Brother’s Wedding Would You Say Something?

[GutsyPeachExpert]

Brother announced that he and SiL were getting married in September. She wasn’t even there when he told my mother. They didn’t have engagement or a big fanfare or anything.

When they have been asked about the wedding he never knows the answer but she is more forthcoming.

Once Dad asked for a lift with something but brother said he wasn’t free as they were looking at venues so that was the only hint we got.

We have now got formal wedding invitations through the post and my two little girls 6 and 4 aren’t invited.

My mother immediately rang him as she thought it was an oversite but it is a child free wedding. My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule. However, he said they already had two flower girls from SiL’s side. We have never heard her even speak about these children.

I am so upset. I can accept logically the flower girl thing but for them not to be even there!

I don’t want a debate on children at weddings I want to know if I would be unreasonable to speak to my brother about how upset I am and to ask that they be invited.

I'm not inviting any nieces and nephews to our wedding. (Age range 8 - 1). I think it is fairly common to have childfree weddings with the exception of any kids in the bridal party!

I think your first few paragraphs are irrelevant to be honest. You seem to be giving him not having a big engagement as a background story but sure what about it!? He's entitled to have the proposal, engagement, and wedding he wants.

I would be upset if a sibling did this to my kids, I would turn down any invitation given by a sibling that didn’t include my kids. I was brought up that weddings were family occasions and everyone went.

Totally respect that things change and some couples now do prefer child free weddings which is their choice, but definitely not for me.

Is this some weird mumsnet rule? Utterly ridiculous!

My dad has 5 younger brothers, I was bridesmaid for the 4 who are married. If it was bride's family only, I'd never have been a bridesmaid.

I can't understand why you'd exclude your nieces but invite some other children.

What OTT syndrome? It’s reasonable to be upset when your brother cuts you pjt of any wedding plans and also cuts his nieces out but his bride has he nieces at the wedding. If you can’t see what is wrong with that then that’s fine. Everyone makes their decisions and live with the consequences.

Weddings are family celebrations not a separate need for the perfect instagram worth wedding. It’s a celebration of two families coming together but you think fine to start by cutting people out? I can understand if there is history which we don’t know.

So expecting to be included in your loved ones wedding is not me me me, it’s actually more about celebrating as a family. No one is going to give a shit about how good or perfect or imperfect your wedding was after they leave and it will have no bearing whatsoever on how happy or not your actual marriage is.

This would piss me off too as it’s clearly NOT a child free wedding if they are having flower girls from her side.

Totally agree.
Anyone that says we had/are having a child free wedding except for.......isn't having/didn't have a child free wedding.

My friends DD sent our invites saying while we love DC the only ones in attendance on the day will be our immediate family's DC as flower girls/page boys attending.

It absolutely is.

Very plainly put but you (and your dh,dm,df) are making this all about yourselves and it isn’t about you. It’s their day, their way. If you don’t like it/cant make it work don’t go but don’t rain on their parade.

Weddings are whatever the couple want them to mean, I'm not sure why that's so incomprehensible to you? You can assert that they're inherently about joining families all you like; doesn't make it any more true or relevant.

The meaning of "family" is also highly individual, of course. It's pretty myopic to assume the dynamic you're familiar with applies to others.

You and your mother need to get a grip! Yes, it’s reasonable to be annoyed, but crying?

It blows my mind that brides and grooms run roughshod over family and friends in the name of "their day". By all means they can have the wedding they want but ultimately the bride and groom are not entitled to dictate how others may feel and react about it.

The fact the so many others agree with DB and SIL is a sad indication of the egoistic society we live in.

If they treat family and friends like crap for the sake of one day, they need to be willing to accept the hurt they cause. Bell ends.

Put on your big girl panties and grow up. Not your wedding not your choice!!!. One of my biggest peevs as a wedding planner is families who try to guilt trip or muscle in on what the B&G want for THEIR day. Don't go if you dont want to but don't force your wants and opinions on them.

My Nana and Great-Nana would definitely have cried about this, as they actually understood and valued the true meaning of weddings and families, you cry when it actually means something to you.

Just go or don't go. All the crying is a bit over the top, and I'm not a fan of childfree weddings. Just accept their choice and make yours. I didn't go to weddings where my children weren't invited when they were young (all far from home). At your children's ages, with babysitters available, I'd go if it was more local.

My approach was to decline due to childcare issues (which it genuinely was), then the ball is in their court.

I wouldn't say anything, at least not until things are much calmer, or at least worked through the feelings a lot more.

Norms vary widely. I don't recognise the groom's side/bride's side thing many are talking about as their norm or the childfree weddings others are describing as normal in their circles, but I get the appeal and why they're norms in some places.

Everyone makes their own choices. Once you've gone through your feelings, you can make yours clear-headed. It may be worth at that time discussing with your brother how he sees things going after he's married, how much time he expects to have with you and the rest of the family. That matters more than one day of a wedding.

