Called the police

[Highfivemum]

Had a person contact me previously stating that we shared the same parent. It could be true as had a very difficult and complicated childhood and one which I don’t want to remember. My DB and I chose to ignore it. Two days ago had a visit from a person stating they were related. I shut the door in their face. It was a huge shock and triggered every bad memory though I understand I should have acted better. Yesterday the door went again and it was a different person who also stated they were family and could they talk. I again shut the door. DH was going to stay at home today but had a meeting he had to go to and as soon as DH left for work the door goes again and it is both of them. I shut the door again and I called the police. I know it is not a police issue but I literally am sitting here shaking. DH is on his way home and DB can’t be contacted as away on business. I feel crazy for calling the police and no idea what they will say to me but I was so worried and panicked. Anyone know what can be done. ? I don’t want to know these people
and have no idea how they have traced me and found out my address. It is a mess and I feel ill with worry.

But this isn't you, is it? So "personally" doesn't matter. You don't need to understand, just respect the fact the OP said NO!

It’s lovely that it turned out well and that they got some answers. I don’t mean to suggest that this can never be the outcome, just that sometimes it’s complicated, as seems to be the case with the OP, who mentioned a difficult childhood. In my case, this person came into our lives and I was very very welcoming, despite the shock. But it threw the whole family into turmoil because the fact of this person’s existence was only the tip of the iceberg in terms of the can of worms that was opened. People have no idea. It’s like a flipping film script, except it’s our actual lives. Like I said, a big, fat mess.

Rude and vile for thinking the OP has every right to protect herself, given the fact that she makes specific reference to a difficult childhood which she doesn’t wish to revisit? Do you think it’s going to be all hearts and flowers and Davina McCall smiling on happily with tears in her eyes? Nobody is a hater here except you, who seems to think that supporting the OP to make the best choice for HER is ‘vile’. Oh God, and find a new word to express your displeasure. That one has lost its charm.

I find it hard to imagine they’d keep banging on her door and refusing to leave because they were trying to do a nice thing by warning her about a health condition, why wouldn’t they just put it in the email to start with? Their behaviour has been very selfish and shown utter disregard for the OPs wellbeing. They are only thinking of themselves. They want something.

The problem in the OP's case, is that the people looking for answers kept coming back after it being made clear that she didn't want to be involved.

The person that I know did make the mistake of phoning rather than writing first. However, he wouldn't have followed up if the sibling hadn't wanted to know. As you've probably guessed, his existence had been hidden from his younger half-siblings.

He had thought that he had one half-sibling who might be happy to know that they had a brother; he then had a surprise when he found out that he actually had two half-siblings.

It finished up happily for all concerned, but I think that it's a different scenario for the OP. She had a traumatic childhood, while the person I'm talking about had siblings who had a very happy life.

In his case, a long lost adoptive cousin had got in touch with him and - when he expressed the desire to find his birth family - was able to ask her older siblings for help. They were able to give the name of a birth cousin. [ETA She didn't know his siblings, though she'd met one once. However, she found his birth mother's address in an old address book belonging to her mother.]

Really not hard at all to see who of the posters on here would be the type to harangue people who have made it clear they don’t want to speak to them.

There are none so thick as the entitled.

I take it you are referring to yourself?

Erm, she posted on public social media??? I can comment as I see fit.

No "rude and vile" is the pile-on I have been subjected to for making a single point. I will choose my own vocabulary, thank you.

This type of scenario happened quite a bit in the past, I think.

I absolutely agree that these people should not have been so persistent but I hadn't even commented on that aspect before I got my arse handed to me!

OP, I'm sorry you've had this experience. You're not obligated to speak to them or communicate with them.

I would get your husband to read the letter rather than throw it away though. Given your childhood it would be sensible to make sure that they're not telling you about anything/anyone that will put the life you've worked so hard to build at risk. If the letter contains nothing you need to know your husband can always throw it away. But DH knowing at least gives you the power to protect yourself if needed.

@mainecooncatonahottinroofAs can everyone else on this thread. Yet when people comment on what you’ve said it’s “abuse”. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Whatever.

How mature of you.

Which I am not for good reason. I tried to reiterate that the OP has fought hard to create a good life for herself. Privacy for good reasons comes as a cost itself. Please stop.

That's precisely why I'm not on the open roll.

I'm confused as to why you're telling me to stop? I've just offered an explanation as to how the unwanted visitors found the address.

What a truly sad thread for a myriad of reasons.

