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Original poster

Brother’s Wedding Would You Say Something?

1000 replies

GutsyPeachExpert · 02/04/2025 11:05

Brother announced that he and SiL were getting married in September. She wasn’t even there when he told my mother. They didn’t have engagement or a big fanfare or anything.

When they have been asked about the wedding he never knows the answer but she is more forthcoming.

Once Dad asked for a lift with something but brother said he wasn’t free as they were looking at venues so that was the only hint we got.

We have now got formal wedding invitations through the post and my two little girls 6 and 4 aren’t invited.

My mother immediately rang him as she thought it was an oversite but it is a child free wedding. My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule. However, he said they already had two flower girls from SiL’s side. We have never heard her even speak about these children.

I am so upset. I can accept logically the flower girl thing but for them not to be even there!

I don’t want a debate on children at weddings I want to know if I would be unreasonable to speak to my brother about how upset I am and to ask that they be invited.

OP posts:
Anxioustealady · 02/04/2025 17:51

CantStopMoving · 02/04/2025 14:17

There is a 50:50 split in this thread of people who think weddings are only about the bride and groom alone and everyone else are not important to the occasion and those who see weddings as a celebration and uniting/coming together of families.

Quite interesting how different people see it tbh. I’m very close to my family so couldn’t imagine causing any of this stress at all. When I got married, i loved having all my extended family there. For me, it just wouldn’t have been the same to exclude anyone.

I think OP is being unreasonable because I think it's awful and selfish to try change someone else's wedding to suit myself. I would want my family member or friend to have the wedding day they choose.

MargaretThursday · 02/04/2025 17:51

PurplGirl · 02/04/2025 17:29

Somany ppl on here are missing the point - OP was fine with her kids not going when she thought no children were going….but to then find out other kids from the bride’s side are going and are flower girls. Nah. Unless you’re estranged from your brother or there’s some hideous back story, not a chance I’d be going along to this wedding under these circumstances. Your brother (abd SIL to be) is being ridiculous. I’d try to calmly tell him how difficult you’re finding it, with other kids invited but yours not, and be honest, that it’s unfair on your kids for you to attend without them under these circumstances. I’d still be privately raging that they’re not flower girls but some friends’ kids are, but I think you’ll have to let that go. Honestly, it sounds rubbish, so if he doesn’t change his mind and invite your kids and give them some sort of little role, I’d skip it. Sorry, really sad for you and your mum. Hugs.

She wasn't fine when she thought no children were going. It's in the op

My mother immediately rang him as she thought it was an oversite but it is a child free wedding. My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule.

Stravaig · 02/04/2025 17:52

Iceandfire92 · 02/04/2025 16:00

I wonder how those poor kids who haven't been invited have been parented with generations of a family so lacking in resilience. The reactions to a perfectly normal wedding scenario from OP's DH and DF, the OP's "my heart" and the hysterics from the entire family have been preposterous. This has probably resulted in a whiny pair of brats whose entitled parents probably never say no to them, think they are centre of the universe and are more than willing to bulldoze them into a wedding they are not invited to. I would love to hear OP's brother's side of the story.

Edited

It is the perennial disjunction on Mumsnet, that despite its name, there is so rarely any thoughtful examination of the often shitty quality of parenting on display in thread after thread after thread.

Someone is raising all those people who will grow up to be voted unreasonable, and we can frequently see exactly whom!

HellDorado · 02/04/2025 17:54

Not only that they will have a role in the ceremony and be in all the photos forever and so her children will always know their uncle didn’t want them there but he wanted the other children.

What, at the ceremonial weekly viewing of the photos?

Honestly, most people probably don’t even look at their own wedding albums more than once a year.

UndermyShoeJoe · 02/04/2025 17:57

HellDorado · 02/04/2025 17:54

Not only that they will have a role in the ceremony and be in all the photos forever and so her children will always know their uncle didn’t want them there but he wanted the other children.

What, at the ceremonial weekly viewing of the photos?

