’s Wedding Would You Say Something?

[GutsyPeachExpert]

Brother announced that he and SiL were getting married in September. She wasn’t even there when he told my mother. They didn’t have engagement or a big fanfare or anything.

When they have been asked about the wedding he never knows the answer but she is more forthcoming.

Once Dad asked for a lift with something but brother said he wasn’t free as they were looking at venues so that was the only hint we got.

We have now got formal wedding invitations through the post and my two little girls 6 and 4 aren’t invited.

My mother immediately rang him as she thought it was an oversite but it is a child free wedding. My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule. However, he said they already had two flower girls from SiL’s side. We have never heard her even speak about these children.

I am so upset. I can accept logically the flower girl thing but for them not to be even there!

I don’t want a debate on children at weddings I want to know if I would be unreasonable to speak to my brother about how upset I am and to ask that they be invited.

Just to point out, as I don't think anyone else has yet, church weddings are public events, you cannot stop people attending.

Not that I am advocating OP takes this course of action, but @GutsyPeachExpert if you really wanted to see your brother actually get married, rather than simply enjoy a good party afterwards, all 4 of you can do that. If you are considering that, your DH should be prepared to take your DCs out if they are crying or otherwise disturbing the service.

I can understand why you feel hurt and are taking it personally, but I think that they haven't put much thought into how parents would feel about this. I had kids at my wedding because some people had young babies and would have missed it, but my baby DD was the only one to make a fuss in the church! I think that weddings can be boring for young children, especially if there are only a couple there, without any others to play with. There's a lot of hanging around.

My sister eloped to avoid all my family drama and she had the best day cause of it!

Look, they can include or exclude whoever they like but he should stop bullshitting his family about it being a childfree wedding when the truth is that they want other children there but not his DNs.

And they need to accept the consequences their decision has for the family relationship.

If you don’t know who the jerk is in this situation …. It’s probably you.

Blimey!! It's just one day!! and you've been invited to celebrate your brothers Wedding. You have babysitters.
Go and enjoy the day and celebrate or throw the most almighty strop and probably ruin your relationship with your brother for ever.

Why does she need to speak about her nieces to prove wether they can be flower girls or not.

DONT call him about it. Jeez. Your mum has already done it. Leave it.

sort childcare or don’t go. You don’t harrass someone into inviting your kids to their child free wedding. It’s really not on.

So it wasn't "child-free" then was it!! I'm all for doing weddings your own way, but to be honest saying it's child free when it clearly isn't is absolutely ridiculous, it's not child free if you are having children there, you just don't want other peoples children there, so just say that, and say "we're having family children only, or immediate family children only"

That is what causes offence, because you are quite obviously picking and choosing the children you do and don't want there, but you think it will be less offensive if you pretend you aren't having children there at all.

We eloped 10 years for the same reason, drama on both sides. Have yet to hear the end of it 😂There's no winning sometimes

Just because it's 'their' day, doesn't give them through right to be a45e holes.
They are his niece's, and weddings are about family.

I have never known of a child free wedding to not include the children of close family.

I suspect there is far more to this than meets the eye, but on the face of it, I would politely decline. No explanation needed, the reason would be obvious to most.

This.

See my sister knew not to tell us until after, and as her sibling I understood and would do the same 😂😂

I agree, he perhaps should be honest, but looking at the tears and drama, he probably tried to be tactful in the hope to avoid this.
And no, it’s not necessary to have flower girls or Paige boys at a wedding, but it’s their wedding. I don’t believe that a bride and groom should alter what they want at their own wedding for anyone if they don’t want to.
Guests can politely decline, even family guests. The bottom line is, it’s the bride and grooms day.

It’s unfortunate that the OP is upset, but it seems to me that it is a child free wedding with the exception of the wedding party. The OP’s children aren’t in the wedding party, so aren’t invited, perhaps along with several other guests children.

OP I’m sorry you’ve had a hard time on here. YANBU. I have no issue with childfree weddings and have in fact chosen not to take mine to weddings when they have been invited. When it’s family though and you know there are other children going I’d be hurt.

I’m pretty stubborn. I either wouldn’t go altogether or go alone for the ceremony and meal, and wait for people to ask where your DH and tell them the truth that your children weren’t invited as it’s child free whilst pointing out the other children that are there. Don’t beg for an invite or even mention it to your brother again. I wouldn’t want a pity invite.

Most people do explain that ahead of time. You say, unfortunately we don’t have room for children baring children of immediate family.

We didn't tell anyone for years 😂We've accepted we will never be forgiven. MIL is still mentally planning the 500 person wedding of her dreams

Not really, no

A 9 year old can entertain themselves much more and is easy to keep quiet. They are less likely to be running around screaming, crying etc

They can be trusted more around breakables and valuables too

In my experience, one person's "tactful" is another person's "avoidant", which can enrage the other more than anything else. Sometimes knowing that you've been snubbed but not knowing why and having the other person pretend you haven't been snubbed at all is worse than them just telling you why you've been snubbed.

There are no child guests.

I’m pretty stubborn. I either wouldn’t go altogether or go alone for the ceremony and meal, and wait for people to ask where your DH and tell them the truth that your children weren’t invited as it’s child free whilst pointing out the other children that are there.

Why not just shit on the floor, wipe your arse on the bride’s train and have done with it?

There are at least three child guests if you read the thread.

Except this couple would have to say barring a few children we particularly like, not immediate family. My son wouldn’t go if his sister wasn’t invited, that’s treating my children like props.

I have a 9yo, he can’t sit still and can’t trust him with breakables. There are plenty like that.

I would be crestfallen, OP. I’d look my brother square in the eyes and say “you destroyed my family’s lives. I will never forgive you. You’re NOTHING to me.”

There is a lot of bizarre hatred for the OP on this thread.

I have a new theory which is that the OP's "children" are actually dogs - their "fur babies" in fact. The church doesn't allow dogs and the venue is pet-free but still the OP and her OH are obsessed with Florence the Pom and Fifi the Shih Tzu being all dressed up in little costumes and following her brother down the aisle. The DBro knows that his sister is bonkers but is trying to tactfully pacify her by claiming the wedding is (mostly) "child"-free so the OP doesn't get too upset at the absence of her fur babies. Whereas in fact there are 28 children in attendance, but "oh, we had to invite him, he's our cleaner's son and we gave him chocolate once" and "oh she's the daughter of our friend's new partner visiting from the US so we felt bad excluding her".