Brother’s Wedding Would You Say Something?

[GutsyPeachExpert]

Brother announced that he and SiL were getting married in September. She wasn’t even there when he told my mother. They didn’t have engagement or a big fanfare or anything.

When they have been asked about the wedding he never knows the answer but she is more forthcoming.

Once Dad asked for a lift with something but brother said he wasn’t free as they were looking at venues so that was the only hint we got.

We have now got formal wedding invitations through the post and my two little girls 6 and 4 aren’t invited.

My mother immediately rang him as she thought it was an oversite but it is a child free wedding. My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule. However, he said they already had two flower girls from SiL’s side. We have never heard her even speak about these children.

I am so upset. I can accept logically the flower girl thing but for them not to be even there!

I don’t want a debate on children at weddings I want to know if I would be unreasonable to speak to my brother about how upset I am and to ask that they be invited.

Most children are good, and it's the environment or unreasonable expectations that can be unhelpful.

Seriously, why???

They are small children who wouldn’t recall the event. They probably barely understand the concept of weddings and marriages. They would be fine with their other grandparents for a night.

This is about the emotional dysfunction of the parents, not the kids. Can’t give up one opportunity to make it all about themselves.

How is he weak? I take it you’re assuming that this must be down to his fiancée, as opposed to a decision he’s made?

That he hasn’t rolled over in the face of his mother and sister’s objections would suggest doesn’t particularly suggest someone incapable of holding their position.

The level of OTT drama and entitlement from the OP, her husband and her mother - didn’t her dad also say he wasn’t going to go now?! 🤣 bloody hell.

Elements of my family are dramatic and dysfunctional but just under the level of histrionic fortunately. I can’t imagine my parents getting that involved or threatening to not attend bc my kids weren’t invited to my brothers wedding. They wouldn’t be happy about it, but I think they’d accept it was his and his partner’s day.

Does your brother and SIL have any kind of a relationship with your kids, OP? Do they see them regularly or is it just once or twice a year, in which case they won’t have the same bond and connection as many ppl on here saying they can’t believe they’d contemplate excluding them.

If you have a remote relationship with your brother then view it as HER thing, and try to take a step back. It doesn’t sound like you have a particularly close relationship with her, if you do, I’m sure you’d have had the discussion with her or she’d have given you the reasons herself. If she feels an outsider to your family she would feel no loyalty to you and your kids or compulsion to spare feelings and invite them to keep the peace. If they don’t see much of you now it probably won’t affect them whether they see you or not going forward. Selfish, possibly, heartbreaking for you if you want more than that - absolutely - and I totally understand one-sided sibling relationships, believe me.

I really like the concept a PP said of weddings being about uniting and celebrating two families - that’s absolutely what they should be about. But if your brother has chosen this woman and she doesn’t want to be part of your family beyond being married to him there’s not a lot you can do about it. You can’t force ppl to care or want to spend time with you.

If this will really upset your girls then don’t go. If they aren’t that bothered and it’s more of an issue for you and your husband, I don’t think it’s likely you’ll go anyway. Your parents reactions aren’t helping things and you all may be seeing considerably less of your DB and his future family after the wedding unless this is resolved.

Side note - I’m surprised your husband is as bothered as he is by this. No one likes seeing their kids unhappy, but children have got to learn that life isn’t always fair and need to be taught how to become resilient to disappointment. His reaction made me think of the parent who rings in to complain their kid doesn’t have the starring role in a school show or hasn’t been invited to little so and so’s small birthday party. He’s probably feeding your emotions and resentment and in turn you are your parents.

It’s possible you may have been in denial over your brother’s attitude towards your overall family and this has brought into focus that he really isn’t that bothered and is and will be prioritising his soon to be wife. It may be better for everyone’s MH and well being to accept this, sad as it is, and take a step back.

I am so glad that Asians dont have this utterly selfish attitude to weddings. Weddings are very much for the wider family and community and includes the children. That is pretty true for all cultures except the recent innovation of the insta child-free weddings some western brides seem enamoured of. Dont pontificate on what people have lost sight of!

I wouldnt be too proud of Asian weddings which are great if you marry the way your parents and wider community tell you too, there is good and bad in all weddings of each culture but no I would not have rose tinted glasses over Asian weddings

As sad as it is that they can not go . I would just accept the choice your db and sil have made.
It's just one day, you don't want to fall out over this .

This.

But it’s not a child free wedding is it ? Sounds like a bridezilla- not including his family in the planning, not even announcing the wedding together. Him not telling his sister her children are not invited . The bride to be is telling his family they do not matter. I’d send a reply saying that sadly you can’t make it, hope your wedding is everything you wish for and good luck for the future. Takes a real level of thoughtlessness to not invite the children of your sister but invite two unrelated kids to be flower girls

It makes sense that the bride has chosen flower girls from her side, rather than her fiance's side. I'd think that normal.

