Brother’s Wedding Would You Say Something?

[GutsyPeachExpert]

Brother announced that he and SiL were getting married in September. She wasn’t even there when he told my mother. They didn’t have engagement or a big fanfare or anything.

When they have been asked about the wedding he never knows the answer but she is more forthcoming.

Once Dad asked for a lift with something but brother said he wasn’t free as they were looking at venues so that was the only hint we got.

We have now got formal wedding invitations through the post and my two little girls 6 and 4 aren’t invited.

My mother immediately rang him as she thought it was an oversite but it is a child free wedding. My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule. However, he said they already had two flower girls from SiL’s side. We have never heard her even speak about these children.

I am so upset. I can accept logically the flower girl thing but for them not to be even there!

I don’t want a debate on children at weddings I want to know if I would be unreasonable to speak to my brother about how upset I am and to ask that they be invited.

People have to Separate guests children and family's children. Completely different.

Why do they "have to"?

Jeez when my 5 yo knew he wasn't invited to a wedding he was so upset (we made it up for him) but he genuinely loves weddings, family affairs, being happy, music and dance.
And he could just not understand why little boys a d Girls weren't invited...

Your 5 year old couldn't understand that some events are only for adults?

I would be having a serious conversation with your brother, tell him the truth, you wanted to celebrate as a family with him, and he's playing with the feelings of his two nieces and their future relationship uncle/niece.

But she doesn't want to celebrate as a family, they're basically saying "invite my kids or you don't have your father, mother, sister or BIL at your wedding". At that point I'd be happy you weren't going and would be going no contact.

Um... You were the one who suggested that the brother was the golden child. I was pointing that didn't fit any of the evidence given.

I totally agree that in most families there's no golden child.

But I do think not being able to stop crying does constitute throwing a strop, whether you're under 5yo or not.

Not at all in regards to his other half. It isn't always about the evil woman. He wasn't according to the op being forth coming with his wedding plans. Usually that's when you'd say it was a kid free wedding or whatever. Not wait until they send out the invites. The op isn't a family friend but a direct relative.

He probably knew it would result in weeping, wailing, tantrumming, manipulation, ultimatums etc and wanted nothing to do with it.

Well said.

Pretty poor parenting to mention the wedding to your child at all before you knew whether he was actually invited. That upset is on YOU.

What? Not to mention his uncle getting married?!

Also, not sure what kind of parenting you do practice but we do not lie to our children.
And if we were going to a wedding we would be saying otherwise to our kids, We'd be telling the truth.

I agree there's no need for lies and secrets, but its common sense not to get kids excited about anything that isn’t set in stone. My brother is getting married soon. There was no great discussion with the kids before plans were made. Possibly mentioned in passing. Kids that age likely wouldn't notice or care that they didn't attend. It's only a big deal if OP made a big deal out of it.

if you think an open discussion over a meal face to face is an ambush then I can tell your someone who isn’t into honest communication. What do you do? Passive-aggressive comments? Angry WhatsApp messages? Cold shoulder?

Whoever said ‘breezily write a formal reply of no we can’t come cos childcare etc’
the hypocrisy! In one breath you’re saying what a huge day it should be for family unity & celebration for all yet in the next you’re dismissing his wedding as nothing other than another gathering. Very manipulative.

Here's what you said

if you want practical advice- ask your parents to stay out of it for the time being and invite DB and SIL to a nice evening meal at your house where you can start the evening by mentioning the situation, be honest and say you wouldn’t be able to come if the kids weren’t invited. Would they consider inviting them since there will be other children there.
if they say no then you know where you stand with them once and for all.

To me this means that you don't tell them beforehand that the entire reason for inviting them is to discuss the situation and try to convince them to invite the kids. Instead you wait until they have arrived and then start by confronting them "mentioning the situation" which is the opposite of honest communication and, yes, an ambush.

What would I do? Ask them to neutral ground with full knowledge of what you to discuss.

Unless I misconstrued what you wrote?

I have been with DH for a decade, just after my female cousin got married. I got married two years later and my parents with a contribution from my in-laws, paid for our wedding.

There was a row with my male cousin (who incidentally is my brother’s best man) when he asked my aunt and uncle for the same amount of money given to his sister. To avoid this kind of row my parents gave my brother what they had spent on my wedding. I did not know this until last night. That is how he bought his first flat

My parents were going to give both of us £10,000 to celebrate this wedding.

Another aunt has phoned my parents. Their 9 year old grandson has been invited to go to the wedding as a Godson and to wear the same suit etc as the ushers, presumably to look as if he is in the wedding party. They will go off in a camper van for photos. This nine year old has a four year old sister who is not invited. Apparently cousin will invite my brother out for a pint to ask about his daughter.

My brother has texted me this morning. Essentially saying they were getting married at x venue that isn’t suitable for children. Really?

Apparently my mum has been crying and said something about photos. My brother has actually said the girls can wait outside the church and we can have some photos taken! I haven’t replied.

I am speechless!

I'd be tempted to reply, "How is the venue not suitable for my two children but suitable for 9 year old nephew and the two flower girls? If you just don't want my children there for some reason then at least be honest enough to say so, rather than pretending that it is a child free wedding when other children are invited. And now you want me to dress my girls up and have them stand outside for photos but explain to them that they must leave straight afterwards because they're not invited to any of the actual wedding? Really?"

Don’t go to this wedding OP 🥲

Probably take their first answer.

They've made their decision, his mother's asked, now his sisters going to ask...

This. If it’s not suitable for children, it’s not suitable for children.

I don't know why you posted everything about the money as it's irrelevant, unless it's a way for your parents to hold it over him to get their way because her constant tears aren't working?

You brother is going to go no contact over your family's tantrums and I wouldn't blame him if he uninvited you all.

Feel really sorry for your Mum as well, who sounds like she’s done her best to treat you both fairly, has been very generous with money and clearly cares about you both and you all spending time together 🥲

So are your kids meant to stand outside the church by themselves or are you meant to be out there supervising them 😂?

It sounds like even if you go, you might not get to see your brother get married.

I think I'd reply something like "Inviting as all this sounds, dear bro, we think we'll give it a miss since the kids would probably enjoy soft play more. All our love and looking forward to seeing the photos. We'll send you some of our DC dressed up so you can photoshop them in to make our mother happy."

And now you want me to dress my girls up and have them stand outside for photos but explain to them that they must leave straight afterwards because they're not invited to any of the actual wedding? Really?"

He clearly doesn't actually want that but his parents, sister, BIL and now cousin are moaning and crying so he's trying to get them to stop.

OP, he CLEARLY doesn't want your kids there and wont change his mind. Go or don't go, I doubt he really cares at this point.

Are your children ill-behaved? He must have his reasons.

Oh not this again. Of course that is upsetting and incredibly selfish of your brother. In real life that would be a truly shocking deal breaker for a relationship breakdown between siblings, however on mumsnet which is basically an alternate uppsey daisy, topsy-turvy universe you are the one being totally selfish and should have no feelings whatsoever regarding your children being rejected by their uncle and soon to be aunt.

If you're looking for reasons, the other possibility is that they're not photogenic?

Look how their parents and grandparents react to being told no...