Honestly, most people probably don’t even look at their own wedding albums more than once a year.

Ours all came on disk… I have zero idea where that disk is 😅

AthWat · 02/04/2025 18:01

I mean, do you actually get on with your brother? Will he care if you don't go? Do you care if you don't go?

autisticbookworm · 02/04/2025 18:02

I agree not inviting nieces is crap even at a child free wedding. But ultimately it s their choice, you and your dh just need to decide if you want to go or not and arrange child care if needed. You don’t really have to mention the wedding to the kids

cakewench · 02/04/2025 18:08

Honestly, send the response explaining briefly why you will or won't be going, or why it will just be you rather than you and DH.

I really do not understand people who think you shouldn't explain 'why'. This is your brother, presumably people expect you to be there. You really can't logically just say "sorry, can't make it" because there will be follow-up questions.

JustSawJohnny · 02/04/2025 18:14

It sounds like your best bet is just not to go.

Return your RSVP and let it go, OP.

You woud be unreasonable to try to make them change plans for your kids and it sounds like you and your DH would struggle to go and not be upset/angry about the other kids there so just bow out and let them get on with it.

dementedmummy · 02/04/2025 18:18

You are entitled to be upset that your girls cannot go but you would be being unreasonable to raise it with your brother. An invite is just that - an invite, not a summons. You either go or you say that you are unable to attend, wish them well and that you will look forward to seeing the photos. If you go, consider it a chance to have a lovely adult day with your hubby. If he doesn't want to go, you can chose to go yourself and catch up with family and when asked where DH or the kids are, simply say they were not invited as it is adults only. If you go and there are other children other than the flower girls there then I think you may need to rethink how well behaved your children actually are in a social setting or otherwise how strong your relationship actually is with your brother/future sis in law. Good luck with your decision

RedToothBrush · 02/04/2025 18:18

Yep just decline but don't say why.

Let them stew on it for the next 30 years.

You don't want them in your life anyway.

The alternative is you tell them how much it's upset you and they resent you and don't speak to you for the next 30 years.

And people wonder why I fucking hate weddings.

Digdongdoo · 02/04/2025 18:21

So much fuss. Dear me, your small children don't really give a shit if they go to a wedding they barely know is happening. You don't have childcare troubles (lucky you). What exactly are you so upset about? Why do you feel so strongly that your children must attend? Fuss for the sake of fuss. You don't have to be thrilled about it, but it isn't your wedding.

PurplGirl · 02/04/2025 18:26

OP stating what her mother did and said - nowhere does that state the OP asked her mother to. OP included that info as a precursor to explain how she then knew that other children were going.

Nameychangington · 02/04/2025 18:27

RedToothBrush · 02/04/2025 17:50

This is the mistake.

Brother, you have successfully managed to reduce DH and Dad to tears.

Congratulations.

Have a nice wedding.

The end.

I didn't want any of the family drama over invites so didn't invite anyone. Problem solved.

Show quote history

Brother didnt reduce anyone to tears, can't he have the wedding he wants without being guilt tripped that he's made his parents cry?

Cheesyfootballs01 · 02/04/2025 18:28

GutsyPeachExpert · 02/04/2025 11:15

My DH actually doesn’t want to go without the girls he also now doesn’t want them to go to see two other little girls in the roles of flower girls. I know we are unreasonable about this aspect.

Childcare wouldn’t be a problem as such, either with DH or my in-laws (who my mother expected to be invited as they were invited to DH’s sister’s wedding).

My dad doesn’t want to go either now. Mum and I keep crying. I know mumsnet can’t understand crying over these things.

I know it’s their wedding and the world is a mess but I am genuinely upset.

You all sound very over dramatic….

Their wedding, their choice.

Ewock · 02/04/2025 18:28

GutsyPeachExpert · 02/04/2025 14:12

My brother knows nothing about my dad and husband’s reactions.

