To feel guilty that I have caused dd to have ADHD

[StruckbyLightening]

I feel really upset. I have epilepsy and have just found out that dd has ADHD. The consultant told us that there is a link between them, so technically I have very likely passed the gene down to her, meaning she was at a higher risk of ADHD because of me.
She doesn't have epilepsy, apparently, there is only a tiny chance of getting that from a parent.
I don't think I have ADHD (not certain as apparently it isn't uncommon for it to co-exist with epilepsy, so I may have/had a form of it as well). Now, thinking back, I believe it is very likely that one of my parents had ADHD which consequently led to a whole host of alarming issues later, ending in death.

I just feel so upset for dd, and the challenges she is having to face in life. I can't help but feel guilty, and that it is because of me.

I agree. I have adhd as do both my dd. I have a bf with adhd whose been to prison when he went of meds. He's back on meds and yes the drugs I've seen that from him and we are on and off alot. I've never done drugs. I have been to uni I have a good job more inattentive adhd. My youngest is experiencing eating issues and I'm at a lose end and so upset about it all she internalises everything the ed psych says this and the nhs cahms say without meds a risk to self and others. The elder dd sexual risks def. It's extremely hard but me and my dd appwar to cope alot better than the bf with it is my point.

I can understand how you feel. I have a genetic issue that is potentially life threatening, that I didn’t know about until after I had children. One has tested negative but the other still needs testing. If they have it I will feel terrible.

Roughly 1% of the country has epilepsy. 80 people are diagnosed each day. 1 in 10 people having an EEG will have something abnormal picked up. Estimates are 60-70 million people in the world have the condition. You are in a big minority.

What is a silver lining is that you weren’t taking epilepsy drugs whilst you were pregnant because with the age of your children there is a chance you could have been on the one that has been banned now in child bearing women because doctors didn’t realise it was unsafe. It’s incredibly upsetting that medicine women were taking harmed their children.

Yes there is a link between adhd and epilepsy but researchers say it is complex and there are so many other factors at play too. Unless you had very detailed genetic testing you can’t definitely conclude anything.

I find some consultants can say things in a way that plays on your mind, ironically because their ‘soft skills’ are lacking as they have some sort of neurological condition themselves. Autism and psychopathy are highly correlated with men in high ranking professions. I got told that by a consultant of psychiatry!

It’s really easy to blame yourself. In the end, what’s the point? Why waste energy blaming yourself when you could use that energy on steering your child down a better course. As others have said, use your knowledge to create a positive outcome.

Your child is nothing like your dad. She is her own person in her own right, shaped by two people who sound like caring people who will help her to fulfill her potential.

It’s just ADHD, it’s not the end of the world. I have ADHD and by generally accepted societal standards I am very successful in my life. I have also ‘given’ ADHD to my DD, I’m not worried about it, it’s just a part of her like it’s a part of me.

i am autistic and my mum is also autistic :) it is likely genetic, which i don’t mind at all as much like adhd it is not inherently bad or harmful. it’s lovely that you have this much care and concern for your daughter but plenty of people have adhd and live completely normal lives - it isn’t an illness or disability :) please don’t worry! you can join some online groups or pages for women with adhd to get some idea of how it is to live with and hopefully some reassurance :)

All emotions are allowed in this situation. I agree that it's not a death sentence but it's scary when your child is first diagnosed with something.

As someone with adhd...irs nothing to be ashamed or guilty about. Adhd isn't something terrible. It's something that yes, makes life trickier sometimes, but it makes me who I am.

To be honest, women coping better than men with being ND is a social conditioning issue not a being ND one. For women to act on the same impulses and ‘anger’/meltdowns that come with these conditions is seen as poor behaviour for girls, whilst when men are young it’s excused as ‘boys being boys’. A double edged sword, we ‘cope’ better, mask better but it comes at a huge cost to ourselves. Men get into trouble but at least then are ‘seen’.

I think we all guilt trip ourselves with kids who have any health struggles. DD2 has ADHD and ASD, no history of anything in the family (though DH/me could be undiagnosed) or any related health conditions, nor any trauma. But I was still feeling guilty about how we may have caused it.

I think her having this is part of what makes DD2 herself, and she is absolutely lovely and fortunate in so many ways, but I would have rather spared her all the difficulty she has with attending secondary school and getting qualifications.

My DCs have inherited all our bad 'genes', but that is just one of those things really if you breed. No-one is perfect medically and how would you know you having epilepsy is a risk factor for your DD having ADHD, I didn't (and have had seizures in past few years). DD has been assessed as having ADHD although not a full diagnosis as yet that that wouldn't even cross my mind (the assessment was done for DSA/educational purposes but traits are obvious to me/her now). And she is a high achiever even though the getting there is stressful!

@StruckbyLightening I have epilepsy and no one has ever said to me that there is a link between epilepsy and ADHD... You could think of it that your daughter was always going to have ADHD, regardless of you having epilepsy, because that's who she is. Hopefully I've worded this ok.

