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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Called the police

880 replies

Highfivemum · 02/04/2025 10:41

Had a person contact me previously stating that we shared the same parent. It could be true as had a very difficult and complicated childhood and one which I don’t want to remember. My DB and I chose to ignore it. Two days ago had a visit from a person stating they were related. I shut the door in their face. It was a huge shock and triggered every bad memory though I understand I should have acted better. Yesterday the door went again and it was a different person who also stated they were family and could they talk. I again shut the door. DH was going to stay at home today but had a meeting he had to go to and as soon as DH left for work the door goes again and it is both of them. I shut the door again and I called the police. I know it is not a police issue but I literally am sitting here shaking. DH is on his way home and DB can’t be contacted as away on business. I feel crazy for calling the police and no idea what they will say to me but I was so worried and panicked. Anyone know what can be done. ? I don’t want to know these people
and have no idea how they have traced me and found out my address. It is a mess and I feel ill with worry.

OP posts:
CalleOcho · 02/04/2025 12:45

housethatbuiltme · 02/04/2025 12:40

I don't think you need the police as much as a Dr referral for anxiety.

Its quite an extreme overreaction to be having to someone knocking on your door (and I say that as one of the 'dreaded' mumsneters that often ignores the door because I can't be arsed with dealing with people).

These people have done nothing to you and yet you are panicking (over what?), slamming doors in faces and calling the police when no crime has occurred. You are acting in fight or flight mode which is very extreme for something that could be sorted with a simple conversation (didn't even need to be in person).

You don't know these people, they just have questions about a possible shared linked. You do not need to have an ongoing relationship with them but why you wouldn't just ask/answer basic questions to even see what the crux (examples: 'yes, xxx was my father', 'no I don't know where xxx is, we don't have a relationship nor wish too' and/or simply 'who are you?' and 'why are you contacting me?') of this and explain your position/reasoning ('I'm sorry if its not the outcome you wished for but I do not wish to be in ongoing contact past this point' etc...) to them is is bizarre and not the normal reaction.

Are you for real?

These people have done nothing?

These people are harassing her!

These people are not entitled to the OP’s time or entitled to any information about her.

I understand they may have questions for her but they are going about this in the complete wrong way. They are behaving appallingly. They’re basically stalking her.

They are making the OP feel uncomfortable and panicked in her own home. Please don’t try and guilt trip or patronise her into thinking she should welcome these people with open arms and grace.

Jellyfishcoolimg · 02/04/2025 12:45

itsgettingweird · 02/04/2025 12:42

It is a police issue. Harassment at best and stalking at worst.

No it isn't.

tilypu · 02/04/2025 12:46

Jellyfishcoolimg · 02/04/2025 12:29

No it does matter.

Because the very first thing considered by the Police or CPS in the offence of harassment is:

(1)Every individual has a right to be free from harassment and, accordingly, a person must not pursue a course of conduct which amounts to harassment of another and—

(a)is intended to amount to harassment of that person; or

(b)occurs in circumstances where it would appear to a reasonable person that it would amount to harassment of that person.

And neither of these things apply here.

Somebody knocking on your door twice is nor harassment. Regardless of the 'feelings' of anyone. We have no evidence that the knockers are intending to harass the OP and as you see from this thread, most reasonable people do not think it's harassment to have someone who thinks they have some important information for you or important questions knocking on the door twice when the person refuses to talk to them as 'harassment'.

And that's without the other elements that make up harassment in law. This is just the first hurdle.

It's SO important that people understand the law and don't just throw around legal terms without understanding them.

And equally as important that people don't waste Police time on things that aren't criminal offences because of how they 'feel'

We have an under-resourced, under-funded Police force as it is.

Show quote history

A knock on the door one day, with the people going away wouldn't be harassment. Same the second time. But three days in a row, and they aren't getting the message and leaving the property - that to my mind absolutely fits the criteria set out in (b) - 'occurs in circumstances where it would appear to a reasonable person that it would amount to harassment of that person.'

Megifer · 02/04/2025 12:47

Yanbu op.

I wouldn't engage either. At all. The fact you've shut the door - making it absolutely clear to any reasonable person you do not wish to speak to them - and they continue to stalk you would mean iiwm I'd absolutely call the police. Every time.

