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AIBU?

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Original poster

Called the police

880 replies

Highfivemum · 02/04/2025 10:41

Had a person contact me previously stating that we shared the same parent. It could be true as had a very difficult and complicated childhood and one which I don’t want to remember. My DB and I chose to ignore it. Two days ago had a visit from a person stating they were related. I shut the door in their face. It was a huge shock and triggered every bad memory though I understand I should have acted better. Yesterday the door went again and it was a different person who also stated they were family and could they talk. I again shut the door. DH was going to stay at home today but had a meeting he had to go to and as soon as DH left for work the door goes again and it is both of them. I shut the door again and I called the police. I know it is not a police issue but I literally am sitting here shaking. DH is on his way home and DB can’t be contacted as away on business. I feel crazy for calling the police and no idea what they will say to me but I was so worried and panicked. Anyone know what can be done. ? I don’t want to know these people
and have no idea how they have traced me and found out my address. It is a mess and I feel ill with worry.

OP posts:
Jellyfishcoolimg · 02/04/2025 12:29

krustykittens · 02/04/2025 12:07

The Protection from Harassment Act 1997 indicates that someone’s actions amount to harassment when they make the victim feel distressed, humiliated, threatened or fearful of further violence. The main goal of harassment is to persuade victims either not to do something that they are entitled or required to do or to do something that they are not obliged to do. Actions listed under the Protection from Harassment Act include, but are not limited to:

  • phone calls
  • letters
  • emails
  • visits
  • stalking
  • verbal abuse of any kind, including on social media
  • threats
  • damage to property
  • bodily harm[2].
Such actions amount to harassment when they occur more than once.

Please note the use of the word 'feel'. It doesn't mean the police will get involved but it doesn't mean the OP was unreasonable either.

Show quote history

No it does matter.

Because the very first thing considered by the Police or CPS in the offence of harassment is:

(1)Every individual has a right to be free from harassment and, accordingly, a person must not pursue a course of conduct which amounts to harassment of another and—

(a)is intended to amount to harassment of that person; or

(b)occurs in circumstances where it would appear to a reasonable person that it would amount to harassment of that person.

And neither of these things apply here.

Somebody knocking on your door twice is nor harassment. Regardless of the 'feelings' of anyone. We have no evidence that the knockers are intending to harass the OP and as you see from this thread, most reasonable people do not think it's harassment to have someone who thinks they have some important information for you or important questions knocking on the door twice when the person refuses to talk to them as 'harassment'.

And that's without the other elements that make up harassment in law. This is just the first hurdle.

It's SO important that people understand the law and don't just throw around legal terms without understanding them.

And equally as important that people don't waste Police time on things that aren't criminal offences because of how they 'feel'

We have an under-resourced, under-funded Police force as it is.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 02/04/2025 12:30

It doesn’t matter what they want or why they are there, OP doesn’t want contact and that’s the end of it.

OP, I would write a note that says “I do not want you to contact me again in any way and any further attempt to contact me or fail to leave my property will be viewed as harassment and the police contacted accordingly”.

Keep a copy - a photo on your phone is good as it’s time/date stamped, then give it to them.

Then call the police again if they do persist because then it IS harassment and it IS a police matter.

Plumpishly · 02/04/2025 12:30

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chakrakkhan · 02/04/2025 12:32

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Why on earth should she?! She wants nothing to do with them. Clearly, by shutting the door and ignoring them! She absolutely does not need to give anyone a chance!

ShortColdandGrey · 02/04/2025 12:32

I think it is pretty rude that they keep coming to your door. The fact that you have shut the door on them 3 times should give them the hint that you do not want to talk to them.

40YearOldDad · 02/04/2025 12:34

So they may have questions, they could have sent a letter and if it went with no reply they could have assumed somone had moved etc and turning up could be a last ditch attempt to make contcat or find any information they can if they are desperate to speak with someone.

The op clearly has no desire to speak to them and thats fine, just like it's fine that they want to speak to the OP. But if this is not communicated they will contine untill they find answears.

I'm not saying they way they have gone about it is brilliant but i can understand the reasons behind it.

SerafinasGoose · 02/04/2025 12:35

uncomfortablydumb60 · 02/04/2025 11:01

It’s not a police matter unless they are harassing you constantly.
I would treat them like Jehovahs witnesses and say “ sorry, not interested” and then Shut the door.
They probably keep trying because you haven’t actually said anything.

These responses are surprising.

I'm not sure about anyone else, but I'd take a door being closed on my face - on more than one occasion even - as a clear signal that I wasn't wanted!

CalleOcho · 02/04/2025 12:36

AthWat · 02/04/2025 12:24

As I have said already , maybe it's news of a million pound inheritance - ok, maybe the OP wouldn't want that, but plenty would, and knocking on the door a couple of times wouldn't be considered too intrusive by most people in that case. Maybe they need to tell her of an inherited medical condition she could be in danger from. She's assuming they just want to get to know her or pass on news she doesn't want; she doesn't know that.