I want to apologise for what I said earlier, being negative and putting a damper on it. I have had 5 hours of sleep and it’s actually nice that everyone is being so positive.

You didn't cause anything. It's just nature and everyone has certain things they can pass down to their kids genetically.
I didn't even know those two conditions were linked. I've had a few tonic clinic seizures but not diagnosed with epilepsy, I also suspect I've got ADHD but it was never picked up on girls, if at all when I was growing up. Noone in my family has either of them though?
Honestly, don't worry. It's a manageable condition in many cases and very common as you know.

You could flip your thinking. The earlier it's picked up the more chance there is at finding learning methods that allow the person to thrive. There may be challenges but they are easier to deal with when you know what you're dealing with. Work with her to find her strengths and what help can be implemented to help with weaknesses.

I was 52 when it was suggested I had adhd, went away from my GP with book list and a referral. Read some books and realised why I've had a lifetime of struggling with certain things. Now working on enhancing life as I am rather than the masked version.

So any parent of a child with any condition passed on genetically is bad?
Dyslexia, adhd, ASD, diabetes, cancer risk, dementia risk for example. Most of these things are not even apparent until after you’ve had dc.
wfat about ugliness. Or stupidity. They can be genetically passed on

OP, this must be very fresh for you and so I am not going to tell you that you are unreasonable for having feelings. However, a bit of time and perspective will hopefully help you see this is not something you have done to your child: it is just what it is. With your love and support your child will find a way to manage her condition. You are clearly a loving mother. If it helps my youngest almost certainly has ADHD as does his biological sister and almost certainly his biological mum and his other biological sister. I certainly do not see his mum as having done this to him and do not feel critical of her for the fact he likely has the condition- there are choices she has made which I might criticise but certainly not her genetics. If it also helps he is wonderfully imaginative, has a boundless curiosity and a real flare for the dramatic and I wonder if he would be like that if not for the likely ADHD. So I cannot wish it away even if it means there are some struggles with school work which I wish he did not have to face.

Literally everyone has something they don't like that they've genetically inherited, so if it wasn't that it would be something else.

@Simplynotsimple that is a very interesting point you have made regarding a possible link between ADHD and dementia. Could it be down to the impulsiveness that ADHD can cause, and resulting in an addiction to alcohol/prescription meds, etc, that put some people more at risk of mental/cognitive decline?

Personally (and I’m not a scientist!), I think it’s multiple factors. However, if the brain is like a computer someone with ADHD will have a ‘hyper processor’ of a brain. Eventually it’s going to burnout a lot faster than a typical brain. It’s only hypothetical but I think there is valid research to be done into the longterm effects of living with adhd.

The only thing a parent should feel guilty of is passing on trauma through abusing them

I do get your guilt , of course you do , I tell my daughter she is so lucky I gave her a fantastic bum! Try to focus on positive and not in the things you have no control over

I understand your feelings of guilt. We know it's not rational, but we feel it all the same. My DD has ADHD and cerebral palsy. I feel far worse about the latter than the former. Best ways to relieve the feelings of guilt IMO is to praise her - people with ADHD receive more criticism than non-neurodivergents and yet are more sensitive to it), read about the condition as much as possible and seek to understand. Try every medication under the sun until you find one she is comfortable with. Have different boundaries (eg with tidiness) but otherwise treat her exactly the same as any other child.

I have ADHD and I’m trying for a baby, if we’re lucky enough to have one it’s pretty likely they’ll also have ADHD.

It’s not a life limiting illness, it’s a different way of working which the world fails to accommodate and as a mum you can help your child navigate that. When I was diagnosed, the psychiatrist said there are people who have ADHD traits but don’t meet the diagnosis criteria because their parents also have ADHD that they manage well so they teach them coping strategies, advocate for them, make sure they get the right support when needed, etc.

My ambition is to be one of those parents. I can’t change my genes but I can make life with ADHD much easier for my child than it was for me. That way they’ll have the benefits diverse thinking can bring but hopefully less of the struggle.

For me hyperfocus is a good thing. I don't think you can blanket everyone else's experiences through your view of your own. In my case ADHD is NOT a disability at all, I have learned to adapt to it and work with it, so it does not prevent me from doing anything whatsoever. In fact, as I said, as an author, having an alternative view on life is a positive benefit (I am a very successful author who is multi published).

I am so sorry for what you have been through, just wanted to send solidarity and hugs. 💐 FWIW, I know what you were meaning, I get so frustrated at my epilepsy sometimes; it's shit for me personally. Everybody is different, I'm going to mention ADHD to my neurologist, because it won't surprise me if it is intertwined.

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat you sound amazing. Congratulations on your achievements, it is inspirational to hear! At one time I dreamt of bring a writer, studied, then life got in the way.