The OP's traumatic childhood.
Her terrified reaction to the possibility of half-siblings.
The possible half-siblings' longing for family, if they were genuine.
Their utterly ham fisted and destructive way of handling this.
The possibility in itself that they weren't genuine.
The compassionless and lack of any nuance in so many posters' brutal reactions all round.
The bickering on a thread that's about serious childhood pain and loss all round.

Truly sad. Some of the responses here are so callous and even cruel.

As I've said privacy fought and won comes at a cost. It's not an easy path and whimsy is not an excuse to infriltate the present. OP and her family have a super well earned life. She has shown her strength and may well it persist.

It's not truly sad, except in your poetic version of events which OP has been very clear on.

My first thought was some sort of significant (and maybe urgent) health condition, but your post made me think a bot differently. If you knew where someone lived & needed to get information to them that you thought might help them, surely you'd write a letter.

Not hang about when you're not wanted.

I suspect there's been a death of a close relative that they want to tell @Highfivemum about. But their behaviour demonstrates pretty clearly why she doesn't want anything to do with them!

If you seriously think that family wanting to get to know other family and going to the trouble of travelling to see them, however ill-handled, is whimsy then you have a sense of values so shallow they'd dry out in thirty seconds and the ability to love of a mayfly at the 23rd hour.

I'm mildly sorry for whatever in your life has left you so unable to have any depth or empathy, though I'm more sorry for the OP's traumatic childhood. But good God, you make a pancake look like the Dalai Lama.

If you seriously think this is about family "getting to know each other", I got a bridge to sell you.

These people went to the trouble of getting her email and physical address after she did not contact them back. They came to her home and repeatedly tried to speak to her after it was made clear she didn't want to speak to them. They tried after her husband left for work. They refused to leave her drive after being told to go. They won't take no for an answer. They are not reasonable and their refusal to accept her no and trespass after being told to leave by a homeowner indicate they want something significant from OP.

The think of the stalkers take some people have on this is wild. OP doesn't have to speak to people she doesn't want to, and especially when their behaviour is unreasonable and intimidating.

These people have no right whatsoever to keep coming to your home. What makes them think that it's OK to try to force you to talk when clearly you don't want to. They need to realise that this is upsetting to you and just because they want to pursue their DNA tests doesn't mean that you want to. This is not your problem and you have every right to your privacy. You don't owe them anything and I can see why you called the police

I do feel bad for them. I imagine they have waited years and years to meet their family and probably travel a long way too. They've probably put a load of work into finding you and what to say ect. Why didn't you just take their contact details and tell them you will be in touch when your ready? It would have taken you or your partner a few minutes to go and see them. You could write it all down in a letter/email. But still they shouldn't have came back and knocked again. They should have just put a letter through the door.
I'm probably more on their side as my granddad spent years and years tracking down his family. He talked about them a lot and finally found them and travelled to Ireland to meet them only to get the door shut in his face. He was devastated. He couldn't find the words to write in a later so wanted to see them in person.

But the had a right to refuse contact. Did your grandfather not ever consider that?

I'm an adopted child, so in a way I have a dog in the fight.

Based on my age, my bio parents are probably dead. I know I have 3 half sibs via my bio mother and I'm not sure they know I exist. I would assume that the two older would have known their mother was pregnant, but who knows?

I have no real desire to meet my bio siblings, if I did I would have initiated a search long ago. If they showed up knocking on my door chances are I would shut the door in their faces as OP did, out of pure shock. And the harder they tried to force themselves on me, the more I'd say "No way". Because if someone tries to force themselves into your notice, they're usually someone you do NOT want in your life.

It's just not appropriate nor kind to show up at someone's door and say "Guess who I am!!!!". It's always best to go through an intermediary or via letter. And to realize that if the 'receiving party' to your information doesn't want to know you, you need to accept it with good grace and walk away.

It's up to OP as to whether or not she wants to know the contents of any letter. But the thing is, if these people had written her a letter in the first place, chances are she would have opened it simply because, well, when a letter comes to you, that's what you generally do. But instead they tried to bully their way in, so now the chances are she won't want to read it and will toss it in the bin. Would I read a letter in OP's circumstances? Probably. But my situation is much more straightforward than hers. I have no bad memories of a bad childhood that I wouldn't want dragged up. She does, so her choice is even more important and even more to be respected.

Bottom line is, OP owes them nothing. It doesn't matter who they are, what they want, or what they have to impart. She is not required, morally or otherwise, to comply with their wishes. No one has the right to demand the attention of another person if they want to be left alone, period.