To feel guilty that I have caused dd to have ADHD

[StruckbyLightening]

I feel really upset. I have epilepsy and have just found out that dd has ADHD. The consultant told us that there is a link between them, so technically I have very likely passed the gene down to her, meaning she was at a higher risk of ADHD because of me.
She doesn't have epilepsy, apparently, there is only a tiny chance of getting that from a parent.
I don't think I have ADHD (not certain as apparently it isn't uncommon for it to co-exist with epilepsy, so I may have/had a form of it as well). Now, thinking back, I believe it is very likely that one of my parents had ADHD which consequently led to a whole host of alarming issues later, ending in death.

I just feel so upset for dd, and the challenges she is having to face in life. I can't help but feel guilty, and that it is because of me.

And very ableist. Incredibly insulting all round, to both the ND community and her own daughter.

It's not due to something you "did" though is it? It's a probability associated with your specific genes. The only thing you could have done differently would have been to choose to remain childless and advocating for that would be saying that it's better to have never been born than to live with neurodiversity. As a neurodiverse person myself I do not believe it's better to have never been born than to live with neurodiversity, therefore there is nothing for you to feel guilty about. The love and joy in your life and your daughter's life exist because of the decision you made tp create her wonderful, unique and beautiful life. The fact that these joys come with a side-order of challenges is not unique, and does not detract from the joy. There is no such thing as a life without challenges and we would be very boring people if there were. She will be ok.

I knowingly brought children into this world knowing that my ND would be passed on. What a horror, how do I live with myself!?

Well. My beautiful offspring bring nothing but joy into my life and the lives of all they touch. Don’t know where I’m supposed to fit “guilt” into any of it, when I’m so unbelievably proud of every part of them. Proud also of the unique perspective they bring to the world, from the unique way they interpret it.

I agree.

I don't have ADHD - ADHD is me. Without it, I would be another person altogether.

The advantages are real. My life is far richer for it, and I could not do my job half as well without it.

Thank you, agree, but think pp was just trying to make me feel better, because I do need to calm down.
I hope the medication helps dd when she gets it. Seeing her hit herself in the face, scratch and nip herself is heartbreaking. The self hatred she has inside, calling herself stupid, and much more, I cannot put into words how much I feel for her. The rest of it I feel is her wonderful self completely, but this is part I want to take away.

The answer is to built on her self esteem and how she copes. She could feel this way without ADHD. She could act this way from a number of sources. This behaviour is not a specific ADHD thing. It is how she is coping. You give her other ways to cope and build her up and she won’t do this.

Rather than feeling guilty, as I have already said, do something productive. Research ways to help your daughter cope (there are many ways other than medication, or that will also help the medication be more effective) and implement them. Put your energy into helping her.

You are just coming to terms with new information op. Many, many children are now known to have adhd and ASD who would have gone undiagnosed in other generations.

It does sound as though whatever problems your parent suffered are what is most “spooking” you. Can you explain that a little more as you say it led to death but that sounds more like an unmanaged condition - if not something else entirely. I’m not sure you need to be thinking along those lines just because of an adhd diagnosis.

Oh I’ve found this post. Is this the answer to my last question?

She just needs help coming to terms with they way she operates op. The diagnosis is what will enable her to get help with this.

Yes, the consultant said he feels dd's self hatred derives from dd's inner frustration at not reaching her full potential at school. He feels she is very intelligent to the point she should be ahead in every subject and we need to nurture her talent, start this medication and help her focus.

That was a very odd thing to tell you, not sure how robust the data is on that and seems unfair to suggest you caused it! If it’s any consolation I feel like this all the time. I have ADHD and my daughter is currently being assessed, I definitely feel responsible genetically and often feel bad about it as she does struggle.

I gave my children ADHD (waiting on my own dx appointment next month!), but I can’t feel guilt because I’m 99% sure I got it from my own mother. There’s huge signs of it within my immediate family, it’s just the way we’re made. It’s really not all bad, the anxiety and inability to sleep is difficult, but I see how brilliant my children’s minds work and I’ve learned to appreciate that in myself. My kids inherited autism from their dad’s side, I think he feels bad he didn’t recognise it in himself before their traits emerged but it was a sign of his time and couldn’t be helped.

It looks like my parent had undiagnosed ADHD for years. They were never able to focus on anything, dm has talked at length about this. When I research it, it all fits into place. It led to some very impulsive behaviours, addiction, mental decline, etc, and snowballed from there.