Edited
Show quote history

They have the OP’s address.

If they have important information regarding inheritance or medical issues then they can post a letter.

By knocking on her door and loitering around her home they are evidently wanting to come inside and talk to her. Possibly for information on their past. It is way too intrusive.

Would you be comfortable letting some complete strangers into your home for a cuppa and a chat about a traumatic childhood/past totally out of the blue? Honestly?

JSMill · 02/04/2025 12:37

It absolutely is a police matter. They are harassing you and causing you to feel intimidated in your own home. They problem is that as you don’t know their identity, the police can’t do much.

Moveoverdarlin · 02/04/2025 12:38

I think this is one of those scenarios where as an adult you may have to actually speak. People keep saying they turned up unannounced, but OP ignored their email, so had they said ‘please can we meet and talk?’ She would have ignored it. Slamming the door is just burying your head in the sand. You’d feel better knowing what they want.

Maybe they are desperate for answers, must take guts to knock on someone’s door and say ‘we’re related’.

What if they’ve just found out their true parentage? Maybe the man they thought was Dad isn’t actually? Maybe they had a shit upbringing too? Maybe they’re trying to bring someone to justice’

I would go out there and say ‘Look, I don’t mean to be rude but I had a terrible time growing up, the thought of raking it up and hearing your story is just too traumatic.’ See what they say. They might just need some basic info from you? A date, an address. They might need to hear you say ‘He was an awful man, don’t dig any further.’

I would have to speak to them, calling the Police is just OTT. I’d ring them back and say the matter is sorted.

AthWat · 02/04/2025 12:38

chakrakkhan · 02/04/2025 12:32

Why on earth should she?! She wants nothing to do with them. Clearly, by shutting the door and ignoring them! She absolutely does not need to give anyone a chance!

Show quote history

Because if you won't let someone tell why they want to talk to you, you can't know how important it is to you. You just have assumptions. It's like shouting "not today thank you" and slamming the door on someone who has come to tell you your roof is on fire. Until the OP actually knows why they are there and says she isn't interested, they might well continue to thnk that if she would let them tell her why they are there, she would be interested. They might even be right.

Melroses · 02/04/2025 12:38

There is nothing to say these people are who they say they are.

Have they given the OP their names and addresses?

pimplebum · 02/04/2025 12:39

Whilst I am obviously very sorry for your childhood , the people on the doorstep have no knowledge of that nor are they responsible

i feel really sorry for them , they were hoping for ( and clearly desperate for ) a reunion or answers of some kind

can you not email them and explain , however distressed you are, you don’t know what they are going through too

also you are highly traumatised and need help but I you know that

diddl · 02/04/2025 12:40

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Op already knows.

housethatbuiltme · 02/04/2025 12:40

I don't think you need the police as much as a Dr referral for anxiety.

Its quite an extreme overreaction to be having to someone knocking on your door (and I say that as one of the 'dreaded' mumsneters that often ignores the door because I can't be arsed with dealing with people).

These people have done nothing to you and yet you are panicking (over what?), slamming doors in faces and calling the police when no crime has occurred. You are acting in fight or flight mode which is very extreme for something that could be sorted with a simple conversation (didn't even need to be in person).

You don't know these people, they just have questions about a possible shared linked. You do not need to have an ongoing relationship with them but why you wouldn't just ask/answer basic questions to even see what the crux (examples: 'yes, xxx was my father', 'no I don't know where xxx is, we don't have a relationship nor wish too' and/or simply 'who are you?' and 'why are you contacting me?') of this and explain your position/reasoning ('I'm sorry if its not the outcome you wished for but I do not wish to be in ongoing contact past this point' etc...) to them is is bizarre and not the normal reaction.

sandyhappypeople · 02/04/2025 12:41

Op mentioned to read through previous posts and there is a lot of information in there which expands on what is happening here, There has been posts from 2022 talking of 18 years of no contact and a similar post from 2020 saying a relative had been in contact 5 years prior, both times they knew OPs address and contact details and OP seems to know who provided it to them, they also sent a letter to the brother so knew his address too.

She also mentioned that this relative worms their way back in by pretending to have 'news' of another relative and that has been a pattern previously, which she has fought hard to break, her brother broke contact before she did. One of her posts say she was still having contact with this person in 2019.

It is unclear if the previous 3 posts are about the same person, but it is definitely a problem that has been happening for years and doesn't seem to be going away.

Jellyfishcoolimg · 02/04/2025 12:41

CautiousLurker01 · 02/04/2025 12:11

No. These people (assuming they are the same people) have written and emailed [how they obtained the email address is concerning] and Op declined to respond. She is under no legal, moral or ethical obligation to respond to unsolicited contact. When children are adopted they are not given birth parent info unless they have expressly given permission for contact for this reason. It is absolutely abhorrent to arrive at her home consequently and constitutes harassment.

