Brother’s Wedding Would You Say Something?

[GutsyPeachExpert]

Brother announced that he and SiL were getting married in September. She wasn’t even there when he told my mother. They didn’t have engagement or a big fanfare or anything.

When they have been asked about the wedding he never knows the answer but she is more forthcoming.

Once Dad asked for a lift with something but brother said he wasn’t free as they were looking at venues so that was the only hint we got.

We have now got formal wedding invitations through the post and my two little girls 6 and 4 aren’t invited.

My mother immediately rang him as she thought it was an oversite but it is a child free wedding. My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule. However, he said they already had two flower girls from SiL’s side. We have never heard her even speak about these children.

I am so upset. I can accept logically the flower girl thing but for them not to be even there!

I don’t want a debate on children at weddings I want to know if I would be unreasonable to speak to my brother about how upset I am and to ask that they be invited.

Weddings are about family to you. Other people's weddings can be about whatever they want them to be about: themselves, their hobby, their cat, the moon. Their party, their decision.

I'm not seeing any acknowledgement in your post that your brother had the wedding he wanted, and is living the life he wanted with his own priorities? He's entitled to do that.

See I would see this as good you found out and can have a more honest relationship Going forward where you both know what is important to each other separately and where the land lies

I can understand your upset. Especially for your parents for whom it’s a lovely occasion to have all their precious family celebrating together.

Traditionally, it was always the bride who chose the bridesmaids from her side and the groom who chose the best man and ushers from his. This was accepted as normal. But the bride would normally pay consideration to the groom’s nieces if she knew them well and wanted little flower girls too. It’s a nice way to bring the families together and she has missed a trick there for sure.

Clearly your DB is going along with his GF’s wishes and her family is heavily involved in the planning. He knows from your mum that you are upset and isn’t willing to upset the bride over her decisions, budget and planning which is probably well under way.
I think it’s rather mean and short sighted of her. But the thing is, you are going to have to try to get along with her being in your family and so I would try to make the best of it somehow, if you can rather than creating a storm where, to her side of the family you will look pushy or interfering.

Maybe play the wedding right down at home with your DDs beforehand and you just go along to support your parents on the day, leaving your DH to do something nice with your children.

OP, I wouldn’t have a word with your DB about it. You already know it’s not an oversight. You wouldn’t want your children there knowing they were only there under sufferance. The damage has been done already. Try to get passed it and try not to make it worse than it already is. I know it’s heart breaking, especially if you have been a close family before this but it really is best that your mum especially, isn’t alienated from her new DIL.

This is why I'll never have a wedding because people like you cause unnecessary drama and want to control someone else's day. You've caused so much drama over nothing and split the family over it and that will always be a dark cloud as a memory even if the day itself is good.

its their wedding not yours, your mums or anyone else's, no need to emotionally blackmail your brother, if they aren't invited they aren't invited.

flower girls are from brides side of family as tradition IIRC

How do you know the groom hasn’t ’pushed out’ his own family?

Not sure why men always seem to be presented as weak willed and without agency in these situations. Is it required to ultimately be a woman’s fault?

If it causes any family issues that is on OP, throwing her toys out the pram because her kids aren’t invited 🙄

It is all about the bride and groom because it’s their wedding. It’s celebrating their love. It isn’t just a party like any other. If you don’t understand that it’s quite a concern.

Or alternatively the brother can stand by their decision but understand he might have caused a rift with his sister. His wedding, his choice, but choices have consequences. He has caused this issue not the OP. He’s basically acknowledged that the children of a friend of his bride to be are more important to him to be at HIS wedding than his sister’s children.

IME, the groom has little to do with organising, my DH just let me crack on, which I quite liked. It's their day, they can do as they like, but claiming it's a 'child free wedding' with 2 flower girls is a bit dodgy!

I can understand the hurt, but crying over it isn't going to miraculously change their minds. Why get your dh all riled up? And why does your mum think she can call your db out on this?

This is why we eloped! It would appear impossible not to upset someone, and have other people trying to make it all about them - eloping solved all of that...

OP, I get that you're upset, but these folk can be married however they choose to, it's not something you can control. And like other posters have said, your DC are young enough to be bored and potentially fidgety - in your position I'd go to the wedding with your DH as per the invitation.

I think you’ll find weddings are about the bride and groom, the two people getting married.

B&G are perfectly entitled to do what they want with their wedding. Just like any perspective guest is perfectly entitled to decline their invite. It’s really not that difficult.

