Page 33 | Brother’s Wedding Would You Say Something?

Stravaig · 03/04/2025 07:41

YourSnugHazelTraybake · 03/04/2025 00:13

My brother had a childfree wedding. It was a quite small wedding and my (adult) son wasn't invited either. The bride had one flower girl from her side of the family. Personally I had no problem going and celebrating with them as it was about them , not me. Quite frankly you and your mum sound pathetic, wailing and sobbing about your kids not being invited is ridiculous. As is your dad and husbands behaviour. Your dad not wanting to go to his own sons wedding because grandchildren aren't invited makes it blatantly obvious where your brother fits in to the family dynamic. It's very clear that you are the golden child, and hopefully your brother can break free of the toxicity and have a happy life without your family drama and emotional blackmail.

Yes, I'm tending toward brother and fiancée bravely hoping to steer a new course, well away from a dysfunctional and damaging family dynamic. In which case, it's quite the gesture of diplomacy to have any invited any of OP's side. I'd be eloping!

GravyBoatWars · 03/04/2025 07:46

My brother had a child free wedding but my two daughters were flower girls and were still invited. Because him and SIL love them. They were the only children there. I would have been really hurt if they hadn’t been invited to be honest.

So it's ok for the bride and groom to pick the two children they're closest to as flower girls and make an exception for them and then have them be the only child there... what if that's exactly what they've done? There seem to be a lot of people on this thread (including OP) who think that it's perfectly ok to have a child-free wedding while making a couple of specific exceptions for flower-girls, but for some reason that's only ok to do if OP's two children are the exceptions. If OP's children are among the ones not invited while two other family members are selected as the exceptions then it's a heinous act.

TwigletsAndRadishes · 03/04/2025 07:48

My brother not discussing the wedding is typical of him generally not because he thought we would make his wedding about us which we aren’t, we just want two well behaved children included as there are two other children invited.

As I said, childen with active roles in the wedding party don't count. If everyone took the same view as you then they'd have to make exceptions for everyone's children. Surely you can see that? It's a slippery slope. I think couples who want child free weddings make a rod for their own backs, frankly. It causes so many issues and arguments I have to wonder if it's worth the hassle to insist on it.

CantStopMoving · 03/04/2025 07:50

slashlover · 03/04/2025 07:33

People are saying they are close family relations etc when we have no idea if that's true. Sharing a bloodline doesn't automatically mean closeness, I suggest people read the Stately Homes thread.

In which case, their wedding, their choice- why invite your family at all? Why invite people who you don’t want to be there?

Isthisreasonable · 03/04/2025 07:56

As it's not an entirely child-free wedding and your dc are close relatives I think you need to have an honest think about your dc. Given your parent's reaction and your DH's do your dc become the focus of every event they attend? Are they attention seeking/loud/confident in their own opinions and pleased to share those opinions?

If so I can see why the B&G might want to exclude them so that their day doesn't revolve around your dc.

On the other hand, if your parents would be focused on making sure that their DS + DIL have a great day, and your dc would be quiet and well behaved then that would be hurtful and colour your relationship going forward.

From your posts it seems like the former might be the reason.

slashlover · 03/04/2025 07:56

CantStopMoving · 03/04/2025 07:50

In which case, their wedding, their choice- why invite your family at all? Why invite people who you don’t want to be there?

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Because people can be closer to some family members than others, he grew up with his parents and sibling, that doesn't mean he's close to his sibling's children.

I have cousins I'm super close with and cousins I wouldn't recognise if I walked past them in the street. I'm close to my sister, I don't really know her step kids that well due to various reasons.

Edit - Also, social obligation - you MUST invite your sister etc. Imagine the tantrums if he didn't.

LittleCharlotte · 03/04/2025 07:58

Ignore the cruel responses on here. People on this forum seem to enjoy sticking the knife in. I totally understand your upset. I wouldn't ask for anything, but I would say to your brother how you're feeling. An explanation might help you feel better. You don't sound entitled by the way, you just sound human. X

CantStopMoving · 03/04/2025 08:02

slashlover · 03/04/2025 07:56

Because people can be closer to some family members than others, he grew up with his parents and sibling, that doesn't mean he's close to his sibling's children.

I have cousins I'm super close with and cousins I wouldn't recognise if I walked past them in the street. I'm close to my sister, I don't really know her step kids that well due to various reasons.