Another thought- honestly would parents on here commenting that they wouldn’t be bothered, they have every right not to invite them, etc genuinely be happy in the future if one of their own children did this to their sibling’s future children?

My husband and I eloped and fully recommend it to our kids. None of our siblings nor our only nephew at the time even knew about it until at least weeks later. It was the best choice for us and for the time - we married young and knew people would give us shit, it was a bit harder to do that after (also, much easier to do on a tiny budget).

I have two siblings and none of us were invited to the weddings of the others, and certainly not the others' kids. I didn't feel disrespected by it - we just all lived very different lives quite far apart, and we all had very small weddings - possibly in part because we grew up with the norm of everyone possible being invited, expected to perform a role, and we all really hated it. I remember the last whole family wedding we were all at, and we spent much of it miserable - it wasn't the lovely joining of families, it was playing a part without our input.

And that’s the saddest part really, modern families are increasingly more distant and value friends over their own family

Modern families? This isn't new. My family tree is full of people who moved far away from their families for a new life, for love, for friends, for opportunities -- many never seeing or hearing from their kin again. I have more options than my ancestors, but it doesn't mean we're that different.

For me, what's sad is overly focusing on the wedding, as if not being part of the wedding means not wanting someone to be part of their lives. The wedding is one day (or a few days, depending on traditions and practices), it's the start, but not the end all and be all of what the couple's married life is going to be.

You mean as opposed to family riding roughshod over the wishes over the people whose wedding it actually is?

“How dare you think your wedding is about you! Your wedding is about what your family wants it to be!”

As if that isn’t an indication of egoism.

I think it's a bit off, not necessarily about having a child free wedding, but the fact that some children are invited, whilst the groom's own nieces aren't.

If possible, as it's your brother, I'd still go or you'll never hear the end of it, but maybe your dh could stay at home with your dc. You are under no obligation to stay until the end.

Not to the people who are having their wedding the way they want it.

Oh well if it is for you, I guess.

Let the menfolk deal with it. Get your dad and hubbie to speak to your brother. Let him then speak to his wife. All this emotional labour will be lifted. Brother can make some rules at his own wedding. Then calm down a bit. Its a disappointment and thats good for kids to deal with.

@EmeraldShamrock000

'Personally I have never been to a child free wedding'

Glad I'm not the only one. I don't know when this childfree wedding stuff started, or why it did.
It used to be that everyone in the two families was invited..At my wedding the youngest guest was 3 and the oldest 92. A wedding was a family affair, i suppose, and not just about the bride and groom.
Oh well, attitudes change but it is a pity in some ways.

I had this exact issue. I asked if my children could come for the photographs with parents, grannies etc all dressed up as it is an Important family event. They agreed to that. I sent my children home after the photos as seeing adults drunk is not a good influence for them and it can be a little boring for kids. No costs as regards food were involved and it was a good balance all round ( I also had a child free wedding on my own wedding)

A cry, maybe, but it said her and her mother can't stop crying about it. That does sound a bit much.

I once had a bride cry because I wouldn't go to her wedding in another city without a nursing newborn, but that was stupid because she made her choice.

We have had similar with my brother and his fiancé. No children invited because there are two on our side (my DDs two daughters) but his wife to be has lots on her side so my DD said they weren’t going. It is a 5 hour drive, an overnight stay and no one to leave their girls with as they are SEN. My brother is disappointed they can’t come but if you choose to have a childfree wedding you must accept not everyone will come.

Your SIL doesn’t seem to care though which is probably why your parents are upset. An indication of where your DBs priorities will be going forward which is more likely to be SILs family rather than yours. I don’t see the need for the drama though. Either you go with your parents and leave DH at home or all of you give it a miss. Doesn’t sound like your DB will be bothered. I would tell him why you won’t be going. They have the right to have a child free wedding but if you are upset about it tell them.

It's their wedding their choice don't like it don't go. These are not your decisions to make or question. YABU

Your mum asking SIL if it’s an oversight is one thing. Your mum is cheeky to have a asked them to make an exception seeing as they said its a child free wedding - your mum is the AH for this.

Your brother saying it’s a child free wedding then having two other kids there who are flower girls. Up to the bride who the flower girls are but to then not have your kids even be invited is really sh*tty - your BIL and SIL are the AH’s for this. Your SIL is making a pretty big statement to your family and your brother is backing her.

I am all for people having their child free weddings but this is taking the p*ss. I wouldn’t go.

Curious… are you close to your brother? Do you get on with your SIL? Does your SIL actually like you or your family?

By all means talk to your brother and tell him how you feel about it. But I wouldn’t be asking him to make an exception. Just tell
him you won’t be there. He’s made a d*ck
move IMO.

Really interesting perspective, thanks for sharing. Thinking about it, a couple eloping is fair to everyone in the sense you didn’t differentiate at all between who you invited on either side, by age, etc. It was just the two of you.

I wholeheartedly agree with your point about the marriage and life after being far more important than the actual day itself. That’s a good point.