Page 19 | Brother’s Wedding Would You Say Something?

GutsyPeachExpert · 2025-04-02T10:05:01+00:00

Brother announced that he and SiL were getting married in September. She wasn’t even there when he told my mother. They didn’t have engagement or a big fanfare or anything. When they have been asked about the wedding he never knows the answer but she is more forthcoming. Once Dad asked for a lift with something but brother said he wasn’t free as they were looking at venues so that was the only hint we got. We have now got formal wedding invitations through the post and my two little girls 6 and 4 aren’t invited. My mother immediately rang him as she thought it was an oversite but it is a child free wedding. My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule. However, he said they already had two flower girls from SiL’s side. We have never heard her even speak about these children. I am so upset. I can accept logically the flower girl thing but for them not to be even there! I don’t want a debate on children at weddings I want to know if I would be unreasonable to speak to my brother about how upset I am and to ask that they be invited.

Purpleturtle43 · 02/04/2025 15:51

Flamingoknees · 02/04/2025 14:47

But the other children aren't guests, they are part if the bridal party, chosen from her "side" as is traditional. There is no suggestion that there are any child guests. The drama being built around this, is ridiculous.

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But they are still going to the wedding I would assume? I think it's crap, just my opinion.

Wexone · 02/04/2025 15:55

AvidAunt · 02/04/2025 15:42

I agree with this. Also, this is 100% on the brother, not future SIL. She chose to have children close to her as her flower girls. He chose not to invite his nieces.

My husband and I had a childfree wedding (in fairness, none of our siblings had children at the time, so had we had children there, it would have been friends' and cousins' children) but I did ask one of my bridesmaids if her daughter would like to be our flower girl. My BM declined, as she said she and her husband would have more fun not chasing their toddler around all weekend and that they had reliable childcare, so we just didn't have one. It never would have occurred to me to ask one of gals in my husband's family, as much as I love them and knew them well at that time.

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Similar here - Asked my sis did she want her at the time 2 year olds to be flower girls, no F way she said. She said she was looking forward to her 1st proper night out since having kids aswell as Covid and had Childcare organised for them over night. They came for a whole 10 mins ( venue was down the road from her) for photos that's all. Husbands nieces and nephews were at it but ages ranged from 20 to 13

lazycats · 02/04/2025 15:55

Crumpleton · 02/04/2025 15:49

Age is a wonderful, thing my 30 year old brain would probably be really pissed off.

My 60 something brain would be wring a polite "sorry we're unable to attend, hope you have a lovely day".
And leave them asking the questions.

Somehow I don’t think that enigmatic approach will work after the mum gave the game away

CosyLemur · 02/04/2025 15:56

OP; how would you have felt if people demanded you change your wedding preferences?

EatMoreChocolate44 · 02/04/2025 15:56

I had a child free wedding and I didn't invite my nieces or nephews. I didn't have kids then. Now I have my own kids I understand how it can seem a bit unfair but I totally understand why child free people don't want kids at their wedding. Kids change the vibe especially when alcohol is involved. I presume your brother & wife to be don't have kids and since you said you have people to babysit then I'm guessing your brother won't see an issue with child free. Maybe try to look forward to being fully present at your brother's wedding and celebrating his special day with him without any kid distractions. I understand it's disappointing for you but unfortunately it's not about you. It's their day and they aren't being unreasonable.

JudgeJ · 02/04/2025 15:57

TheHerboriste · 02/04/2025 15:49

Why shouldn't her life be all about her? She isn't obliged to make up for B's lack of relationship with his family.

I can't believe the MIL actually called to press them about inviting the children.

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As anyone who reads this site knows, her family is number one and he has to 'support' all her decisions, ie he has to pretend to agree with her whether he wants to or not, otherwise the LTB card will be played. The level of control by women is enormous.

lucywho123 · 02/04/2025 15:57

I feel like Im in the minority looking at other posts but genuinely I wouldnt enjoy my wedding if I didnt have my nieces and nephews there. It just wouldnt be an option to not invite them, my DP would be the same. Maybe it depends how close you are with your family?

YANBU but I also dont think it sounds like your brother cares

TheHerboriste · 02/04/2025 15:57

Kandalama · 02/04/2025 15:34

Would I say something to my brother….Yes of course OP. You’d have to be very heartless to not be upset at your kids not being invited to your own brothers wedding.

For those on here that keep saying the bride can do what she wants…..correction…the bride and groom can do what they want.

If this is both of their choices then of course it’s their day and their money being spent So of course they can do exactly what they like.

Its also your choice OP and I’m with your dh on this. I wouldn’t be going as I think it’s rude and heartless….. People of course can be that way and that’s fine but that doesn’t mean you have to join in.

