Brother’s Wedding Would You Say Something?

[GutsyPeachExpert]

Brother announced that he and SiL were getting married in September. She wasn’t even there when he told my mother. They didn’t have engagement or a big fanfare or anything.

When they have been asked about the wedding he never knows the answer but she is more forthcoming.

Once Dad asked for a lift with something but brother said he wasn’t free as they were looking at venues so that was the only hint we got.

We have now got formal wedding invitations through the post and my two little girls 6 and 4 aren’t invited.

My mother immediately rang him as she thought it was an oversite but it is a child free wedding. My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule. However, he said they already had two flower girls from SiL’s side. We have never heard her even speak about these children.

I am so upset. I can accept logically the flower girl thing but for them not to be even there!

I don’t want a debate on children at weddings I want to know if I would be unreasonable to speak to my brother about how upset I am and to ask that they be invited.

Ah OP I get this! It is hurtful. I think child free people don't necessarily think it through but we'd all hope our siblings would want their nieces and nephews there.

My younger sister wasn't going to invite my baby or my brother's 2 to her wedding (we would have had 3 under 3 between us) but issue was I'm a single parent and the dad and other family aren't even in this country, then my brother's baby would have been 6 weeks old... So my mum did say something and they changed their minds. But then actually they split up before the wedding anyway...

They are entitled not to invite your girls but you are also entitled not to go. I think it’s a sh!t thing not inviting them!
what did he say to your mum on why they weren’t invited?

You have every right to be upset xx

There's literal tears in this case. Pretty sure that constitutes sulking.
Yes well OP doesn't need to pay for childcare. So it's irrelevant. But sometimes the push to spend the money is welcome. If you don't get that, lucky you I guess.

My younger sister wasn't going to invite my baby or my brother's 2 to her wedding (we would have had 3 under 3 between us) but issue was I'm a single parent and the dad and other family aren't even in this country, then my brother's baby would have been 6 weeks old... So my mum did say something and they changed their minds. But then actually they split up before the wedding anyway...

He probably realise how toxic and manipulative her family was.

Do you know how big a wedding it is? We had children but it was a very small wedding, with just the ceremony and sit down meal, no evening do, no bridesmaids etc

They are not toxic and manipulative, their mother was correctly drawing the younger sibling’s attention to the fact that her siblings either had nobody to look after their children, or they were very young babies (possibly being breastfed/not everybody is comfortable leaving them when so young), so clearly that would mean her own sister and brother could not then attend…actually shows the younger sister’s immaturity in spades, but good on her for realising that and rightly re-considering!

OP the only saving grace is that practically all the family guests at the wedding will be looking at the 2 flower girls and understandably asking around where your children are! I would definitely find it odd if the children of the groom were missing but other little children were there. I can just imagine the conversations where auntie Jo goes ‘where are x and y, I thought they would be flower girls?’ And then someone else goes ‘oh the groom didn’t want them here so didn’t invite them.’

How would she even know about the wedding unless her parents and grandparents made a big drama about it? And downloaded their own feelings of entitlement and umbrage onto the kids?

"Kids, you're going to your Nan and Grandad's this weekend! Won't that be fun?" That's all they need to know.

LMAO! I am sure the adult wedding guests will have better things to do than wonder about the whereabouts of a toddler and small child whom they've likely never had a complete conversation with.

Honestly the preciousness of some parents. Your kids are not the center of anyone else's universe. No one is going to wonder where they are!

Politely decline, perhaps explain to your brother that you would not want to go without your children.

If then there is a change of mind, graciously accept and go.

I do wonder from what is described whether or not your brother is just going along with what his fiancée thinks.

Do you honestly think she didn't know? She was guilted into changing her mind. It's immature to stamp your feet and send your mother to "say something". I'm always amazed by how many parents on here apparently don't have any friends who are able to babysit, I'm resolutely child free but have babysat for friends before.

No they won't, nobody will care. "It's a childfree wedding apart from the wedding party" is perfectly normal.

You are all being utterly ridiculous.

Kids can be a pain at weddings, they distract, can't sit still, make noises at inappropriate times and add an extortionate additional cost.

Your mum has reached out and been told no, you are going to look rude and entitled of you ask again.

Go or don't go. It is an invite not a summons. But you should not labour the kids thing with your brother.

And as for the crying...good heavens get over yourselves.

I don't agree. I went to my friends wedding, I didn't realise my son WAS invited, as his name wasnt on the invite, so I didn't take him, I got asked where he was. Some adults do care about children and do ask after them in my experience.

Weddings are pretty dull for children (can be quite dull for adults too!)

Quite why anyone would want children at a wedding is beyond me!

Says it all…until you have your own 6 week old baby, you really can’t comment. You have no idea how you will feel about them, how you will decide to feed them, what health they will be in, how recovered you will be from the birth, how protective you will feel over them. Of course friends can babysit…when both are ready.

I haven’t been to a single wedding which has excluded babies under 1, especially if breastfeeding. Would definitely have been an instant decline from me!

I've only read your replies @GutsyPeachExpert.

I'm sure the thread is full of "it's their wedding, they can do what they like" type comments.

Well, yes, they can do what they like, but they can't do what they like and expect it to be consequence free. The consequence of their decision is that they have hurt their closest family. They're showing you that your family is not as important to them as they are to you.

I don't know what I would do in your position. Maybe just go on your own and leave your husband at home with your daughters.

You and your mother were crying and then your mother tried to guilt trip him into inviting your children? What happens in your family when something genuinely awful happens? You must be flinging yourselves out of the upstairs windows every time someone breaks a nail. Your brother is entitled to have the wedding he wants and I can absolutely see why he kept everything quiet until he absolutely had to break cover.

The wedding could be far more relaxing for you without small kids, she could be doing you a favour and giving you ability to enjoy the day, rather than doing childcare at a wedding in an unfamiliar setting.

This. They have decided what they want and that’s fine. But you don’t have to like it or go. Just decline.

Oh OP, it must be so hard for you and I feel for you and your mum.

Until recently, it seems, weddings were supposed to be public declarations in front of important friends and family (unless you elope or similar). Are your sibling’s children not important family? Will they not grow up to see the photos and ask where they were? Weddings are special. It’s bad form to exclude youngsters. You’re not wrong to be hurt. If it’s just ‘their day’ they don’t need anyone else to go?

Bizarrely many people don’t understand that children are just people at a certain stage until they have their own. They say ‘I don’t like kids’ like you’d say ‘cats.’ You’d never hear ‘I don’t like old people’ or ‘I don’t like pregnant women’ in the same way.

I don’t think your DB is being malicious, and is maybe going along with what seems a practical suggestion of his fiancée’s without thinking it through. Talk to him - did you go to any weddings as children that you both remember? Start there?

i have voted that you are not unreasonable as I would feel the same way as you. Most responders are generally a bit harsh on all threads I read so don’t take it to heart people calling you entitled.
if you want practical advice- ask your parents to stay out of it for the time being and invite DB and SIL to a nice evening meal at your house where you can start the evening by mentioning the situation, be honest and say you wouldn’t be able to come if the kids weren’t invited. Would they consider inviting them since there will be other children there.
if they say no then you know where you stand with them once and for all. However, I find childless couples getting married who ban kids are often just a bit clueless, they mean no harm. When they have their own kids they’ll understand.

I suppose it depends on the family.

A friend’a wedding, absolutely.

But very odd that a family wedding in would not be discussed in front of them, or deliberately kept from them.

When people show you who they are (and how they feel), believe them.
Your brother doesn't feel like you about family or weddings. You need to adjust your expectations and then decide how you want to move forward in your relationship with him on those new terms.