So it was ok for you and your mum to want your girls as flower girls and the ex option to the no kids rule would be ok, but because the flower girls are on the brides side that's now not ok.
You are so entitled. Go or don't go your choice, personally I think you, your dh and parents are being totally over the top and a tad pathetic

RedToothBrush · 02/04/2025 18:29

Nameychangington · 02/04/2025 18:27

Brother didnt reduce anyone to tears, can't he have the wedding he wants without being guilt tripped that he's made his parents cry?

Show quote history

No.

Definitely not.

Nameychangington · 02/04/2025 18:29

Omgblueskys · 02/04/2025 17:48

Wow!! Awkwardone
The fact that op and GPs are upset that the nieces/GC/ daughters, are not ramdon children, not just the mates kids or neighbours children,
This is about two little girls, part of a family yet not invited,

Show quote history

No, it's not about two little girls.

It's about the bride and groom, it's their wedding. And they can ask who they like, and people can feel how they feel about it. The DBs wedding is not about his nieces. No one's disowned them from their family, they're just children not invited to an adult event.

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 02/04/2025 18:31

We have never heard her even speak about these children

I think you are being unreasonable here. So what if she doesn’t mention them? Maybe you’re not that close to her or maybe it just didn’t come up. It doesn’t mean they’re not special to her. Bridesmaids and flower girls traditionally come from the bride’s side. It was not reasonable or fair of the groom’s mum to “suggest” your children for that role.

I can see why you’re upset they’re not invited at all, though. Especially the way he has communicated it, or rather failed to communicate it.

I think you should both just suck it up and go to the wedding, though. No point falling out over it. It’s their day.

BlondeMummyto1 · 02/04/2025 18:34

GutsyPeachExpert · 02/04/2025 11:15

My DH actually doesn’t want to go without the girls he also now doesn’t want them to go to see two other little girls in the roles of flower girls. I know we are unreasonable about this aspect.

Childcare wouldn’t be a problem as such, either with DH or my in-laws (who my mother expected to be invited as they were invited to DH’s sister’s wedding).

My dad doesn’t want to go either now. Mum and I keep crying. I know mumsnet can’t understand crying over these things.

I know it’s their wedding and the world is a mess but I am genuinely upset.

Your parents need to get a grip before they cause a massive fallout.

Fullcircle90 · 02/04/2025 18:34

Telling you it’s a child free wedding when there are children attending is hurtful. I would be upset too at that.

GingerDoris · 02/04/2025 18:35

Their wedding, their choice, as many people have said, but I can understand why you are upset. If I was upset bout it then I would RSVP as a nope, and then spend all the money I would have spent on clothes, gifts, travel and so on, on a lovely day out somewhere with the children. Let them get on with it and have the day they want. 😁

Papercup · 02/04/2025 18:36

Why are you so desperate to have your children there? Why is that so important to you that you are crying about it?

It’s not childcare because your in-laws can look after them. It’s not because there are other children there because you were happy for your children to be the only children when you thought they could be flower girls. So what is it?

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 02/04/2025 18:36

DH or my in-laws (who my mother expected to be invited as they were invited to DH’s sister’s wedding).
My dad doesn’t want to go either now. Mum and I keep crying.

There’s a lot of expectations here and even more feelings. You and your parents can feel how you feel. I think the groom’s mother and sister often feel upset and pushed out at a wedding because typically so much of the focus and planning is on the bride. It’s hurtful and disappointing.

But you don’t show your upset to your brother. You feel those feelings in private and then get on with it. I would commiserate with your parents then advise them to do the same.

slashlover · 02/04/2025 18:36

KenIsAnAccessory · 02/04/2025 15:29

I don't think you're entitled or hysterical (🥴 at this mysogynist description) or unreasonable at all. This is a clear signal that her family are more important than yours. Kudos to those who are all 'their wedding their rules' and would have no feelings about this, but back in the real world, this is really rude and I'd be offended.

It's not misogynistic, he husband and both parents are hysterical too.

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