Brother’s Wedding Would You Say Something?

[GutsyPeachExpert]

Brother announced that he and SiL were getting married in September. She wasn’t even there when he told my mother. They didn’t have engagement or a big fanfare or anything.

When they have been asked about the wedding he never knows the answer but she is more forthcoming.

Once Dad asked for a lift with something but brother said he wasn’t free as they were looking at venues so that was the only hint we got.

We have now got formal wedding invitations through the post and my two little girls 6 and 4 aren’t invited.

My mother immediately rang him as she thought it was an oversite but it is a child free wedding. My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule. However, he said they already had two flower girls from SiL’s side. We have never heard her even speak about these children.

I am so upset. I can accept logically the flower girl thing but for them not to be even there!

I don’t want a debate on children at weddings I want to know if I would be unreasonable to speak to my brother about how upset I am and to ask that they be invited.

This would piss me off too as it’s clearly NOT a child free wedding if they are having flower girls from her side.
Personally I’d decline the invitation and tell them why.
even if they come back and say that your girls can come you’ll still know that they didn’t really want them there so for me that would taint the day.

I think it’s probably realising your kids don’t mean as much to their uncle as you assumed they did?

Have a read of the thread. It will become clearer!

Though if you don’t understand why it’s important to some people to have their children invited to a sibling’s wedding, then I guess you might not learn much.

I think it’s selfish and short sighted to cut off kids in your family for the “perfect wedding” and to add insult she invites her nieces but his nieces are not worthy?

it is short sighted because you’re willing to cause family strife just for that “perfect wedding” it’s all about the wedding, you don’t care who gets upset. I can’t say for sure but it looks like the bride is the one making the decisions and as a bride looking to marry and build a relationship with a new family I will be flexible rather than insist the grooms family be cut out all planning, insist the grooms niece and nephews don’t attend even if the brides nieces are attending. All part of the individualistic selfishness taking over our society. It’s all about me me me me me.

I loved watching my young nephew do a bible reading at our wedding, seeing him practice the weeks before the wedding etc was lovely and my nieces being part of the wedding gave me joy but I guess I am old fashioned.

One would think the depth of the relationship was obvious by now. Doesn't sound like they're particularly close.

You are spot on. Happy to be old fashioned like you! 😊 Weddings are supposed to be about the joining of two families, not excluding key members of them. Take me back to the old days!

All of those suggesting to just say you are not going and not explain why. Like thats perfectly rational, nay to be celebrated. How is that less hurtful than the decision made not to invite the nieces? I don't understand the complete disregard for the impact of that course of action? Isn't a relationship between a brother and a sister pretty important? Isn't going to the wedding of a sibling a demonstration of love and care and support? This far outweighs whether or not children come to said event, even if the brother and sister disagree on that point.

Angered and upset. Ye gods.

just don’t go. It’s supposed to be a happy Occassion and who they invite is up to them.

Cobblers.

It's the reverse!

With how OP and her parents are tantrumming over this, and with them clearly putting their grandkids over their own son at HIS wedding. it wouldn't surprise me if DB wanted the childfree wedding and he is the one compromising to let SIL have flower girls.

It's clear who the golden child is in this scenario, he'd probably cheer if OP declined.

Yep. Some MN families have some really quite unusual dynamics! Q individualistic and cold. I wonder if they even like their family members?! Imagine not wanting your little nieces at your wedding.

To be fair, the flower girls might not be staying for the whole wedding, they could be going home after the pictures, meal etc. We don't have enough info.

Yeh I wouldn't go personally. I wouldn't give up a whole day for someone else's wedding when they've excluded half of my family.

But it isn’t is it? The Sil will have some as her flower girls. This is an immediate family member’s wedding.

I understand you might be a bit upset/ offended but it sounds like they genuinely just want a child free wedding and its not a personal rejection of your children. The flower girls have obviously been selected as part of the bridal party from the brides side (which I think is pretty standard.. although I do think on this occasion your B and SIL have made a bit of an error of judgement having some family kids and not others.)

At the end of the day this is really not worth you missing your own brothers wedding, and certainly not worth your parents not attending their own sons wedding! That is the type of thing that will cause a life long family rift. It is also the type of thing that sends a strong message that your parents are prioritising you and your feelings over your brother on his actual wedding day.

It's not the way you would do it but you have the understand this is their day and it's really not about all of you. At all.

Whereas I'd be delighted to have an excuse for a childfree weekend. Particularly with childcare on tap like OP.

Another thought- honestly would parents on here commenting that they wouldn’t be bothered, they have every right not to invite them, etc genuinely be happy in the future if one of their own children did this to their sibling’s future children? I would not, and will be raising my two children to value and include their future nieces and nephews out of respect to their sibling.

So many comments about her not going damaging her relationship with her brother- no way, he has done that by excluding her children, who are his family too, and should be prepared for consequences. He clearly does not value his relationship with his sister!

This is perfect.
I would be disappointed too. People can be so unpredictable. At least you know the score.

OP you mentioned you weren't getting much info from your brother - is the venue limited numbers? We had friends get married recently and had child free except for wedding party as the venue only held 50 and they both have large families and friend groups

Just because siblings share the same parents, it doesn't mean they will be close as adults. It sounds like OP and her DB aren't that close in the first place.

OP not your day. They said no respect their wishes. It is not your decision to interfere with or your mums. Either go or don't .

Maybe that’s the actual thing. Ops only just finding out her brother doesn’t really care about her/ her children. Her invite is then a duty invite and the kids he can wash off with no children.

Patronising "touched a nerve" at the end

I simply dislike it when women are blamed for men's choices constantly, based on nothing but misogyny.

And that’s the saddest part really, modern families are increasingly more distant and value friends over their own family…so glad my family are not like this, and would not treat me or my children like this…thankful daily, it’s been an eye-opener on MN!

Could be