Brother’s Wedding Would You Say Something?

[GutsyPeachExpert]

Brother announced that he and SiL were getting married in September. She wasn’t even there when he told my mother. They didn’t have engagement or a big fanfare or anything.

When they have been asked about the wedding he never knows the answer but she is more forthcoming.

Once Dad asked for a lift with something but brother said he wasn’t free as they were looking at venues so that was the only hint we got.

We have now got formal wedding invitations through the post and my two little girls 6 and 4 aren’t invited.

My mother immediately rang him as she thought it was an oversite but it is a child free wedding. My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule. However, he said they already had two flower girls from SiL’s side. We have never heard her even speak about these children.

I am so upset. I can accept logically the flower girl thing but for them not to be even there!

I don’t want a debate on children at weddings I want to know if I would be unreasonable to speak to my brother about how upset I am and to ask that they be invited.

Can they be page girls of the groom? If she can have child attendants, then do can he. It’s clearly not a child free wedding. It is simply that your children are excluded, while her relatives aren’t. My view is that a wedding is a public occasion and you organise the wedding that fits with your circumstances without causing unnecessary upset. Your brother needs to realise it is his wedding and his family celebrating too, not just his future wife’s.

I need to clarify - my life react was not for you. It’s for that PP claiming women “live life on easy mode”.

😂

Well no, the split is between people who think weddings are about whatever the couple want them to be about, and the people who think they MUST BE ABOUT FAMILY FAMILY FAMILY ONLY FAMILY.

The latter camp are rigid, inflexible, and apparently thick enough that they can't comprehend any other world view (or if they can, it's a Sad Reflection Of Modern Society, Tut Tut, Head Shake). The former camp can perfectly well understand that some people want the big multigenerational family event and that's OK. It's just not for everyone and that's OK too.

I think not inviting nieces and nephews is very poor form. The bride is starting unnecessary drama and your brother is going along with it all like a wet lettuce. I wouldn’t be going to the wedding. Why is the UK so against families and children?

Don't get some of these responses.

It's mean to invite children from SIL's side but not the brother's niece's and nephews. Really mean.

It snacks of one of these Instagram driven weddings where the only thing that matters is how the photos look for social media.

Decline the invite. Spend the money you would have spent attending their wedding and buying a gift on a nice weekend away for the four of you.

And when they have their own kids and demand everyone makes everything about their own children, refuse to play the game.

It's very mumsnet on-brand for a mother to be continually weeping uncontrollably

Oh I bet he would have a LOT to say.

I cannot imagine this is the first time his parents and sister have fomented this kind of hysterical drama.

This. He seems not bothered by the whole thing so she may as well save her money and not go. She can just say she does not have childcare.

Who are these other kids to the bride? How close are they? All family weddings nieces and nephews always being invited, was the same when I was a kid no other kids apart from that invited. I can honestly understand why you’re pissed off, I wouldn’t class that as child free wedding either when there’s 2 kids not immediately related to bride or groom!

As with most advice on mumsnet, it’s so easy just to say “burn all bridges” because no-one knows the people involved. But not attending when you’ve been invited and can easily get childcare (OP’s words) is 100% petty.

Wow. I hope you and your mother are satisfied that you've fucked this up royally, when one call to a babysitter would have sufficed.

"see the other girls as flower girls" for fuck's sake! I attended a few wedding ceremonies as a schoolgirl (then we were taken to other grandparents when the adults went to the reception) and it never ONCE entered my mind to question the arrangements, or think that I was losing out on something because other children had a different role, a different dress, a different relationship to my extended family.

What kind of entitled, self-centered people are you and your husband creating, that the kids would even have those thoughts if they saw other children dressed as attendants??? "The bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral" is not a sane way to go through life.

Maybe have a word with yourselves. Your kids are the center of your universe, not anyone else's.

It is the bride and grooms decision to invite who they want to invite however it’s also the OP and husbands decision to respond how they want to. If they are upset and unhappy about their children not being invited and don’t want to attend, it’s up to them. This is not pettiness. It is a decision. I can’t imagine not having my nieces/nephews at my wedding, especially if my partner is inviting children from his side. It’s just not nice and divides people apart.

No, because they are not invited.

That probably explains his lack of fanfare and why he tried to keep things on the down low.

Only if the drama queens make it divisive.

Pre-schoolers don't belong at adult events. There is nothing divisive about having formal, adult-only events. The children don't even need to know the wedding is taking place, if it would be that traumatic for them. "You'll spend the night with Grandma and Grandpa while mummy and dad go out. See you in the morning!" Job done.

Cool misogyny bro.

I don’t think you are at all. Weddings are about the couple, but they are also about family. Choosing not to invite his nieces whilst having her’s there is a shitty thing to do to your own sister.

I can't imagine why he didn't keep them all fully updated on every wedding plan. Surely they wouldn't have stuck their oars in at every turn and tried to make every detail about them.

I doubt anyone would give it more than five minutes thought if they did not go. The B clearly is not dependent on his family and the SIL-to-be has her own friends, family and vision for the event. It would be a shrug and then move on with enjoying their wedding.

Do you think they would spend their wedding days dissolved in tears and woe because two stroppers who aren't integral to the event stayed home?

Child free weddings are usually about one of two things (or both)

1. Numbers. We had room for 100 guests. Inviting children would have taken it to 160. We’d already cut adults as we have large families, so we simply couldn’t invite them (at £70 per head) so we chose adults over children
2. Noise and general vibe. Some people want it to be an adult environment.

You’ve said yourself, that the wedding party is excluded. You’re just annoyed that your children are not ‘the wedding party’.

Speak to your bother and find out which of the above reason it is by all means but don’t expect him to change his mind!

Its ok to be disappointed but you are being entirely over the top!

Child free or not, how sad to ‘not care’ if some of the people who you presumably do care about (because you invited them,) can’t come. Weddings are supposed to be about love, family and relationships.

Her nieces aren't going to be there, as she has no nieces.

What are you talking about? This is a wedding of the OP’s brother. Her children are close blood relations of the brother. She obviously thought he was fond of them and would want them to be flower girls if there were any. He’s clearly not fond of them. Why is she not allowed to be upset by this?

It’s not “burning bridges” to not attend a wedding when the groom is clearly not fussed if you are there or not.

Just say you won’t be able to attend and that’s that.

YABU. Their wedding, their choice. It's not about you or your children.