Her actions - non reply to written and electronic communications; AND the closing of the door on not one but two occasions - are all very clear indications that she does not wish to entertain their contact. Loitering on her drive is trespass and intimidation. OP is not at fault here and the police SHOULD respond to an urgent request for their presence at her home (probably won’t however).

OP, you may, if you still have the email/postal address, wish to seek out an injunction to underscore that they are not to contact you ever again.

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Lol

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 02/04/2025 12:41

The fact that they didn't put a note through the door explaining who they are and giving you their contact details is very bizarre.

By shutting the door the first time, you clearly signalled that you didn't want to talk.

To then come back twice and with two people is undeniably strange and threatening. I am also incredibly suspicious of the fact they "conveniently" turned up just as your DH left.

I am adopted. I understand the emotions surrounding finding family and the processes involved. These people are acting very strangely and I think you are right to be cautious OP

tilypu · 02/04/2025 12:42

AthWat · 02/04/2025 12:24

As I have said already , maybe it's news of a million pound inheritance - ok, maybe the OP wouldn't want that, but plenty would, and knocking on the door a couple of times wouldn't be considered too intrusive by most people in that case. Maybe they need to tell her of an inherited medical condition she could be in danger from. She's assuming they just want to get to know her or pass on news she doesn't want; she doesn't know that.

Edited
Show quote history

Then surely they would have said a bit more in the email. And if they feel they need to get in touch, a letter is a much better way, given that they clearly have the address, than a surprise visit.

godmum56 · 02/04/2025 12:42

Moveoverdarlin · 02/04/2025 12:38

I think this is one of those scenarios where as an adult you may have to actually speak. People keep saying they turned up unannounced, but OP ignored their email, so had they said ‘please can we meet and talk?’ She would have ignored it. Slamming the door is just burying your head in the sand. You’d feel better knowing what they want.

Maybe they are desperate for answers, must take guts to knock on someone’s door and say ‘we’re related’.

What if they’ve just found out their true parentage? Maybe the man they thought was Dad isn’t actually? Maybe they had a shit upbringing too? Maybe they’re trying to bring someone to justice’

I would go out there and say ‘Look, I don’t mean to be rude but I had a terrible time growing up, the thought of raking it up and hearing your story is just too traumatic.’ See what they say. They might just need some basic info from you? A date, an address. They might need to hear you say ‘He was an awful man, don’t dig any further.’

I would have to speak to them, calling the Police is just OTT. I’d ring them back and say the matter is sorted.

Edited

actually no you don't "have to speak"

itsgettingweird · 02/04/2025 12:42

It is a police issue. Harassment at best and stalking at worst.

godmum56 · 02/04/2025 12:43

housethatbuiltme · 02/04/2025 12:40

I don't think you need the police as much as a Dr referral for anxiety.

Its quite an extreme overreaction to be having to someone knocking on your door (and I say that as one of the 'dreaded' mumsneters that often ignores the door because I can't be arsed with dealing with people).

These people have done nothing to you and yet you are panicking (over what?), slamming doors in faces and calling the police when no crime has occurred. You are acting in fight or flight mode which is very extreme for something that could be sorted with a simple conversation (didn't even need to be in person).

You don't know these people, they just have questions about a possible shared linked. You do not need to have an ongoing relationship with them but why you wouldn't just ask/answer basic questions to even see what the crux (examples: 'yes, xxx was my father', 'no I don't know where xxx is, we don't have a relationship nor wish too' and/or simply 'who are you?' and 'why are you contacting me?') of this and explain your position/reasoning ('I'm sorry if its not the outcome you wished for but I do not wish to be in ongoing contact past this point' etc...) to them is is bizarre and not the normal reaction.

why would someone not answer? Because they choose not to!

chakrakkhan · 02/04/2025 12:44

AthWat · 02/04/2025 12:38

Because if you won't let someone tell why they want to talk to you, you can't know how important it is to you. You just have assumptions. It's like shouting "not today thank you" and slamming the door on someone who has come to tell you your roof is on fire. Until the OP actually knows why they are there and says she isn't interested, they might well continue to thnk that if she would let them tell her why they are there, she would be interested. They might even be right.

Show quote history

She doesn’t want to talk to them. She doesn’t need to let them tell her what they want.

godmum56 · 02/04/2025 12:45

AthWat · 02/04/2025 12:38

Because if you won't let someone tell why they want to talk to you, you can't know how important it is to you. You just have assumptions. It's like shouting "not today thank you" and slamming the door on someone who has come to tell you your roof is on fire. Until the OP actually knows why they are there and says she isn't interested, they might well continue to thnk that if she would let them tell her why they are there, she would be interested. They might even be right.

Show quote history

nop nope and nope again. The choice is in the OP's hands and she has made it.

XWKD · 02/04/2025 12:45

You're not being unreasonable to shut the door on anyone who is pestering you. It should be obvious you don't want to talk to them.