Brother’s Wedding Would You Say Something?

[GutsyPeachExpert]

Brother announced that he and SiL were getting married in September. She wasn’t even there when he told my mother. They didn’t have engagement or a big fanfare or anything.

When they have been asked about the wedding he never knows the answer but she is more forthcoming.

Once Dad asked for a lift with something but brother said he wasn’t free as they were looking at venues so that was the only hint we got.

We have now got formal wedding invitations through the post and my two little girls 6 and 4 aren’t invited.

My mother immediately rang him as she thought it was an oversite but it is a child free wedding. My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule. However, he said they already had two flower girls from SiL’s side. We have never heard her even speak about these children.

I am so upset. I can accept logically the flower girl thing but for them not to be even there!

I don’t want a debate on children at weddings I want to know if I would be unreasonable to speak to my brother about how upset I am and to ask that they be invited.

I do find that a lot of people having child free weddings like to say they're "giving people the opportunity to let their hair down without the kids" but surely there's that opportunity anyway? If you don't want to bring the kids you can say "DH and I are coming but we'd really like to enjoy the wedding childfree so the DCs won't be joining us" by not inviting them at all it just puts a barrier in place to those who cant/aren't comfortable leaving them

Anyway that's not really the point, OP i would just say "sadly DH and I won't be able to make it then, hope you have a lovely time", I certainly wouldn't feel any obligation to attend a family wedding where my children aren't welcome.

However, I would not try and convince them to change their minds, that will only cause more dramas. I also think your mum was very cheeky to bring up the girls being flower girls, if that was something SIL and DB had wanted they'd have brought it up themselves, so i can see what people are saying about the manipulation aspect. I would also tell your parents that while you're upset you don't want any drama around it or for them to get involved especially with your dad saying he doesn't even want to go now, that needs to stop because it's going to cause more issues.

What a horrible thing for an uncle to do to his nieces. And very unfair that kids from his fiancé's side of the family will be in attendance.

I dont understand how you don't want a debate about child free weddings but want to know if ybu to discuss with brother them not being invited. Contradictory.

They aren't invited. Their wedding their choice. Your choice whether to go or not.

Absolutely, but the brother can’t complain of he is no longer invited to other family events.

would you feel the same way if it was the groom’s own little children who weren’t invited but the bride invited her friend’s children to be flower girls?

I would be completely and utterly devestated if my brother or sister didn't invite my children to their wedding. I'd be especially hurt if other children were invited, regardless of whether they were in the wedding party or not, so I really do sympathise. My siblings and I, and my children, are all so close and they all adore each other so I'd say it depends on your brother's relationship with your children as to whether you say something.

While I am firmly in the 'it's their day' camp on all fronts, I would want my brother to know how I feel and how it would make my older child feel - she's 9 and I know she would feel hurt and excluded as she feels close to him, we see them at least twice a week. However, I believe he would want to know if I was feeling this way and I know we could have a good chat about it without any expectations on either side.

I suppose this post and the varied responses really highlight that everyone's relationships with family and siblings are different. I think only you know how your brother will take this and if/how it might impact your relationship going forward.

YABU.

Those children are an exception to the child free rule because they are part of the wedding party. Something you were absolutely fine with when you thought it would be a way of getting your children invited.

It's their wedding and they don't want children there other than the ones who are part of the wedding.

That's it.

People can complain about anything they want, as is op.

The grooms own children compared to his nieces isn't the same, so no I wouldn't feel the same.

Unconditional unless you want a child free wedding.

Lots of talk about disfunctional or cold families not inviting everyone and how it wouldn't be allowed. To me, THAT is disfunctional. It's not allowing people to be individuals. Some people are very introverted and dread their own wedding day because it's all about what their family want, when they'd prefer a very small wedding.

I wouldn't want that for anyone I care about, so whatever people choose for their wedding, I support them. That is not cold.

But you said it is their wedding their choice

Yes which it is, so don't try to change it or act like they're unreasonable.

