Brother’s Wedding Would You Say Something?

[GutsyPeachExpert]

Brother announced that he and SiL were getting married in September. She wasn’t even there when he told my mother. They didn’t have engagement or a big fanfare or anything.

When they have been asked about the wedding he never knows the answer but she is more forthcoming.

Once Dad asked for a lift with something but brother said he wasn’t free as they were looking at venues so that was the only hint we got.

We have now got formal wedding invitations through the post and my two little girls 6 and 4 aren’t invited.

My mother immediately rang him as she thought it was an oversite but it is a child free wedding. My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule. However, he said they already had two flower girls from SiL’s side. We have never heard her even speak about these children.

I am so upset. I can accept logically the flower girl thing but for them not to be even there!

I don’t want a debate on children at weddings I want to know if I would be unreasonable to speak to my brother about how upset I am and to ask that they be invited.

They aren’t obliged to justify their guest list. Clearly they aren’t interested in having very young children at the event. Ages 6 and 9 are not comparable.

Can’t blame brother for avoiding his own selfish, entitled, overly dramatic family. He’d probably enjoy the day more if they do stay home.

Just wow at your update, OP. I imagine your parents are rethinking their plan to give £10,000 towards this wedding.

GIVE IT UP! You will be causing untold stress to the couple getting married and you can’t even explain why it’s so important to you.
Do the decent thing and LET THIS GO!

I suppose it depends on the personalities involved, some people wouldn’t mind. They were obviously wrong about the OP and the parents.

I think the damage is already done. Even if they change their mind now, it’s only because they’ve been pressured into it. It’ll be a hollow victory for the OP and resentment from the bride and groom.

Their wedding is child free apart from the wedding party which the OP’s girls were not asked to join.
Her brother picked a boy to join the male side of the wedding party. You cannot pick a girl for that role by definition.

I understand why she is a bit hurt but the bride & groom have made their decision. They have offered the photos as a compromise. The standing outside the church thing suggests that the brother is worried about noise/behaviour. Which is generally part of why people don’t invite children to weddings.

Taking this any further risks causing long term resentment. Please OP don’t do it. You can’t rationalise it, so just leave it. This is what they want it’s is their day.

Your husband and mother getting worked up is unhelpful and unnecessary.

It's not child free.

The suitability of the venue doesn't magically change just because a child is a member of the wedding party. It's either suitable for children or it's not.

The bride and groom have chosen to exclude the OP's children from not only the wedding party but the wedding itself, in favour of other children who are more distantly related.

Of course that's going to cause hurt.

@GutsyPeachExpert could it be that your dc are not well behaved enough and the bride suspects disruption?

If they are such arseholes, he’s probably better off without them attending.

Given the offer for the kids to be outside the church, clearly the brother knows something about the nieces’ behaviour that we don’t. His adamant stance makes that clear.

Give it up.

Clearly. They have made their choice and are willing to withstand the fallout. In OP’s shoes I’d have a long hard look at my kids and myself.

I’d say you and your Mum should calm down. You seem to think the day will be ruined without your children there. You are both making a fuss about this which will never be forgotten by your brother and his partner. Would you even want to bring your children now anyway, knowing that you had to beg for an invitation for them ?

Grow up, either accept or decline your own invitation, apologise for the fuss you’ve caused in the last few days and move on.

This is part of the reason I wouldn’t have a wedding. All the “I want, I want” and so and so has to be there.

Apparently my mum has been crying and said something about photos. My brother has actually said the girls can wait outside the church and we can have some photos taken! I haven’t replied.

I am speechless!

I'm speechless too. Speechless that you can’t recognise that your brother has come up with this frankly loopy idea because your mother is piling on the emotional blackmail. It’s shameful.

Honestly, I just wouldn't go.

At least you accept that you’re being irrational.

Be honest, is all this drama really worth it? The way your mum has responded is already embarrassing enough.

If that's the case and he doesn't want to say, "We don't think Rebecca and Jemima will behave well at the wedding", why not just have an actual child free wedding? It's not necessary to have flower girls or page boys at all.

Making it up as you go along now.

4 year olds go to school! They are not temper tantrumming the whole time at that age. Well mine weren’t!. My DD was a bridesmaid at age 4. No issues whatsoever. We had a lovely day and she enjoyed posing the photos with all the older bridesmaids. I even had my 2 year old at the time with me and not a peep of trouble the whole day.

the second time she was a bridesmaid she was 7 with her 4 year old and 3 year old cousins along side her. Again all parents were there and absolutely no drama whatsoever.

To be fair, OP, when I got married, I had my cousin's DD as a flower girl. Just a toddler, but an absolutely lovely child, very well-behaved, her parents are completely on point, she is and always has been a total joy. Somewhat of a people-pleaser, perhaps, but that's a very good quality in a flower girl or bridesmaid.

If I got married again, I would definitely invite her to be a bridesmaid... early teens, just so nice, lovely and helpful in every way.

Whereas I look at my own two horrors thumping each other and I'm not sure they'd even make the guest list for mine and DH's wedding, if we were getting married now, let alone anyone else's 😂.

They're just not... pliable. Some kids are, some kids aren't.

The last wedding we took our older one to had a crèche and the bride took great care to inform us of all the details in advance.

Why should they exclude kids they want there because of the kids they don't want there?

Just wow at your update, OP. I imagine your parents are rethinking their plan to give £10,000 towards this wedding.

Yeah! “We bought our say - and we’ll damn well have it even if it ruins the entire thing!”

Maybe she can swap them or do an exchange?

A reception age child vs a year 4 child is a big difference regardless of if yours personally acts up.

We had a child free wedding- that obviously did not include the children of siblings - our nephews and nieces.

I feel for you. I am close to my siblings though, as is DH - so to us it would just be unthinkable.

I just wouldn't go.

Gosh, you all sound so entitled. First you are annoyed it's child free, unless it's your wedding it's not up to you. Second, you expected YOUR in laws to be invited. Third you're all crying over it and saying you don't wanna see other kids be the flower girls. If I was your brother I'd be uninviting you all. Ridiculous entitlement. Either have a child free night and go, or don't. Based off of how you all sound I'm sure he'd be relieved to not have the dramatics attached to HIS day.