To feel guilty that I have caused dd to have ADHD

[StruckbyLightening]

I feel really upset. I have epilepsy and have just found out that dd has ADHD. The consultant told us that there is a link between them, so technically I have very likely passed the gene down to her, meaning she was at a higher risk of ADHD because of me.
She doesn't have epilepsy, apparently, there is only a tiny chance of getting that from a parent.
I don't think I have ADHD (not certain as apparently it isn't uncommon for it to co-exist with epilepsy, so I may have/had a form of it as well). Now, thinking back, I believe it is very likely that one of my parents had ADHD which consequently led to a whole host of alarming issues later, ending in death.

I just feel so upset for dd, and the challenges she is having to face in life. I can't help but feel guilty, and that it is because of me.

There’s no point feeling sorry for a genetic inheritance, OP! The alternative is no children at all - so accept that your daughter has inherited loads of great things from you and maybe some not so great.

Mine nag me about bad teeth but are lucky with great hair. The arthritis isn’t something I can do much about.

We inherit a whole host of stuff from our parents - doubtless your DD has also inherited some wonderful qualities from you which will help her meet any challenges that lie ahead.

I have ADHD, and wouldn't choose to be without it, although I would have liked access to medication earlier.

“Caused “ is the wrong word - your actions didn’t make her have adhd - it’s just genetic chance

You don’t know what caused it. No need to feel guilty. But focus on being proud of raising her to live her best life and cope with any challenges life throws her way.

Hello. Bit of a shock when your child gets a diagnosis and there's loads complicated feelings even when you expecting it.

I have adhd
DD2 has adhd
Autism also runs in my family and DD1 looks likely to have it.

I don't believe its a superpower but its part of who we are and while it makes life harder, it isn't the end of the world.

Don't feel guilty.

I have ADHD and, like a PP, wouldn't want my life to be any different to how it is. ADHD has been an absolute boon as a writer (hyperfocus and I can finish a book in six weeks) - it's not always a negative!

I also would have liked diagnosis to have been available in my childhood. I had some problematic behaviours when I was young due to the undiagnosed (and, in the 60's, unsuspected) ADHD, and having a diagnosis would have made life a little easier, but now I can't say I would ever want to be anything other than what it is.

It does not necessarily mean that has come from you. We have a child eith ADHD in the family and there is noone with epilepsy. It's hard but wouldn't feel guilty , obviously noone has control over what the inherite

Oh OP, please don't be hard on yourself. You know she has it, so any support needed can be put in place. My DS has ADHD and from going through the checklist when he was diagnosed, I ticked most boxes and I am pretty sure it came from me. We both have very full, happy lives and I wouldn't hesitate to have another DC.

Be so proud of yourself that you’ve enabled her to be diagnosed now. Now she has a diagnosis she will be given information and tools to help her cope.

She is still her own wonderful person, now just with an awareness of areas where she’ll need more support.

I don’t want to sound glib because I don’t mean to be at all, BUT for example, she’ll now be sat at the front of every classroom and given lots of extra support and encouragement from the teacher. Extra praise when she does something right. That is actually a lovely thing, and she has lots to look forward to.

Thank you, I feel so so awful about it. I didn't know I had epilepsy when I had my dcs. It was diagnosed afterwards due to a couple of big seizures. Apparently it had lay dormant /was mild in parts of my life. There were some myoclonic things happening as child in my sleep which dm thought were night terrors at that time. All of the pieces fell in to place after my diagnosis. Now dd has ADHD, I just feel in a bit of shock, and ignorant quite honestly. I didn't know one could cause the other.

It isn’t as simple as one thing causing another.
And we do all have traits from our parents. My son had trigger thumb like his dad. But he also has his kind and loving nature.
My daughter has eczema like me but we share the same silly sense of humour.

Neurodiversity is inherited. You only 'gave' it to her as you were 'given' it. It's like what colour eyes or hair you have.

My son is autistic. Once he got diagnosed it was very evident my husband is autistic! His brain and way of seeing the world is one of the reasons I married him. You can't think of it as guilt for genetics. My son has had more struggles at school but is in a good set up now and neither he nor I would change his brain type. He's so clever and gets such deep joy out of things in life. I have two neurotypical kids too, they are lovely and generally find life easier but they have other stuff that's hard in life.

It's a journey of understanding neuro diversity and that's ok but just remember that throughout history people have always had different brain types and we need those different approaches and views of the world.

That's really nice of you to say. I'm now starting to wonder if I have coexisting adhd with epilepsy, recognising some symptoms in myself, or am I being paranoid; they are so intertwined if you have them together.
I am almost 40, dd is 8. I just feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. Now to think back to my dead parent showing every symptom of adhd, and nobody realising is awful.
My mind goes a million miles an hour, but I went to university, didn't have issues. I was shy/quiet as a child in school. Being older and being on epilepsy meds, I just sort of put it down to that, now I'm thinking was it adhd too. Should I mention this go my neurology incase my epilepsy meds should be tweaked?

Realistically, would you have never had any children if you knew you had epilepsy before trying for a baby?

There are possible links between ADHD and a host of things, HG for example.

I wouldn’t blame yourself.

ADHD - and epilepsy for that matter - isn't a death sentence it's just a different way of operating. The biggest mistake the medical profession ever did IMO was call it a disorder! As pp have said it can be a good thing if managed well, and such a positive thing that it has been picked up now!

Start getting yourself informed and be ready to support your daughter and it will be fine you'll see 😊

Probably not, esp if I had diagnosed adhd with it and had to take anti seizure meds through pregnancy. I cannot answer it definitively, but I do not think so. I absolutely adore my dcs, so I wouldn't take them back if that makes sense. Seeing dd struggle is just making me feel deep pangs if guilt now. The world is difficult enough. Dd's sibling is NT. We do believe dh may have autism too. I just feel a bit lost atm, amd extensively researching everything.

If you are very sure you do not have ADHD the genetic link is more likely to come from her other parent. You can’t genetically pass on ADHD if you don’t genetically have it.

Regardless, you haven’t “caused” anything either way.

I feel it is possible I have adhd intertwined with my epilepsy. Dh has traits of autism which we think have also been passed down to dd. She was diagnosed with both ADHD and autism. It is the ADHD that feel is causing her the most hardships, that has most likely came from me. She is so so bright, and the consultant said she is not reaching her full potential academically to match her intelligence, because of the ADHD. I just feel sick.

It's adhd, not a death sentence. You are being very dramatic.

I have ASD and ADHD and can say categorically your attitude is not helpful to your daughter. You are in essence wishing she wasn’t the way she was. Focus on helping with what she finds difficult and finding ways to make her life easier. Find the positives in who she is, because this IS who she is. Nitpicking over who exactly she may have inherit which specific traits from - and ignoring that some traits will be hers all of her own - is completely counterproductive.

Dh says the same, he is telling me to calm down. I don't show any of this infront of dd, so it's all coming out while she is at school. I think it possibly linking to my dead parent is having an extra effect too.