Edit - Also, social obligation - you MUST invite your sister etc. Imagine the tantrums if he didn't.

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So it is isn’t their wedding, their choice if social obligation involved?

slashlover · 03/04/2025 08:05

CantStopMoving · 03/04/2025 08:02

So it is isn’t their wedding, their choice if social obligation involved?

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They are choosing to invite OP and her parents. Their reasoning might be social obligation or for a quiet life or because they actually want them there, but they are still CHOOSING to invite them.

UndermyShoeJoe · 03/04/2025 08:14

slashlover · 03/04/2025 07:56

Because people can be closer to some family members than others, he grew up with his parents and sibling, that doesn't mean he's close to his sibling's children.

I have cousins I'm super close with and cousins I wouldn't recognise if I walked past them in the street. I'm close to my sister, I don't really know her step kids that well due to various reasons.

Edit - Also, social obligation - you MUST invite your sister etc. Imagine the tantrums if he didn't.

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Dh wasn’t fussed about going to his sisters wedding but his parents demanded we came back from holiday early for it. Our holiday was booked first as well. Fortunately that wedding did not go ahead 😅

I don’t understand the whole I couldn’t possibly without my niece/nephew thing. Why not…

Snugglemonkey · 03/04/2025 08:52

This is not a childfree wedding. They chose not to invite yours. I wouldn't attend, wouldn't reply, would literally ignore the wedding if my brother did that to me. But then, my family would never do a child free wedding.

OutandAboutMum1821 · 03/04/2025 08:53

UndermyShoeJoe · 03/04/2025 08:14

Dh wasn’t fussed about going to his sisters wedding but his parents demanded we came back from holiday early for it. Our holiday was booked first as well. Fortunately that wedding did not go ahead 😅

I don’t understand the whole I couldn’t possibly without my niece/nephew thing. Why not…

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So for me, the ‘why not’ would partly be because our mother is the only grandparent we have alive out of a possible 4, and the only person I trust to look after our children for that length of time, who of course would be at the wedding herself! And before anyone starts with why can’t any Tom, Dick or Harry babysit your kids, that is out of the question for me given my sister being a victim of a horrendous crime as a child herself, I am very particular about who cares for my children, especially overnight. People need to stop being judgmental about why some parents don’t use any old babysitter as there can be horrendous reasons why.

SocialSecAgain · 03/04/2025 08:54

miraxxx · 03/04/2025 03:39

I am so glad that Asians dont have this utterly selfish attitude to weddings. Weddings are very much for the wider family and community and includes the children. That is pretty true for all cultures except the recent innovation of the insta child-free weddings some western brides seem enamoured of. Dont pontificate on what people have lost sight of!

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I find it fascinating in some western cultures now where the focus is so much on the nuclear family. I find it claustrophobic and intense to read about. You often see it when people have their babies. There is such a push for no family to enter the house to see the newborn baby for weeks at a time.

I find it so strange and joyless. And then people wonder why further down the line, grandparents and aunties and uncles are not falling over themselves to be involved. It’s a loss.

Of course many families can be toxic and there are very good reasons for them not to be involved. But the bog-standard, imperfect but well intentioned family? Why you would not want to include them in your life fully? It feels like a shame.

With each barrier you put in the way, you are distancing yourself a bit. People should remember that.

Livpool · 03/04/2025 08:55

SocialSecAgain · 03/04/2025 08:54

I find it fascinating in some western cultures now where the focus is so much on the nuclear family. I find it claustrophobic and intense to read about. You often see it when people have their babies. There is such a push for no family to enter the house to see the newborn baby for weeks at a time.

I find it so strange and joyless. And then people wonder why further down the line, grandparents and aunties and uncles are not falling over themselves to be involved. It’s a loss.

Of course many families can be toxic and there are very good reasons for them not to be involved. But the bog-standard, imperfect but well intentioned family? Why you would not want to include them in your life fully? It feels like a shame.

With each barrier you put in the way, you are distancing yourself a bit. People should remember that.

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I am from the UK and completely agree with you

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 03/04/2025 08:59

Livpool · 03/04/2025 08:55

I am from the UK and completely agree with you

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Same. The only "family members" (and I am using that term VERY loosely) who didn't get an invitation to our wedding were the boyfriends and girlfriends of much younger cousins, who I had never met. And even then, if they'd been the boyfriends or girlfriends of guests who would otherwise have been attending alone rather than with their parents and siblings, we'd have invited them as plus ones.