I don't think it's a snub not to involve family in the planning though. We didn't involve anyone except ourselves in the planning of our wedding. We weren't snubbing anyone and I don't think anyone expected to be asked to be involved. We also paid for it all ourselves though, so maybe different if family are contributing that you'd ask their opinions.

It’s normal to be upset the DC aren’t invited. Your DB should have told you all upfront instead of sending out invites without their names on. That said, not going I think is a bit much. Though my ex once missed the ceremony part of his DB’s wedding because it was the first game of the season. I was invited, and the DC, but on condition we pretended we weren’t with ex DP (the community didn’t know their son was with a white woman!). I declined, no-one fell out. I wasn’t even shocked at the conditions of my invite.

Why is this all the bride's fault? OP's brother is the one who isn't communicating with his own family (which OP says is standard for him), and the bride is perfectly reasonable to pick flower girls from her own family for her bridal party.

My parents would have made an enormous fuss if I’d not invited my niece and nephew to my child free wedding, they would have tried emotional blackmail and to grind me down.

This is partly the reason I didn’t want them there, the wedding would have become all about them, it wouldn’t have been a celebration of my marriage but my niece and nephews day!

In the end I eloped to avoid this drama, I often wonder if that’s part of the reason behind some child free weddings.

You can tell by the fuss some people kick up when their kids aren’t invited that they were hoping their kids would be the stars of the show, the fact OP wanted them to be flower girls confirms it for me.

It's the same in my culture too. They're big, happy events, everyone gets invited. They're sometimes a bit chaotic and not insta friendly, but such warm and happy days.

Crikey you’re unreasonable. It’s his wedding!

I mean I think the problem is your brother tbh. You and you mother, rightly or wrongly, have some set ideas about what should happen at his wedding - not uncommon or outrageous imo; but your brother doesn’t share them. I bet he is someone who coasts along in life rather than proactive.. I would stay civil with him but when I saw him next I would ask again if the girls can participate.. if they say no, I’d probably consider not going to the wedding. It’s extreme but he’s caused the situation and I understand why you are upset! He sounds like one of the men who parasites off family whilst women do the connections and keep it all together. I bet he’s crap at birthdays aswell and generally doesn’t meet the standards in some family situations!

Or the son is the golden child, always doing what he wants at the expense of his sister who is always pushed to the side? Maybe the family are fed up that their son always prioritises the bride’s side? Who knows? You are inferring a ridiculous narrative about the brother doing something, which most people, would feel mildly hurtful at best, even if they just shrug their shoulders and accept it.

That's a huge reach.
If the son was the golden child then why is mum is hysterics and dad refusing to go? That adds up as badly as Trump's tariffs.

Far more likely op is the golden child and bro has decided for once her and her dc won't be centre of attention on his day.

Again, you have no idea. You don’t know them. You are making massive leaps of reasoning on the family dynamics. They are all upset as the son is doing something hurtful. You might not think it is hurtful, but many people on this thread agree with the OP.

Selfish and thoughtless. Your children are near family not some random children. I would go to the wedding, let your husband look after the kids, stay for the service and then leave. If it is far away then you need to think carefully. What you do here will impact your future relationship with DB and DSIL. Though they haven't given much thought to you.

I personally had a child free wedding BUT included my 2 nephews! I couldn’t imagine the day without them. They were both 2 or nearly 2 on my wedding day and we included them. I am all for child free weddings but think if they invite one then they have to invite others and where does it stop 🤷🏼‍♀️

Have an honest conversation with your brother and if they still aren’t invited you have to respect their decision and make a choice following that.

I can see why you are hurt as I would be too. Rationally you can see why but emotionally it hurts.

My brother had a child free wedding but my two daughters were flower girls and were still invited. Because him and SIL love them. They were the only children there. I would have been really hurt if they hadn’t been invited to be honest.

People are saying they are close family relations etc when we have no idea if that's true. Sharing a bloodline doesn't automatically mean closeness, I suggest people read the Stately Homes thread.

You RSVP'd to your brother's wedding and then a few days before, after they'd have paid for your meal and done seating plans etc, you 'realised you just couldn't go without your children'? That was manipulative of you.

Look, I personally don't understand this obsession with child-free weddings and I think it's particularly mad to exclude children who are closely related to the bride and groom, but I accept that it's very much a thing these days. She has a right to choose whichever flower girls she likes. It's the bride's perogative and she's not obliged to choose your DDs just because she's marrying your brother. Obviously the caveat to 'child-free' weddings is that it usually means 'except the bride and groom's own children, if they have any, and/or except any bridesmaids and page boys. Children in the bridal party don't count.

There is no point in trying to negotiate with them over this. Either go alone or don't go, but don't make a huge song and dance over it. Their decision is made and if you make this a hill to die on you are going to end up with such a bad atmosphere between you all that you won't want to go to the wedding anyway, by the time it comes around.

It's up to you to decide whether to accept the invitation as it is, without complaining, or to say 'thanks but we are unable to attend without the girls.'

DO NOT get into a spat over her choice of flower girls.