Oh, please.
The bride is quite correct and allowed to choose her own attendants.

The brother may just be passively going along with arrangements; many people aren't all that interested in the details and drama of wedding planning.

Or, he may actively not want children at his wedding and wedding reception. That is a common and very valid choice. It's not a definitive statement about his feelings regarding the little girls. He probably doesn't want them with him at work, at GP appointments, while enjoying his hobbies and myriad other
inappropriate occasions, either.

People need to unwrap their self-worth and identity from whether or not their young children are welcome at adult-only events.

bebopalula111 · 02/04/2025 15:58

I would actually be devastated by this.
Are the girls who are the flower girls children?
if so then it’s not child free.
I agree that it’s up to the bride and good who they have at their wedding but to intentionally not invite their only nieces is poor.
this would actually break my relationship with my brother.

Wonderwall23 · 02/04/2025 15:58

I was about to respond with my usual uppity view about these sorts of threads with a 'their wedding, their choice', 'people shouldn't act so entitled', 'why is it such a big drama to go to something without your children (or partner in some cases)' etc., all of which are my views.

But actually, in this case I don't think you are unreasonable to feel hurt.

In real life, surely if you were having a child free wedding you'd explain that verbally to your own sister rather than breaking it to her by omitting their names from the invite! And not only that but to then say it's because it's child free when it clearly isn't as there are flower girls going...who on paper arent even as close! At best he is completely thoughtless and at worst very weak.

Your DH is being unreasonable about them not being flower girls and I wouldn't focus on that particular battle.

I do think you and your mum are riling each other up a bit. But in this scenario I probably would say something but only very calmly and just in terms of how hurt you are. And then I'd just accept it (I wouldn't not go).

TheHerboriste · 02/04/2025 15:58

Purpleturtle43 · 02/04/2025 15:51

But they are still going to the wedding I would assume? I think it's crap, just my opinion.

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Absurd.

CosyLemur · 02/04/2025 15:59

GutsyPeachExpert · 02/04/2025 13:29

My mother rang her own son to ask if I had been mistaken re: my children. She had an honest conversation with him.

We are not an hysterical family we are angered and upset because my children are excluded from my brother’s wedding.

We are not blaming my SiL, who I do like. She is of course perfectly entitled to have who she wants as flowergirls.

My brother not discussing the wedding is typical of him generally not because he thought we would make his wedding about us which we aren’t, we just want two well behaved children included as there are two other children invited.

My in-laws reached out to my parents as soon as we became serious. They invited us all including brother’s then partner to many of their events and we were all invited to DH’s sister’s wedding.

Honestly you're already making this wedding all about what you all want by "just wanting 2 well behaved children to be invited"
Maybe your DB and SIL don't feel they're as well behaved as you think they are?

GlenmoreSprings · 02/04/2025 16:00

He doesn’t care. It isn’t going to make a difference whether you talk to him or not. I don’t recommend asking for the girls to be invited, you don’t want a pity invite. I agree with your husband, I also wouldn’t go. I understand “child free” weddings but this wedding is not. The bride has children coming from her side- your brother clearly doesn’t care enough to say “I want my nieces there”. I also wouldn’t expect a loving relationship with either of them going forward. Sometimes you need to set boundaries, it doesn’t matter whether they are family or not.

Iceandfire92 · 02/04/2025 16:00

I wonder how those poor kids who haven't been invited have been parented with generations of a family so lacking in resilience. The reactions to a perfectly normal wedding scenario from OP's DH and DF, the OP's "my heart" and the hysterics from the entire family have been preposterous. This has probably resulted in a whiny pair of brats whose entitled parents probably never say no to them, think they are centre of the universe and are more than willing to bulldoze them into a wedding they are not invited to. I would love to hear OP's brother's side of the story.

TheHerboriste · 02/04/2025 16:00

bebopalula111 · 02/04/2025 15:58

I would actually be devastated by this.
Are the girls who are the flower girls children?
if so then it’s not child free.
I agree that it’s up to the bride and good who they have at their wedding but to intentionally not invite their only nieces is poor.
this would actually break my relationship with my brother.

It is child-guest free.

OP's kids have no claim on a role in the wedding party. The bride selects her own attendants. We have no idea the backstory or about how close she is to these children. Maybe she just thinks they are cute. It's her call.