Richiewoo · 02/04/2025 12:47

They should have got the message when you shut the door on them. Coming round 3 times is harassment

pinkdelight · 02/04/2025 12:48

What if they’ve just found out their true parentage? Maybe the man they thought was Dad isn’t actually? Maybe they had a shit upbringing too? Maybe they’re trying to bring someone to justice’

What if... has nothing to do with the OP. She's very clear she wants nothing to with them and she has to look out for her own wellbeing, no obligation to them.

WearyAuldWumman · 02/04/2025 12:49

CalleOcho · 02/04/2025 12:36

They have the OP’s address.

If they have important information regarding inheritance or medical issues then they can post a letter.

By knocking on her door and loitering around her home they are evidently wanting to come inside and talk to her. Possibly for information on their past. It is way too intrusive.

Would you be comfortable letting some complete strangers into your home for a cuppa and a chat about a traumatic childhood/past totally out of the blue? Honestly?

Show quote history

Agreed.

When I was executor of a family estate, one of the households concerned had cut contact with me. Therefore, all correspondence took place via the solicitor.

CalleOcho · 02/04/2025 12:49

Jellyfishcoolimg · 02/04/2025 12:45

No it isn't.

Show quote history

It absolutely is.

Are you here just to argue with people and invalidate the OP’s experience?

Are you currently loitering outside a woman’s house after knocking on her door several times?

AdoraBell · 02/04/2025 12:49

I’ve only the OP’s posts.

I hope they leave when your DH arrives and leave you alone. Do you have a Ring doorbell or similar?

saraclara · 02/04/2025 12:51

I hope your husband is now home and dealing with them. I get that some people are desperate to find family, but this behaviour is odd. And yes, they could easily put a note through the door rather than lurk around.

saraclara · 02/04/2025 12:51

Have you taken a photo of them by any chance?

Jellyfishcoolimg · 02/04/2025 12:53

CalleOcho · 02/04/2025 12:45

Are you for real?

These people have done nothing?

These people are harassing her!

These people are not entitled to the OP’s time or entitled to any information about her.

I understand they may have questions for her but they are going about this in the complete wrong way. They are behaving appallingly. They’re basically stalking her.

They are making the OP feel uncomfortable and panicked in her own home. Please don’t try and guilt trip or patronise her into thinking she should welcome these people with open arms and grace.

Show quote history

Nobody's saying that. Hyperbole saying she should invite them in.

They're saying it's not a Police matter to have someone knock on your door twice.

That isn't harassment in any sense of the legal definition.

All OP has to do is say 'whatever it is you want to say, I'm not interested. Please leave me alone'

Then if they persist she'll possibly have a case for complaint to the Police.

Expecting the Police to come and deal with what is not in any way and Police matter is what posters are saying is incorrect.

Not the OP not wanting to talk to them, or feel uncomfortable or traumatised or whatever. That's valid.

She's an adult who needs to communicate her wants. Not slam the door in someone's face then expect the Police to do her uncomfortable work for her.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 02/04/2025 12:53

Blimey! If someone slammed the door in my face, I wouldn’t darken doorstep ever again. Are they after a kidney?

Elunajeya · 02/04/2025 12:53

Maybe they are desperate for answers, must take guts to knock on someone’s door and say ‘we’re related’.

What if they’ve just found out their true parentage? Maybe the man they thought was Dad isn’t actually? Maybe they had a shit
upbringing too? Maybe they’re trying to bring someone to justice

Who cares what they want? OP doesn’t have to find out. She doesn’t owe them anything. It’s irrelevant what two strangers on your doorstep want, or feel.

I can’t imagine the gall of turning up on someone’s doorstep, thinking they need to get to know you, or deal with you because you’ve some questions, when they clearly don’t want to. Take your trauma elsewhere and stop pushing it on to other people.

Bogginsthe3rd · 02/04/2025 12:54

Who do you think you are ? (Pun intended). Although daunting I do think you need to be clear with your potential relatives outside and simply say that at this moment you would like a letter only and then you will decide if you can respond. Ask for no further contact before this. This is all you need to do calmly. But saying nothing of course they will return and indeed they themselves will have been through a huge emotional process to work up to this point only to have a door slammed in their face.

WearyAuldWumman · 02/04/2025 12:56

Elunajeya · 02/04/2025 12:53

Maybe they are desperate for answers, must take guts to knock on someone’s door and say ‘we’re related’.

What if they’ve just found out their true parentage? Maybe the man they thought was Dad isn’t actually? Maybe they had a shit
upbringing too? Maybe they’re trying to bring someone to justice

Who cares what they want? OP doesn’t have to find out. She doesn’t owe them anything. It’s irrelevant what two strangers on your doorstep want, or feel.