HellDorado · 03/04/2025 09:31

OutandAboutMum1821 · 03/04/2025 08:53

So for me, the ‘why not’ would partly be because our mother is the only grandparent we have alive out of a possible 4, and the only person I trust to look after our children for that length of time, who of course would be at the wedding herself! And before anyone starts with why can’t any Tom, Dick or Harry babysit your kids, that is out of the question for me given my sister being a victim of a horrendous crime as a child herself, I am very particular about who cares for my children, especially overnight. People need to stop being judgmental about why some parents don’t use any old babysitter as there can be horrendous reasons why.

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Well of course everyone’s circumstances differ. But OP isn’t being asked to leave her children with “any Tom, Dick or Harry”. She herself has confirmed her PILs could have the children.

HellDorado · 03/04/2025 09:38

Your brother sounds like he is a weak man, without a backbone. I actually wouldn't want anything to do with that sort of person.
He's been cagey from the start about his wedding because he knew it would cause upset. He doesn't want to confront this. Otherwise, it would have been upfront.

Is he weak with no backbone? Or is he actually standing up for himself against a family who expect to dictate how he announces his engagement, be involved in the choice of venue and invite their in-laws, regardless of his or his fiancée’s preference? And that’s all BEFORE you get to them trying to dictate that family children should be included in a child free wedding AND be given a role in the bridal party!

I’m surprised (or am I?) at how many posters don’t see the irony at insisting the brother must be a weak man being manipulated by a controlling woman because he won’t let his mother and sister have the wedding they want.

Sunshineclouds123 · 03/04/2025 09:45

GutsyPeachExpert · 02/04/2025 11:05

Brother announced that he and SiL were getting married in September. She wasn’t even there when he told my mother. They didn’t have engagement or a big fanfare or anything.

When they have been asked about the wedding he never knows the answer but she is more forthcoming.

Once Dad asked for a lift with something but brother said he wasn’t free as they were looking at venues so that was the only hint we got.

We have now got formal wedding invitations through the post and my two little girls 6 and 4 aren’t invited.

My mother immediately rang him as she thought it was an oversite but it is a child free wedding. My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule. However, he said they already had two flower girls from SiL’s side. We have never heard her even speak about these children.

I am so upset. I can accept logically the flower girl thing but for them not to be even there!

I don’t want a debate on children at weddings I want to know if I would be unreasonable to speak to my brother about how upset I am and to ask that they be invited.

To answer as simply as possible you are not being unreasonable to feel slightly upset HOWEVER you are coming across as very entitled, slightly childish and risk damaging your relationship with your brother and future SIL, you do understand that your brother will always put his wifes wants and needs before your own? Which is how it should be of course, but you are running a dangerous narrative in that you are possibly suggesting that your future SIL is behind all of this? Your brother, if he 100% wanted your children there would have told his future wife this. I would not say anything, I would swallow my pride and attend my brothers big day because I love him. I was perhaps the opposite of your SIL and brother snd wanted all of my DH’s family to play important roles in our wedding, this was disasterous for me and I ended up resenting their over involvement and entitlement. Please be careful not to come across as such now and in future.

ScribblingPixie · 03/04/2025 09:46

I’m surprised (or am I?) at how many posters don’t see the irony at insisting the brother must be a weak man being manipulated by a controlling woman because he won’t let his mother and sister have the wedding they want.

The father and BIL are equally upset.

MargaretThursday · 03/04/2025 10:20

CantStopMoving · 03/04/2025 07:11

Again, you have no idea. You don’t know them. You are making massive leaps of reasoning on the family dynamics. They are all upset as the son is doing something hurtful. You might not think it is hurtful, but many people on this thread agree with the OP.

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No, I don't know them.

But I do know if he'd been the golden child, as you suggested, that his parents would not care that OP was having a strop about her DC not being flower girls.
They certainly wouldn't be in tears and not wanting to go; they'd have not cared about the op's feelings.

HellDorado · 03/04/2025 10:28

ScribblingPixie · 03/04/2025 09:46

I’m surprised (or am I?) at how many posters don’t see the irony at insisting the brother must be a weak man being manipulated by a controlling woman because he won’t let his mother and sister have the wedding they want.

The father and BIL are equally upset.