I’ve read all OP’s posts and she doesn’t say why this is so important to her at all. Hence me asking.

I’ve been to weddings with my children and to child-free weddings without. It has never bothered me either way. I love big family weddings where all the kids get together and enjoy themselves (much like my own wedding). I’ve also loved the child-free weddings where I could drink champagne with wild abandon and have a lovely night in a hotel with just my DH!

I’m genuinely trying to see why OP is so desperate for her children to be there.

Mainly it seems like many MN family members look for reasons to hate each other, feel insulted and go NC.

So, in the spirit of MN, OP needs to write an angry RSVP and go NC. Blame the bride forever. Then rest of life, explain to your 2 kids that they are the reason they don’t speak to cousins or uncle. They were not invited to an adults only wedding when the were 4 & 6, even though there were Flowergirls at the wedding!!! Because you love your children so much, you have shown everyone the lengths you will go to teach their uncle & wife a lesson.

Sounds like his fiance doesn't like you or your kids
Id talk to your brother in a calm way

Explain how you feel and remind him it's his wedding too not just his fiancés

We had this same issue with one of the family weddings, none of our side went in the end…….problem solved…….

I don't think you are I think your hurt that your own flesh and blood doesn't care enough about you and your children to include you and them in his "big day"

Hopefully your kids can be at his next wedding

Whether I attended would depend on travelling time. If I could attend on my own for ceremony I would, then I would slip away. Even a sibling.
I certainly wouldn’t have preferred a day/night at a wedding when mine were about 8. But I don’t like weddings and just stay long enough so I don’t get complained about.

Yeah OP, ambush them!

It's not his wedding!

We know nothing about the flower girls or why they were chosen - maybe they're a bit older than OPs so b&g thought they'd not get bored or fractious, maybe a bridesmaid has no childcare and is the brides closest friend, maybe the bride has known these children since they were born and is extremely close with them - I've non related children who I was there when they were born, why does EastEnders style 'faaaamly' trump that?

'Neither myself of my husband would have that from either of our siblings, absolutely not' - well it's not up to you to not have that, what does that even mean, you'd try to force your siblings to do as you command? It's not OPs wedding, she can't be demanding anything.

Honestly, with the way OP, her DH and her parents are acting, with all the crying etc, it wouldn't surprise me if it was his choice.

This post really gives the game away. Beneath all the pompous, self-righteous sighing about "today's individualistic society" and martyrish "I guess I'm old fashioned" is just plain old misogyny. Look at the way this poster specifically targets the young bride for not acting with the docile deference she expects from young women. Imagine, a young woman who arranges important events in her life as she wants them, not how her in-laws want them or how wider society wants it. (Of course the assumption that the bride-to-be has been driving this is itself misogynistic, as we have no info on that front at all.)

It's also ironic that you accuse the bride-to-be of being "me me me" when the people making it all about themselves are in fact the OP and her parents. Why is it "me me me" for the bride to have a child-free wedding, but not "me me me" for the OP's OTT main character syndrome?

Valuing friends - the people you choose and who choose you back - over family is something I'm grateful for every day. My friends are my chosen family and they've brought me so much joy. Not sure why you find that sad.

Thankfully our siblings would never in a million years behave so disrespectfully, and neither would we towards our beloved nieces and nephews. If they were to, that’s up to them, but we would definitely not be attending without our children, and they would have zero right to be upset with us.

Its tough and seems unfair but honestly entirely up to them your brother and future SIL who they choose to include or exclude.

If you love your brother either go on your own, be happy for them and put your feelings to one side or don’t go.

Your nieces and nephews are beloved, OP has not stated how close her DB is to her children. Maybe they barely see each other, maybe they're not close at all, maybe OPs parents make their preferences clear. Who's to say OPs DB would be upset?

People who resort to "it's so sad that nowadays..." insults are out of touch and maudlin.

It's not sad to value friends and it's not sad to have an adult-centric event without inviting child guests.