Brother’s Wedding Would You Say Something?

[GutsyPeachExpert]

Brother announced that he and SiL were getting married in September. She wasn’t even there when he told my mother. They didn’t have engagement or a big fanfare or anything.

When they have been asked about the wedding he never knows the answer but she is more forthcoming.

Once Dad asked for a lift with something but brother said he wasn’t free as they were looking at venues so that was the only hint we got.

We have now got formal wedding invitations through the post and my two little girls 6 and 4 aren’t invited.

My mother immediately rang him as she thought it was an oversite but it is a child free wedding. My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule. However, he said they already had two flower girls from SiL’s side. We have never heard her even speak about these children.

I am so upset. I can accept logically the flower girl thing but for them not to be even there!

I don’t want a debate on children at weddings I want to know if I would be unreasonable to speak to my brother about how upset I am and to ask that they be invited.

Get childcare and go.

of course they can choose to have a child free wedding, people do it all the time.

Why don’t you ask if the children can just come to the ceremony and be picked up or dropped off to a baby sitter from the meal onwards?

That’s what we did at DH’s brother’s wedding -it was great! We had some nice family photos and the kids got dressed up. But they were carted off for the boring sit down meal and speeches. Your children won’t care about whether they are flower girls or not, it’s only adults that care about that stuff.

🤣🤣🤣

I've been to lots of child free weddings where the closest family (children of the bride and groom or neices and nephews) were there- that just seems normal. I'd be incredibly hurt if I was you op and I think you need to tell your brother how you feel.

I wouldn't bring up the fact that your daughters aren't flower girls- while it seems sensible it's ultimately the brides choice who she has for that.

We ended up having no children at our wedding but it wasn’t a rule and didn’t start off as a childfree wedding. But as we didn’t get married until our mid thirties most of our friends had two or more children and partners/spouses by this point (which really bumps up the numbers/takes up spaces and escalates costs).

We decided to ask our closest friends with children whether or not we should invite their DC before we decided who to invite as day time numbers were limited at our venue. it was a unanimous no definitely don’t invite them. We then asked everyone else and they all said the same so it worked. We also didn’t have any nieces or nephews at the time as we are both the oldest in our families (so no one to offend or upset).

OP I really can’t understand the thinking behind your brother and SIL’s decision not to invite your girls but it is up to them and the decision was made by both of them.

Ultimately it’s their wedding and they can do what they want. Whether you like it or agree is a different matter. You’re an adult, you can deal with it how you see fit but if you kick up a fuss you also have to deal with the consequences. I was a bridesmaid at a child free wedding and the bride (my friend obviously) fell out with her cousin over it and haven’t seen each other since.

I love kids, but they do not need to be invited to every occasion. It is perfectly ok for two children to be told "Uncle X and Auntie Y are only inviting grown up guests to their wedding. Let's plan a wonderful day for you and [favorite sitter/relative on the other side] while we're gone".

Having two flower girls at the ceremony is not the same as inviting children as guests - I remember being a flower girl at multiple weddings and I never attended anything but the ceremony... after we did our job we headed off with a sitter or relative from the other side of the family and that was that because the party was for grown ups. OP, if your brother said "to make it fair, your DDs can come watch the ceremony [in which girls from the bride's side of the family will be part of the bridal party, not them] and then leave would that actually improve anything whatsoever? I don't see that as being better.

You mean their interpretation?

Our DC were flower girl and page boy for BIL and SIL and they went to the wedding and they were the only non adults who were invited to the wedding.

If they hadn’t been invited DH would have had to go on his own as we had no sitters.

Well quite.

Because traditionally 'the true meaning of weddings and families' isn't the teary emotionfest that poster means, the purpose of a wedding was to solidify power, money and status. Nothing to do with sentiment at all. No grans were crying over who was a flower girl, back in the day.

Your brother sounds like he is a weak man, without a backbone. I actually wouldn't want anything to do with that sort of person.

He's been cagey from the start about his wedding because he knew it would cause upset. He doesn't want to confront this. Otherwise, it would have been upfront.

While I understand wanting a child free wedding. Every wedding ive been to including my own was child free with siblings children being the exception. It's direct family. Not some random second cousins twice removed.

I completely understand why you and your parents are feeling hurt. Personally, for me, I wouldn't attend and would distance myself and my family from them. They don't deserve to have you in their lives. They want you to be family conditionally and when it suits them. It's a no from from me

Look , nobody despises child free wedding as much as me but it’s their wedding and they have every right to pick who they wish to pick .
Clearly they didn’t what to involve your side if the family or they assumed you guys didn’t what to be involved .
I am currently planning my wedding and despite my finances family being the only ones close enough to the venue , they showed very little interest .
If you really don’t want to leave your children you have a choice not to go but don’t create a massive thing as you will probably end up creating a family feud . Good luck and from a personal perspective I would never not invite my nephews and nieces , they are a massive part of my life .