The point still stands. Several posters have blamed the bride for pushing the groom’s family out, insisting she only cares about what she wants - but don’t seem to have considered that the groom might actually feel like his family are the ones pushing for control. The OP even admits that she thinks that’s why her brother kept quiet.

CantStopMoving · 03/04/2025 10:29

MargaretThursday · 03/04/2025 10:20

No, I don't know them.

But I do know if he'd been the golden child, as you suggested, that his parents would not care that OP was having a strop about her DC not being flower girls.
They certainly wouldn't be in tears and not wanting to go; they'd have not cared about the op's feelings.

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Don’t be ridiculous. Lots of people have come on this thread to say that they would be hurt and upset about this. There is no ‘golden child’ in most families. Just people who try to love and support each other. The OP didn’t throw a strop. She’s upset as her brother has made it clear to her he doesn’t consider her children close family. If he did he would have wanted them to be flower girls as a representative from his side of the family alongside the bride’s choice. It isn’t like it a big deal to have the OP’s children. 4 flower girls instead of 2. The children could then go to Pil after the service if he didn’t want them at the adult do.

HuffleMyPuffle · 03/04/2025 10:36

I don't think you DO like your SIL...

The way you've talked about her and her role in the wedding is rather dismissive and shows your disapproval.

You think they should have had an engagement party and been more "flashy" with it, she should have been there when DB told DM and think you should know everyone she is close to!

Bride chooses her flower girls. Your children don't get an automatic role in the BRIDE'S party just because your DB is the groom.

You are coming across as overdramatic.

HuffleMyPuffle · 03/04/2025 10:42

CantStopMoving · 03/04/2025 10:29

Don’t be ridiculous. Lots of people have come on this thread to say that they would be hurt and upset about this. There is no ‘golden child’ in most families. Just people who try to love and support each other. The OP didn’t throw a strop. She’s upset as her brother has made it clear to her he doesn’t consider her children close family. If he did he would have wanted them to be flower girls as a representative from his side of the family alongside the bride’s choice. It isn’t like it a big deal to have the OP’s children. 4 flower girls instead of 2. The children could then go to Pil after the service if he didn’t want them at the adult do.

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2 more young children under the age of 5 (assuming the other 2 flower girls are young too) is a LOT more! They will need watching, someone on standby with them, more of them to decide they don't want to, to start crying etc...

Flower girls are the bride's party and don't need to "represent" the groom at all

Acting like it means he doesn't care about his nieces because he's having a child free wedding is over dramatic

AliciaSoo · 03/04/2025 11:00

GutsyPeachExpert · 02/04/2025 11:05

Brother announced that he and SiL were getting married in September. She wasn’t even there when he told my mother. They didn’t have engagement or a big fanfare or anything.

When they have been asked about the wedding he never knows the answer but she is more forthcoming.

Once Dad asked for a lift with something but brother said he wasn’t free as they were looking at venues so that was the only hint we got.

We have now got formal wedding invitations through the post and my two little girls 6 and 4 aren’t invited.

My mother immediately rang him as she thought it was an oversite but it is a child free wedding. My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule. However, he said they already had two flower girls from SiL’s side. We have never heard her even speak about these children.

I am so upset. I can accept logically the flower girl thing but for them not to be even there!

I don’t want a debate on children at weddings I want to know if I would be unreasonable to speak to my brother about how upset I am and to ask that they be invited.

I'd be absolutely shocked, upset and fuming.
People have to Separate guests children and family's children. Completely different.
Children are part of our families. Children loves weddings.
Jeez when my 5 yo knew he wasn't invited to a wedding he was so upset (we made it up for him) but he genuinely loves weddings, family affairs, being happy, music and dance.
And he could just not understand why little boys a d Girls weren't invited...
But completely different topic of conversation (apologies I deviated)...
There are two flower girls already invited, but your own two kids aren't allowed to go?
I would be having a serious conversation with your brother, tell him the truth, you wanted to celebrate as a family with him, and he's playing with the feelings of his two nieces and their future relationship uncle/niece.
If he doesn't understand that that I'm sorry OP, but he's not worth to be called an uncle.
In this scenario, I'd consider not going, or if going, going in my own, to the actual ceremony and then FO.
And go and celebrate with your DH and your two beautiful little girls and show them how to be happy and loved within your family. Don't let them feel they aren't worth an invite ❤️