I’m really sorry to hear that op. But you knew your DM suffered that way and now you have something you didn’t have before: an understanding of why snd how she reached that point, and a key 🔑 to stop this happening to you and dc. I realise that doesn’t help your DM and your loss there. 💐 But you have pieces of a puzzle that was always there - you just lacked the ability to assemble it. Now you have that power. Does it help to view it that way?

Does anyone know the percentages of ADHD and ASD in society?

I know that doesn’t unhappen struggles but I’m presuming OP is far from alone in terms of support and understanding on the journey.

There is a possibility that she will grow out of it for want of a better term.

Ds virtually has.

Don't come at me for this, it was his pysch who said some kids can grow out of it by their mid 20s.

ADHD is triggered by trauma

My parents caused my CPTSD, that’s not genetic.

It’s not your fault, please don’t feel guilty. There’s nothing wrong with being neurodivergent.

Adhd is worse is men us ladies with it aside from the extreme mood issues and rejection sensitivity dysphoria it's manageable. Meds make it fine. I take concerta and have sertraline to keep my anxiety and depression at bay when the meds wear off :) my mum feels guilty God knows why as its gone right through the family. My mum has always been known as being a bit bat shit and highly impulsive with awful moods and outspoken never knew it was adhd. Til I had a child exactly like my mum then realised we all have it. Don't stress.

I have hyper focus and it has caused me to neglect myself to the point of me being ill and not eating or sleeping whilst I prioritise other things
there’s nothing positive about a disability call it what it is and it needs to stop being glorified

Your feelings and the way you view things are completely valid but don’t you think it’s a bit out of order to invalidate the way someone else views their condition?

I have ADHD and I didn’t find out until I was 38. What I wish is that I’d known sooner, had been educated, supported and possibly medicated (this is controversial especially for kids and a very personal decision).

Channel your feelings into educating yourself on ADHD (Russell Berkeley is a great place to start), so you’re in the best position to love and support your daughter. I promise you it will mean everything to her to have her mum by her side during any challenges she might face from this.

www.amazon.co.uk/Taking-Charge-ADHD-Third-Authoritative/dp/1462542670/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=1KDA2VZG4SYFV&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.TzY8N55G4mpFqZHkkuR8fOTJVjM3c1mVsXO4vgg7OsNpape62BgEn5ZSovqQiE0SLKD1DiLW9lw2ELBQRP9slOuRVo_arCht5_ivDxss_TE.STPLv0hq20fXScpw0tw26MYVJ18o-kgRVhA43hfGBog&dib_tag=se&keywords=russell+berkeley+adhd&qid=1743588850&sprefix=rissel+ber%2Caps%2C93&sr=8-1

no I don’t think it’s out of order it’s on par with saying that autism is a super power. people need to stop acting like disabilities are amazing and be honest about how horrible it is to have so that people can make informed decisions

I am not convinced that epilepsy causes ADHD or that there's any real evidence of that?

Either way, nicely, you are being a bit ridiculous. I understand why it's upsetting, of course, but you didn't "Cause" her ADHD. At worst, genetically, it came through you. But ADHD is just one of those things. It's not a death sentence and you didn't do anything wrong.

She's 8 so you've got lots of time to work through this and figure out how to support her.

If you meant adhd is worse in men than women, I strongly disagree. Men with adhd are more likely to externally react, women are more likely to cause themselves harm. So men may be more prone to impulsive behaviours that lead to criminal acts, women are more likely to engage in risky sexual behaviour or have eating disorders. Both sexes are more likely to have addictions or executive functioning disorders that lead to poor money management or chaotic home lives. Both sexes usually end up with poorer mental health. It’s not a top trumps, adhd can wreck anyone’s life if not recognised. And I’ve said before, I think there needs to be serious research into the correlation between ADHD and dementia for everyone.

Everyone with adhd is affected differently. My elderly daughter with adjd diagnosed at 15 is.nore inattentive and cannot focus on more than 1 thing and describes her self as being on a cloud. Also very receptive to abusive boys and for dopamine was running around with different boys and wouldn't listen. Meds have been a game changer. My youngest age 8 bit everyone ran out highly string bad moods violence etc smashing things of others and painting my kitchen floor green needing to be micromanaged and would happily go weeks without brushing teeth still wets bed so we have to take meds for this and wont sleep so again meds for this. Again adhd meds have really helped and I can see my daughter now without just symptoms of adhd ruining her life. Had a day without meds other day as she's low in weight and she was painting fence (hyper child) she had her full arm in the paint doing cart wheels around the house. Yesterday medicated and she painted the fence lovely 😍 crafted lovely but still.left the house a big mess. I love both my kids wouldn't change anything. Issue I'm having at moment is I feel the youngest is using not eating as a control mechanism so she is being referred to the dietician as she is too thin :(