The brother could invite OP's daughters to be his attendants if he wanted to; clearly he doesn't. Therefore they are not members of the wedding party, and outside the wedding party there are no child guests welcome. OP's daughters are not being singled out. Get a grip, everyone.

lazycats · 02/04/2025 16:01

GlenmoreSprings · 02/04/2025 16:00

He doesn’t care. It isn’t going to make a difference whether you talk to him or not. I don’t recommend asking for the girls to be invited, you don’t want a pity invite. I agree with your husband, I also wouldn’t go. I understand “child free” weddings but this wedding is not. The bride has children coming from her side- your brother clearly doesn’t care enough to say “I want my nieces there”. I also wouldn’t expect a loving relationship with either of them going forward. Sometimes you need to set boundaries, it doesn’t matter whether they are family or not.

This level of pettiness is mind-boggling and so much worse than the original (perceived) slight.

TheHerboriste · 02/04/2025 16:01

Iceandfire92 · 02/04/2025 16:00

I wonder how those poor kids who haven't been invited have been parented with generations of a family so lacking in resilience. The reactions to a perfectly normal wedding scenario from OP's DH and DF, the OP's "my heart" and the hysterics from the entire family have been preposterous. This has probably resulted in a whiny pair of brats whose entitled parents probably never say no to them, think they are centre of the universe and are more than willing to bulldoze them into a wedding they are not invited to. I would love to hear OP's brother's side of the story.

Edited

Same here. It would be enlightening to buy him a pint or two and get the behind-the-scenes scoop.

Nameychangington · 02/04/2025 16:02

JudgeJ · 02/04/2025 15:57

As anyone who reads this site knows, her family is number one and he has to 'support' all her decisions, ie he has to pretend to agree with her whether he wants to or not, otherwise the LTB card will be played. The level of control by women is enormous.

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Are you the poster on that other thread who said woman live life on easy mode? Because otherwise I can make no sense of this.

You can make your own thread if you want to have a discussion about poor downbeaten menz. We have no evidence that OPs DB isn't driving this decision.

Retiroark · 02/04/2025 16:02

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Outofthepan · 02/04/2025 16:03

Iceandfire92 · 02/04/2025 16:00

I wonder how those poor kids who haven't been invited have been parented with generations of a family so lacking in resilience. The reactions to a perfectly normal wedding scenario from OP's DH and DF, the OP's "my heart" and the hysterics from the entire family have been preposterous. This has probably resulted in a whiny pair of brats whose entitled parents probably never say no to them, think they are centre of the universe and are more than willing to bulldoze them into a wedding they are not invited to. I would love to hear OP's brother's side of the story.

Edited

Yes @Iceandfire92 that would be interesting!

Iceandfire92 · 02/04/2025 16:03

TheHerboriste · 02/04/2025 16:01

Same here. It would be enlightening to buy him a pint or two and get the behind-the-scenes scoop.

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It's also apparent who OP's parents deem to be the golden child out of her and her brother!

Goldbar · 02/04/2025 16:04

lazycats · 02/04/2025 16:01

This level of pettiness is mind-boggling and so much worse than the original (perceived) slight.

Edited

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I don't see the pettiness here, I'm afraid. I suspect the brother isn't that bothered about his sister or her children attending the wedding. So why should the OP put herself out to go when he's obviously not that bothered about having them there?

JHound · 02/04/2025 16:04

JudgeJ · 02/04/2025 15:40

I wonder if men want to disengage from their birth family or if this is forced upon them by she who must be obeyed?

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I think it’s both. It could not be imposed if they did not go along with it. My brother was like this. Could not be arsed with family and friends once he married.

They got divorced and he worked his way back.

Bogginsthe3rd · 02/04/2025 16:05

GutsyPeachExpert · 02/04/2025 14:12

My brother knows nothing about my dad and husband’s reactions.

You should just tell him. However it's their wedding and if it's child free, it's child free. End of story. Overall if you or DH don't go it will cause greater problems and is far more petty than having a no children rule. Some people don't want screaming kids about and don't like double standards either.

TheHerboriste · 02/04/2025 16:05

MayaPinion · 02/04/2025 15:35

What a load of drama. It’s one day. Maybe they thought you’d like to use it as a chance to let your hair down and enjoy a child free day out. What exactly is the big deal about your children not being invited? You’ll have to look after them all day, they’ll probably be served food they won’t like and you’ll have to faff around with Tracker bars or something, and you’ll have to go home early when they get tired and grumpy. Kids are a pain in the neck at weddings. It’s far more fun when you don’t have to look after your own, or even worse, somebody else’s children.

Because people without much of a life of their own grasp at the opportunity to show off their big achievement, their offspring, in my past observation. They take it as a personal slight if their own flesh and blood aren't center stage no matter what the occasion.

Otherwise what is the problem? Children of this age won't even remember the wedding. Stay home with a sitter, have some popcorn and a film, and go to bed as normal. Job done, and by the next day it will all be forgotten. But no, let's gin up all sorts of family fueds and drama because precious little Evvie and Lily didn't get the accolades their parents think they are entitled to.