I can’t imagine the gall of turning up on someone’s doorstep, thinking they need to get to know you, or deal with you because you’ve some questions, when they clearly don’t want to. Take your trauma elsewhere and stop pushing it on to other people.

Edited

Agreed. You can't push these things.

Someone I know did what you're told not to do - phoned their sibling. The sibling knew nothing about them, but said that the info fitted. The person who did the phoning then waited for the sibling to get back in touch with them, however.

It did work out well, but they would have just left things if the other side hadn't wanted to stay in touch.

MzHz · 02/04/2025 12:56

@Highfivemum how frightening and upsetting for you. your last post said DH is 3m away so hoping he is with you now and that this will help manage this situation.

thinking of you

pinkdelight · 02/04/2025 12:56

All OP has to do is say 'whatever it is you want to say, I'm not interested. Please leave me alone'

On what planet does slamming the door in someone's face not say exactly that and then some??

sandyhappypeople · 02/04/2025 12:57

I'm hoping OPs DH has had a word with them and they have relayed whatever message they were there to relay, and he can categorically inform them exactly where OP stands with regards to contact from anyone in the family and make her position known on her behalf.

She can choose to know what they said or not.

OP has had 3/4 threads about various contact over the years and each time it hits her like a ton of bricks, massive trauma each time, her past is not being dealt with, it is being ignored, and ignoring it is obviously not doing anything for her or her brothers mental health, having a go between buffer like her husband would be the better way to fuck off any unwanted attention, otherwise the fear of them emailing, writing letters or turning up at the door will always be there surely? It really is no way to live.

chakrakkhan · 02/04/2025 12:57

Bogginsthe3rd · 02/04/2025 12:54

Who do you think you are ? (Pun intended). Although daunting I do think you need to be clear with your potential relatives outside and simply say that at this moment you would like a letter only and then you will decide if you can respond. Ask for no further contact before this. This is all you need to do calmly. But saying nothing of course they will return and indeed they themselves will have been through a huge emotional process to work up to this point only to have a door slammed in their face.

Shutting the door, three times, makes things perfectly clear. Most normal people wouldn’t have returned after the first time.

TheJinxMinx · 02/04/2025 12:57

Perhaps write it in a letter saying its too distressing for me to discuss this issue i appreciate you want a relationship but I do not please do not call again then hand them they letter should they return its not a police issue for sure I can see why they are reaching out but its totally up to you If you don't want to engage thats why a letter might be a good idea

SatsumaDog · 02/04/2025 12:58

They do seem very persistent. If it were me, I wouldn’t have turned up a second time. Given how keen they are to speak to op, I do wonder what it is they want. I would be tempted to speak to them briefly to understand they motives and then let them know it’s not something I wish to pursue and ask them not to contact me again. That way it’s been made very clear where you stand.

MzHz · 02/04/2025 12:59

Bogginsthe3rd · 02/04/2025 12:54

Who do you think you are ? (Pun intended). Although daunting I do think you need to be clear with your potential relatives outside and simply say that at this moment you would like a letter only and then you will decide if you can respond. Ask for no further contact before this. This is all you need to do calmly. But saying nothing of course they will return and indeed they themselves will have been through a huge emotional process to work up to this point only to have a door slammed in their face.

Like fuck would i go back to a house where the door had been slammed in my face - twice! FFS Its not a matter of 'well of course they will some back' or 'well they want info/answers' so what!?

of course these people could and should have written to @Highfivemum at this point to reassure, but ultimately they will have to accept that she doesn't want to know them.

and that is a totally valid response from her.

Brainstorm23 · 02/04/2025 12:59

44PumpLane · 02/04/2025 11:13

Write out a quick letter saying you do not wish to be contacted again and to please go away, keep it by the front door and if they turn up again hand it to them and shut the door

That way you don't have to engage but it gets the message over.

Great idea. I was just about to suggest that.

helpfulperson · 02/04/2025 12:59

CalleOcho · 02/04/2025 12:45

Are you for real?

These people have done nothing?

These people are harassing her!

These people are not entitled to the OP’s time or entitled to any information about her.

I understand they may have questions for her but they are going about this in the complete wrong way. They are behaving appallingly. They’re basically stalking her.

They are making the OP feel uncomfortable and panicked in her own home. Please don’t try and guilt trip or patronise her into thinking she should welcome these people with open arms and grace.

Show quote history

Absolutely this. Their behaviour has demonstrated that you are best not getting involved.