Brother’s Wedding Would You Say Something?

[GutsyPeachExpert]

Brother announced that he and SiL were getting married in September. She wasn’t even there when he told my mother. They didn’t have engagement or a big fanfare or anything.

When they have been asked about the wedding he never knows the answer but she is more forthcoming.

Once Dad asked for a lift with something but brother said he wasn’t free as they were looking at venues so that was the only hint we got.

We have now got formal wedding invitations through the post and my two little girls 6 and 4 aren’t invited.

My mother immediately rang him as she thought it was an oversite but it is a child free wedding. My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule. However, he said they already had two flower girls from SiL’s side. We have never heard her even speak about these children.

I am so upset. I can accept logically the flower girl thing but for them not to be even there!

I don’t want a debate on children at weddings I want to know if I would be unreasonable to speak to my brother about how upset I am and to ask that they be invited.

You all are starting to sound like the in laws from hell.

My in laws made drama over our wedding. It permanently affected how I feel about them.

Please stop.

I also dislike all of the assumptions about oh well, you go on your own and your DH stay at home with the children…it used to be unheard of to not invite somebody’s husband or wife to a wedding, let alone a family member’s! My husband has been a fantastic BIL to my siblings for 15 years, I would be horrified if this was suggested to me, really offended. I really feel for anyone in this situation.

That only works if you actually get on with and enjoy your family though. If you have the kind of family where things are not nice or you’re the scape goat or forgotten child friends can be the family you want and frankly need.

Not only do more people move away now they also are not scared of what the elders or church may think of them not jumping though every hope to make others happy and themselves sad. Add into that how busy people are needing often two adults to work full time, grannies and grandads still working so not offering that hand of childcare with ever expanding costs the village of family becomes lesser.

Why do you need an excuse? If you don't want to take your children to a wedding you can choose not to take them. If someone else specifically invites me and not my kids to a wedding, they have removed that choice from me.

I feel the same! I’d speak to your brother, not in a hysterical way but in a calm rational way and explain how you feel.

To me, this is rotten Op & a horrible way for your brother or SIL to start their married life! Hope it gets sorted and no bad feeling all around.

Except that it’s clearly not a child free wedding as there are children going.

I can’t understand how so many people don’t regard children as members of the family and exclude them so breezily.

It’s also bizarre that these people are on a parenting site.

Well you wouldn’t invite children to the hen or stag do either now would you if your arranging it as an adult event.

My son recently got married to his husband Op and their wedding cost nearly £90.000 pounds,yes you read that right ninety thousand pounds. They planned and paid for the day and got the day exactly as they wanted and dreamed off. Neither would have entered into any discussion as to whom to invite nor any other thing about their plans. It was their day and you could join in and be spoilt rotten as a guest or you could decline the invite. The day was as they wanted exactly and no amount of interference,pressure or blackmail and tears would have made an iota of difference it would have been totally pointless. Just go and support your brother and SIL or decline politely no need for any further discussion.

To me, this is rotten Op & a horrible way for your brother or SIL to start their married life!

What, by having the wedding they want?

Seems odd to me not to invite nieces but maybe they thought a 4 & 6 yr old were too young?

what a nasty attitude. Why invite people if you don't care about them coming or not .

Agree. I cannot imagine either of my sons getting married and not inviting my 2 grandchildren despite having 2 other children involved.
Added to that it’s very strange that there was no conversation about this prior to the invites being sent 😳 It’s called communication!
It just wouldn’t happen amongst the many people I know !
Can only conclude that there are many dysfunctional families on MN

Family obligation where your invite not arriving would be seen worse than them not attending.

He was invited. He's excluding himself because he can't bear to see other girls as flower girls but not his daughters

As much as it's their choice who they invite to their wedding, I would feel hurt if my child were excluded and I wouldn't be happy about going without her. I'd feel sad and hurt that she wasn't included, especially as it's a close family member getting married.

If you want to let your brother know how hurt you are, then do so if it would make you feel better.

Be mindful that he may well not change his mind and you will have to decide whether to go (and feel resentful) or not. Or if he does change his mind and say they can go, would you be comfortable, knowing that you've pushed the issue?

It's an awkward situation either way. Families eh?

Though presumably "sorry, we're taking the kids to see the new Snow White movie" might go down worse than not giving a reason at all 😂

It's more about attitude. You can choose to sulk over children not going to something they probably don't care about in the first place. Or you can make the best of it, because not everything needs to be about your children.
And actually, some of us do need excuses because we don't have childcare on tap. It is expensive and used sparingly.

Because he’s a bloody drama queen

There is no point making a fuss. Go or don't go are I think the only options. They're entitled to have a childfree wedding and you're entitled to decline the invite.

Hopefully they'll accept a decline better than the Bride in the last childfree wedding I was invited to.

It is the hosts' prerogative to decide the guest list; they aren't required to consult others or form a committee.

There is nothing dysfunctional about having adult events that are not appropriate for toddlers and reception-age children.

Children are not mini adults and they are not the social equals of adults. There is a reason that every human society that ever has existed has rites of passage that distinguish the childhood years from the adult years. Because they aren't the same.

Children have fewer responsibilities, and less standing, fewer perks and privileges than adults. Adult society is not required to include children in all activiites. We don't take them to work with us, we don't take them to university classes or conferences with us, we don't take them to most adult hobbies, and we don't take them to adult social events. It's not a slight and it's not abnormal to socialize only among adults.

SOME people see weddings as "the joining of families" and some people see them as a festive event at which adult friends and relatives get to congratulate the bride and groom. Either way, it's really obnoxious and petty for invited guests to attempt to change the terms of an invitation.

It’s also bizarre that these people are on a parenting site.

Well given how many parents on this thread and similar ones have said they’d love to let their hair down at a child free wedding, it clearly isn’t that bizarre.

Yes. I guess the brother doesn’t see his sister as close. I would be devastated if my kids behaved like that as adults.

Fortunately we have close unconditional relationships in our family and it’s taken as given that siblings, even cousins and aunts and uncles are wanted and welcome to everything (budget allowing). No guilt or obligation. Just genuine family affection.

Some of these families operate in such a cold and formal way. A real eye-opener.

What on earth is this not-so-stealth brag about your son’s blingy wedding about?!

You obviously don't have kids. Can't wait till you do though, and I bet anything that you'll moan like fuck if your precious offspring aren't included in any wedding you're invited to 😂

He’s correct to exclude himself- why would he want to watch the children of non-family members invited ahead of his daughters, who are actual family? Neither myself of my husband would have that from either of our siblings, absolutely not.

My brother didn’t invite my children or my nieces and nephews to his wedding. He and my sil are quite close with the children but they decided they wanted a child free wedding and we all needed to accept that.

I understand you’re disappointed about your dd’s not being flower girls but again it’s the bride and groom to be’s choice.

I would try move on from this and go and enjoy the day.