Really don’t understand some of the cunty replies here. These aren’t random kids, it’s his nieces. Every child free wedding I’ve been to, nieces and nephews have been included. I’m not surprised you’re upset OP, you need an honest conversation with your brother about this.

Exactly. I'd uninvite all of them, tbh. The drama, the histrionics, so childish and ridiculous. Sister crying, mother crying and insisting on an invitation for completely unrelated inlaws, dad 'doesn't want to go anymore', husband is also throwing some sort of strop.. Just because two kids weren't invited.

IT'S NOT YOUR WEDDING and you don't get to dictate who should be invited. Just don't go. Something tells me, your brother would breathe a sigh of relief.

It's not "child free" if they're having other flower girls though, they're just not inviting his sisters kids...

Your SIL doesn't like you and your kids, unfortunately. And she wears the trousers, and your brother hasn't really got any balls.

A bit silly of them really as they've ended up causing a bit family rift that could've been avoided if they'd stuck to the no children time entirely, or invited your kids. I'm a firm believer in your wedding, your choice (we were going round in circles arguing about our wedding last year, we ended up inviting nobody other than parents and our own 2 kids, and even that caused an issue) BUT you have to be consistent or else you'll end up upsetting people. Which is what your brother has done. This might make me a hypocrite considering how I did my wedding, and the subsequent falling out with my MIL because she made it very obvious she was angry at nobody being invited, but if I were you, I'd accept the shunning and reciprocate with glee. Maybe even your parents will too, and that'll be food for thought got your brother and SIL that you need to treat people with fairness if you want a relationship with them.

Yep they should cut them all off! Who needs family?! Better to just not speak to them all ever again!!!

And me! Especially children that are so close to the people getting married. Just seems mean to me!

It's their wedding to have as they choose. You are being unreasonable asking them to change what they want.

WTF expecting your husband's family to be invited. Just because one person did something one way doesn't mean a different person can't do something they say they want.

Your family sounds wild. Crying and throwing fits sover who isn't invited, sheesh. Boycotting the wedding because of you having a tantrum over it being child free is a hell of a way to tank family relationships for good.

Personally I don’t get the whole ‘ it’s your day do whatever the feck you want’ thing for weddings. Why would you not consider the feelings of people you like enough to invite to your wedding? If someone upset me I’d talk to them about it, even if it was about a wedding invite.

This.

I get how you feel OP having had similar issues in my family. My guess is that it's finding this out via an invite in the post rather than an actual conversation that is the most upsetting thing here. One of my brothers did similar (in his case we were only invited to an evening reception but he didn't tell any of this and we were expected to work this out for ourselves and not ask them about it. I actually thought they'd forgotten to put the day invite in which was an awkward conversation. I'd been asked to make the cake before the invites came out which made it all even stranger. He lives round the corner from me and we used to see each other every week). It made me realise the relationship i thought i had with him didn't actually exist and he really didn't want anything to do with us unless it benefited him. It has irreparably altered our relationship to the point of non existence. I would think about how you want your relationship to go forward before deciding whether this is something you can suck up or not.

I understand why people want child free weddings but tbh I think it’s actually really mean to exclude direct families kids. Weddings are about joining each others family and coming together surely.

His fiancée is the one that actually shares info with them, so perhaps she likes them more than he does? It’s entirely possible that’s he’s actively made the decision to minimize his family’s involvement and she’s respecting his wishes when it comes to his own family.

Him making a decision his mother and sister dislike doesn’t mean his fiancée has his balls (is the issue that he doesn’t have his balls? Or that his fiancée has them when it should be his mother and sister in possession?). He’s a grown ass man, fully capable of involving his family, or insisting on the involvement of his family, if that’s what he wanted.

OP I get it. A wedding is about celebrating with your nearest and dearest. And it now seems all of your DB’s family won’t be there. And he hasn’t invited his nieces but two other random girls are going to be there.

I realise on MN that everything must go through the particular side of the family but can someone not call future SIL and ask why they weren’t invited? As she seems to be the one driving all the wedding decisions.

It might be because I hate child-free weddings (I think it should be upto the adults to decide if they would like to bring the children or not depending on whose wedding it is). People newest to the family who look up to us and are excited to celebrate with are then banned. The same people always moan when they have children and suddenly can’t attend. It’s a family occasion for crying out loud.

I am in horrified awe of soon-to-be SIL marrying into this level of overly entangled, emotionally immature, rampantly narcissist, histrionic family dramatics. She's either optimistic or oblivious. Blinded by love? MN will be here when you need us, SIL.