My brother chose a no children wedding which I completely understand totally their choice,they have no children. But a few days before the wedding I realised I just couldn’t go without my children -a teen, 2 year old and 5year old and also my partner would have to stay home to mind them. My brother said he couldn’t get married without me there so said bring the children ( they are good children anyway) I said my partner could take them outside into the grounds during the service . Anyway we arrive and see a child of about 9 who is flower girl?! The brides best friends daughter so just what was it all about I have no clue but I wasn’t amused. By the way my children behaved impeccably!

Will they not grow up to see the photos and ask where they were?

I doubt it. When did you last look at your uncle’s wedding photos?

• *Oh what a shame you weren't amused. I would think most people think their children are good.

I really hate child free weddings, personally. But it's their wedding, so they are entitled to do whatever they want. You can ask them to change their minds, but it probably won't go down well and you'll need to accept the fact that they'll probably say no. And that's their prerogative.

It's an invitation and not a summons. You don't have to go without your kids if you don't want to. I guess you'll just need to think about the likely impact of not going on future relationships etc. You may decide to suck it up and go without your kids for the greater good, or you may not.

I missed an important family wedding when dd was little because she wasn't invited and because we had no other childcare. We'd also have had to leave her in a different country from us, which I wasn't prepared to contemplate. I made no fuss but politely declined and explained that I couldn't make it. Didn't state the reason but my mum was aware.

I discovered 15 years later that it had actually caused a massive family row which I was completely oblivious to at the time. I understand that there was great regret later on the part of the family member who was getting married. But we never talk about it now and carry on as usual otherwise. The family member was apparently shocked that I didn't attend, but eventually recognised that it was the result of their own decisions.

So do what you want to do. Go or don't go, as you see fit. But I wouldn't start demanding that they change their plans if I were you.

You’re behaving like a spoilt child OP stop stamping your feet, you can’t have what you want .. just accept it and grow up.
You need to stop now, or your family is in for a massive row and you will ruin your brothers day, is that what you really want?

They do not sound entitled to me. They sound like people trying to make sense of brother’s actions.

The sad thing is that the damage is done, you won't feel the same about your brother after this. But as your mother's already pleaded unsuccessfully for her grandchildren to be invited, I'd either suck it up or decline without a fuss. You don't want to be seen as the cause of a big family row. Better for everybody to be quietly disappointed with him.

You are so upset that you have nothing to lose by speaking directly to your brother. He should be involving his parents in a discussion with himself about his wedding. That is what a normal respectful son would do.

If your parents have an otherwise terrible relationship with their son it is not odd that his family is being treated badly.

if you normally have a close relationship with your brother feel free to meet with him and explain how you feel about every aspect. Your DH is right to be offended.

I think childfree weddings are shite. I didn't even like children all that much when we got married but I still included children!!

The likelihood when you get married is that you will go on to have children, so why you would exclude them I have no idea! I don't know what the hell it is about children that they don't get invited??

I'd tell your brother to stick his invitation up his arse. They are being pretentious and utterly irrational. Let them get on with it.

My brother had a childfree wedding. It was a quite small wedding and my (adult) son wasn't invited either. The bride had one flower girl from her side of the family. Personally I had no problem going and celebrating with them as it was about them , not me. Quite frankly you and your mum sound pathetic, wailing and sobbing about your kids not being invited is ridiculous. As is your dad and husbands behaviour. Your dad not wanting to go to his own sons wedding because grandchildren aren't invited makes it blatantly obvious where your brother fits in to the family dynamic. It's very clear that you are the golden child, and hopefully your brother can break free of the toxicity and have a happy life without your family drama and emotional blackmail.

It's the exclusion of close family members, ie nieces that's the issue here. I've travelled with my kids to attend a childless wedding though it was for friends not my brother. I would be upset if my children do not witness at least part of the ceremony of their uncle's wedding.

I am really sorry that what should be joyous news has left your family with such heart breaking upset.

i d feel similarly if this was my brother.

My daughter wasn’t invited to my husband’s brother’s wedding despite being the only child in the immediate family on either side. It was a no child wedding and that meant NO child. It wouldn’t have been for me but it was their wedding so my parents looked after her. It isn’t a slight against you or your children. It’s a no child wedding.